in considering leaving my 8 year old home alone?

[kitkatsforbreakfast]

OK, I haven't done it yet, but I am considering it, in the following circumstances:

• If I have to pop out to pick up another dc and will be away less than half an hour.

• if he wants to be at home.

• if neighbours are in, and know that ds is watching tv/playing on the computer.

• if ds knows he can knock on neighbour's door, or ring them, or ring me at any time.

I'm asking because sometimes if I have to collect another dc, ds doesn't want to come. He would prefer to be reading/listening to his iPod/watching TV, or going on Club Penguin. He is very trustworthy and sensible, wouldn't open the door to anyone or anything like that, and we know our neighbours very very well.

Usually I make him go round and watch TV at our neighbour's house if he doesn't want to come out with me (and the younger dc), just wondering when you can start to give a bit more freedom.

I've always been inclined towards independence, my parents were very orientated that way (although as the youngest of four I expect they were fairly relaxed by the time I was spreading my wings) so it seems the right thing to me. I've seen too many teens being restricted for too long and then once they have their freedom totally misuse it. I can't even remember feeling that I had become free IYSWIM.

So in the UK I found it annoying that ds wasn't allowed to walk home from school on his own until he was 10 for example - I felt that that should be a parental decision based on the route and sensibleness of the child. Now I live in Canada and as far as I am aware only the kindergarten children are collected from their classroom, everyone else just piles in in the morning and goes off in the afternoon. Children are expected to be able to babysit at 11, and you can go to classes to learn basic first aid etc, so this is officially endorsed. There is lots of playing out - in the summer my two take their bikes (at the moment it's their sleds) and disappear with a bunch of their friends with a "be home by" type instruction. It's great, they really enjoy their freedom, get lots of exercise, play great imaginative games and generally enjoy being kids. I really think we've lost something very important in the UK.

Anyway, I agree, in general eight is a good time to start getting them used to relying on their own resources.

well my eldest is only eight so I have no experience yet of how to do the building self reliance thing at older ages: how do those of you who are confident about this approach it? I think walking home from secondary school is ok, for instance. There's just something about leaving a child alone at home like that which seems quite sad to me. maybe it's in the way you sell it to them?

thanks again Cory, i really am not neurotic, just where we live makes it extremely difficult, no real public transpor (one bus goes every 2 hours) or anything for her to 'get out' if she needed to.

I think leaving a child on their own from the end of school until fairly late in the evening on a regular basis is very unfair. Not because it is necessarily unsafe but because that is a very long time to be on your own, and I would have thought that most children would be unhappy about it. My two (10 and 9 so a bit younger) are happy to be left on occasion (like shopping) for up to about two hours, but longer than that and they would miss us (and no doubt fight with each other).

In Sweden, there is basically no childcare provision for over-11s, despite the fact that nearly all mums work. They can do sport or activities of course, but they are almost always in a different location from the school, so the children have to take themselves there.

When my brother and his partner split up, their dd (who was then about 10) used to come home and prepare supper before her mum got home from work: nobody thought this was odd in the slightest; it was just a normal sensible thing for a child that age to do.

(I once babysat for said niece when she was 3: she gave me detailed and correct instructions on how to make up baby brother's bottle. So I wasn't entirely surprised when she could handle the frankfurters and macaroni aged 10).

tide "maybe it's in the way you sell it to them?"

Or the way they sell it to you. DS is only 5 and assures me that he knows the way to school, knows to use the crossings and to push the button and wait for the green man. "So no need for you to come with me Mummy" and "You could give me your phone and I could call you Mummy".

Not a chance in hell at 5, but I expect he will have me convinced by 8. And I will have to suck my fear up and let him go a bit.

My nephew was offered a choice when he was 9 or 10(can't remember if he had turned 10): did he want to go to after school club or did he want to come home? He said he wanted to come home because it was less boring. He had his mum's phone no at work and was allowed to call if he got lonely. He is a very self sufficient child. I can see no sign that he has been damaged.

I agree that environment does inform how you can pace their independence. We are central London so most walk to school and there is a mini mart every few yards so opportunity for small sweetie expeditions that get bigger. So DD1 (10) and DD2 (8) have been doing the 10 minute walk to school on their own for the past year which translates to going to Guides, football locally alone now.
And when you get that first breakfast in bed they are so thrilled to have delivered it and you are rewarded for being relaxed with the kettle and toaster. I embrace my built in obsolescence!

sure he isn't damaged at all Cory, my niece is very similar but doesn't live near us, she is in a town so same as yr nephew.

tide, it depends on the child. I (having three brothers) used to really relish the times I was left alone at home: the peace, the silence, having the whole place to myself, enjoying my own music without interruption! "sad" would have been the last word that would have occurred to me.

Ds likes it because he's allowed to watch DVDs even at times when he wouldn't otherwise be allowed. And even if he wasn't, he probably would find reading his own books or listening to his own music more interesting than wandering around the aisles of the COOP with me. Nothing sad about it; he knows he can come if he wants to.

A good friend of mine refuses to let her DD's, 10 & 6, do anything for themselves. They are not allowed to play outside alone, not allowed to stay home alone (10 year old is desparate), not allowed even to make themselves a sandwich.
My DD 10 has asked if they can go to the cinema together alone. Dropped off outside and picked up from outside. I said that was fine with me but my friend absolutely refused. Because she said that you dont know who is in a cinema and they might pick up DD's and take them away

Needless to say we dont talk about it anymore!

DD loves feeling all grownup when she is at home.
However DD2 is now 5 1/2 and I cant see her being mature enough to be left for a very long time.

Morloth: maybe that's it: mine has never asked to stay home alone/go off alone. I encourage him to go off and play in the woods with friends, but thats about all he's keen to do, and he's nearly nine. He does bring me breakfast in bed though! sometimes!

Mine rolls his eyes and sighs at me when I say we have to go to the shops. He hasn't quite gotten to "Can I stay here" but I expect it isn't far off.

Different kids/different appropriate responses.

government (or nanny state, depending on your point of view) advice is as follows:

The most important factor to consider is how mature the child is. For example, it may be okay to leave a mature 12 year old alone, but not a 13 year old who is not mature.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) advises that:

• children under the age of about 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
• children under the age of 16 should not be left alone overnight
• babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone

so: what's a long period of time???!

I haven't read all posts but I was speaking to someone about this today.

I was discussing my almost 8yo son who wants to stay home alone when I go to the shop or walk the dog. So far I haven't left him alone but he is very mature. The person I was talking to was telling me its against the law to leave a child under 14 alone. I disagreed with this as I know there is no set age limit. So, she told me that SS would press charges against me for child neglect if I did leave him home alone.

I don't know at what age children can be left alone. Its a hard choice but one you have to make eventually!

'I wouldn't leave an 8yr old child alone in the house,even for half a hour until they're at least old enough to be considered as a babysitter by other parents. Say 12, 13.

Now that is what I would call really frightening! First of all I wouldn't want a babysitter of 12 or 13, I like them to be 6th formers or at least year 11 at school and secondly I would find it frightening to have a DC of 13 looking after younger DC when they had never coped on their own.

I would leave my 12 or 13 yr old in charge, because I know them and trust them. (I wouldn't do it if he had no experience of being on his won first).

It gets to the point where you have to trust. When they get to about 14 they just don't want a babysitter in the evening, and they especially don't want a 16yr old babysitter!

If you are isolated, with no near neighbours, it is difficult to leave at home; but you can then work harder at letting them have freedom in other ways, meeting friends in town etc.

i do drive her to town, but to be honest she has sports fixtures most w/e and not really bothered about hanging round shops.

'So, she told me that SS would press charges against me for child neglect if I did leave him home alone'

Why have people got such fear of authority?! If I leave my sensible 8yr old alone at home while I pop to the post office for 20 minutes with my mobile, and he has set rules (which I know he will keep)and good neighbours to call upon, it isn't child neglect. SS would get short shrift from me and I would kick up a hell of a fuss!! It is utterly ridiculous! SS have an over stretched workload of real cases of need-they are going to spot a loving responsible parent immediately!

I would not but hey my ex friend left her 4 year old to walk the dog because he was ready

It sounds to me as if she does a lot that people on here wouldn't let a 14yr old do MABS, so I wouldn't worry-she seems to have a wealth of experience.

I don't know if this has been linked to already, but I found this online

nspcc

yes indeed piscesmoon, totally agree with you re the SS thing, i would support you making a hell of a fuss! bloody ridiculous

At least the NSPCC are a voice of common sense! They say all the things that I have already said. Your DC needs to be happy about it, it needs to be for short periods, they need to be sensible and you need to have all the rules and safeguards in place.
If you don't do any of that, you ought to start thinking about it before they are 16 yrs and go out of the door to join the army!

Have been reading this thread with interest, as I think it's a subject that really divides parents.
I used to work in childcare, and have had parents quite happy to leave 8-10 yr olds at home, even in to the evening for an hour or so, whereas others won't even leave teenagers- a friend of mine does babysitting via an agency, and turned up at a job the other day to find a 13 year old and 15 year old twins were her charges for the evening. She assumed the twins would be going off somewhere themselves but no. Parents were only going out for a couple of hours too.
I was literally like this when she told me; when we were that age we out trying to buy booze and pull boys!! I really don't think the parents in question were doing their kids any favours whatsoever by making them so dependent.

I go back to my 1st post lol! make so much sense x x