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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dump someone because he couldnt get it up?

217 replies

bohbohboh · 06/02/2010 14:09

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. He said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after he asked me to try being on top and it was literally like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube and completely creeped me out.

I have name changed for this

OP posts:

SleepingLion · 06/02/2010 15:17

As MrsSawdust said earlier, imagine the flaming a man would get if he came on here and posted that his new girlfriend was nervous during sex and struggled to enjoy it so he was dumping her.

But I guess if all you're interested in is the sexual element of a relationship then yes, dump him. It sounds as if he'd be much better off without you anyway

hippipotamiHasLost77lbs · 06/02/2010 15:18

I completely agree with Dumbledore - there can certainly be a loving and meaningful relationship without sex.
The sex will come when he feels secure and comfortable around you, not pressured to perform.
Feel sorry for the man tbh - but he is better off without the OP. After all - she saw no other worthwhile things in him otherwise she would have perservered with the relationship.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/02/2010 15:20

'there can certainly be a loving and meaningful relationship without sex.'

Sorry - not for me, not at the start. I'm a sexual person and would not put the effort in to a relationship, unless the man was truly amazing and also open about it and willing to make an effort to change it, if he constantly lost his erection.

Why are women supposed to subsume their sexual sides in order to have the 'loving and meaningful relationship'? From the beginning? No thanks.

brimfull · 06/02/2010 15:23

erectile dysfunction can be caused by a pituitary tumour, that's how my brother found out he had one.
He's fine now and banging away my sil with no problem.

Tamarto · 06/02/2010 15:23

"The sex will come when he feels secure and comfortable around you, not pressured to perform."

Really? wow i wish i had our crystal ball!

FlyMeToDunoon · 06/02/2010 15:24

Who said anything about 'subsuming their sexual sides'? There are other ways of enjoying each other and for a woman to acheive orgasm.
I find the whole dump em if they can't perform attitude revolting.

famishedass · 06/02/2010 15:24

A relationship involves sex.

Anyone who lives with another person and doesn't have sex with them is not in a relationship. They are being platonic. Different thing entirely. Even if you love them to death.

GettinTrimmer · 06/02/2010 15:25

If you thought also you weren't compatible, YANBU.

If you really liked him in other ways, then it might have been worth trying to help him.

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 15:25

...I dont know...would you want to start a meaningful relationship without sex?..unless you didn't mind of course

foxinsocks · 06/02/2010 15:25

yes, can be quite easy to treat (with medication).

is increasingly a problem for older men innit - was reading something in the surgery about it t'other day

so it may be a problem a lot of people have to face in their life time

(it's the nerves bit that irks me a bit. I don't know why you posted tbh. You've already dumped him - there's nowt you can do now anyway!)

Original poster

BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:26

Fuckin hell i didn't think this would cause such an uproar. It was just a question. I havent ended said relationship I was looking for advice, although I may have sounded callous in my OP.

This is a very new "relationship" if you can even call it that we haven't even had the discussion of if its going anywhere, I'm just seeing him (this is not unusual at the beginning surely). I can honestly say I have never met someone and declared my undying love for them without being intimate with said person and i doubt many of you have either. Yet im being attacked for being some kind of sexual preditor!

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 15:29

So she should put aside her sexual appetite and continue to persue a relationship with a man who may have a permanent sexual dysfunction because it is the nice thing for her to do, even though she hasn't been going out with him for long enough to form much of a relationship or know whether she really likes him or not?

What if he was incredibly shy and refused to meet any of her friends, and when he did stodd in a corner staring at the ground - should she continue in the hope that she would be able to cure him?

What about if he was terribly feckless with money - should she carry on regardless on the assumption that with the love of a good woman everything would be alright?

Yet when it's sex she has to put up ad shut up for a man who she doesn't even know she wants a long term relationship with?

It's not the approach I would take.

If I were madly in love, or had been with someone a long time, then yes, obviously. After a few dates/couple of months, no.

famishedass · 06/02/2010 15:29

I agree bohboh.

It's a crime to want good sex is it?

BalloonSlayer · 06/02/2010 15:29

I think a lot depends on how the man acted.

I think if he said, "OH no, not again, I am so sorry, can we just cuddle?" I'd be pretty sympathetic.

But if he was trying to pretend it hadn't happend, and kept trying to carry on when there was the "trying to put toothpaste back into the tube" situation, I'd feel a bit upset too.

I had an ex years ago who had problems in bed but just didn't even acknowledge them. If it wasn't such an inappropriate expression in the circumstances I'd say it was the Elephant In The Room. We both knew something wasn't working but I didn't know how to talk about it - I thought he should broach the subject, it was his bloody problem - but he never did so in the end I stopped wanting to have sex with him, to his utter bewilderment. I am still puzzled as to why he didn't get that if a woman gets absolutely nothing out of sex because it only lasts 30 seconds and that's it for the evening, she's going to lose her enthusiasm.

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 15:30

What has he had to say about this, OP? Is it something he's had for a while, is it just with you, is he a virgin and terrified, is he ill, has he sought help etc etc.

Ivykaty44 · 06/02/2010 15:32

I wonder if it was the other way around and you had had a masectomy and it grossed him out - how would you fell if he dumped you?

PorphyrophillicPixie · 06/02/2010 15:33

My boyfriend had the same troubles from day one for no apparent reason, yet we're finally getting to the point where we have a good sex life (and he can keep it up for more than a few seconds) and it's well worth it. If I had done as you're suggesting I would never be in the position I'm in now (no pun intended).

It's extremely frustrating at times yes, but you can work ways around it. Thoguh saying that, we were long distance for the first year of our relationship so we didn't see each other often.

Original poster

BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:34

all he will say is "oh i should really sort myself out" TBH it is making me feel unattractive although I've never had a problem with any other guy!! He doesnt seem overly bothered about it.

I havent asked him if its happened with other woman - but he's 39 so i would hope he hasnt just been living with it.

and I really dont know him well enough for the deep and meaningfuls

OP posts:

sowhatis · 06/02/2010 15:35

I dont think YABU. he needs help form gp etc, not your problem in a short term relationship if you cant see it lasting.

Original poster

BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 15:35

thats really not the same thing ivykate

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 06/02/2010 15:37

well no - it isn't but then no analergy would be as men and woman are different....

UnquietDad · 06/02/2010 15:37

"Dump" is a really nasty word.

It sounds as if this man needs some attention and understanding to help him overcome an issue. If you think you are not the person to do this and/or don't care for him enough to do this, then perhaps there is little point in having a relationship.

It might just be that you don't get it up for him, of course, and that a swift picture or two of Cheryl Cole pouting her arse off will make him go BOING.

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 15:38

Does he take drugs? Or drink a lot?

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/02/2010 15:39

Can't stay away....

Well, I have never and would never get into bed with someone until I already cared about them and felt a degree of compassion for them, so I clearly can't relate to sex being the primary motivator in a relationship.

It is all very well saying the man should seek medical help or a counsellor, but even with such help, he is going to need to be in a relationship with someone in order to put his therapy/medical help to the test. I can totally understand some people not wanting to spend time helping their partner with erectile issues, but if all women felt like this, no man with erectile problems (and there are many out there) would ever get better. If the OP finds the thought of helping this man too much then it is clear she is not meant to be with him. I just hope he finds someone more willing and understanding.

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 15:39

'I wonder if it was the other way around and you had had a masectomy and it grossed him out - how would you fell if he dumped you'

..not the same I feel..and if you had invested little feeling why would you care?

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