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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A weighty issue, sorry.

340 replies

namechangedwithgoodreason · 16/01/2010 00:14

I have namechanged, because I am quite sure I am going to get a pasting for this, but I have to get some opinions on this situation, so please be honest with me.

My mother is a very large lady. Her weight causes her alot of health problems (her Dr has stressed the importance of losing weight to her for years)
My DH's best mate is also a very large man, although no known health problems there.

I honestly don't give a monkeys arse if they eat too much and exercise too little, because they like to live that way. It does not bother me in the slightest. I have to stress this, before you all flame me.
I do object to my mother volunteering to tell me a whole load of lies about what she eats every day and then bemoans the fact she has not lost weight. (My brother still lives at home and sees the portions my mother eats, and his story is different. Also, when my mother was hospitalised for sleep apnea (sp), she lost alot of weight very very quickly.)

I have told my mother it is her business what she eats and when, I am not bothered, but she still feels a need to lie totell me in minute detail every last morsel she claims to have eaten every day.

What does worry me though, and this is where people will be most annoyed at me I think, is when DH best mate or my mother come to my house, or when I give either of them a lift anywhere.

My car is 4 years old and it groans when either of them get in it. (I have never had them both in it at the same time)
Neither of them can get the seat belt around themselves easily, and I always sit them in the front, but they spill over onto my handbrake a little.

I always find my car veers to the left after giving either of them a lift, and my tyre pressure is always 'down' afterwards.

In my house, neither will sit on my kitchen chairs, because one of the chairs collapsed on DH's mate one evening.

My sofa has been broken today by mother pushing on the arm to get herself up, and we both heard a loud crack.
This is the 2nd sofa my mother has broken.

My other brother lives with his DW and 3DC, and he has had chairs collapse, and we have both had toilet seats broken more times than we care to remember. My mother's 2 year old divan bed has now collapsed in the middle, and she is probably going to buy a iron framed bed and mattress.

I know you will probably all say I am being nasty, but what weight is the average sofa/car/kitchen table/bed designed for?

My DB thinks cars especially are designed to carry quite alot of weight.

My mother's car never groans, and she is convinced my car is probably ready for the knackers yard because of the noises it makes when she gets in.

Of course, I have not told my mother my car doesn't make noises like that all the time, nor have I mentioned that I think it is her weight that is causing her bed to collapse, or my sofa to break, but please please tell me, for my own peace of mind, how big would someone have to be before you were a little concerned about them being in your car or sitting on your sofa.

FWIW, DH best mate is proud to say he is 37st 4lb, and my mother says the last time she was weighed at the Dr, she was 26st 8lb.

Please share your thoughts with me, while I run and take cover hide

OP posts:
namechangedwithgoodreason · 16/01/2010 00:17

Forgot to say, if it is important, that Dh best mate is approx 5'10, while my mother is 5'3".

OP posts:
Mermaidspam · 16/01/2010 00:23

Well, I was reading your post think FFS until I got to the point about your m breaking your sofa. Then I thought, well, she might have a point if they're ruining her furniture/car/etc.

Then I read how much they both weigh.

I think most dining room chairs and things like that are made to be reasonably sturdy up to 18st. Sofas, cars I would say up to 22-23st ish without being too concerned.

For the record, I don't think you are being unreasonable and I'm not a small girl!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 00:23

Well. I think it's safe to say that when you start regularly breaking furniture, that's the time to lose a bit of weight.

Fruitysunshine · 16/01/2010 00:25

I think the fact your mother keeps reiterating to people how much/little she thinks she eats is probably some kind of justification to herself. Inside she is probably miserable about her weight but is unable to talk about it because she knows how unsympathetic the majority of people are to others who are heavily overweight.

I am also not sure about average weight bearing capacities of furniture and cars!

I am only guessing about your mother's thoughts based upon my own experience of being heavily overweight.

nickschick · 16/01/2010 00:29

Your mother is ill - and she is covering how much she eats or doesn't eat in a similar way that an anorexic does- both the people you mention are big by anybodies standards and I think that the government needs to help obesity as the serious issue it really is.

thelunar66 · 16/01/2010 00:32

You can find what is known as 'kerb' weight for your car in the handbook.. that is the total weight for your car and passengers that should not be exceeded.

Dunno about sofas though!

mummysgoingmad · 16/01/2010 00:37

YANBU - personally i find people who are that size physically and morally disgusting > its a combination of being lazy and greedy! i'm sorry i cant believe some people have the bare face cheeck to say i'm pre-disposed to this condition as its in my genes or its not my fault i'm this size, i dont eat that much..you know what i say to them.. eating a pizza the size of a fucking coffee table doesn't help does it!

sorry for the rant but its one of my bug bears!

what did she say when she broke your couch? I would tell her to pay for another 1 or have it fixed personally

tethersend · 16/01/2010 00:40

physically and morally disgusting?

jasper · 16/01/2010 00:40

I sympathise.

I worry about fat patients sitting on my dental chair after one massive bloke broke it.
It cost me £10,000 to replace it

mummysgoingmad · 16/01/2010 00:42

yip sorry if it offends it is only my opinion

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 00:42

jasper - really? fuck.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 16/01/2010 00:47

Jasper

Your mum and your mate are hugely overweight. This is likely to cause enormous health problems if it isn't already.

What does your mum say about her weight? She must be about breaking furniture. Would she be willing to go to WW or something similar if you offered to go along too for support?

I am a bit unsure of what you are asking though?

jasper · 16/01/2010 00:48

Yes Brahms, I am afraid it is true.
The one he broke was a great chair and I would have used it indefinitely - but quite old and could not be repaired

tethersend · 16/01/2010 00:54

mummysgoingmad, it doesn't offend me, it just makes me wonder who is more morally reprehensible to you; Robert Mugabe or Michelle McManus?

wukter · 16/01/2010 00:54

Mummysgoingmad- you are heartless. (Well, you did say). NOBODY chooses to be that heavily overweight. But when you are you can't deny it, and I can understand needing to justify to yourself and others.
OP, I don't know what you can do to help.
have you had a discussion about this? Could you, even? It's up to her.
What age is she?
My mother is quite overweight to the detriment of her health, also.

wukter · 16/01/2010 00:57

I really do think you should save your ire for worthier targets, mummysgoingmad.
Disgusting, indeed.

HellBent · 16/01/2010 01:04

YANBU about breaking furniture!

She has to be eating a serious amount of food to even maintain that weight!

The guy on half ton dad was 73stone and ate 28,000 calories every day, as soon as he was put on a restricted diet of 1200 calories he lost almost 200 pounds in 40 days.

26 stone is really big, the doctor must have given her some advice the last time she was there she is 62% bmi and must lose weight for her own sake. Maybe she needs scared into action, or she is mentioning her food intake to you so you can help?

MamaMimi · 16/01/2010 01:05

17 posts and no Anna yet?!

(just joking - )

Maleeka · 16/01/2010 01:55

To be honest, if i'm breaking furniture then its time to visit the docs and get some sort of surgery or seeing a dietician to see about losing the weight gradually.

I recently lost about 4 and a half stone, and although its a drop in the ocean when you are 37 stone, as the OP's friend is, it was still bloody hard work!

I understand about emotional eating cos i've been there, but the people who just eat and eat cos they love their grub only have themselves to blame imo. Sure it takes willpower but if you really want to lose it, then you will.

I had years of "bloody hell i hate my body", but it was only when i chose to lose it, that i found the willpower to do it.

It will get to a point where your health is more important than the family size pizza that you stuff in your face (done that too )

leclerc · 16/01/2010 02:29

it is really tough... sil has broken her bed and two sofas, and an armchair. she will discuss weight loss, and actually over the last year or two has had periods of real success.

she adores the dcs, and loves to play with them, but occasionally i find i have to fight to stay calm as some things make me really nervous - for example, she loves to get on the trampoline with the kids... apparently she was a big trampolinist/er (?) when she was younger and still has a real passion for it. i have three dcs and she thinks it is great fun to haul them all on with her and all bounce around. i am frankly terrified that one day the whole thing will collapse (the weight limit is exceeded by her alone, without the additional 3 dcs, the youngest of which is 6 lol).

i never know whether to say 'no'. it seems like such an awful thing to do, but i'm worried someone/ all of them will end up being hurt... she has longstanding issues with depression, and it's so nice to see her 'up' that i don't feel able to say anything in case of upset.

i had no idea that cars had a 'kerb weight'...

nancydrewrocks · 16/01/2010 06:12

wurkter of course people choose to be overweight - they make the choice everytime they eat another bar of chocolate/mountian of curry/bigmac and fries supersized.

They may prefer that they were not overweight but please don't pretend that it is something beyond their control, it is not.

OP I am not sure what exactly your point was though. Are you asking if you are being unreasonable about having your furniture broken? If so then you are not. Or is it something to do with speaking to them about their weight?

FWIW my mother is massively overweight and lies about how much she eats/weighs/what dress size she is. She also believes that it is not her fault she is overweight and fails to acknowledge that the vast majority of the adult female population have to exercise some sort of control over what they eat in order to stay at a healthy weight. Drives me mental.

Georgimama · 16/01/2010 06:20

I wouldn't let someone who weighed 26 stone on a trampoline with my children. Never mind the thing collapsing - she might hit into them. Seriously, I would reticent about getting on a trampoline with three young children, and although I am overweight I weigh just over half what your mother weighs.

Your mother needs help. Getting it for her is another matter as she would need to admit she needs it. I'm not a psych but in my experience as a PI lawyer I have found clients get marvellous results from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - must be done by a properly trained psych though and not a "counsellor" who has attended a one day course. My clients go for CBT for travel anxiety and find themselves able to address all sorts of other things as a by product of the techniques they learn, including weight. I quite fancy some myself actually.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 16/01/2010 06:45

Not sure what you're asking but if it's should you get "tougher" then yes, I think you should. However, the only person who can do something about this is your mother and she needs to admit the truth. Can you write down your concerns - seeing the facts in black and white might help. This isn't about going on a diet though, she needs to get to the bottom of the problem and I agree with Georgimama about therapy.

Leclerc, despite being an ex-trampolinist (albeit a crap one) no way would I get on the trampoline with my three kids and I am normal weight. It's downright dangerous. Can she "coach" them from the side? Sorry for the bossy aside there!

nighbynight · 16/01/2010 07:22

namechanged, it sounds as though your mother needs help. A combination of counselling and monitoring of her diet?
Or are there residential courses? It is difficult if she is in denial about having a problem.

RockBird · 16/01/2010 07:54

"yip sorry if it offends it is only my opinion"

That's supposed to excuse complete fuckwittery is it?