A weighty issue, sorry.

[namechangedwithgoodreason]

I have namechanged, because I am quite sure I am going to get a pasting for this, but I have to get some opinions on this situation, so please be honest with me.

My mother is a very large lady. Her weight causes her alot of health problems (her Dr has stressed the importance of losing weight to her for years)
My DH's best mate is also a very large man, although no known health problems there.

I honestly don't give a monkeys arse if they eat too much and exercise too little, because they like to live that way. It does not bother me in the slightest. I have to stress this, before you all flame me.
I do object to my mother volunteering to tell me a whole load of lies about what she eats every day and then bemoans the fact she has not lost weight. (My brother still lives at home and sees the portions my mother eats, and his story is different. Also, when my mother was hospitalised for sleep apnea (sp), she lost alot of weight very very quickly.)

I have told my mother it is her business what she eats and when, I am not bothered, but she still feels a need to lie totell me in minute detail every last morsel she claims to have eaten every day.

What does worry me though, and this is where people will be most annoyed at me I think, is when DH best mate or my mother come to my house, or when I give either of them a lift anywhere.

My car is 4 years old and it groans when either of them get in it. (I have never had them both in it at the same time)
Neither of them can get the seat belt around themselves easily, and I always sit them in the front, but they spill over onto my handbrake a little.

I always find my car veers to the left after giving either of them a lift, and my tyre pressure is always 'down' afterwards.

In my house, neither will sit on my kitchen chairs, because one of the chairs collapsed on DH's mate one evening.

My sofa has been broken today by mother pushing on the arm to get herself up, and we both heard a loud crack.
This is the 2nd sofa my mother has broken.

My other brother lives with his DW and 3DC, and he has had chairs collapse, and we have both had toilet seats broken more times than we care to remember. My mother's 2 year old divan bed has now collapsed in the middle, and she is probably going to buy a iron framed bed and mattress.

I know you will probably all say I am being nasty, but what weight is the average sofa/car/kitchen table/bed designed for?

My DB thinks cars especially are designed to carry quite alot of weight.

My mother's car never groans, and she is convinced my car is probably ready for the knackers yard because of the noises it makes when she gets in.

Of course, I have not told my mother my car doesn't make noises like that all the time, nor have I mentioned that I think it is her weight that is causing her bed to collapse, or my sofa to break, but please please tell me, for my own peace of mind, how big would someone have to be before you were a little concerned about them being in your car or sitting on your sofa.

FWIW, DH best mate is proud to say he is 37st 4lb, and my mother says the last time she was weighed at the Dr, she was 26st 8lb.

Please share your thoughts with me, while I run and take cover hide

SOrry lewis I hope that wasn't offensive.

In 2002,23% of adults were obese (Office of National Statistics). I sure as hell don't see a similar % of dangerously underwieght people out and about.

It's always churned out that one, along with society's 'pressures' on people to be thin.

I can't see that the 'pressure' is in any way effective.

no, not at all Orm... just agreeing

'greedy and lazy' are moral judgements. "eating too much" and "not moving enough" accomplish the same words while taking out the moral judgements and prejudice which are likely to hurt peoples feelings.

"eating too much and not moving enough" is behaviour and not a reflection on how someone feels inside.

Overeating to this extent and not moving enough are emotional issues and addictive. It is very difficult to control emotional overeating and indicates low self esteem and sometimes self hatred and denial.

I think it's really horrible and sad that people think it's ok to pick on the morbidly obese and shows a lack of empathy and understanding.

Laurie, whislt agreeing with your behaviour versus moral judgement point, how exactly are empathy and understanding meant to work?

Does one then just magically lose weight because people are being pleasant?

Where does the science-y bit (you know that underlooked aspect which states calories in have to be fewer than calories out) come into it?

moondog, nancy etc would you say the same things to/about people with anorexia?

I'm surprised at the ire reserved for the overweight by some posters TBH.

Royal College of Psychiatrists suggests between 1-1.5% of women have eating disorders such as anorexia.

Speaks volumes.

simply put - group therapy and individual therapy help anorexics, overeaters and people with addiction recover and learn to cope with their disorder.

When you're in the grip of an eating disorder thinking about science doesn't help much.

Orm the point surely is that you start when you get to 10 stone overweight, or 7 stone, or three.

I understand that it must seem like a insurmountable task when you are 15 stone overweight but christ how does it get to that point before you start thinking about it?

much like an anorexic can get to 5 stone an death's door before "thinking about it"

and I meant

Because that's how addiction works - every individual has their low point/breaking point.

Sadly some die of their addictions before getting there.

All of these disorders are a form of self-harm.

Why heap abuse on someone who already self-harms to the point of their own death

In some cases it is a suicidal act.

"...how does it get to that point before you start thinking about it?'

I think once someone gets to, say 18st, they feel 'written off' and it ceases to matter whether they are 18st or 24st- society sees them in the same way. Fat. With this level of negativity, it is hard to take pride in appearance and find the motivation to lose weight.

Plus, is there any woman, no matter how much she weighs, who doesn't think about their weight, nancydrewrocks?

Some people have no understanding of the pain they cause with their ill thought out assumptions, and sickening generalisations.

To hear someone refer to me as physically and morally disgusting, is heartbreaking.

I know I'm fat, morbidly obese to be precise. I look in the mirror every day and tell myself how disgusting I am. I hate myself, I hate that I can't walk 50meters without being in agonising pain. Some days I feel it would just be better if I died.

My DP loves me, and is now helping me on my long journey to lose the weight (starting Monday actually) he is a normal healthy weight (although his trousers are a little snug since christmas) our 3 children are beautifully healthy in every way. I'm lucky.

I have hidden food, lied about what I have eaten, lied to the Dr, loved ones, and mostly myself.

I don't go out because people laugh and point at me. They shout abuse sometimes. I would never go out in the evening because I know I'm a disgusting ugly pig, or at least thats is how other people make me feel.

I'm not lazy, I have 3 children under 5, I'm a full time Uni student, and I help run a voluntary youth club. Yet still I am viewed as an unworthy human.

Why is it only fat people who are viewed with this evil hate.

I can barely type this as I'm crying so much. So well done ladies, good job, keep up the good work. Your honesty, that you some how believe you should be congratulated for has ruined someones day.

But hey, ho I'm fat so I probably deserve to be crying.

Sometihng that I think I would like to emphasise here is that I don't think it is anything to do with society, empathy or frankly anything or anyone except the individual involved.

The obese person knows they are obese, no matter how they may try and pretend that they don't eat that much / it is because of their hormones etc etc and they also know how it is affecting them, and that they need to do something.

It doesn't really matter that much what anyone else says or does - they will only lose weight when they decide that they really want to.

And I say this as a very overweight Mner who has slowly put on weight over 15 years and then 2 years ago for no obvious reason I just decided to do something about it, so I did. For a year I made a big effort and lost weight, and I didn't say anything to anyone just got on with it, and frankly I didn't find it too hard because it was what i wanted to do, so I did it.

The point is, that all the things people had said to me over the years either being cruel or trying to be helpful and caring made no difference whatsoever, until I decided to do it for myself and in my own way.

This isn't particularly helpful to the op or anyone else I am afraid but nobody can understand what has caused someone to get to this state and how they are feeling, and you really can't make them change. You can be encouraging if they ask for help or support but that is probably about as much as you can do.

Nickschick - you said that you think the government needs to help obesity as the serious issue that it really is. Can I ask what you think the government should be doing ?

DPIR

Oh and I weigh over 25 stone, just incese you were wondering.

So come on, tell me what you think of me, how disgusting I am.

Not at all... I'm 22/23st I think (haven't weighed myself for a while - too scared to know for sure)

Sassy - the government should be putting more help out there.

My Dr made it clear to me that yes I can get councelling, but I am the bottom of the pecking order for help so will have to wait several months. He laughed and said now if you were in need of help for under eating you would be seen within 3-6 weeks.

Lewis DP has headed off to town to get new scales so I can start my diet Monday with all the knowledge I need.

oh well done - see, you're braver than me! (I have scales, just don't use them!)

DPIR - I am sure that no-one wants to offend you, but for me when i see someone with a serious weight problem (be it very fat or very thin) I cannot help but think how unhealthy/how undesirable/how unnatural. That said I do feel sympathy for the person. One lady I often see in the supermarket must weigh about 5 stone and I actually feel sick when i look at her. She looks vile. What she has done/is doing to herself is utterly tragic. Seriously overweight people fall into the same category. They are killing themselves/limiting their lifestyles and opportunities. That is repulsive to most right thinking people.

I wish you the very best with your weight loss and very much hope that you are successful.

DontPanic, don't be upset!

moondog, have you lost a large amount of weight before?