in considering leaving my 8 year old home alone?

[kitkatsforbreakfast]

OK, I haven't done it yet, but I am considering it, in the following circumstances:

• If I have to pop out to pick up another dc and will be away less than half an hour.

• if he wants to be at home.

• if neighbours are in, and know that ds is watching tv/playing on the computer.

• if ds knows he can knock on neighbour's door, or ring them, or ring me at any time.

I'm asking because sometimes if I have to collect another dc, ds doesn't want to come. He would prefer to be reading/listening to his iPod/watching TV, or going on Club Penguin. He is very trustworthy and sensible, wouldn't open the door to anyone or anything like that, and we know our neighbours very very well.

Usually I make him go round and watch TV at our neighbour's house if he doesn't want to come out with me (and the younger dc), just wondering when you can start to give a bit more freedom.

pebbles - so you never go to the loo while you are looking after children then? Or to the end of the garden or into the attic?

Not all 8yos are as young as some 11yos iyswim. Though most British 8yos these days do seem to be younger than their Swedish or German counterparts. Perhaps to be expected when they are ferried to playdates, have all their social lives organised by parents, only ever play out of doors under the watchful eye of a parent, usually can't fix themselves the most basic meal. Half dd's friends weren't allowed to use the kettle until after they had started secondary school- by which time they were supposed to cope with chemistry lab!.

I've never done it either, but then I'm not sure my DS1 who is just 8 is sensible enough yet.

There isn't a legal age in the UK though, there is just a 'guideline' of the age of 14 being a sensible enough age. It's only if something awful happens you can be prosecuted for neglect.

I only know this because x-h left my ds2 who was 3 at the time to play outside his flat, next to a field and busy road, whilst he was 'sleeping' in the 3rd floor flat. When I asked SS for their opinion, they were not interested in the slightest - as he hadn't actually been run over or got lost it was fine.

Another thing that is very striking by comparison is British parents' lack of trust in the children. They daren't leave their child at home because they might surf the internet (well can't you come to some agreement?), a teacher is blamed for leaving a class of 11yos unsupervised during a wet lunch hour (as if 11yos couldn't bear the responsibility for their own behaviour). I can understand not trusting a very young child and I can (to some extent) understand being cautious about trusting a teenager, but if you can't trust an 9-11yo- who can you trust?

In contrast, dds Swedish friends are allowed to go unaccompanied to the beach by age 11 because it is assumed that they could be trusted to be sensible in the water, my 11yo nephew tells me that at his school they have spare hours with no lessons timetabled and no supervision: they are expected to be able to geton with their work without having their hands held, and afaik children of this age are allowed to leave the school grounds at lunch break because it is expected of 11yos to be able to take the responsibility for behaving in public and returning in time for the next lesson.

Why are British children supposed to be so particularly helpless?

Would an 8 year old be able to fix themselves a meal? Mine would be able to make herself some toast, nothing else.

Well not gourmet cuisine obviously. By age 8, ds could fry fishfingers, heat oven chips and heat beans- so that's a basic meal. Dh was rather more clever: he did the Sunday roast at that age. My brothers and I used to bake cakes, and we had no adult supervision or help.

I've just started to let DS1 use the toaster and he can be found making toast at every chance he gets now, but as he's not very tall I think the kettle would be a dangerous thing to use at the moment. But I am truly looking forward to the day he can make me a decent cup of tea.

Cory you're making me wonder if DS1 could be capable of more than I'm letting him do? I'm just a bit worried about burns

So he uses the oven and stove unsupervised? I don't feel ready to let dd try that yet. I wouldn't let her use the kettle either, even supervised, as she is such a klutz.

We left DS alone today as one of our cars is still snowed in and DH offered to take me (in my car, grr) up to the bus stop where a colleague would meet me to go into work. DS nearly 8 alone for all of 5 minutes as he hadn't managed to get out of his PJs quick enough.

Interesting:

• we're often in the garden, or he is, for hours at a time and he doesn't feel alone although he's had the run of the house if he wants for hours, and we don't feel as though he's alone either although he is

• he didnt say it today but on one other occasion when he wasn't ready for a trip to the village shop or some other 5 minute journey he's said "are you going to leave me ALONE, like Madeleine McM"

• he isn't allowed on the computer unsupervised, but he was on a games site the other day, and veered quickly into a gambling site with links to soft porn - quite innocently and I don't suppose he'd have been damaged by Nuts or FHM or whatever, but it was surprising how easily he could get to "those" sort of sites

Well yes, burns can happen. But quite frankly I burn myself from time to time: I invariably get burns on my hands when doing the Christmas biscuits. So I suppose I feel my dcs (9 and 13) have got to an age where it doesn't matter more if they burn themselves a little than if I do it. And most people don't burn themselves seriously when heating up beans in a saucepan. They both know the running water trick. They are not precious toddlers that have to be protected from crying. They are precious as human beings- but so am I. At their age, they obviously hurt themselves- cuts, bruises etc- far more often than I do (I don't play football and I don't do silly tricks on bicycles), so they're more used to it anyway . I would keep them away from anything where I felt they were more likely than me to suffer serious injury (no chip pans!). But even the 9yo will very soon be arriving at the bunsen burner stage.

megapixels Sat 16-Jan-10 00:14:42
"So he uses the oven and stove unsupervised? "

Depends on what you mean by unsupervised. Not when I am out of the house, no. But I would leave him dealing with the fish fingers and beans while I was popping in and out of the kitchen on other tasks. And when I was in bed with a bad cold the other day, he was kind enough to offer to make me a cup of tea. He is 9.

Oh right cory, I misunderstood thinking that your ds fixes himself a meal when you are out .

It's interesting hearing these things, sometimes you don't realise what your children may be capable of managing if you'll let them.

I think it depends so much on the child and that is exactly why there are no laws regarding such things.

I wouldn't leave DS2, aged 9 alone whilst I went out in the car for half an hour, but then I am only just allowing him to play out on his own now as he is not mature for his age and I don't trust him not to get into trouble (easily led by others). I would however, leave him (and his five year old brother) for 5 mins while I walked to the shop down the road.

However, DS1 has been trusted from a much earlier age and now aged 13 (almost 14 admittedly) is entrusted to babysit his younger brothers either during the day or evenings and several friends who are very precious about who babysits their children also have him to babysit. He is very indepenant and can make all sorts o fmeals and bakin unspervised and has been doign so for years. I always joke he could look after his brothers singlehandedly for weeks at a time, although obviously I'd never leave him longer than an evening.

I have always had my DC on a longer leash than most of my friends and yes, I do get some comments from time to time but I really don't care.

My DC are 10 and 8. I have always made them do their own washing, make their own lunches, they go to the park unaccompanied, I am happy to leave them at home for an hour or so, they nip to Sainsbury's for milk and I haven't got their stuff ready for school since they were tiny.

They way I see it childhood is a learning process, training for adulthood and if you wrap them in cotton wool they will be completely helpless when you finally let them out.

My friend is always nagging at me about sex offenders and kidnappers and traffic accidents and yes, these things exist. But they are rare. And that is what most people forget.

Hurray for Cumbria!

OP, YANBU, and another hooray for Cumbria. My dd quite often goes down to the playground and mooches about for an hour or so. I did agree to her going to the shop in the next village on her scooter. The trip should have taken 20 minutes in total. when she hadn't returned in 45 I went out to look for her. She hadn't even reached the shop. She had spoken to quite a few people, stroked a couple of dogs and had a nice chat to some cows. I would leave her on her own but never have the need to.

My dcs have been left on their own so often, I sometimes worry they will forget what I look like.

Like Cory I grew up in Sweden and agree there is massive difference between British and Swedish parenting on this point. I especially think the "stranger-danger" is big in Britain.

I have left DD home alone for a couple of hours since she was 6, but DS1 has only just started being alone now he is 8. I think it depends on the child, where you live (we live next door to friends who are always at home when I leave my children) and I think most importantly that the child wants to be left and feel ready.

I leave my ds9 (10 on wednesday) home alone when I do the weekly shop, about an hour or so, he hates the supermarket. He goes to the local shop on his own, 5 minutes there and back and walks part way to school by himself, again 5 minutes walk.

I have to say, that in my experience, leaving under 10s home alone is not all that sensible.

Like crazydiamond, in a professional capacity (but not police) I have known SSD to get involved with parents who leave their children alone prior to secondary school age. I am not saying that other concerns were not around - but do you really want to be the subject of a SSD assessment becasue you are reported for leaving your 7 year old on their own?

I agree that children are individuals (I have met adults who really should not be left on their own!) but we are rsponsible for our children and I really do feel that 7 is too young for most.

'They way I see it childhood is a learning process, training for adulthood and if you wrap them in cotton wool they will be completely helpless when you finally let them out.

Exactly! DCs live up to your expectations and if you think they are immature and stupid that is what you will get!
I left mine at 8yrs for short periods but it was discussed first and he knew what to do in various situations. It makes life very hard for both of you if you just want to pop to the post office for 20 mins and you have to drag a reluctant 8 yr old away from what he is doing, make him put shoes and coat on, get in the car and stand in a queue-much simpler, and quicker, to leave him alone. I was at the end of the mobile phone, there were neighbours he could call on.
I don't see that the internet is too much of a problem for 20 mins-they knew I could look at the browsing history and that I would be very suspicious if it had been erased!
If you have got an 8 yr old who can't be trusted then you need to start training them while you are there-let them make toast, help you chop onions etc.

YANBU - mine are 9 & 7 and I will leave them alone when picking the other up from an activty which is the most 15 mins, more so in the evening when I dont want to drag them out with me espcailly as I walk to the actvity.

they are told not to answer the door, they sit and watch TV ,, play on Wii or DS .

I guarentee that they never move !