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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

306 replies

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:45

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

OP posts:

stressheaderic · 20/01/2010 11:21

I would be a bit if he hadn't mentioned it, but the actual arrangement is surely innocent.

Is it a permanent arrangement though? DP gives a lift to a girl from work now and again when her car is getting fixed/car was stuck in the snow etc, it's only sometimes so he has her number incase she needs to ask him.

10mins isn't long at all...but for the next few days, I wouldn't be having his tea on the table ready, I'd be saying "oh I wasn't sure what time you'd be home" just so he knows he's in the dog house a bit. That's just me though

MmeLindt · 20/01/2010 11:22

Maybe he is being secretive because he suspected that his DW would be completely unreasonable about it.

LoveBeingAMummy · 20/01/2010 11:23

Sorry can I ask a question, if she's on the way why does it make him ten mins late?

thighsmadeofcheddar · 20/01/2010 11:24

Agree totally with Northern Lurker.

Congratulations on the new baby!

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:25

I wouldn't like it. nope. I wouldn't like that she had the number or that she was getting lifts unless I knew her personally. So YANBU. If it was a man I wouldn't mind half as much.Anyway it's your car so you can be petty and refuse for her to sit in it. I don't see why it should continue if it upsets you that much.

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/01/2010 11:25

It's 10 minutes for crying out loud!

Dear god alive.

nancydrewrocks · 20/01/2010 11:26

I am still a bit confused as to whehther he told you that he wass giving the girl a lift.

Your post of 10:55 suggests that when you asked why he was late he said traffic and lift. Is that correct?

I think you get to be pissed off if he has lied to you but not just over the lift itself.

thighsmadeofcheddar · 20/01/2010 11:28

But doesn't everyone have colleagues phone numbers? In case of emergency? Meetings changing? etc etc. I don't get it.

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 11:28

"but for the next few days, I wouldn't be having his tea on the table ready"

WTF?! PMSL

surely nobody on earth expects a woman at home with a newborn baby to have her husband's tea on the table as soon as he gets home?

tea on the table? LMAO

My poor DH. I expect him not to lie to me and also don't serve up dinner as soon as he crosses the threshold.

Original poster

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 11:30

Oh and that's ok then being secretive in case I kick off. Lets not tell her ANYTHING as after all she has just had a baby. Or lets just do as I please and if she gets upset blame it on the hormones. Oh poor thing being shouted at , hmmm.

Thank you skidoodle

Am so tempted not to do tea today, but fear I will be too soft and have it there waiting.

The thing is, I reckon he spends almost 2 hours a day with her and he gets about half an hour with the kids and probably even less asking how I am and that really upsets me.
I suppose theres nothing he can do now and it isn't his fault- but right now I do have the evil rage boiling up!!

OP posts:

Original poster

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 11:31

And I am an idiot having his shirts ironed and tea ready.

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 11:31

YABU. He's helping someone out. And they have exchanged numbers in case of any hold-ups or difficulties. But he's agreed to stop doing it. What else do you want?

I got a lift with a bloke to work for the best part of 2 years. I'd hate to think his wife resented it. We chatted because we got on OK,not for any other more suspicious reason.

Hormones excuse a great deal but be aware they are the reason for your feelings, not the facts.

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 11:32

It's not ten minutes, it's an arrangement he has made that delays him getting home and that he has lied to his wife about.

This is has done whilst she is at home looking after their newborn baby.

That is shit.

franch · 20/01/2010 11:32

YANBU. I agree with skidoodle all the way ...

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:33

Seriously, if you don't like it tell him she can get a bus. You are the priority here, why should you be upset over this, especially when you have a baby to look after?

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 11:34

Oh good I thought I'd be flamed to hell

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/01/2010 11:35

I am sure you would be lessed pissed off about the 10 minutes lateness and lift if your old man made the bloody dinner when he got in and ironed his own shirts.

OP - you are probably knackered what with 3 kids and a baby, Don't bust a gut trying to make sure his dinner is ready on time. He can bloody well do that when he gets in.

Same as ironing. Same as hoovering and all the other crappy duties. Perhaps he needs to pull his finger out a bit and that is why you are so pissed off with him.

sheepgomeep · 20/01/2010 11:37

no everybody doesn't have their colleagues phone no etc. My colleagues are not my friends, they are work mates.

I'm with skidoodle on this one I'm afraid but this is a bit close to home. My ex used to use 'the lift home to young girl excuse' as a reason for being late every day and lied about it. He buggered off with her in the end, she was only 16.

littlemoominmamma · 20/01/2010 11:38

If this was my husband I would be cross with him for not discussing it with me first and for being deciteful. I would also want to know who she was and how the arrangement came to happen.

If you are in any way uncomfortable with this set up you need to tell him and ask him to stop it. At a time like this when you have just had a new baby he needs to put you and his family first, not some stranger who needs a lift (she obviously managed to get to work perfectly well before).

Always trust your instincts, if it does not seem right put an end to it and ask him to delete the number so there is no more ringing for lifts in an emergency etc. Sorry if this seems harsh, but it is absoultly in your best intrests for your peace of mind or you could just let it carry on an be very unhappy about it for a long time.

minxofmancunia · 20/01/2010 11:38

junglist1 why might she be some husband stealing harlot homewrecker as all women are who potentially accept lifts from colleagues ?!

If a male colleague was giving me a life and then suddenly stopped because his wife didn;t like it I'd be

bemused
insulted
think she was a bit unhinged, however I WOULD think differently if she was post-nattal but would expect her to get over it and apologise.

If she is some sort of local harlot/siren and tries it on surely he'd knock the lifts on the head?

Do you have to vet all your dhs/dps female contacts for husband stealery potential?

mayorquimby · 20/01/2010 11:39

"He probably told you that he was stuck in traffioc because he knew you would kick off."

Nope, sorry.

You don't get to lie to your wife who has just had a brand new baby and then blame it on her that you had to lie because she is so hysterical.

Giving people lifts to and from work is not something you keep from your spouse.
"

sorry but is that what's happened? from my reading of it he just forgot to tell her and when she asked him why he was late he said traffic and the lift. " he did say traffic and the lift is on the way home he says". presumably this brought about a conversation which went what lift/ oh i thought i told you i was giving x a lift this week/no you didn't/oh i thought i did... and so forth.
I'd need clarification on this point. But on the face of it I'd say yabu he's not disrespecting you in anyway .

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 11:40

I'm with minx.

tanmu82 · 20/01/2010 11:41

I think YABABU - though admittedly I would probably want to know more about any woman sharing a car with my husband on a regular basis. If he started being more than the 10mins late necessary for the lift, then I'd start asking questions.
Resorting to petty stuff like not having his tea ready on purpose to 'punish' him is damaging behaviour. Why don't you invite this woman over for dinner one night and get to know her. If there is something for you to worry about, you'd have a better idea from meeting her....

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 11:42

I got a life with someone the other day because DH needed the car. He was probably 5 mins late home as he kindly dropped me at my door because it was raining. Is that so very bad?

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 11:42

lift not life. I have one of those already. Of sorts.

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