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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dump someone because he couldnt get it up?

217 replies

bohbohboh · 06/02/2010 14:09

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. He said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after he asked me to try being on top and it was literally like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube and completely creeped me out.

I have name changed for this

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 16:16

I am not asking her to be a martyr. Just a loving human being.

OK really butting out now. Glad to know some people agree with me. I am not in the market for a man, but I feel sorry for single people of either sex if this is what they have to face.

tethersend · 06/02/2010 16:17

Don't forget to wait for an acceptable amount of time before sleeping with your next victim, BohBoh

Is the OP duty bound to continue a relationship out of a sense of moral obligation, or can she finish it because, oh, I don't know, she just doesn't want to go out with him any more? Would it be ok if she just didn't 'click' with him sexually? Is this any different?

I wouldn't want to start a relationship feeling sorry for someone.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 06/02/2010 16:20

YANBU to end a relationship because its not going anywhere, but I agree with other posters who have said a man posting about breaking it off with a woman who had a sexual issue would be branded an arsehole.

tethersend · 06/02/2010 16:22

Not by me, chickens...

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:23

boh, I don't think you are BU

I can't believe some of the judgmental responses on this thread !

any bloke who knows he has an ercetion problem and isn't galvanised into getting it sorted by a new relationship with a hot bird (am assuming you are a hot bird, boh ) is lazy and obviously happy for the unsatisfactory situation to continue

he should be very interested in giving you a bloody good rogering at this honey moon stage, and if he can't be arsed to seek help to enable this, why the hell should you stick around ?

fair enough, if you had been together a long time, and this was a new problem to stick around and help

but no, not in this case

bail out (kindly) and seek someone else who puts your needs at the same level of importance as his own

I think your only mistake here is that your OP was worded just slightly too harshly, but, tbh, you are totally entitled to feel pissed off about, I certainly would be

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 16:23

YabVVVVVVVu, shallow and insensitive! How would you like it if the boot was on the other foot and your fanjo did not work properly and sized up out of nerves. If he is a lovely person who ticks all the right boxes than its something you can work through together, mabey he picked up bad vibes off you and it made it worse. I had the same problem whereby it would hurt like hell when having sex with my dh and he would have to stop several times, he was kind patient and loving and because of that things have got so much better hence our beautiful dd. So op you are being vVVVVVVU and childish.

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 16:24

Sometimes being a loving human being is not being there if you are not sympathetic or fulfilled..I don't know where the OP stands but if she decided to ditch and run I would not fault her..they have no real relationship as yet..well on my terms it would not be a relationship if i had known him a very short time sex or no sex

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 16:24

"any bloke who knows he has an ercetion problem and isn't galvanised into getting it sorted by a new relationship with a hot bird (am assuming you are a hot bird, boh wink) is lazy and obviously happy for the unsatisfactory situation to continue"

It's not usually that easy.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:26

piglet, you say your DH was kind and so he should be

I don't think anyone in a new relationship is obligated to try and "help" someone with a sexual dysfunction, particularly someone with so little incentive to want to change it

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 16:29

"particularly someone with so little incentive to want to change it "

How do you know that?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:30

I didn't say it was easy kaloki

and in the context of a longterm relationship, then bailing out at first opportunity is not the right thing to do

this bloke doesn't sound like he can be arsed to even try to seek help

it is that fact that would be the dealbreaker for me...the OP owes him no loyalty whatsoever

in fact, trying 9 times with no success in a new relationship when he should be rogering the fuck out of her, is bloody saint-like, tbh

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 16:30

Apparently, any woman who finds having penetrative sex and considers leaving a relatively new relationship due to lack of successful penetrative sex is not a loving human being.

Yep, I've dumped maggot-penises, too, shineon.

Apparently I should be shot for liking big wangers and liking to be penetrated by them.

I'm also a slag for shagging men whose names I didn't even know, much less have strong feelings for.

So sue me.

Because, seriously, Bohboh, for some people, life is too short for shit sex.

If others can't deal with that or think you're a shallow person for that, well, let me assure you, the world is full of millions more men who agree with you completely .

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:30

kaloki...read the OP, you will get your answer

Nancy66 · 06/02/2010 16:32

To be frank it's unlikely he'll ever be able to get an erection with you - because he now associates you with his sexual failure.

If I was seeinng a new buy and he was continually unable to perform then I would stop seeing him.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 16:32

Here, here, AF!

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:33

if you love to be rogered senseless, this is never going to be a goer

what is wrong with admitting that and moving on (kindly)

perhaps the OP telling him why she is bailing will make him take steps to sort it out

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 16:33

Yes AF or i would not be with him otherwise, if he displayed the same insensitivity as the op did to her boyfriend, this happened very early like the OP in our relationship. No AF they are not obliged to help someone with their sexual dysfunciton, but if he ticks all the right boxes and chemistry is there than they could work through the problem together. I would not blame the op if she did let this one go, does not sound right for her imo, mabey needs someone who is more comfortable getting intimate and more experience, mabey this boke does not is very nervous.

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/02/2010 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 16:36

Mabey hes too embarrassed to seek help, a lot of blokes are, if this was a woman we would all be up there with her supporting her and commenting what a prick or knPob this bf is, and that she is better off without him, sorry to be harsh mabey he is better off without the op imo.

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 16:38

AF So because he kept trying that meant he wasn't trying to change things? With my DP there was nothing he could do but keep trying, and talking through why he was struggling with me.

But no, the OP shouldn't stay if she doesn't want to. I hope the bloke finds someone more willing to to put aside that problem knowing that it can change and that a loving relationship can help.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 16:38

'if you love to be rogered senseless, this is never going to be a goer'

Oh, I love it, I do.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:39

piglet, I understand what you are saying

but I think that the fact that she sees this problem as such a dealbreaker is telling

and she shouldn't be made to feel bad for dropping him

she owes him no loyalty and does not need to put herself in some sort of position as his sexual saviour...

perhaps she just isn't that into him ? I wouldn't be, either

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 16:39

Pigtale, if this were a woman I'd be telling her to go and get some help. Counselling, therapy, see the GP, whatever it took if she found it important to have penetrative sex.

Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 16:39

The fact i have tried 9 times should inform you i havent given up easily. I havent just turned around and said well if ur dick doesnt work, I have no other use for you, piss off. He's had ample opportunity to bring it up (excuse the pun) himself but he doesnt

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 16:40

yes, expat, we get that you love to be rogered senseless !