A weighty issue, sorry.

[namechangedwithgoodreason]

I have namechanged, because I am quite sure I am going to get a pasting for this, but I have to get some opinions on this situation, so please be honest with me.

My mother is a very large lady. Her weight causes her alot of health problems (her Dr has stressed the importance of losing weight to her for years)
My DH's best mate is also a very large man, although no known health problems there.

I honestly don't give a monkeys arse if they eat too much and exercise too little, because they like to live that way. It does not bother me in the slightest. I have to stress this, before you all flame me.
I do object to my mother volunteering to tell me a whole load of lies about what she eats every day and then bemoans the fact she has not lost weight. (My brother still lives at home and sees the portions my mother eats, and his story is different. Also, when my mother was hospitalised for sleep apnea (sp), she lost alot of weight very very quickly.)

I have told my mother it is her business what she eats and when, I am not bothered, but she still feels a need to lie totell me in minute detail every last morsel she claims to have eaten every day.

What does worry me though, and this is where people will be most annoyed at me I think, is when DH best mate or my mother come to my house, or when I give either of them a lift anywhere.

My car is 4 years old and it groans when either of them get in it. (I have never had them both in it at the same time)
Neither of them can get the seat belt around themselves easily, and I always sit them in the front, but they spill over onto my handbrake a little.

I always find my car veers to the left after giving either of them a lift, and my tyre pressure is always 'down' afterwards.

In my house, neither will sit on my kitchen chairs, because one of the chairs collapsed on DH's mate one evening.

My sofa has been broken today by mother pushing on the arm to get herself up, and we both heard a loud crack.
This is the 2nd sofa my mother has broken.

My other brother lives with his DW and 3DC, and he has had chairs collapse, and we have both had toilet seats broken more times than we care to remember. My mother's 2 year old divan bed has now collapsed in the middle, and she is probably going to buy a iron framed bed and mattress.

I know you will probably all say I am being nasty, but what weight is the average sofa/car/kitchen table/bed designed for?

My DB thinks cars especially are designed to carry quite alot of weight.

My mother's car never groans, and she is convinced my car is probably ready for the knackers yard because of the noises it makes when she gets in.

Of course, I have not told my mother my car doesn't make noises like that all the time, nor have I mentioned that I think it is her weight that is causing her bed to collapse, or my sofa to break, but please please tell me, for my own peace of mind, how big would someone have to be before you were a little concerned about them being in your car or sitting on your sofa.

FWIW, DH best mate is proud to say he is 37st 4lb, and my mother says the last time she was weighed at the Dr, she was 26st 8lb.

Please share your thoughts with me, while I run and take cover hide

What I don't understand is that when people are really thin everyone is happy to assume that they have a problem and are usually really sympathetic - however when people are fat that assumption is gone out the window.

If a person overeats to the extent of making themselves morbidly obese there is obviously a problem at some level, be it metabolic, low self-esteem. Calling them fat and lazy does not help and in fact exacerbates the problem by making people feel worse about themselves.

The emphasis should not be on weight loss but on living a healthy lifestyle and letting your weight take care of itself.

Obesity is often a symptom of a psychological problem. If you just treat the obesity - calories in v. calories out, then the sufferer will get obese again, unless that underlying problem is dealt with.

DontPanic - a really good friend of mine had a similar amount of weight to lose. She found it impossible until she joined a support group (first of all online and then afterwards, once she's shed a whopping 12 stone, she joined WW to lose the last 4 stone). She found it totally invaluable - the support from friends who understood what she was going through, the sense of someone witnessing your achievement when you shed another few pounds - she still maintains she couldn't have done it on her own. Just a thought....

TheBoss -- Thank you for your suggestion. It is something I have thought about, especially as I work well within a group. I have a slimming world close to me and shall be attempting to walk there this week

tethersend my view is that most people do think about their weight: how they look and the impact on their health lifestyle and families.

What I find curious is the suggestion that people don't think about it because they are in the grip of an eating disorder.

I find the suggestion that all woman who are overweight are so because they have a psychological problem. When did we lose such a grip on reality that there is no sense of personal responsibility?

I am not an expert so of course I cannot (and have not tried) to speak as one but as someone who has carried a few extra pounds at various points in my life I could blame it on any number of shit things that have happened but I can admit that it actually is because at those points in my life I like crips for dinner and hate the gym. Please don't try and suggest that I am the only woman in the world who sometimes lacks self control whilst everyone else is in the grip of a psychological disorder.

Sassy I think that an obese person doesnt just get obese overnight its a long road and on that road I believe there should be active intervention, a doctor supporting someone who is depressed supports them not only through drugs through counselling through therapies and an obese person needs that same support butmuch earlier,I think that encouraging people to take stock of their situations maybe offering dietary advice,groups for 'over eaters' etc etc,counselling and therapy and yes I do think that the NHS should fund excercise for people and in some cases dietary supplements to help initial weightloss.

Being a bigger person doesnt come easily or cheaply and it shouldnt be such a taboo if we as a society addressed it before it became morbid then we could limit the amount of knee ops etc we have to do.

I think the poster above gets it right when she says its not all about weight loss its about a healthy fulfilled happylifestyle.

Im saddened by the price of weight groups and gym memberships - to that cost only people who can afford it can have it and everyone needs support to take such a step.

Aligryls, the same applies to any addiction, drug, alcohol etc... any addictions!

Its what people deem at normal behaviour its a circle of battles, which some people cannot "connect" with, and also media and medical stances on the specific addictions.

We never really hear any "bad" about the size zero health implications, only that is a fashion stance, but we always hear about the health implications for the overweight and the cost to the NHS etc...

Its absurd x

'When you're in the grip of an eating disorder thinking about science doesn't help much.'

The only weay to deal with this at a systemic level is in fact to apply science.

Half baked 'theories' don't help anyone.Heavens, there are enough of 'em floating about and it still gets worse and worse and worse.

No wasting. I've been heftier in my younger days (too much beer as a student mostly) but never fat.

nancy if I had a few extra pounds to lose, they'd be gone. It's the few extra stones that are hard work.

Actually I have never liked crips for dinner but I am quite partial to crisps

I just read about someone above who has about 15 stone to lose I think if you look at it in bitesize bits and address it half a stone at a time thats 30 ticks on your calender and its met - you can do it and each marker marks success.

moondog, you just seem so sure that it's simple, that I was assuming you'd actually experienced losing lots of weight being simple, iyswim.

Wasting, I could easily be huge.I love food, I love wine, I love cooking.

I'm not because I choose to control my intake of food. Simple as that.

We do ourselves a disservice and actually keep peopel fat by perpetuating myth it is all result of complex psychological problems that need ot be unravelled with yearss of expensive therapy and whathaveyou..Here's a prospect:lose some weight and ^then, just then, you might start feleing better about yoursefl.

"tethersend my view is that most people do think about their weight: how they look and the impact on their health lifestyle and families.

What I find curious is the suggestion that people don't think about it because they are in the grip of an eating disorder."

I'm confused, nancydrewrocks... previously you said "I understand that it must seem like a insurmountable task when you are 15 stone overweight but christ how does it get to that point before you start thinking about it?", implying that you think people who are overweight don't think about it. The suggestion you find curious was yours.

People who are overweight spend most of the time thinking about their weight and its implications IME.

"Please don't try and suggest that I am the only woman in the world who sometimes lacks self control whilst everyone else is in the grip of a psychological disorder."

Err... I didn't. Unless that was directed to someone else?

Wastingaway In that case why didn't you? Everyone has to be a few pounds overweight before they are a few stone.

Do you believe you have a psychological problem - I am not trying to be flippant or nasty I am just intrigued by the seemingly female tendancy to blame emotional disorders/unhapiness etc where as most men I know who are overweight simply state that they like beer and curry.

Very true,Nancy, the men versus women thing.

Don'tPanic - we can be an online support group for you as well - start a thread somewhere to keep us posted if you want! Happy to cheer you on, and to give you support when you need it - you are about to start doing something amazing and wonderful! Best of luck x

littlemisshappy what on earth do you mean that we do not hear about the health implication of size 0? The media is full of how dreadful it is: the likelihood of heart failure the havoc it plays on yor menstrual cycle/hair/nails etc.

I think if you are very overweight, then it must be a psychological issue (am no expert). Everyone knows how bad it is for you to be morbidly obese, and the abuse people get for being fat is pretty significant. So why wouldn't you 'just lose weight'? Of course it is physiologically quite easy - your body doesn't want to be 37 stone. But psychological issues overrule that. If, deep down, you know you're damaging yourself and yet you carry on, then how is that not a psychological problem?

To me, it doesn't sound that different from anorexia or bulimia - the denial of it being a problem, regardless of the actual damage you are doing. I think it is very difficult for most people to see food as simply fuel; it almost always has emotion attached to it in some way. You can't avoid food altogether the way you can avoid alcohol and cigarettes, which makes it a lot harder as it will always be part of your life. The way people try to help someone lose weight is often counterproductive because of this emotional attachment with food - the more someone tries to stop you having it the more you want it, the same as with anorexia the more people want you to eat the bigger kick you get out of refusing because it has become a battle of wills.

Funnily enough moondog, I have lost weight, years ago. And I didn't feel that much better.
I maintained a healthy weight for a couple of years, but did all sorts of other reckless things instead of overeating, and in the end I put the weight back on.

Yes. I was a few pounds overweight when I was 8 years old. And Mum made me drink Onecal and not have biscuits. Didn't work. etc. etc.
Do I think I have psychological issues surrounding food and weight? I know I do.

eating yourself to death is an eating disorder in the same way that anorexia is.

Those who are disgusted by people who are 25, 30 30+ stone - are you disgusted by anorexics who are hospitalised at 4stone because despite the fact that they are going to die, they cannot eat?

Do they disgust you? Do you feel that for them, it is their own choice and their own fault if they die because they choose to not eat?

Or do you understand that yes, although they refuse food, it is because they are in the grip of a psychological disorder, a mental health problem if you will, and this so called 'choice' - the choice to not eat and to die, is in fact not a choice at all.

If you do understand that, then understand this -

Nobody eats themselves to 30 or 40 stone because they are greedy. Nobody carries on eating until their heart gives out because they like food. These people hate food. They hate the power and control it has over them. These people have been told that they are going to die if they don't stop eating - just as anorexics are told they will die if they don't start eating.

Both are told, time and time again, that their abuse of food and their bodies will kill them. But they are often unable to stop what they are doing. Many do in fact die.

So be disgusted, if that's the type of person you are. But understand exactly what it is that you are disgusted by.

You are disgusted by a human being in the grip of an eating disorder who may very well die because of it.