about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

[alfiesmadmother]

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

Tamarto - I would want absoulutly need to discuss this with my husband if he was spending 2 HOURS! a day on his own, in a car, with another woman that I did not know. And was going to have to leave home earlier and arrive home late. They are a family and have four children including a newborn!

Luckily for me my husband and I have huge respect for each other and talk about most of what goes on in our lives, not because we feel we have to but because we want to.

If it was the other way around and I was picking up a man from work I would of course discuss it with my husband first, not to ask permission but to see if he was comfortable with it, and if he was not there is no way I would do it.

@Sazisi

"Also, it's 10 minutes each way, so 140 minutes a week. "

You see, that's how I think

Except it's more like 100 minutes a week, presuming he doesn't work weekends.

But still, good point.

Am thinking the girl is a bit insensitive making demands on your husband atm.

lumpasmelly
Are you a 1950s housewife stuck in a timewarp? Or a hairy trucker having a laugh. I cannot believe your post is serious.

"Ask him to bear with your little foibles and stop doing the lifts, just for your peace of mind (and be VERY grateful). By approaching it in a non confrontational/angry way, and framing it as a sitation where you are the damsal in distress, and only he can save you from your insecurities, it should bring our the protector in him, and make him WANT to stop giving the girl lifts."

Are you kidding?

That's it littlemoomin, it's about respect for your partner, not "Oh I'm so modern I can do whatever I like blah blah"

But did he actually ever keep it a secret i.e. lie or not tell you on purpose and try to hide it? Or did he tell you when it came up voluntarily and claim he thought he'd told you or along the lines of "oh did i forget to tell you?"
Because that's not being secretive that's just either a) he did tell you and you didn't hear him/forgot, possible with stress of new baby or b) he'd intended to tell you but forgot to and then subsequently assumed he had, once again not impossible with all the work that comes with a newborn hat it could have slipped his mind.

did he lie though? or did he simply not mention it. because there is a difference. Not mentioning something does not IMO equal secrecy.

Or do people really expect their husbands to talk/discuss/ask their permission to do everything - are these men not entitled to be individuals who are allowed to make decisions without the permission of their wives?

OP, not sure if I think YABU or not, part of me thinks it's no big deal but then there's the slightly irrational part of me that would flip if it were my DH! Not because of the lift but because it wasn't mentioned.. However, you have just had a baby, maybe you are already being a little oversensitive in other areas and your DH said yes to the lift and then thought "oh shit, my DW is going to murder me" so stuck his head in the sand and hoped for the best!

I'm only saying this as I remember being VERY over sensitive when my DD2 was little and would have gone absolutley nuts if my DH had done the same.

I have also been in your DH's position of giving lifts/receiving lifts from male colleagues and can honestly say it was nothing more than a mode of transport to work, although I did always tell my DH as he NEVER reacts to anything like that in the way us women seem to.

Hope you get it sorted out with him, just tell your DH that YOU need him at home and not in the car for those 20mins, sometimes it needs to be put in plain and simple terms.

OP don't pander to him, I don't agree with that. You're upset, it's your car, you're his priority, or it's the bus. That's it

Assuming he hasn't been actively lying to you (I couldn't quite gather from your posts), I wouldn't worry about the lift; it's just hormones. But completely apart from that, if you have four children including a newborn baby he can get his own dinner and iron his own shirts, thereby reducing your overall stress levels.

"And he decided to tell me this morning when I said why the rush..via text and he texted back saying actually *** has asked for a lift."

So not secretive at all then. You asked and he volunteered the honest information immediately. It would have been secretive if he'd said "oh traffics meant to be bad/I've got a project in work I eed to get a jump on" and then you found out later from a 3rd party that he'd been lying or ommitting facts so as to deceive you and keep his secret.

I want Lumpasmelly to write a book on how to be a good wife - I think I could definitely learn a thing or two

OP yabu but understandably so .

Perhaps its just for a few days . . .

"Am thinking the girl is a bit insensitive making demands on your husband atm."

Ah now, come on. We can't blame the "girl" for any of this.

She asked a colleague for a lift. He said yes. She doesn't know that he's been lying to his wife about it.

She might not even know they have just had a baby. If she is young (as "girl" would imply) then she probably doesn't have a clue how much work a new baby is.

My dh used to work on a project where he spent up tp 8 hours day driving round testing equipment with just him and-scandal one other engineer who was female!!! She was in her 20s slim, long dark hair pretty ish (much like me at the time although I was prettier ).

I never questioned it, kicked off, or asked to meet her. I used to give a male friend a half hour lift to work most days and back again, he was singel young and v good looking. Neither of these people were relationship breakers and more's to the point why would it or should it make us feel uncomfortable?

If it does I feel there would be a trust issue and those of you who would stop it because it would make you "uncomfortable" are coming across as quite controlling.

I used to give a colleague a lift. She had my number and i hers in case she was ill or late or vice versa. You are being totally irrational but you're entitled 4 weeks after having a baby. But try to put it in perspective.

OP - the lifts thing is perfectly reasonable for him to do, but also, given you've got a wee one perfectly reasonable for you to begrudge, and then probably feel silly for begrudging.. and then even more annoyed etc etc

FWIW, my colleague knows I have a 2yr old and a 6 month old, and during the snow and consequent inevitable collapse of any decent rail provision offered to drive me home (about an hour drive) We live pretty much en route, but conicdentally it would have taken him 10min or so extra. I know he has a 3 year old, a 0ne year old and a working wife, and like us they are also juggling like mad and stretched for time. I said no to the lifts - my travel issues are not his problem!

Well I can see why he didn't mention anything. I had no idea the world was full of such jealous and suspicious women. Being hormonal, by the way, does not excuse unreasonable behaviour. Either you trust your husband or you don't.

junglist - doesn't respect go both ways? If DH told me he didn't want me giving a lift to a man I wouldn't feel very respected. In fact I'd be pretty insulted.

OP was today the first time you asked him about the rush in the morning/lateness in the evening?

Or has he been fobbing you off for the rest of the week?

skidoodle he didn't lie to her he omitted to tell her but did when she asked. that's not lying or being secretive.

Or is it just me that thinks that if you're in a trusting relationship then you shouldn't have to declare your every encounter with someone of the opposite sex. [hmmm]
Wed totally agree. skidaddl

well said northernlurker, this controlling behaviour gives women a bad name and perpetuates the "mad hormonal nutter* stereotype the less enlightened of our society ascribe to all women.

Well, the OP's dh can tell explain to the "girl" that things are rather hectic at home at the moment (understatement), and hopefully the girl will respect that.

Wondering why your dh has rushed off early in the morning when you could have dune with a hand is 'controlling behaviour'?!! What a load of BS

"Being hormonal, by the way, does not excuse unreasonable behaviour."

But it does for some on here,and the rule is when any pregnant or new mum asks "aibu for anything husband related regardless of how unreasonable I am actually being" yabu but understandably so/yabu but your allowed to be/ yadnbu you just gave birth/are preganant he should do whatever the fuck you want icluding not going to work or ta;lking to his boss because she makes you uncomfortable.

Of course but OP is really upset over it and her feelings should be considered above the needs of a work colleague, male or female. Though in all honesty if it was a man I wouldn't get that hyper. Just being honest