in considering leaving my 8 year old home alone?

[kitkatsforbreakfast]

OK, I haven't done it yet, but I am considering it, in the following circumstances:

• If I have to pop out to pick up another dc and will be away less than half an hour.

• if he wants to be at home.

• if neighbours are in, and know that ds is watching tv/playing on the computer.

• if ds knows he can knock on neighbour's door, or ring them, or ring me at any time.

I'm asking because sometimes if I have to collect another dc, ds doesn't want to come. He would prefer to be reading/listening to his iPod/watching TV, or going on Club Penguin. He is very trustworthy and sensible, wouldn't open the door to anyone or anything like that, and we know our neighbours very very well.

Usually I make him go round and watch TV at our neighbour's house if he doesn't want to come out with me (and the younger dc), just wondering when you can start to give a bit more freedom.

Mine had instructions not to answer the door and only to answer the phone if it was me. I knew that he would do as asked.

'but do you really want to be the subject of a SSD assessment becasue you are reported for leaving your 7 year old on their own?'

I doubt that you would unless ther are other issues surrounding the family/child.

Police have a duty to attend on immmediate repsonse any call to a child left alone, and whether they have been just been left for 5 minutes they will have to submit a form which goes to social services and police child protection unit. Whether this is followed up is another matter , especailly if there are no other circumtances surrounding the issue or child has not come to any harm.

Its all about neglect and whether child comes to any harm.

I think if you know your child and feel they are responsible enough to be left for a resonable amount of time , then so be it.

Some times we have to let go of our children and stop being to bloody scared of the state !

Talking as an ex police officer too here BTW.

I never understand why people are so scared of authority! It would be perfectly clear that my DCs were well cared for and that I was a responsible, loving mother. I would be able to justify my decision and I base it on my DCs-not the worry that someone would report me! I would kick up the most tremendous fuss!

I absolutely refuse to stop doing something quite sensible because of some nebulous fear of SSB involvement. If some lunatic did report me for leaving my 8 year old alone for 30 minutes I am completely confident that the social services would have better things to do than spend more than 5 minutes checking to make sure that he was happy with the arrangement and that he was in no danger.

I do not get my view of the world from the tabloid newspapers, so I know that the social services will not swoop in and take my child into care without much evidence, much paperwork and well founded concerns.

I personally would not be willing to leave an 8 year old alone in the house for a variety of reasons. That being said, you know your child better than anyone and you know whether he is responsible enough to be left.

What reasons?

'I am completely confident that the social services would have better things to do than spend more than 5 minutes checking to make sure that he was happy with the arrangement and that he was in no danger.'

If they did I would be seeing my MP and raising questions-I thought that SS were overstretched, so would be very unhappy if they wasted time and resources on such a piffling complaint! The people really damaging their DCs are the ones that give no independence and teach their DC that the world is such a horrible place that they need to be 'guarded' every moment!

Is that aimed at me seeker??

IMO, it is not safe to leave such a young child alone for any length of time. I was 13 before I was left alone and DH and I plan on the same age with dd. I simply do not think it's safe.

Well in two years time my eldest will be walking to secondary school on his own ? He will be 11 yrs of age .

What's safer leaving a 11 year old at home for say by that time an hour ? or letting him walk to school on his own . cross two main roads and dare I say be unaccompained in daylight !

I think that by yor DD is a few years older AnnieBean and you may have a different outlook.

Y

Why isn't it safe to leave them for 20 minutes? What is magical at the age of 13yrs? Are they suddenly safe-do conditions change? At 13 yrs I used to leave my DS with his 3yr old and 5 yr old brother-he was sensible and responsible and they knew they had to listen to him if I was out.

Depends on your child the guidelines from the NSPCC are as follows......

?the age of the child
?the child's level of maturity and understanding
?the place where child will be left
?how long the child will be left alone, and how often
?whether or not there are any other children alone with the child

so if your son has these qualities and abilities then Im sure he will be safe x x x

Their is no age limit, but as long as you made welfare provisions and very stern "DO and DONTS" then I am sure he will be fine x x x x

I'm not commenting on anyone else's decision to leave their dc alone and unsupervised. I have said in both my posts, that I do not personally believe it is safe. The OP asked for opinions - I gave mine but was polite about it. I don't think I should have to defend my reasons.

I am glad that the NSPCC uses common sense! Bringing up a DC is a matter of letting go gradually. You need to be training them to take responsibility and become independent. I would rather do it in short stages. If you don't leave a DC for 20 minutes until they are 13yrs, then there is a very steep learning curve bearing in mind that at 16yrs they can be legally married and running their own house (not that I think it a good idea)or they can have joined the army!

And there is nothing magical about the age of 13yrs - it's simply what my parents did and what dh and I plan on doing.

That is your opinion piscesmoon. Obviously our opinions on this differ greatly.

I was just interested in what wasn't safe for a 10 yr old-bearing in mind that they can reach you by phone and you can get back quickly or you have good neighbours.

I feel like piscesmoon that it is helpful to children not to have too steep a learning curve between 13 and 16. I have known children who have been very helpless by the time they got to university. Some of them get into terrible trouble.

Another point is that at least round here, by the time they are at secondary, friendships are cemented by children going into town together for a drink and a bit of shopping. Dd who was unable to do that because of illness last year has found it difficult to muscle in on friendships.

I think this is partly a question of social milieu. In some circles, even very young children have to learn to trust to their judgment. Think for instance of the kind of child who goes pony-riding. Yes, an adult may well be present- but they won't be in time to save you if you make a foolish decision. Same with dinghy-sailing: parents may wait on the shore, but it's your hand on the tiller. I think it is easier in an urban setting for parents not to ever find themselves in a situation where a child has to trust to their own judgment.

But I can't help noticing that the child death and injury statistics are no higher in Scandinavia (where children are given a good deal more independence): on the other hand, as a recent survey showed reported child happiness is a good deal higher and risky behaviour a good deal less.

I think one of the scariest things about being a child is the feeling that you are totally dependent on adults for your safety.

Once a child is given the chance to deal with situations on their own their confidence grows a great deal.

It should be a slow process from 8 up leading them into independence.

7 - 8 leave them inside while you deliver something to next door 10 - 20 mins

9 - 10 you can pop to the shop or pick up another child from school 30 mins

10 - 11 an hour alone while you pop to town - walks to school with a friend.

11 - 12 all of above plus you take them to town and leave them with a friend or two for an hour (now in mobile contact)

13 - walks to secondary school or bus stop alone goes to town alone cinema alone can be left alone in the house all day.

don't you think ? I cannot imagine starting my 13 year old on the road to independence now. It would be far too late. She is the size of an adult and extremely confident and sensible.

That sounds a sensible plan Minty

YABU 8 too young IMO.

I also think it depends on the child my youngest could not be left alone at 8 she has SN.

Different children mature at different rates. I know some very silly eight year olds that I cannot leave upstairs for long if they come and play. I also know some eight year olds that are extremely together.

There is a huge difference from our generation though isn't there ? At eight I had a key and walked home alone let myself in and waited a couple of hours for anyone else to arrive.

Actually dd is 7 I mean when she is 8 I won't leave her alone

Please will someone explain to me why it is safer for an 8 year old to be out in the car on icy roads or walking on icy pavements (extremely small but real risk of injury or even death) than sitting at home alone on a bean bag watching TV?

Anniebean - I do think on a forum like this if you make a categorical statement like in your opinion it is not safe to leave anunder 13 year old at home alone, it's not rude for people to ask your reasons.

Seeker, it's that thing about mothers feeling their presence conveys some sort of automatic protection. Better to be with mum in a car crash than be at home waiting for her. We all think of ourselves as Lily Potter.

During the years I have been absent from my dd's side, the only time she has been in real danger was not when she was alone at home, nor when she went swimming with her friends (safe beach, no currents, shallow water, all of them trained life savers): it was when the childminder's car was driven into. Fortunately, dd was ok, but the CM suffered longlasting injuries- noone else could protect her and she could not protect the children in her charge.

I deliberately leave my 8 year old ds1 on his own, because he needs to learn independence. Come Y7, when he will be 11.3, he will have to get a bus on his own to the other side of the city, and get himself home again. There is no alternative. If he hadn't been trained in some independence before then I dread to think how he would cope. And staying at home on his own will teach him to take responsibility for himself (especially as we are getting him to do it before he is begging to, so it feels more of a 'big deal' to him, and he takes it seriously, rather than being a case of 'FREEDOM' iyswim).

I am going to start letting him get the bus to his friend's house fairly soon - it goes pretty well door to door, but he really needs lots of practice before secondary. He's Y4 atm, but the time will go quickly. In the summer I think I will also let him walk home from school unsupervised, once it's lighter in the evenings.