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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dump someone because he couldnt get it up?

217 replies

bohbohboh · 06/02/2010 14:09

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. He said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after he asked me to try being on top and it was literally like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube and completely creeped me out.

I have name changed for this

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 17:11

'But expat we would be more sympathetic towards her, but we dont seem very sympathetic to the bloke mentioned in the op. Ok he is 39 mabey not very experienced quite nervous and needs someone to put him at ease and make him feel relaxed.'

Why should we be sympathetic to this bloke? He's not here. He's not posting about how he can't get it up.

And how can they be talking about all this sex they're not having?

It's not her problem if he needs someone to make him feel relaxed to get it up and keep it up or is nervous, it's his.

Because he's 39, not 19.

So dump him and find someone you're more compatible with, which would mean someone who has no problem getting and maintaining an erection.

Job done.

fortyplus · 06/02/2010 17:12

If the OP really likes the guy and feels hat the relationship might have a future then surely the answer is for him to get to his GP for some Viagra?

Then - who knows - once he has performed a few times he will be more relaxed and won't need chemical intervention.

Or... possibly there is an underlying physical cause that needs treatment, so all the more reason to get to his GP

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 17:12

"but we dont seem very sympathetic to the bloke mentioned in the op. Ok he is 39 mabey not very experienced quite nervous and needs someone to put him at ease and make him feel relaxed. Mabey trying that many times made the siutation a whole lot worse, if it was difficult the first time than try something else like forepay, sex is not the only thing, and just getting to know each other more and being comfortable around each other first before doing it again."

Or maybe he smokes a lot of marijuana and that's why he can't get it up, and isn't that fussed anyway as he'd rather continue smoking than have a full sexual relationship.

No-one knows do they? People who have been out with people with sexual dysfunction are painting their experiences onto the OP, assuming that this bloke is lovely but nervous and shy. He might be (although getting the OP to go on top and do the toothpaste thing doesn't sound very shy to me).

You can't assume that this bloke is lovely and kind and wonderful and OP is throwing away a golden opportunity. Bloke could be a complete twat.

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 17:13

How about this comparison?

"AIBU to dump someone because she couldnt relax during sex?

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. She said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after she asked me to try a different position and it was literally like trying to put my dick into a vice.

I have name changed for this "

tethersend · 06/02/2010 17:13

YANBU

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 17:14

tethersend..the latter... the former maybe later (hopefully)

'Or it isn't a relationship.'

maybe it isnt to the OP..depends how you define relationship as an individual surely?..not everyone is willing to babysit limp cocks..its up to her

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 17:14

That's noble of him, piglet.

But that doesn't make him any better or worse a person than the OP.

Just a different person.

For the OP, penetrative sex in a hassle-free setting is what tickles her pickle.

Big deal.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:15

No tethersend but if its a boyfriend with the view to taking the relationship further and long term than yes you should be comfortable to talk about issues imo. Obviously in the case of the op its not right and she should let this one go as sex is a major feature in a relationship for her, got thing it was not for me and dh or i would be dumped like a hotcake.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 17:16

How about it, Kaloki.

The response, from me at least, would be the same: find someone else who is more sexually compatible with you if that is something that is important to you.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:16

Yes expat thats why i married him, of course it does not make him better or worse no, she wants differient things and he is not right for her, these things happen, I just dont think she should continue with this relatiohnship imo.

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 17:16

well you are NBU..I would not advise anyone to put their dick in a vice..it smarts (so i've heard)

Kaloki · 06/02/2010 17:17

And that's fair enough but not exactly how other responses have been worded is it?

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 17:18

I dont think she should be judged for not wanting to fix him..

Ziggurat · 06/02/2010 17:18

"Obviously in the case of the op its not right and she should let this one go as sex is a major feature in a relationship for her"

Not necessarily, piglet - just a feature in a relationship.

Like I keep saying and saying - she's clearly just not that into him. If she was - surely she'd persevere. Since she's not - why should she??

Your OH was clearly really into you - great. We don't always meet The One every time we have an encounter with someone.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 17:19

No, other people said she was selfish, shallow, all kinds of things because she doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone she is not having successful sex with.

As if a new relationship in which sex isn't important is better than one in which it is.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:21

Thats right expat you said it the op should find someone more sexually compatable with her this one is not, I was thinking of the phrase but you took the words right out of my mouth

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 06/02/2010 17:22

ImSo I completely agree.

Which other problems should we feel obliged to help solve then? Alcoholism? Gambling?

This isn't an easily (e)rectifiable problem like 'oh, Im dumping him cos he wears Christmas jumpers/has net curtains in his flat/wears white socks'.

This is a problem that could take lots of time and effort to overcome. Not the best start to a relationship, particularly if sex is important to you. And there's certainly no shame in that.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:24

yes ziggurat does not sound like it, I went through a lot of frogs though before finding dh but hes not perfect and totally annoys me at times, but then who is perfect!

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:26

Oh i would dump someone who wore raindeer jumpers, wore milk bottle classes and who liked to spend time in a mak standing over a rail bride with a notepad trying to get the 1501 from Peterborough

foxinsocks · 06/02/2010 17:27

it's the way she worded her OP. No-one should stay in a relationship that's not right for them (not sure why she couldn't figure that out).

OP came across as juvenile and callous to me tbh which is why it elicited some of the responses it did I suspect. Looked like (to me) you were posting so that a whole load of people would agree with you and have a good laugh. Personally, I don't think it's big or clever to mock people who have issues like this.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 17:27

lol at christmas jumpers

my DH wore christmas jumpers when I met him...you have triggered a painful flashback there....

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:31

totally foxinsocks she did not put herself across very well and just make me a bit as its a bit close to my situation. AF there was a guy at uni who liked me, whose mum knitted him a raindeer jumper and it was 1999, so was stocking up can of of food for the millenium just in case there was a computer crash and everthing went barmy , i ran the other way fastish he hehe

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:33

and advised me to do the same on our first date, i did not meet up for a second one he he he.

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:34

The OP didn't mention anything else wrong. Just the limp dick. So we all assumed that was the only issue. Not being psychic.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 17:37

lol at piglet

I said several pages back her OP was worded rather harshly, I agree with that, for sure

it doesn't change anything for me though

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