about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

[alfiesmadmother]

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

I can understand the time thing (a bit) more but it's only 10 mins each way not half and hour or anything.

fwiw I posted about dh going out to play badminton when our 2nd dc was a week or so old. I said i felt like I neede the extra help at the time he was going (7-8pm) just until things settled down with the baby and could he play at a different time.

was resoundly tolf not to be so pathetic and let him do "the only thing he does for himself all week".

Maybe i would have got a more supportive response if i'd said he was playing with a girl.

wannaBe

I've been under the impression all along that she had asked him previously why he was late back and he had said it was due to traffic.

If this was the first discussion they had about his lateness, then I agree that there isn't an issue.

But if he was fobbing her off on previous days and only came clean today, then that's not cool. I really dislike being lied to and I would never lie to my DH.

Although I'm quite capable of omitting to mention giving someone a lift, I would not think to pretend it hadn't happened if there was a discussion about me being later than usual.

It all hinges on that for me, basically.

"Or is it just me that thinks that if you're in a trusting relationship then you shouldn't have to declare your every encounter with someone of the opposite sex."

Yes, it's just you. We have a little book where we record them all. Then we input them into a spreadsheet and compare who has had the highest number of encounters and that person has to make the dinner for a month.

actually, minx I'd have backed you up had I seen the thread. priorities

And as I said earlier, 10 minutes each way is 1 hr 40 minutes a week.

It's not particularly about trust, though, Northernlurker -- OP has said she doesn't think anything untoward is going on. But I know there were times with DS (who was an, ahem, "spirited" newborn) that an extra twenty minutes a day without adult human company probably would have driven me to tears. And times when it wouldn't.

OP, are you the only one getting up at night with your baby? I'm just wondering because (with the shirts and tea and all) you seem to have a very traditional division of tasks. Which is fine if it works for you, but you sound as though you may be seriously sleep-deprived as well as hormonal. Do you get a chance to take a break at any point?

And I think being hormonal does go some way to excusing unreasonable behaviour. That's partly what (at least some) hormones are for, after all. If someone is sleep-deprived, even more so (why sleep deprivation is used as a means of torture -- sleep-deprived people do not act rationally).

Well I wouldn't like it hormonal or non hormonal and thats that, especially if it was in my car. Probably wouldn't say too much though because I am aware it is a bit silly to be this way.

However OP, you have just had a baby and can be totally excused. I think you need to have a long chat with your dh and get some reassurance.

I still wouldn't like it though!

Manx - Labeling women "controlling, mad hormonal nutters" is offensive and I think you should try to remember that the OP has given birth only two weeks ago!!

It makes me VERY CROSS when people use this language around women who are postnatal, we might like to remember that many, many women on here have suffered badly with PND - Your comments are not helpful and a bit immature.

"fwiw I posted about dh going out to play badminton when our 2nd dc was a week or so old. I said i felt like I neede the extra help at the time he was going (7-8pm) just until things settled down with the baby and could he play at a different time.

was resoundly tolf not to be so pathetic and let him do "the only thing he does for himself all week"

There are a lot of martyr women on MN who think it's more important that a man has a nice and enjoyable life than that his wife gets the help she needs.

There is no way I think it's reasonable for a man with a week old baby to be going out playing badminton when his wife feels she needs the help.

"the only think he does for himself all week" indeed

I bet you were being pampered all week long, were you? Having a ball indulging all your simple pleasures and enjoying all your hobbies.

I think OP, you should pick your battles. In the grand scheme of life and marriage, this really isn't worth all the anger and resentment...I think you already know that you are going overboard on it - your original post implies as much...

(I mean some hormones are supposed to affect your behaviour, not that they are supposed specifically to induce unreasonable behaviour, which would be a bit silly)

But the thing that is dodgy is the 'forgetting' to tell you.... I am honestly not a jealous type, my H actually has good relationships with two of his exs and had lunch with one the other day comparing baby notes. He also works with a load of women, is very fond of a lot of them and does lunch a lot as part of his profession. It has never ocurred to me he would cheat or anything like that.

But..... that said, even given my really secure stance I would be livid about this and suspicious, especially with the not calling you on the way home too because thats a nice thing you have lost as well as your 20 mins (which at this stage is like an eternity - I always found tea time really stressful because I was tired and sometimes I couldn't even sit down or I would go to sleep.

It is perfectly fine to think that this soon after a baby it should be all about you.

TBH I'd rather come across as old fashioned and unhinged (to some) than to feel disrespected and fucking furious that some woman was in MY car. I don't think a woman who has thoughts like that is flawed in character.

YANBU alfiesmadmother. I know there are people on here that are talking about trust and saying in that respect that YABU. Whilst I can see their point, your hormones must be all over the place, having just given birth. You must also be exhausted, having FOUR children under 7 to look after, so minor issues like this can seem so much bigger and sinister than they really are.

The fact that you have his dinner on the table and his shirts ironed is a bloody outrage. He should be pulling his weight and helping you around the home! Also, as a couple of other posters have said, this might only be 10mins each way, but that's 100mins per week and that is time he could be spending giving you the help you desperately need. If you wish him to stop giving the girl a lift home, he should respect that.

FWIW, I do think it is ONLY a lift and nothing sinister. Good luck and I hope this issue resolves itself.

alfie, from the OP it seems you're actually more upset about missing out on the afternoon phone chats that you always have with your DH, than by the fact he is giving her this lift.

You are missing out on something that was personal between the two of you. You miss it.

People who aren't spending all day with little adult conversation often don't realise how meaningful 10 minutes of talking can be.

I don't think you have a real problem with the lift (a hormonal one maybe, but not a real one), but I agree that you shouldn't miss out on some vital, routine communication with your DH.

Could you ask him to start calling again? Explain that that is really important to you.

DH emails me through the day, when he has time. If I don't get any emails at all (no matter how short) I feel a bit sad.

That is not unreasonable.

Ok he has replied a rational and reasoned repl

'It was because we start at the same time. I would have given anyone a lift and it did not delay me as I go that way. But sorry not to discuss with you, I did not think it was a problem, I was only helping someone out and have said I can't now anyway.'

Ok now I feel like a psycho bitch mentalist.

I AM hormonla and I AM knackered and I do all the night feeds as I'm breastfeeding but I do get 2 hours a day just with the baby (easy eh?) and he does have to go to work.

The baby is 2 weeks old by the way and I really do think everyone should show more support to the ups and downs. And I really really do not think it is unreasonable for DH to stay at home as long as possible in the morning to help out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm with Skidoodle. Think it's very odd to dodge the question - as if he was thinking whether or not to tell you. If my dh was taking someone to work, he would definitely tell me about it. Not in a weird way, just conversationally. If doing this made him ten minutes late, even more so.

I also think men have a tendency to behave badly (if they're going to) when new babies are on the scene.

Sorry, alarm bells for me.

I have to say YANBU this is not 20 mins a day, he is in the car with her for 2 hours a day! As put more eloquently by lumpasmelly, this is cause for concern. It is at least 10 hours of one-on-one time per week which is probably more than he spends talking with OP. I agree with skidoodle and junglist. If it were my car I'd probably hide the keys [mad hormonal lady emoticon]

Now I'm going to run away before I'm told off

I don't think it's sinister by the way, don't mean to come across like that. These things can be innocent of course, as long as it doesn't cause upset, which this is

Good news OP! Now he knows your point of view and has respected your wishes. And won't have to get the bus. Yay!

You know nothing you have got it spot on. I feel alone, and neglected. And am probably trying to do too much- and have done nothing today now apart from bf and mumsnet. (and it's all HIS FAULT!)

sorry x-posts alfies, hope now that you've voiced your concerns with him he'll be more aware of your feelings.

You're not a mentalist. Cut yourself some slack - you've got a lot on your plate right now.

Sounds as though he has just been a little thoughtless. Hope things improve.

alfie, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. If DH walked through the door and I had binner on the table he would srop to the floor in shock! (And my youngest is 8 months now, and I've only got 3)

Make sure your DH understands that it is that that is bothering you most. You are not being mental you have just had a baby. 20 minutes is a hell of a lot of time when your life revolves around 2 hourly feeding cycles!

Now is not the time for him to be giving lifts. You need to feel like his ONLY priority.

When things settle then you can discuss it again. But not with a 2 week old!

I think that you need to sit down tonight with him, once the older DC are in bed and talk to him.

It is not unreasonable to resent the adult conversation that your DH has with his colleagues, and that you are stuck at home being the mummy.

Often the conversations we have when the DC are young cover topics such as nappies and feeds and there is a feeling of sadness and nostalgia for past times when you could discuss other matters for hours.

You do not sound like a mentalist bitch, you sound like an exhausted mother of 4, with a very young baby who is just not getting enough time to take a breath.

Don't be so hard on yourself, I am sure that your DH wont be.

Alfie - I am glad he is putting you first, just as he should. Hope you can now just concentrate on your new baby and you now - x

Well done for your husband for showing some sensitivity as well.

This sounds like a storm in a teacup. I really can't see how a 10 minute diversion to give a lift to a colleague is disrespectful. As others have said, if a male colleague had been giving me a lift and told me he had to stop because his wife had kicked off I would think she was a complete fruitloop.

As for the deceit issue, if I had given someone a lift as a one off I might not mention it. If that one off then got repeated and through the course of a couple of weeks turned into a regular thing I probably wouldn't mention it because whilst innocent, it had been going on for too long to suddenly get mentioned without looking like over explanation of something innocent. I would be mightily pissed off if I got the third degree about it. I definitely wouldn't say anything if I knew I was going to get the third degree about it.

It is disrespectful if he doesn't pull his weight at home. That's your real problem OP. Why are you acting like a 1950s housewife?