A weighty issue, sorry.

[namechangedwithgoodreason]

I have namechanged, because I am quite sure I am going to get a pasting for this, but I have to get some opinions on this situation, so please be honest with me.

My mother is a very large lady. Her weight causes her alot of health problems (her Dr has stressed the importance of losing weight to her for years)
My DH's best mate is also a very large man, although no known health problems there.

I honestly don't give a monkeys arse if they eat too much and exercise too little, because they like to live that way. It does not bother me in the slightest. I have to stress this, before you all flame me.
I do object to my mother volunteering to tell me a whole load of lies about what she eats every day and then bemoans the fact she has not lost weight. (My brother still lives at home and sees the portions my mother eats, and his story is different. Also, when my mother was hospitalised for sleep apnea (sp), she lost alot of weight very very quickly.)

I have told my mother it is her business what she eats and when, I am not bothered, but she still feels a need to lie totell me in minute detail every last morsel she claims to have eaten every day.

What does worry me though, and this is where people will be most annoyed at me I think, is when DH best mate or my mother come to my house, or when I give either of them a lift anywhere.

My car is 4 years old and it groans when either of them get in it. (I have never had them both in it at the same time)
Neither of them can get the seat belt around themselves easily, and I always sit them in the front, but they spill over onto my handbrake a little.

I always find my car veers to the left after giving either of them a lift, and my tyre pressure is always 'down' afterwards.

In my house, neither will sit on my kitchen chairs, because one of the chairs collapsed on DH's mate one evening.

My sofa has been broken today by mother pushing on the arm to get herself up, and we both heard a loud crack.
This is the 2nd sofa my mother has broken.

My other brother lives with his DW and 3DC, and he has had chairs collapse, and we have both had toilet seats broken more times than we care to remember. My mother's 2 year old divan bed has now collapsed in the middle, and she is probably going to buy a iron framed bed and mattress.

I know you will probably all say I am being nasty, but what weight is the average sofa/car/kitchen table/bed designed for?

My DB thinks cars especially are designed to carry quite alot of weight.

My mother's car never groans, and she is convinced my car is probably ready for the knackers yard because of the noises it makes when she gets in.

Of course, I have not told my mother my car doesn't make noises like that all the time, nor have I mentioned that I think it is her weight that is causing her bed to collapse, or my sofa to break, but please please tell me, for my own peace of mind, how big would someone have to be before you were a little concerned about them being in your car or sitting on your sofa.

FWIW, DH best mate is proud to say he is 37st 4lb, and my mother says the last time she was weighed at the Dr, she was 26st 8lb.

Please share your thoughts with me, while I run and take cover hide

I'm so shocked at some of the feelings expressed on this thread - how can anyone be so idiotic to make snap judgements of someone based on their size? I've never been fat, but I have been bone-thin (so thin that I had to hold size 6 trousers up with safety-pins), and I hated the fact that people made judgements about me based on that.

Yes it was a problem, yes I did something about it, but it was made so much harder by people making stupid comments about wanting to look like models, about chasing size zero, without ever thinking about what it was that was causing me to control food in such an obsessional way. The more people judged, the more I spiralled down into needing to keep that control in place. Judging the overweight is not helping them, it is merely reinforcing the very feelings that might have caused those problems in the first place. Where is the compassion from the posters who are disgusted by the obese? What a terrible character trait it is to lack any sense of empathy and understanding....

FruitySunshine, there's a great group for people who've had/are intending to have weight loss surgery in Woking. The next one is 6th Feb but they have it monthly, if you're interested let me know and I'll give you the details

My Dad broke my car suwpension (many years agopand only an oldmini) through his weight, I nevertoldhim though, I love him more than that- he knows he is fat.

But when I go back through dad's history it is clear why; 16 kids, disabled mother and alcoholic dad-
Dad was lucky to get anything to eat, usually it was bread and jam, sometimes hedgehog or poached salmon (in the stolen sense of poached obv,we are not talking occasional outbreaks of MC here). It'sclear how his appetites wereformed.

I often think a bit of CBT would have helped massively.

It's very hard towatch someone you know get big- Dad's weight hasn't risen in years so at least he has settled at his 17st weight (with bp issues but he does have non related health issues aswell that compound it due to difficulty in exercising.

It's very ahrd to know what to adise;bropken furniture is a PITA but our parents are our aprents and we are lucky tos till have them.

Oh and mummusgoingmad I think you are pretty morally rotten in your judgementalism but as you say YY, just my opinion.)

MGM, are you enjoying the attention? Couldn't you have started your own thread to say that rather than doing something guaranteed to derail the OP's request for advice and help?

OP, if you can bear to return to this thread, I can see your problem: the way your mother lies about her food intake to you must seem like being drawn into her self-deception.

I think you could very gently mention the car and furniture (ie to the effect that her weight is now a practical problem for you all, but in kinder words), together with buying a sturdy chair especially for your mother, so along with the doubtless distressing information she will be able to see you are looking after her and taking steps to help.

Otherwise I also think you could ask her not to go over what she eats with you. Possibly, doing that is an outlet for her which may in some way stop her from confronting the problem. Not saying anything may end up being quite enabling for her.

Good luck

Akhems - I would be very interested in those details.

To the OP: as a very large person myself, I know that some cars creak when large people (me!) get in them. I know that beds don't last as long. I avoid certain chairs for fear of them breaking or me not fitting in them.
But I would hate it for someone to point it out to me, especially a loved relative.
Like your mum, I know why I am so fat: I eat fairly healthily, but way too much, and I don't exercise.
In offices, facilities management are supposed to supply sturdier chairs for employees weighing over 18 stone. I guess this is the maximin amount that most furniture is made for. It's because of this that my sofa is knackered, I guess!!!

fruity send me an email to banana dot toffee at gmail dot com and I'll pass on the info

Food's a funny old thing though. As an addiction, it's a pretty tough one to get around. You have to have food!
I was anorexic/ bulimic as a teen, although not to extremes, I indulged in the behaviour. So I was pretty slim. I think that because of that, I failed to learn how to eat when I'm hungry. And I always obsessed about sweets and chocolate.

The second I let go of that extreme self-control that is starving/ binging/ purging, I got fat. And I have stayed fat. I'm obese, I have 3 1/2 stone to lose.

I think the same "isshoos" are at the heart of my skininess and now my fatness. I am trying to deal with that while at the same time forcing myself to do 40 mins a day Wii Fit (best thing ever, no way of getting to a gym with 3 kids!) and slim fast. I haven't changed as a person, it's the same feelings

I can see why people might find my attitude to food disgusting, I find it pretty horrible and I've been through it! It must be hard to empathise if you don't e.g. think of food every few seconds, become frantic if there is no food in the house, compulsively eat the kids' chocolate. Just as I cannot imagine using food as fuel, or food not mattering.

Riven, I think you just have to tell them straight.
' I've been struggling with how to bring this up, as I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it's simply a matter of physics. The sofa bed won't hold you and so we need to come up with an alternative as we are so looking forward to your visit.'

How about 'well do you want the sofa bed and can your bring an air bed for your partner'? Chances are that they are worrying about it to.

akhems- I think I know you!!

I cant believe the contempt shown to obese people here. I am over 23 stone and often wonder when people dont really talk to me if it is because of my weight.
I am having bariatric surgery in the near future and I wonder if people will percieve me different when I am thinner. I cant wait to find out.

oooooooooh gimme a clue.. or email me - my address is up there a bit ^ lol

actually I think there's a clue in your name yes? hehehehe 31st ring a bell?

Yes- you got me! I recognised you from your email add!

It's so nice to see the support on this thread for larger people.

I'm not sure about my DH best friend, but my mother has been to the doctors, and been referred onto a dietician. This was a few years ago now. The dietician monitored my mother's diet and exercise and apparently said that the only thing my mother is eating that is in any way fattening was a thin spread of margarine on her sandwich at lunchtime, and the dietician was at a loss as to how my mother maintained the weight she is, and had no answers.
Consequently, my mother lost faith in the system to provide her with the help she needs.

I have watched my mother sobbing because of her size, but I do not know what to say, since I am flummoxed as to how one thinly spread slice of bread per day has caused her to be this weight.

My mother obviously eats as well as this, but this was all the dietician could find that was anywhere near fattening in my mother's diet.

Interestingly, my mother was unable to eat for 1 week once, due to severe illness, and lost over a stone in a week.

Maybe she is intolerant to certain foods?

I truly don't know what to think, but while my siblings tend to believe she is economical with how much she is eating truthfully, I have seen how upset she becomes, and can not accept that my mother would be aware of how upset we all are at her distress, then basically lie about how much she is consuming.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, because I don't mean it to, but I also see my mother slowly killing herself, and it scares me.
I love my mother.

OP I would actually try and avoid saying anything if you can. My mother was very large (was practically housebound for 5 years before she died - a mix of the wieght and the underlying health problems). It would have broken her heart to have it pointed out so plainly -she already knew it.

I have struggled alot with my weight I am now floating around between 11 and 12 stone but I am only 5 foot 2 so I think that puts me into the obese category. I have been quite a bit heavier than that when I was suffering badly with depression and anxiety, when I get a couple of months of feeling down again or a couple of months of bad panic attacks the weight goes on quickly. It IS simple in terms of yes I eat more and less healthy foods and I DONT go out and exercise BUT it is far from simple interms of if you are struggling to get out of bed or just function day to day or if you cant leave the house or even your bedroom because of panic attacks allof a sudden healthy eating and exercise becomes less of an option.

I think it is awful the a few peole have talked on this thread - People who are overweight firstly need help to sort any underlying problems out (and i suspect there often are some no matter how small they might seem from the outside) and then help to get their wieght back on track.

Tbh, I expect she was lying to the dietician. People aren't that fat for no reason whatsoever. As you say, she lost a stone in a week when ill, and that is not surprising as the human body doesn't want to be that weight, so the first stones come off relatively easily. But her lying must mean that is a very deepseated psychological issue, and I feel very sorry for her and you.

Surgery is probably your mum's best option. Once you are morbidly obese its pretty much the only way you will lose weight and keep it off.

mummysgoingmad's comment makes me feel sick.
My dh is 19 stone. obese. he has a cup of tea for breakfast and 2 slices of wholemeal toast. for lunch a roll, a muller light youghurt, a bannana and a go ahead bar. I cook dinner - spag bol, lamb chops, new potaotoes, with 3 steamed veg, maybe fat free stir fry . prob too big a portion. no pudding. I am a diabetic of 30 years, since aged 1, and know all about high fibre fat free diets. I eat more than my husband and am a size 12. my cholestrol is higher than his. his is very low at 2.9

So all those that look at him thinking you lack of control, fat pig, who shoves 15 pasties in his gob before 10am. think again. You have no F**KING idea.

go chew on that .

I think people, Op underestimate how serious surgery is. They want my dh to have a gastric band. They haven't even refered him to a dieticain yet. I would LOVE to see what she makes of his diet. Becasue he truely doesn't shove a tub of quality strret in his gob when I am not looking. I see what he eats when he all inclusive holiday for 2 weeks.
But to be fair, like I say I can't wait to see hwta the dietician makes of dh, when she meets me.
I think your mum is underestimating her food intake. unlike my dh.
I think THIS is your issue. her denial. my dh is not.

oblomov - my hubby has a similar diet to yours. He also goes to the gym everyday and burns on average 1200 cal per session but he still weighs over 18 stone and still has a huge tummy.

It must be genetics to some degree. Me, well i just over eat crap!!

Oblomov your DH is eating more than that. This is just physics, there's nothing mystical about food - if you eat more than you expend, you will gain weight.

Unless he's completely sedentary - and I mean bed-bound - that's not enough energy to keep a static weight for an adult male.

help. i agree. poeple have preconceived ideas. look at my dh and yours, and think fat lazy slob with no self control. he has more control than me. cycles 1 mile to work and then back every day.
I eat healthily, as i say diabetic since age 1, but i also eat crisps and chocolate each day that my dh does not eat. i am a size 12. i dish up the same portion of dinner for me as i do for him. he has 6 brother and sisters, all obese. how can that be ?