A weighty issue, sorry.

[namechangedwithgoodreason]

I have namechanged, because I am quite sure I am going to get a pasting for this, but I have to get some opinions on this situation, so please be honest with me.

My mother is a very large lady. Her weight causes her alot of health problems (her Dr has stressed the importance of losing weight to her for years)
My DH's best mate is also a very large man, although no known health problems there.

I honestly don't give a monkeys arse if they eat too much and exercise too little, because they like to live that way. It does not bother me in the slightest. I have to stress this, before you all flame me.
I do object to my mother volunteering to tell me a whole load of lies about what she eats every day and then bemoans the fact she has not lost weight. (My brother still lives at home and sees the portions my mother eats, and his story is different. Also, when my mother was hospitalised for sleep apnea (sp), she lost alot of weight very very quickly.)

I have told my mother it is her business what she eats and when, I am not bothered, but she still feels a need to lie totell me in minute detail every last morsel she claims to have eaten every day.

What does worry me though, and this is where people will be most annoyed at me I think, is when DH best mate or my mother come to my house, or when I give either of them a lift anywhere.

My car is 4 years old and it groans when either of them get in it. (I have never had them both in it at the same time)
Neither of them can get the seat belt around themselves easily, and I always sit them in the front, but they spill over onto my handbrake a little.

I always find my car veers to the left after giving either of them a lift, and my tyre pressure is always 'down' afterwards.

In my house, neither will sit on my kitchen chairs, because one of the chairs collapsed on DH's mate one evening.

My sofa has been broken today by mother pushing on the arm to get herself up, and we both heard a loud crack.
This is the 2nd sofa my mother has broken.

My other brother lives with his DW and 3DC, and he has had chairs collapse, and we have both had toilet seats broken more times than we care to remember. My mother's 2 year old divan bed has now collapsed in the middle, and she is probably going to buy a iron framed bed and mattress.

I know you will probably all say I am being nasty, but what weight is the average sofa/car/kitchen table/bed designed for?

My DB thinks cars especially are designed to carry quite alot of weight.

My mother's car never groans, and she is convinced my car is probably ready for the knackers yard because of the noises it makes when she gets in.

Of course, I have not told my mother my car doesn't make noises like that all the time, nor have I mentioned that I think it is her weight that is causing her bed to collapse, or my sofa to break, but please please tell me, for my own peace of mind, how big would someone have to be before you were a little concerned about them being in your car or sitting on your sofa.

FWIW, DH best mate is proud to say he is 37st 4lb, and my mother says the last time she was weighed at the Dr, she was 26st 8lb.

Please share your thoughts with me, while I run and take cover hide

I was your mother 2 years ago. I weighed 26stone and 4lbs and I'm 5'0" tall.

I was embarassed by my appearance and weight and used to say the same things.. oh I only ate such and such today.. because I felt ashamed and I could feel those judgy eyes on me. However, the shame and misery caused me to eat more to comfort myself and it was a vicious cycle.. the bigger I got, the more miserable I got and the more I ate to comfort myself the bigger I got and so on and so forth.

Your mum does need help but she has to hit her rock bottom - like an alcoholic I suppose, for me that came when I realised I could barely clean my own arse anymore.

I had bariatric surgery and I'm now 13 stone lighter, but in my head I'm still that 26 stone monster.

I would however think that she's too big now to maintain any kind of weight loss long term and when she's ready perhaps you could suggest she see her gp as a first port of call to seek a referral for weight loss surgery.

The same probably applies to your friend's husband too, it's miserable being that fat - and we know we're fat, we don't need people to remind us of that. We know we're too big to sit on certain chairs etc and we feel shitty enough about it without having and pointed remarks aimed at us.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant and I don't think I even answered your post correctly and

Be kind and gentle in your approach,

What a vile post, mummysgoingmad

I bet you have been waiting ages for a thread to come up where you would feel at liberty to spout that load of worthless, offensive crap. Do you feel better now?

OP - yanbu, you need to have boundaries around your possessions or you are going toget very resentful about things being broken.

It's a horrible position to be in as you have no way of controlling what your mother or friend eat, or what they do about it - but as with any addiction or psychological issue you do not have to enable, and that means you are perfectly justified in protecting yourself, your possessions and your safety whether or not it inconveniences these people who you care about.

It may not be within their control to adjust their weight at the moment, and might never be, but you don't have to allow it to impact on your life in a negative way.

You can be very nice about it but just explain that your car has a weight limit, or alternatively avoid the situation which may just get the point across, or you mightnot need to get it across as long as you don't feel youre going to have to fork out for a new car or sofa every few months. Being diplomatic and kind is everything.

Good luck.

mummysgoingmad Ignorant, ill-informed, shallow, insensitive, judgemental, inflammatory and unkind are just some of the words I would use to describe your post. Perhaps they would be more descriptive of you as a person?

You are clearly not somebody of the medical profession because if you were then you would have all the full medical facts at your disposal and would be able to make well-informed, considered responses to a serious discussion such as this.

Prejudice stems from attitudes such as yours and it makes the reality of somebody's situation worse when they know that people such as you have such nasty thoughts about them.

For the record, I am one of those people you refer to weighing in at 20st. I am now 3 weeks away from a gastric band to help me reduce my weight. I don't have to justify my weight gain to anybody except myself but I will say that right up until I was 19 I was fit and trim, running regularly and eating only for fuel. It is true for me that 3 pregnancies have taken their toll on my body and has left me with an extremely negative body image in my mind with no self-esteem.

If it was easy to lose weight then nobody would be fat. Look at all these support services and clubs that have sprung up trying to help people lose weight. I, myself have spent 10 years trying to lose weight via weight watchers, rosemary conley, lighterlife, pig to twig, atkins diet, slimming pills and every other fad in between. That took effort, for me and my family having to support me through it. What about my husband's patience at our lack of sex life? What about my children's pain at not being able to do things with their mum like I used to? Swimming? parks? beach activities? The upset I feel is beyond understanding. That in itself has not been enough for me to successfully lose weight and keep it off.

The reason why? Because it is not the fact I am putting things in my mouth, it is the reason WHY I have. That is where the problem lies, as it does with the majority of people overweight to this extent.

I have a feeling that I could write for ages on here and you would still hold your belief about disgusting and immoral people.

I believe in the family unit, in communities working together for their benefit, in helping people less able, in supporting worthwhile causes (I fund raise regularly for macmillan), keeping my children clean, well fed and healthy (none of them are fat btw), have no criminal record, run my own business and pay all my taxes.

Which part of me is it that you find physically and morally disgusting? The flabby tummy that carried three children or the fact I support my own family and contribute to our community for the benefit of others?

I find people like you are part of the problem, not the solution. You compound others pain by telling them what bad people they are.

Physically and morally disgusting, indeed.

FruitySunchine I heart you! I hope everything goes well with your gastric bypass! I think you are actually inspiring! I am overweight, although less possibly than you are and the only thing that is saddening me in my life is the "looks" of pity I can see in some peoples eyes.

""The reason why? Because it is not the fact I am putting things in my mouth, it is the reason WHY I have. That is where the problem lies, as it does with the majority of people overweight to this extent."" I could not agree more but all what people seem to be interested in is judging the "crust" with total disregard for the inside.

OP I do not really have an advice, whatever you tell her, encourage her to do, be with her every steo of the way, not to check on her but to make sure she keeps motivated, nothing is going to happen overnight.

Oh and BTW to answer your question, I do not think I would be worried about my fourniture really at any point but I would be concerned for her. If you put it across that you are worried for you fourniture rather than her when you decide to have a discussion with her (if you do) she is not likely to take things too well IMHO.

tbh if your mum is breaking your furniture then she is dev over weight, but you know this from her weight - and she needs help to tackle it

could you go to her gp with her?

yes, larger people do sometimes lie about what they eat, my friend is the same, she is a good size 26/28yet she says she eats 3 meals a day and doesnt snack - but its her portion size, her portion would feed 3/4people and then she has a mouthfoul of kids dinner, or a few crisps

if when in your car, if they are spilling over the handbreak, they are prob over the gears as well, unless an automatic and this can be dangerous

what do your siblings think of this problem and what do they want to do?

out of curiosty what does the dw/oh/gf think of dh bf? is he with anyone, are they worried about health problems?

being 37 sone is seriously over weight

It is inevitable that mummysgoingmad is going to get a flaming for her comments - tis always the way - happens when people don't like hearing the uncomfortable truth.

Saying someone who is overwight is "morally disgusting" is crossing the line but the truth is being overweight does, more often than not, stem from being greedy and lazy, whether that means too lazy to get up and exercise of too lazy to seek the help you need.

It always amazes me that people can be torn to shreds on MN for the most mundane behaviour but if your a morbidly obese- something that is likely to not only wreck your life but that of your children - anyone who says that is a heartless selfish bitch.

i don't think you are being unreasonable for worrying about your things- I couldn't afford to replace my settee/ car/ chairs/ loo seats etc.

It's obvious you really care about your mum and it can be SO fustrating when it appears she is lying etc. It really sounds like she needs help.

Does she really understand how dangerous this is? Has someone had a life or death chat with her from the family (not just medical professionals)

Can she not drive instead (as it doesn't seem safe for you to)? What would she think to doing excersize? Perhaps getting her to buy a trampoline?

Nancydrew, I'm afraid you are showing yourself to be really bigoted on this issue and also ignorant.

Please go and read about stuff and educate yourself before you reel off this kind of nonsense. It's very nasty to see and makes me wonder whether you have a personal grudge against a fat person in your life, or why else it would upset you so very much that fat people exist.

...and I don't recall anyone ever being flamed on here for exposing an 'uncomfortable truth'...only for being offensive and highly prejudiced.

You are not being clever and cutting edge, you are being horrible, and it's in no way justifiable.

TSC that's really sad.

I am heartened though that you don't appear to consider all obese people to be selfish bastards though.

'Fat people are not bad people'

some of them are bound to be awful, as are some of the thin ones...

I have food issues too, and can see where you are coming from

Your mother has an eating disorder and is in denial. You could talk to her about that...maybe visit a support site like somethingfishy.com to get some insight and support for yourself.

If someone wanted me to drive a car whilst simultaneously restricting the use of some essential equipment, eg the hand brake - or if their weight exceeded the safe limit for the car - then I would refuse. No one should expect another person to do that.

And if my family members were constantly breaking the furniture in my house, I would either visit them or get a chair they could sit in safely and ask them to use it, for their safety and my own bank balance.

As a former ED sufferer (anorexia) I can tell you that helping to deny or diminish their problem is ENABLING behaviour and is very unhelpful to them.

Exactly TPL I'm also an ex AN sufferer..

if someone was drinking enough to cause your possessions to be broken, you would be doing them no favours by allowing them to continue doing it.

Same applies here imo - slightly different problem but the way you handle it has to be quite similar.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I don't understand why you sound so apologetic in your OP. Maybe there's something on MN about etiquette relating to posts about weight that I don't know about. Anyway, I'm not sure what you're asking - but yes, to state the obvious your mother and the other guy are unhealthily fat and need to lose weight.

Flightattendant I certainly am not upset by the existence of fat people, neither have I said that so please do not put words in my mouth.

I don't have a problem with fat people although if asked to express an opinion then I would say fat is less attractive than slim. That is not to say that fat cannot be attractive, but as a rule most people look better when they are a healthy weight.

What I do have a problem is people who fail to acknowledge that their problems have anything to do with themselves and obese people who believe that there weight is not their fault fall into this category.

There is also nothing "cutting edge" about suggesting morbid obesity usually stems from being greedy and lazy. If you are 26 stone you know you have a problem so do something about it - if you can't be bothered to help yourself then you are lazy.

If you believe the above is me being bigotted and ignorant why don't you educate me. Explain to me what is wrong with that statement.

I'm with mummy and Nancy.

It's time to stop the madness.
Being the size of a small car is not ok, never was ok and never will be ok.

You are a strain on your family, the health service and an everyday reminder of your lack of self-control.

Get a grip.

nancydrewrocks, obese people know they shouldn't eat as much as they do and should exercise more, but that doesn't mean that it's that easy. People know they shouldn't smoke/drink too much or take drugs. However some people have addictions/patterns of behaviour which for all sort of psychological, physical and societal reasons are difficult to break out of. Simply attributing obesity to laziness and greed is far too simplistic IMO.

Hey mummysgoingmad - You are a heartless cow.

I think that it's sad that anyone allows themselves to get to that state but "personally i find people who are that size physically and morally disgusting" is totally unacceptable POV. OPs family members need help to lose weight not offensive opinions.

OP perhaps pointing out the kerb weight of you car isn't meant for their sort of weight might help them to see that it isn't OK or normal to be that big and they need to do something about it. Their health is being seriously comprised.

YANBU. at them breaking your furniture with their fat arses! Minging.

No. it's not
It is easier for us all to blame external forces rather than be brutally honest and take on responsibility for what we do.

Never forget, a multi billion pound industry exists which is dependent on the perpetuated perception that if only you had better self-esteem, a more supportive family, happier childhood, you would not have a big arse.

Books, workshops, motivational speakers, supplements, doctors, dieticians.

Taking control of your own destiny costs nowt so naturally, nonoe will tout this as a solution.l

Why are anorexia nervosa and bulimia noted and respected to be eating disorders that require medical input, emotional and psychological support and therapies, but over-eating "usually stems from being greedy and lazy" ?

Being this overweight is not SIMPLY laziness (and yes, I am morbidly overweight) a lot of the time and may well need as much support and help as someone who UNDER eats.

It CAN be a psychological and emotional issue just as much as the under-eating disorders and I am so utterly sick of the inequality in services and attitudes.

Do anorexics and bulimics simply need to "just get over themselves and eat something"? I think not.

Nor do fat people simply need to move more and put in less. Yes, that is ultimately what needs to happen but to get to that point, much like getting an anorexic to eat another bite, they need counselling and psychiatric help.

I believe that when people are SO overweight (and I don't mean someone who used to be size 8 being size 12 now), that there is far more going on than just being lazy.

But god! If you have 15 stone to lose where the fuck do you start? I can see completely why it seems impossible to change. Not just difficult but impossible.

Orm, I have around that to lose... it ain't easy to comprehend, that's for sure!