about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

[alfiesmadmother]

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

Wubblybubbly, that's so interesting because I feel the opposite - I feel kind of guilty that DH goes out to work all day I get to stay home having a great time looking after our kids. I still work 2 days but would rather be at home and will quit altogether when DC3 arrives.

I was discussing this thread with DH this morning (more about the shirts ironed and tea on the table bit) because I actually think if I am at home it is my 'job' to shop, cook, clean, wash, iron etc. And I do it cos I don't want him to be bothered with any of the domestic stuff cos he has a hard enough job out at work. Xenia would have a field day with this one!

I asked him: If I was capable of earning the same amount as him, would he like for me to go out to work and for him to stay at home and look after the kids, and he said yes. he would love to be able to spend all his time with the kids.

Not sure how long he would last doing it, but he sure would like to give it a try!

"I still think I have a right to know what he does through the day, though not every second obviously"

My dh travels so much that I'm lucky if I know which country he's in, yet alone which hotel he's staying in or which client he's seeing.

neenz, I guess everyone is different. I really struggled at first with the massive responsibility of being in sole charge of DS and also losing my independence, both financially and physically.

I used to work before DS and, for me, it was a piece of piss in comparision! It was the total isolation I felt that was the hardest to come to terms with. I envied his ability to just shut the door on homelife and become 'himself' again.

It's different now, DS is older and I started playgroups and meeting up with friends with children, it helped me to feel a part of the human race again.

I certainly don't think it's my 'job' to cook and clean and such, that would make DH my boss, I think even he'd pee himself at that! My Mother thinks I'm a disgrace, so I must be getting something right!

I agree with Wild Sea Horses.

Just after having DS2, my DH had to help a new colleague settle in. She was this amazing woman, blond and slim and pretty, with 4 kids AND a high powered job, and my DH was always singing her praises, told me how amazing she was.

That made me really feel , being a fat (ie post natal) depressed housewife who could barely manage 2 small kids...

He would sometimes go for lunch with her, and again, he would tell me how funny-interesting she was.

Now, as he wasn´t keeping any of it a secret, I was quite sure there were no intentions of anything untoward.

However, at the time I felt VERY vulnerable, and just couldn´t handle DH giving any attention to another woman. It just upset me.

Maybe it doesn´t make sense, but your feelings are real and should be acknowledged.

I still think I have a right to know what he does through the day, though not every second obviously"

That made me smile. Often my husband has no idea what I have been up to for days on end!. We have a morning routine but my working week varies so much the main thing he needs to know is if I'm going to be in around tea time/ evening/weekend so we can sort out who is picking kids up/doing home work/making tea etc.

By the time we sit down we have a natter about kids, people we've seen in the day maybe but there has been plenty of times when I've said 'Oh I got the train to Manchester the other day and saw a film at the Cornerhouse, or I went up to Lake District on Tuesday with so and so and we went 'upahill' (geddit..joke)
If I've had a bad day sometimes, the poor fella, he has to listen to EVERY detail of who has said what and to who and why!!!

Chandon, that would make me very ! Not surprised you felt peeved by that - I would have been too. Your DH should think (and talk as if) YOU are the most amazing woman he knows!

Wubbly, lol at DH being my boss - the only way he is like a boss is that he gives me all his wages

I agree with everything skidoodle has said on this thread. Everything.

So OP, YANBU.

I am not hormonal.

And to those posters who write the OP's feelings off as hormonal, I see that as extremely patronising.

OP - I totally agree with you. You are not mad and MN seems to be full of women dismissing any kind of valid jealousy / weirdness etc. as hormonal. They are wrong and you are right. Nuff said.

I posted on here yesterday and just wanted to check everything worked out. I am so glad the issue has resolved itself... Hope you are feeling much better.

YABU
No wonder he doesn't want to tell you if that is how you react.

Perhaps he has her phone number because he gives her a lift to work?

Perhaps he thinks it rude to ignore his passenger and have a conversation with his wife in the car. Maybe he doesn't want her overhearing his conversation with you.

Appreciate the op is post natal, amgoing through this myself at the moment but it's no reason to feel jealous, I just don't think it's justified.

If you are going to get jealous about something as trivial as this then by God how will you live your life in peace? He's going to come into contact with other women woithout you there, supposing he ends up sharing an office with a woman at work, how would you cope with that?

If affairs were a "matter of proximity and opprtunity" I would have had several and dh would have had at least 2 with our work histories of working for prolonged periods and in close proximity to members of the opposite sex. This hasn't hapened. I've worked night shifts with 3 other staff members all male, not an issue, I've also been a team leader for 10 blokes, just me and them on shift, again not an issue.

Current team at work is 10 women and- shock horror 1 man, how does his poor wife cope she must be wriing her hands and sobbing every time he sets of to work, sometimes giving me a lift!? And he goes on team building days and work nights out with us too!!

I can't beleive more of you aren't saying this is U tbh.

What is with this ridiculous shock horror nonsense. I dont think op is hysterical at the thought of her h sharing an office with a woman by any means and its a bit patronizing really.

Minx does the man who gives you a lift to work just openly do so, a casual arrangement acknowledged by everyone involved, or does he lie to his wife and pick you up in secret?

Op has already said shes not arsed about the lift in itself, shes arsed about the fact hes never ever mentioned this woman,kept the arrangement quiet and lied about why he was late home.
Im not " hormonal " but i wouldnt apreciate being lied to , whether thats about why hes late home or something more serious, its just about a bit of respect sureley and if my h is telling lies , or omitting to mention something id want to know why. And no, i dont want a breakdown of his day or a list of all the women hes spoke to.

I don't think yabu. With 4 small children he should be at home as much as possible to help you and not a colleague. Unfortunately my experience of 'lifts' leaves me a suspicious old shrew and I would be most unhappy if DH was offering lifts to anyone who didn't have a hairy builders arse. In my last company there was lots of car sharing and affairs and gossip.

Not read the thread.

OP. YANBU.

Let the girl find her own way to work.

Glad the arrangement has been knocked o the head.I think 2 hours alone together in a car is a bit too intimate

It doesn't matter how "intimate" it is, it's a lift to be helpful ffs.

I find some of the assumptions inherent on this thread a little shockng tbh

1. Women are naturally desigened to seduce and correupt men with their wily ways and can't be trusted. v insulting imo

2. Men, poor dear little things have to have every aspect of their life monitored and accounted for by their partners otherwise their heads may be turned by one of the above and they "can't help" but slip into having an affair.

You can't "affair proof" your relationship. If he's going to have one he's going to have one what ever barriers you try to impose.

Would any of you really want to be with a man where it was necessary to impose these barriers? I know I wouldn't.

Mores to the point are many men going to put up with jealous, suspicious, controlling behaviour from their wives/partners indefinitely particularly without reasonable justification? My dh wouldn't tolerate this and understandably so.

We've got a v close male friend who got togethre with a women who was like this. Never ever let him come out, wouldn't let him round to ours because I was here and she didn't like him looking at me (not that he was doing in any suggestive way anyway). Kicked off one time at a cash point because a girl in a short skirt walked past, he didn't even look at her? Basically kept our friend locked away from the rest of the world for 2 years, after 2 years he came to his senses and left.

fwiw this is not diercted at the op, I can kind of see her point as she's post natal but atall the others on this thread who'd never let this happen with all this stuff about affair proofing and intimacy etc.

Isn't it funny how polarised this is? I have been quite surprised TBH. V interesting thread OP although I'm sure you didn't post it for that reason

Affairs dont happen like that , people dont just wake up one morning and decide to do it.They often start with a freindship, talking, becoming emotionally attatched blah blah lines get crossed ect.I didnt mind my h going out , staying out, having women freinds,going on holiday with his freinds ect.Becomes a problem when hes whinging to his " freind " and confiding private things to her and becoming emotionally close then eventually shagging her.So in my opinion yes, boundaries are required.
How many of us have got uncomfortably close to this or even done it, or our partners have?

I,ll admit to it,got far too close to a male freind, initially everything open and fine, just lunch, no problem, then confiding in personal things ,spending more time,phone calls , getting a little bit closer, then too close. You know the rest.
So no, theres nothing wrong with boundaries, and i wouldnt allow anything like that to happen again as im aware there are lines on freindships with the opposite sex.And no, you cant " affair proof " your marriage but you can be aware that lots of us are suseptible? sp to affairs in the right circumstances and avoid circumstances where they can happen, ie close intimate freindships with people you spend a lot of time with on your own or whatever.
Thats not being suspicous or controlling.

but doesn't getting too close to a friend of the opposite sex and eventuslly it becoming intimate mean that there are problems "at home" as it were that need to be worked on?

I've had a male friend cross the line as it were with me and it turned out he was in love and wanted more than friendship (he's single). i had to stop seeing him this was my choice, it was too awkward for both of us and difficult for him. In the lift situation if "the gril" was becominginappropriate surely in a trusting relationshsip the man would realise this and stop the lifts. If it's not a problem surely the lifts can continue?

How many of us would " forget " to mention weve spent 2 hours in the car with someone that day, in fact all week? or " Forget " to mention this arrangement altogether?
Wouldnt you naturally say oh so and so said this on the way home today, as couple do when there just chatting?

Maybe this girl is actually a good freind from work , nothing wrong so far and op isnt complaining about that, shes complaining about secret lifts to a secret freind.And i would too.

Here's some good advice for you alfiesmadmother:

"Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place."

There doesn't have to be 'problems' at home just family life and same old routine. I know plenty of men who have no intention of leaving their families but just want a little escapism. I also know woman who have no qualms in splitting up a family if they want a particular man and feel no guilt or who see an affair as OK so long as no-one gets hurt. In fact I seem to be a fuddy duddy to dare to disagree with these people.