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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

306 replies

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:45

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 12:45

"It is disrespectful if he doesn't pull his weight at home. That's your real problem OP. Why are you acting like a 1950s housewife"

Well quite. That is the real issue IMO.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/01/2010 12:55

Glad it's been sorted out now OP. It sounds to me like what's getting you down is the fact that he is doing someone else a favour, when it sounds like he isn't doing you his knackered wife, many favours. Not saying he is being a bad husband, just that you are clearly totally overworked (could hardly be otherwise) and he could be doing more to make you feel special/loved/appreciated as well as more practical help.

Is he giving you much help with the kids/housework once he gets home? If not, talk to him about it and explain that you need him to do more during this time. It's not unreasonable to expect him to lighten your load as much as possible.

Oh, and IMO, ironing his shirts should not even be on your to-do list - looking after your four kids is a full time job. A woman i know told her husband they could either have a third child OR ironed clothes. Ended up with four lovely kids and him with the ironing board in his study

Oblomov · 20/01/2010 13:10

Sorry, has Op's dh now told this woman that he can't give her a lift anymore ?
oh dear, thats a shame.
OP, YANBU. I am sure the woman is lovely and there is nothing going on at all. Male colleague who sits next to me gave me a lift once. BUT, he should have told you before. Said, "oh woman a has asked me to give her a lift, starting on monday". did he jst not do this becasue he is a man and doesn't think it is significant ? It looks odd that he didn't.
But OP has now over-reacted, becasue the poor woman is without a lift now.
oh dear.

lumpasmelly · 20/01/2010 13:13

Glad it seems to have been sorted out....seriously though, you shouldn't beat yourself up over the fact that the situation made you feel paranoid. I am sure we can all hold our hands up and think of a time when we have acted in a way we normally woulnd't because our hormones are all over the place.

And in answer to one of the other posters - no I'm not a 1950s housewife - I am a trader in the city, so have a pretty good insight into how the psyche of your average man works (lets just say the guys on the desk are quite forthcoming with their views on women, wives, sex etc) - I was just trying to point out to the OP that in order to get what she wants without it backfiring and turning into a HUGE confrontation (where she is made to seem like a super bitch), sometimes you need to take a different approach....and BTW, men do have "needs" that are sometimes neglected while we are pregnant. I only need to look around this trading floor to do a quick tally of the men I KNOW are playing around because they're (sorry to be crude) not "getting it" at home or simply because opportunity comes knocing. Yes - I agree that this makes them pigs and I don't agree with it, but I'm just saying that when you mix a horny man, pissed off with his wife, with opportunity it can lead to bad things. Maybe I've been in this job to long!!!

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/01/2010 13:26

lumpa I think perhaps the fact you spend a lot of time with traders on the floor would mean you have probably assimilated their views and would explain your attitude.

RedbinDippers · 20/01/2010 13:36

AS long as he's not shagging her whats the problem. He probably appreciates some conversation that doesn't revolve around babies.

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/01/2010 13:37

I'm glad this has been sorted out.

However... the OP is hormonal, so she's excused. But the rest of you that agree??? Good grief.

Good luck with someone, DH or otherwise telling me off for being 10 minutes late home from work, newborn or not. Good fucking luck.

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 13:45

Georgimama

"If that one off then got repeated and through the course of a couple of weeks turned into a regular thing I probably wouldn't mention it because whilst innocent, it had been going on for too long to suddenly get mentioned without looking like over explanation of something innocent."

Sorry, but that's just really weird.

"Going on for too long to suddenly get mentioned?"

what place has that in a trusting relationship?

"if a male colleague had been giving me a lift and told me he had to stop because his wife had kicked off I would think she was a complete fruitloop."

Really? You wouldn't think he was a disloyal bastard?

Because I would.

I would never presume to think any woman I'd never met was a fruitloop on the basis of what someone else told me about her.

OP - glad your DH has put your mind at ease

YouKnowNothing great post, very insightful

Romanarama · 20/01/2010 13:47

OP it might not be reasonable, but I would be livid with rage, paling dramatically in comparison with how dh would react if the ball were on the other foot. So sympathies!

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 13:48

I have told him a few times to give her a lift that's not what I'm bothered about, I have said give a lift to who you want and siad please do give her a lift ...but he says no he has told her now and that's that I must have scared him. And now I feel like shit but hey ho am a postnatal, and hormonal and the issues are mine not his.

OP posts:
Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 13:50

And I would like other conversation too but not sure he would be happy if I invited a bloke round every day for 2 hours. But if he's bothered maybe I could say he's hormonal. Might try it when things blow over!

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 20/01/2010 13:53

skidoodle

None of what you've said has any place in a trusting relationship imo skidoodle.

nancydrewrocks · 20/01/2010 13:54

So did we finally get to the bottom of the fact that he actually never once lied about what he was doing?

I am absolutely stunned at the idea that so many woman see the concept of their husbands spending time with another woman as a threat/suspicious.

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 13:56

harlot

what, you mean the bit about not lying to one another?

I can see how honesty is problematic to trust, yes.

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/01/2010 13:58

He didn't actually lie though, did he?

He just forgot to mention it. As you would, when you don't live in WORLD OF SUSPICION

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 13:58

No, I wouldn't think he was a disloyal bastard.

And I agree with what SH said. Skidoodle you seem to think every man is one drink away from playing away. I don't.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 13:59

"I have told him a few times to give her a lift that's not what I'm bothered about"

What are you bothered about then?

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 14:00

I don't know whether he lied, we never got confirmation of that. Did we?

If he just forgot to mention it, then no biggie. If he was pretending to be caught in traffic so as not to have to mention it, then he was lying and I would not do that, and I would not expect it to be done to me.

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 14:08

"No, I wouldn't think he was a disloyal bastard."

Really?

A man tells you that he can't give you a lift because his wife has a problem with it, and you just accept that at face value and don't wonder why he is telling you something so negative about the woman he is meant to love, when you don't know her and barely know him?

That would be a big red flag of an utter shitbag to me, but heigh ho. Surely a decent man would not be including virtual strangers in a private matter like that? What business could it possibly be of a colleagues?

"Skidoodle you seem to think every man is one drink away from playing away. "

LMAO

That is absolutely the last think I think. Just because I think it's unreasonable to lie to your wife about your whereabouts and/or company doesn't mean I think all men are liars and cheats. It doesn't follow at all.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 14:21

The OP's husband didn't lie though. And there is a difference between not telling someone something and lying. I don't give my husband an hour by hour schedule of my day and the interactions with men and women it brings. But hey, perhaps you think it's normal to do so.

Pikelit · 20/01/2010 14:27

I wish some kind woman would give my dp a lift to work. It'd mean I could stop running a fecking taxi service. Would I mistrust her motives? Well no, actually. Because I've always assumed that men and women can sometimes be trusted not to shag themselves silly if allowed to meet without a chaperone.

Hormones. There's nowt so queer as hormones.

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 14:27

Do you know, this thread really has helped clear my head and see every side- nancy drew, no he never lied but in a close relationship deceit amounts to worse than a lie, I think.

And I sat feeding the baby thinking maybe I have postnatal psychosis and my mind has been put at rest cos people understand!

And the fact that DH is not bothered to tell her he won't give her a lift makes me think he's good really.

And I don't think I am wrong to be over cautious about something like this either. Imagine if there is/was something going on. I;m not going to be someone who sits accepts that, or is too stupid to realise.

But I still can't see how he forgot to mention giving her a lift, it's a big and important part of the day , It's still not an excuse. Maybe he couldn't be bothered or thought I might be hurt, or maybe he just didn't know what to say and put his head in the sand.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/01/2010 14:29

skidoodle
A man tells you that he can't give you a lift because his wife has a problem with it, and you just accept that at face value and don't wonder why he is telling you something so negative about the woman he is meant to love, when you don't know her and barely know him?

WTF what he supposed to say then? Jeez he can't do right for doing wrong! He's out of order for giving her a lift, he's out of order for stopping the lifts.

Yeah, if my DH 'stopped me' giving a colleague a lift or anything else innocuous I'd probably say 'sorry, I have to stop X, DH is being difficult about it. I'll deal with that myself but for now I'd rather not get the hassle'.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 14:30

In the nicest possible way, OP, men who are going to have an affair do not desist from doing so because their wife stops them giving someone a lift. And men who are not going to have an affair don't suddenly start because they give some girl a lift.

As for:

"But I still can't see how he forgot to mention giving her a lift, it's a big and important part of the day"

No, it isn't.

Pikelit · 20/01/2010 14:33

I don't see car sharing as a big, important part of the day. Pretty much everyone else I know car shares to work as a matter of course.

But perhaps your husband knew that you'd react as you have and, rather stupidly since truth will out, thought saying nothing might avoid the inevitable hoohah.