in considering leaving my 8 year old home alone?

[kitkatsforbreakfast]

OK, I haven't done it yet, but I am considering it, in the following circumstances:

• If I have to pop out to pick up another dc and will be away less than half an hour.

• if he wants to be at home.

• if neighbours are in, and know that ds is watching tv/playing on the computer.

• if ds knows he can knock on neighbour's door, or ring them, or ring me at any time.

I'm asking because sometimes if I have to collect another dc, ds doesn't want to come. He would prefer to be reading/listening to his iPod/watching TV, or going on Club Penguin. He is very trustworthy and sensible, wouldn't open the door to anyone or anything like that, and we know our neighbours very very well.

Usually I make him go round and watch TV at our neighbour's house if he doesn't want to come out with me (and the younger dc), just wondering when you can start to give a bit more freedom.

I think it totally depends on the child, at 8 I was allowed to walk home (after collecting my younger brother who was 4 from pre-school) from school and my older siblings would be home about 1/2 an hour later. We were just fine, go in back gate/door chuck bags in room and make sandwiches, turn on telly. We were not allowed near the pool, to answer the door etc.

However, my younger brother was not trusted on his own until much later, because he was a freakin' nutter who could easily have burned the house down.

I don't see the world as any more dangerous now than it was 20 years ago TBH, I think we are more exposed to it through the media, but bad stuff has always happened and you can't really protect your kids as much as you think you can.

My dd's are 9 and 8 and I won't be leaving them on their own while I go out for a few years yet.
I have left them in the house when i went next door but that's a bit different to getting in the car and going off somewhere.

They are quite independant and can cook things like scrambled egg on toast, and they play freely outside with the neighbours children out of my sight, but i wouldn't feel comfortable in going to the shop without them.

I wish I could, but ds is 3 so I have to take him anyway, so a few more kids isn't that hard!

I would be very frightened if my 18 yr old was over 200 miles away without doing any of these things.

1. It is Saturday night-he is in a city-he may be alone-he may have had too much to drink.
2. He has had to buy his own food and cook his own meals.

3.He has to do his own washing and ironing (although I admit he says he doesn't see the point of ironing, so I doubt if he has handled a hot iron) 4.He has to get himself up and get to lectures and meet deadlines. The university treat him as an adult and if I ask how he is doing they won't tell me.

1. He has to handle money and stick to a budget-again if I try and get information from his bank they won't tell me.
2. If he wants to come home he has to book a ticket and have at least one change of train.
3. He lives in a house with 5 other 18/19 yr old who are away from home for the first time-they don't have their mother's there and so the house may burn down!

I expect, those of you with younger DCs are all saying 'well he is 18 and an adult-of course he can do all this! It seems to me as if I have blinked and my 8yr old is doing this-the time goes so quickly! He can only do it because he gained the skills slowly over the last 10 yrs. I trusted him, he assessed risk. He stayed at home while I went to the supermarket, he walked to the school bus and he went into the nearby city with friends on the train and went shopping without me. He went out in the evening with his friends.

It is a bit late at 14yrs to say that you will start leaving them on their own or they can have 2 hours at the shops because there is far too much to pack into 4 years. The ones that can't cope at university are the ones whose parents don't trust them and think they can't cope. DCs live up to, or down to expectations. I wouldn't force mine into something they weren't ready for but I wouldn't hold them back either with my irrational fears. The house spontaneously igniting as soon as you leave it is irrational! It is far more likely that you are involved in a car accident-if that was so I would far rather that my DC was safe at home than in the car with me!

Funny how this subject has come up when I am pondering the dilemma. It is INS at my DSs school on Monday but not my DDs school and so I am debating leaving him at home. I am put off by what people will think! But I used to completely fend for myself at this age (walk home from school, get tea on etc) and I think 'we' are a bit over protective nowadays.

Parenting is one of the few jobs where your goal is to make yourself obsolete, agree with picsesmoon a little at a time and before you know it you have a grown-up who can deal with shit.

no way would i leave my 9 year old ever, and only leave my `14 yr old for short times, but everyone knows their own children best and can make informed decisions.

It is the hardest part of parenting-I admit that I am not too good at it and lie awake until they get home! However I force myself. If I didn't I really would end up the MIL from hell! Most of the problems that adult posters have with their own parents (or PIL) on mumsnet are from parents who won't let go!
If you can't pop to the post box to post a letter while your 8yr old sits in front of the TV you are not suddenly going to be calm about your 18yr old being at a night club until 2am! It is a question of training yourself as much as your DC!

I would be utterly terrified if I was only leaving my 14yr old for short periods and yet in less than 4 yrs they could get around South America on their own! I think they need more than 4 yrs to get the confidence, life skills and risk assessment skills.

all depends where you live, we are very isolated here

I agree that it depends where you live. However I would imagine, from previous posts, that you want your DD to go to university MABS, which means the big city. You won't have control over anything once she is there! She needs the skills to cope-and to cope with those who are much more streetwise.
She needs to start getting them -with support- now IMO.

my dd has flown on many long hauls flights by herself,models for Storm,sometimes boards at school, and intends to go to uni in the US. doesn't worry me all i assure you. she is very confident and mature. I am just not happy with her having a problem here as it is so isolated, there would be no-one to help her if she had a problem

I'm really surprised by all these responses.

I wouldn't leave an 8yr old child alone in the house,even for half a hour until they're at least old enough to be considered as a babysitter by other parents. Say 12, 13.

Simply because: you may be delayed; they may do something really stupid, however sensible you think they are; you don't know who might come to the door.

ok I've popped round the corner to the shop to buy eggs and been gone 5 minutes. But half an hour? no way.

I have a friend who has two children 8 & 12 and leaves them to come home from school on their own until she gets in from work around 8/9, which I think is amazingly lax.

You wouldn't leave them alone until they are old enough to look after a smaller child? How odd. Surely there is a distinct stage between being unable to be alone and being responsible for others?

Agree with pooexplosions, how do they go from being helpless to responsible for someone else without the stages in between?

sounds ok to me

How would you dare to give them responsibility for a smaller child unless they had first built up confidence on themselves, tide? Far far harder to keep a younger child under control than to refrain from doing silly things yourself.

If anyone comes to the door, that is not a problem; the door is locked and only opens from the inside. We have very firm rules on what they may do and not do on these occasions. If they couldn't keep them for half an hour, how could I trust them not to sneak up and set the house on fire early one morning when I was asleep?

What you consider very lax of your friend would be considered normal procedure on the continent and in Scandinavia. Any reason to believe that Scandinavian homes are intrinsically safer?

i have never said at all that dd is helpless!

I think we can all understand that there may be places you don't want to leave your child- e.g. somewhere very isolated, like MABS.

thanks Cory, i am not neurotic i assure you.

MABS that's a bit fickle surely? Can travel the world for Storm but not be left to fend for herself for 10 mins?

So, apart from the vanishingly small possibility of the house spontaneously combusting, what exactly is going to happen to an 8 year old- or, according to some
e of you, a 12 year old left at home alone for an hour?

Risk is a funny thing. We all take risks all the time. Every time we go out for a walk, or get in the car, or do anything, we take a risk.

I knew someone at preschool - single dad and toddler. Dad was murdered in the home. Child spent 3 days beside his dad's body. The unexpected can happen even in what is a seemingly safe environment.

As such, my view is to prepare children to deal with situations, and my way of doing it is to give them responsibility.

never said she travelled world for storm! that's only uk so far and i go with her i assure you, wouldn't let her go alone to model,sure most of you wouldn't either? she flies for leisure and to visit dh when he is away on business wherever. i also never mentioned 10 mins at home as it happens.

(Should add, the child was physically ok, though obviously emotionally devastated. Think he was 3 at the time. his mum died when he was a baby.)

I think MABS explained that they live somewhere very isolated, so presumably if she goes out somewhere it would be likely to be for a very long time, and her dd wouldn't have the luxury of being able to pop over to the neighbours for support in a serious-but-not-quite-serious-enough-for-an-ambulance situation.

We live in a town. Some neighbours we know well, others would no doubt be supportive in an emergency. A phone call to daddy's office could bring him home within half an hour for minor but not life-threatening accidents (say if little brother fell down the stairs and broke his arm, but wasn't actually in an ambulance-needing/fire-brigade-calling state). Certainly, I was able to cope with able emergencies like this at a young age, with the knowledge that if I needed I could call on adults. And whenever dd has needed to deal with anything, I have to say she has done so sensibly and efficiently.

Of course, if we were genuinely isolated (say on an otherwise uninhabited island), that would be a different matter. I would probably do what MABS seems to be doing, and try to find other situations where dcs could develop independence.