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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

306 replies

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:45

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 20/01/2010 10:48

Did you notice he was leaving ten minutes earlier and arriving home ten minutes later?

If so, did you ask him why?

If so, did he claim it was the traffic and neglect to explain the real reason?

If so, then he's a liar and he didn't "forget"

MmeLindt · 20/01/2010 10:48

Is he going out of his way to give her a lift?

You are sounding a bit unreasonable tbh, but I know what it is like when you are waiting for DH to come home after a whole day at home with a young baby.

MummikinsOopNorth · 20/01/2010 10:49

Aww, emotions and hormones are still so high at this stage Well done on the new baby! [broody emoticon]

I too would be questioning why they have eah others numbers. Do they have to have each others numbers for work purposes? If not, I would be feeling just like you are.

GothDetective · 20/01/2010 10:49

Maybe a bit, but think I would feel the same.

WeWantYourDoofDoofs · 20/01/2010 10:50

YABU but hormones excuses that this time

Not much they can get upto in ten mins on the road is there?

ninedragons · 20/01/2010 10:51

You are being hormonal.

At your stage I was still reguarly breaking down in floods of tears because the lovely nurses from the hospital wouldn't come and live with us and show me what to do.

She has his number because she works with him, just like I have my colleagues' numbers.

Tell him you're feeling fragile and need a few extra cuddles and cups of tea. It really doesn't sound like anything sinister.

MumtoEliane · 20/01/2010 10:52

I think you are still emotional. Its ok to feel a bit strange about the lifts, but the extreme anger I think is due to hormones.

I got lifts with someone at work and we exchanged numbers in case one of us couldn't make it and to let the other know so we didn't wait, etc. So I think that part is totally normal.

I don't know what to make of the fact that he used to call you and now he doesn't, but did he used to call 10 minutes before getting home? That is really nice but maybe not neccesary?

And is he always nice to people like that? giving lifts or doing favours? If he is you have nothing to worry about, and I know it is really difficult when you are emotional (was thre just 14 weeks ago), but try and not think about it too much.

Hope that helped.

wannaBe · 20/01/2010 10:55

if it was a bloke would you still feel annoyed that they had each other's numbers?

If it was a bloke would you feel he shouldn't give him a lift?

yabu.

PrivetDancer · 20/01/2010 10:55

How did you find out? Did he just remember to tell you this morning?

second skidoodle's question too

I think I would be annoyed and a bit put out in your position, largely because of the hormones I expect. Would it be better if you thought it was an old lady rather than a girl? Did he actually say it was a 'girl'?

congrats on the baby hope his blows over soon.

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:55

Of course I asked him why he was late and he did say traffic and the lift is on the way home he says. What upsets me as he didn't tell me and yes I could do with him home on time, we have 4 children under 7 which includes our baby and ten minutes is a long time! I think I wanted him to show me some respect and realsie how you feel after having a baby ie hormonal so just tell me. Hormones

Am still angry!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 20/01/2010 10:55

In the nicest possible way can I say you really need to get a grip here! Your dh is giving a woman a lift to work. It's a nice thing to do, it's good for the environment and it makes no difference to you at all - 1o minutes here and there is hardly worth a major blow up! It is possible for work colleagues to get on well and exchange numbers without shaggeryfuckery going on and I think you need to apologise to your husband.

PrivetDancer · 20/01/2010 10:58

Even if it was a bloke, I'd still probably be a bit annoyed at the extra 10mins each way (thinking from the having a newborn perspective, not normally) as you cannot understand why they don't get home as soon as humanly possible.

I don't think there's anything strange in having each others phone numbers if they are sharing lifts - they each need to be able to let the other know if they are late / not going in etc.

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:59

And yes it is definitely a girl. I found out cos I texted him to say he could have helped me this morning and why the hurry. And I know if I was giving a man a lift and not telling me he would not be happy. He rings when leaving work to see how the day has gone (not much time to talk when he gets home with 4 little ones)but obviously hasn't this week as has had her in the car.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 20/01/2010 10:59

OK! I get a lift every day from a male collegue, it started when I was PG and now we do as its habit, and I give him petrol $$. We are mates, and there is nada dodgy. I dont think our respective partners are overjoyed, but I said "would you rather I schlep on the train"? or take the car and you dont have it!!!!

So there is a possibility that this is non dodgy, thats all

congrats !!!!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 20/01/2010 10:59

Sweet, 10 minutes isn't really a long time. I know it seems like it at the moment, but compared to the eight hours of him being at work it's not. It sounds pretty innocent, tbh, it's not weird that he has her number.

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/01/2010 11:00

He probably told you that he was stuck in traffioc because he knew you would kick off.

10 minutes late! It is only 10 minutes fgs not 2 hours.

It is not unreasonable: my phone is full of numbers from blokes at work, means nowt.

You are being hormonal and you are probably knackered, but save your rages for things which deserve rage, not this non-problem.

cakeywakey · 20/01/2010 11:02

yes it sounds like YABU, but I can appreciate how being hormonal, having a new baby and other DCs to deal with, losing 20 mins of your day with him and missing his call to you of an evening could turn you into a howling wreck. I cried at less in the first few weeks having DD.

Perhaps a gentle and non-howly chat will help him to see your POV - it may be worth saying that you're BU, but that you just can't help it at the moment

Congratulations on our new baby BTW.

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 11:06

I know it's non dodgy. I just feel upset that I have just given birth to his child and have his tea waiting while he is giving attention to her instead. And not weird having the number but weird being secretive.

Thanks for you support.

OP posts:
RichardGereandtheGuineaPigs · 20/01/2010 11:08

You are going to be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo when your hormones settle down.

minxofmancunia · 20/01/2010 11:08

(v gently) I think yabu and it's as a result of your hormones and the stress of caring for 4 young children and a small baby. I think the anger is understandable but disproportionate to the situation.

It doesn't sound like there's anything sinister going on here, giving a list is a nice thing to do and energy saving. they prob have each others numbers because of the lift i.e. to let each other know if there's a prob. I give lifts to colleagues male and female a lot, and they to me to if car's in the garage etc.

And (excusing the op here she's post natal and hormonal) for those of you who would mind, why? It's a lift! Is this posessiveness a theme in your relationships? I couldn't cope with this and would find it very claustrophobic.

rey · 20/01/2010 11:09

Sounds like YABU BUT BUT I would be the same hormones or not. What we have to remember is for some male species it will be totally above board ad the reason they don't mention it is because it's nothing. However, even me like that need to be aware that it's not a male they are giving a lift to and things can but not always go further even if not in real life then with the gossips.

ShinyAndNew · 20/01/2010 11:09

Dh used to get a lift to work from another woman. They became quite close AS FRIENDS. She sadly died on monday of menigitis. DH is beside himself and wants to do something to help her daughter. We have decided to send a card offering sympathy and support, should she want some one to talk to who knew her mum.

Anyway - He would be leaving early to allow for the detour/stop to pick her up, surely?

She would have his number to text him and let him know if she was ill/running late? So that he wasn't waiting for her unneccesarily. That's what DH did anyway.

WRT to asking for a lift - probably something as innocent as she noticed/overheard that he lived near her home. Dh didn't know this woman untill they started car sharing.

So YABU. But I agree it's not your fault. Try and forget about it and enjoy your new baby

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 11:10

"He probably told you that he was stuck in traffioc because he knew you would kick off."

Nope, sorry.

You don't get to lie to your wife who has just had a brand new baby and then blame it on her that you had to lie because she is so hysterical.

Giving people lifts to and from work is not something you keep from your spouse.

I would be fucking furious if I had a new baby and my husband was spending 20 extra minutes a day making someone else's life easier whilst I could have done with the help.

Right now his family comes first. Not giving secret lifts to young "girls".

I hope he has a hands-free kit in his car, or else he's a dangerous driver.

youwillnotwin · 20/01/2010 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scratchet · 20/01/2010 11:19

I agree with skidoodle.

I don't think the lift or swapping numbers is a problem but the secrecy definately would be for me.

I know how you feel with the postnatal hormones though, its like pure evil coursing through you!