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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

306 replies

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:45

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 11:43

minx

If the man in question was any kind of a husband you wouldn't know that your lift was withdrawn because his wife didn't like it.

As for "expecting an apology", what planet do you live on? You would expect a stranger to apologise to you for something that went on between her and her husband and to which you were merely incidental?

If I found out that a married man I was getting a lift to from was lying to his wife about it I would knock it on the head right then and there.

LastTrainToGeneva · 20/01/2010 11:44

I well remember the newborn hormones, so my heart goes out to you. I remember being wildly angry at dh because he spoke to his mum on the phone on his way back from work. I have no clue what my reasoning was, but I felt it was in some way disrespectful to me and to the very traumatic day I was regularly having with a newborn. Ask me now and I'm

I used to give a lift to a bloke from work pretty much every day, except when it was his turn to do the school run as the school was out of my way. Nothing complicated, nothing dodgy, nothing to hide. I know 10 minutes feels like ages to you now because you're actually counting down the seconds to your dh coming home, but in reality it's nothing. Really.

Congrats on the new baby

Drusilla · 20/01/2010 11:45

When I was younger I had an operation on my eyes that meant Icouldn't drive for quite a while, so was dependent on buses or getting regular lifts from kind colleagues who lived in the same town as me and to whom I gave petrol money. I probably made them a few minutes later getting home too. I had their phone numbers too, but definitely didn't have designs on any of them! Really think you should cut him some slack here, sounds like he is just doing a good deed

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 11:45

mayorquimby

"sorry but is that what's happened? from my reading of it he just forgot to tell her and when she asked him why he was late he said traffic and the lift. " he did say traffic and the lift is on the way home he says". presumably this brought about a conversation which went what lift/ oh i thought i told you i was giving x a lift this week/no you didn't/oh i thought i did... and so forth.
I'd need clarification on this "

If your reading is correct, then I agree with you.

Sorry, I thought it had been clarified that she had asked why he was late and he said it was the traffic and it only came out later that he had been giving this lift every day.

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 11:46

But skiddoodle - he's giving her a lift, not a seeing to! FFS.

I hate the way that no-one can have any kind of interaction at all with a member of the opposite sex without it being construed as dodgy in some way. So sad.

lumpasmelly · 20/01/2010 11:47

YANBU

If it was my husband and he had made this arrangement with some girl that I didn't know, and I found out the way you did, I would be furious. He should appreciate the fact that you are hormonal and really need his support at a time like this, and he has put you in a really difficult position as it makes YOU look unreasonable now if you tell him you are not happy with the arrangment (when in fact, it is the whole situation that you are not happy with). OF COURSE it would be different if you knew this person and she was a family friend, or even if it was a bloke. Call me paranoid, but the last think you need is for your guy to be having cosy chats with some carefree girl about how hard his life is and how hormonal his wife is (and trust me, when you have 2 hours in the car per day, it is only a matter of time before these discussions start) - regardless of what a top bloke he is, if she is pretty, single and willing to listen to him, then her company is going to turn his head. This is not to say that he is going to do anything bad, but its really not a distraction that you need to be dealing with at the moment. This is a tough time for him too and he is probably tired and fed up, but you guys need to be tackling this as a team as opposed to him sharing his feelings with someone else because the opportunity arises.

So - what to do, without appearing like a complete mental case.....I would sit him down and tell him that you KNOW that you are being hormonal and irrational and that under any other circumstances it wouldn't bother you but for some reason (beyond your control) it is really bothering you, and you can't help your imagination from going into overdrive and thinking the worst. Tell him that of course you trust him and love him very much, but this is also why you believe that he is probably quite irresistable to this other woman too (especially as you KNOW that you are not able to meet his "needs" at the moment, and you feel bad about that). Ask him to bear with your little foibles and stop doing the lifts, just for your peace of mind (and be VERY grateful). By approaching it in a non confrontational/angry way, and framing it as a sitation where you are the damsal in distress, and only he can save you from your insecurities, it should bring our the protector in him, and make him WANT to stop giving the girl lifts. It will also make him feel desirable as you are basically hinting that he is irresistable. Throw a few tears in for good measure!

In a couple of months time when you are feeling more in control and better, you can both laugh about this together.....and its not like you are asking him to give up an activity that he loves, so I don't think he will mind canning the lift.

Hope it goes well (and remember - no anger and shouting as it will only make him feel justified and drive him away).

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:47

See? There's always one that tries to brand me as a paranoid freak. I'm not, I respect myself, and don't allow people to disrespect me or my property.
You know what OP, let them do what they like, you're only his fucking wife, so put yourself last. And Mumsnet is supposed to be full of feminists

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:48

And my property I mean the car

Tamarto · 20/01/2010 11:48

'If this was my husband I would be cross with him for not discussing it with me first'

Really? you would expect your husband to discuss the fact that he's going to do someone a favour, would you want it discussing if it were a male he was giving a lift to?

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:50

at people acting like these boards aren't full of wives who've been left for other women!!!!
Not your husband OP, just stating the obvious

mazzystartled · 20/01/2010 11:50

He was daft not to tell you about it.
And given the 4 little kids postnatal scenario a bit insensitive.
So YANBU
But it's not really anything to howl about, unless you're in the mood for a good old howl

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 11:51

Orm
"I hate the way that no-one can have any kind of interaction at all with a member of the opposite sex without it being construed as dodgy in some way"

My issue is with the lying, not the interaction with a member of the opposite sex. If mayorquimby is right, then I can't really see the problem.

Well, other than the fact that I remember how lomg ten minutes of being alone with a newborn sometimes felt and how I practically fell on my DH when he'd get through the door.

Not that I would think that sufficient reason to ask him not to give a colleague a lift, but some days I might resent it. In the same way that I sometimes resented his lack of breasts. And cried with envy the first morning he got to go back to work. But IAVU at the best of times.

minxofmancunia · 20/01/2010 11:52

lumpasmelly your post is quite worrying and tbh you make yourself sound like the mental case you're trying to avoid being like.

"meeting his needs" etc.etc. what century are we in "getting his head turned" wtf!? he's amn presumably not soem hormonal 15 year old. If men get their "head turned" it's down to their inadequacies not "a pretty carefree young girl"

guys IT'S. A. LIFT.

Sazisi · 20/01/2010 11:52

yanbu

Agree with Skidoodle

indiewithacold · 20/01/2010 11:53

YANBU, he's lied to you about another woman. Okay it might be innocent but he's still lied. Tell him to knock it on the head right away.

Original poster

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 11:53

DH had loads of female friends, some mutual, some he talks about a lot (work colleagues) What doesn't sit right is the fact that he is suddenly giving this girl a lift home and he has not mentioned her name before.

I think littlemoomin has wise words, some of which I have used to text DH- told him I am cross he didn't discuss it and how did the arrangement come to happen and who is she? Very brave of for me! I'll see what he replies.

And giving people lifts is lovely, but 3 days he has given her a lift there and back and I didn't know.

And I have actually said I don't give a hoot if you give a lift to the queen of sheeba what I don't like is not been asked or told and the secrecy and when he gives male colleagues lifts he always tells me.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 20/01/2010 11:54

sorry, i have missed something - how exactly did you find out?

Sazisi · 20/01/2010 11:55

Also, it's 10 minutes each way, so 140 minutes a week.
It's lovely to have a husband who likes helping people, but if I'd just had baby number 4, I'd expect mine to be spending that extra time holding the baby while I drink a well-needed cup of tea!

Original poster

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 11:55

Oh and I am sacrificing access to my car- I have no car so he can get himself and her to work!

OP posts:

PollyTechnique · 20/01/2010 11:56

Four children under 7?

I'd feel the same as you, unreasonable or not.

So, you've explained how you feel to him and he's sorted it out.

Perhaps now tell him how much his help and support means to you, particularly in the present circumstances, post-partum.

And enjoy your new baby!

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 11:56

Well I hope he comes back with answers that will set your mind at rest

Sazisi · 20/01/2010 11:57

Sorry, 1 hour 40 minutes

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:57

Yes it's just a lift but in OP's car, and she is upset and angry about it at a time when all her reserves should be dealing with her newborn.

Original poster

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 11:58

And he decided to tell me this morning when I said why the rush..via text and he texted back saying actually * has asked for a lift. On the one hand I feel a nutcase but the more I think about it I think why did he not just say!

OP posts:

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:58

OP tell him if he doesn't stop with the lifts they can both get the bus (childish and defensive emoticon)

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