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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dump someone because he couldnt get it up?

217 replies

bohbohboh · 06/02/2010 14:09

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. He said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after he asked me to try being on top and it was literally like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube and completely creeped me out.

I have name changed for this

OP posts:
Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:41

well im sorry the term has offended anyone. Its just used a lot where i live i didnt expect to be "hung" for my terminology.

the masectomy thing is just way too harsh - how is a sexual problem the same as being treated for cancer? Im not saying im put off him because he has had a testicle removed am i?

if i was in a loving relationship with him, of course I would be there and support him and try to help - How the fuck am i meant to know if im the person to do this or not so early on?

OP posts:
Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:42

ok. so now im a slut for having sex with him when i dont love him

some people must live in a perfect world

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 15:45

The only way you are going to find out if you are the right person to help him longterm bohbohboh is if you stay with him!

Can you envisage sticking with him and enjoying other aspects of your relationship? Can you work on other aspects of your sexual relationship? If you can't see beyond the concept of penetration, then I don't think you are the right person for him right now.

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 15:46

I didn't call you a slut. I am trying to be helpful but I admit I come from a very different mindset.

BitOfFun · 06/02/2010 15:46

Sexual compatibility is important, and if it's not working, there's no shame in throwing in the towel if you don't see a future together.

SleepingLion · 06/02/2010 15:47

ROFL at this from the OP:

and I really dont know him well enough for the deep and meaningfuls

Yep, let's get naked and (try to) have sex - but - a conversation? Well, now we're just crossing the bounds of taste and decency, aren't we?

I can picture the AIBU thread now: AIBU for dumping a guy who wanted to have a conversation on our first date? I just wanted to have sex but he wouldn't take no for an answer! kept pushing and pushing for conversation!

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 15:48

I do not think that telling the OP that it is her fault this man is having problems maintaining an erection is helpful TBH, whatever "jokey" way it is dressed up. She has already said it is affecting her self esteem.

dumblesdore I guess that is the difference - if you wait until you know someone and care about them etc then that is a relationship that deserves effort. In this case that relationship is not there - she is not this mans "partner" so it's a bit different.

Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:51

you can look at that however u want. conversation with new bloke yes. conversation about his erectile dysfuction and the possible reasons behind it no. I mean is this a joke I dont know anyone who would want to have that conversation with someone they're just starting a thing with.

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 15:51

Well, if all she is after is sexual penetration (and I am not calling her a slut for wanting that) then he is, clearly, almost by definition, not the right man for her right now.

If she is after a proper, fully rounded relationship (no reason why she should be, just saying if she is...) then maybe she should stay with this man in which case I am suggesting she works on other aspects of the relationship and builds up a rapport with him which may help him when it comes to penetrative sex.

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 15:52

Had this problem when I first met DP. I'm very glad I didn't end it over that! We are now very secure together, and trying for a baby (so no problems anymore! )

TealAndBiscuit · 06/02/2010 15:53

There's usually a reason for it. If you can be bothered to work out the cause and find a cure, then hang around.

Otherwise, just dump him I guess.

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 15:53

"I mean is this a joke I dont know anyone who would want to have that conversation with someone they're just starting a thing with."

I did.

FlyMeToDunoon · 06/02/2010 15:54

I still don't get the attitude of penetration being the only way a woman can have a satisfactory sex life.
Does he make you come op? Is he turned on by other aspects of the lovemaking?

Him saying that he needs to get himself sorted out seems to indicate that he is aware of a problem and is not averse to getting some help.

Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:55

ok then so maybe the problem is me, i dont feel comfortable talking to him about it, just as I dont feel comfortable talking about my issues with him. We are just not in that place

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 06/02/2010 15:56

why can't you step back a bit from sex?

have a few sessions where you just touch and kiss and fiddle?
lots of cuddling and intimate "foreplay" instead of trying to have sex.

pretend you're a teenager who isn't ready for a sexual relationship.

that way, you'll be able to approach the relationship from all angles: you'll get your "thrill" and you'll get closer mentally to each other. then you can try again with the sex thing when you're more engaged with each other.

because it might be as simple as he's scared and nervous, hasn't got a clue what he's doing and feels like he's rushing.

(plus, make sure you do all this stuff sober, so that you can rule out brewer's droop)

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 15:58

I am very at the idea that all the op is interested in is penetrative sex. I am sure like most normal people she is going for a drink/meal/cinema type stuff, having conversations, and going to bed.

TBH his attitude "oh I really ought to do something about this" and getting her to go on top to see if that does anything and not talking about it himself after 9 goes sounds much less fab to me than the OPs. She says he doesn't seem that bothered about it. maybe he isn't. But the OP is. And on that basis clearly it's not going to work out.

RockbirdandHerSpork · 06/02/2010 16:00

Must admit, I wouldn't be jumping into bed with someone I wasn't that fussed about or barely knew. Not criticising, but you're in a completely different world from me.

PMSL also at nine attempts to shag him but you can't ask him seriously what the problem is. You don't know if it's only happened with you, or if he's had this problem for years, or if he is scared it's something serious and he's trying to play it down or what. Is he ok on his own, is it just with other people? Who knows, do you? Maybe have those conversations before you get into his bed. And sure, if all you want is sex then fine, dump him and find someone to oblige. You might not be his counsellor as someone smartly said, but if you were in the least bit interested in him, you'd want to get to the bottom of this and not just to get your jollies.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 16:00

YANBU.

Sex is more important to some people than others.

And there is nothing wrong with that or with waiting to sleep with someone or NOT.

This person isn't for you.

Move on and you will both be free to find someone you're more compatible with.

Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 16:05

oh maybe i should just conduct a questionnaire for before I just jump into bed with whoever my next sexual victim may be:

  1. have you ever had any problems with erectile dysfuction?
  1. If yes to the above, how long did this last and did it happen when you were alone or with an ex partner?

..............

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 16:09

Oh don't pay them any heed bohboh I know what you're on about.

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 16:09

ImSoNotTelling, I really hope the OP is not only interested in penetrative sex. But she doesn't seem to be saying much about any other aspect of the relationship so that is the impression she is giving.

Bohbohboh, can you tell us what it is you like about him?

Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 16:09

and for what its worth, i was dating him for a month before we attempted anything sexual. Shame i didnt bring up impotency during one of our meals!! I mean seriously, if any single woman asked for this info so early on in the relationship, the majority would remain single

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 16:11

I can't believe that if you are naked in bed with someone, attempting sex with them, and he repeatedly fails to get it up, you can't then turn to him and say "aww sweetie, are you ok? is there anything bothering you? can I help at all?"

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 16:13

'If you can't see beyond the concept of penetration, then I don't think you are the right person for him right now.'..

I dont thinks its as simple as mere penetration lay off the guilt love..he obviously has a sexual/physical problem and at the beginning of a relationship without the strong bond or intense love I would not expect a person to be able to give him what he needs right now...not everyone is a martyr

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/02/2010 16:14

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