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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH choose between us and old family?

589 replies

WashwithCare · 08/01/2010 21:39

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
curiositykilledhaskittens · 11/01/2010 18:53

Don't get me wrong I think I was completely destroyed by the culmination of things I have described on this thread. I used to self harm and had attempted suicide a few times and been homeless, on drugs e.t.c. There are some feelings XP still influences now. I felt terribly afraid of calling DH dad when the twins were born because dad is a bad word. I'm making good progress with making myself feel nicer about that.

When XP left I could barely function and felt my choices were suicide or 'onwards and upwards'. I chose onwards and upwards because I was pregnant and couldn't kill two children as well. That's all. I focused on the pregnancy as a hopeful thing. It all grew from there. I was glad for DS to gain a sister, it would have broken my heart for him to have been an only child because he's such a sociable chap.

I think the fact that XP was trying to fight with me when I had completely given up helped too. It goaded me to fight back. I wanted to make a success of things, it drove me forward and I truly love my parents. How I felt about anything is not their fault, parents can't be superheroes. My mum made her choices, I made mine. Most peoples choices lead to someone being hurt at some point. I just let a lot of anger and hurt go. I am in control of my life, I decide what I do not other people and I spent too long blaming other people for how my life was. My parents and I have a slightly strained but very loving relationship now but really it is strained because we are just very different types of people - we have all accepted this now and it is better.

Also I think as soon as XP left my actual situation and level of freedom improved hugely. I thank him with my whole heart for leaving me. He's drunkenly stumbling through his life and would have taken me with him if he hadn't left. I think if I had left him things might have been different I might have felt more angry with him. Nasty as it was the way he did it, he set me free and I try to remember to relish that freedom in every way I can.

I read a couple of books by the Dalai Lama, rather cheesey and cliched but they changed my life. They completely changed the way I think about things, that and treatment for my hypothyroidism! lol

TiggyR · 12/01/2010 11:06

These children were very young when they met your DH and it seems he is the only father they have known, and he clearly likes it that way or he'd cut them off as he's entitled to do, assuming he never adopted them. The way he treats them and their mother now is an indication of the way he may one day be treating you and your child, so I'd be careful what you wish for.

marantha · 12/01/2010 11:30

You are not being unreasonable.
Your husband is voluntary supporting children that are not even HIS for goodness sake-not many men would do that!!
But he sounds like a decent man who is willing to support them.

His ex? They weren't married- he owes her nothing. She should just shut up and go away.

marantha · 12/01/2010 11:38

The lot who find you unreasonable here will be demanding that if they go out on a date with a man he should take responsibility financially for them for the rest of their lives next.

MrsDimples · 12/01/2010 13:29

phew just read the thread
what I was going to say from the 1st post is

YANBU

quite why you've had such nasty posts I've no idea, don't we all know at least one woman that behaves like this? reading more of your posts she is acting out exactly like I thought she would

she is a bad mother, she is creating the lack of certainty in their life, she most definitely should not be encouraging her children to behave badly

its been 2 years ffs

I think it is hugely noble that your dh is offering money, when he has no responsibility to do so

I would not let her children anywhere near mine

good luck with the baby & hope this parasite of a woman does bugger off & leaves you all to be happy

piscesmoon · 12/01/2010 13:37

I wouldn't marry a man who could be a father for 10 years and then say 'sorry kids you aren't my responsibility-I never loved you and I'm not emotionally bound to you in any way'!!

nooka · 13/01/2010 02:58

Ah but pisces, they didn't get the piece of paper doncha know, so really it can't have been serious, and they were all just golddiggers who just liked the house and money (never mind that they called him dad, which surely is a bit of an honour). Two years is nothing if your life has been pulled apart.

None of us can tell what has happened in this relationship, the ex might be totally and utterly devastated, the partner leaving might have been completely out of the blue (not unusual as many threads here have shown). The dh supporting his "old" family might be doing so because of a large component of guilt at unforgivable behaviour. Or she might be a total bunny boiler. Who can tell.

For those of us that have been abandoned for a new woman, the OP's posts are just too familiar to do other than set the teeth on edge. My dh's OW definitely set her suit at him, and I've seen their correspondence, and saw how blackly I was painted (by both of them) when I was bending over to be bloody lovely (and again that's not unusual). So I can't see why an OW should be oh so surprised at any backlash. On the other hand bad behavior by RPs towards non resident parents is also depressingly familiar.

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 07:43

I would agree nooka that we can't know.

I think that a step parent is being offered the most precious gift that you can have-a close relationship with someone else's DC. It isn't something to be taken lightly and and if you don't like the DC and don't think you can get on, then you shouldn't get involved. He took on the 2 DCs emotionally and he can't just drop them when he meets someone who doesn't want them IMO.

chandellina · 13/01/2010 09:12

i thought WWC said she was breastfeeding a 3-year old on the thread about BFing campaigns??

posieparker · 13/01/2010 09:17

Perhaps the 3 year old is another one of her husbands other children?

OP, if this is real, then your DH could support these children in many ways that bypasses the ex. He could directly pay for things and sign over the house. If he is a super high earner I am sure he can ensure that the dcs still get a good education and so on and can still request good access. These children must been near teens and so can decide how much time they spend with their Daddy.

goodnightmoon · 13/01/2010 09:22

the OP is clearly having some fun stirring up hornet's nests on MN that probably have little to do with her/his own life. Not that these kinds of topics don't come up all the time anyway.

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 09:24

If she is so passionate about BFeeding and giving her DC the best start in life then she should have more sensitivity to step DCs IMO.

LittleMrsHappy · 13/01/2010 10:14

I wish people would read the thread for what it exactly is, and then the rest of the thread before commenting.

Some of you MN are shameful and despicable in your chosen word choice to this OP, not everyone who uses this site are trolls, and innocent until proven guilty!

Some of you just want to spoil for a fight rather be a mature intelectual adult that you are supposedly are!

Ive read all the thread WWC and I do agree your OP is VUR, but it comes from a woman who has simply had enough with a relationship breakdown to the other family, and feeling being abused financially and emotionally.

I thought the steps your dh took to give the children and his Ex a home was very reasonable and a man who did walk away from his family, but did take his responsibilities to the Ex-family very seriously, and that is a wonderful contribution to give.

I wish you all the very best for your pregnancy and stress free life x

Please keep us updated and also

posieparker · 13/01/2010 10:52

I'm expected our first baby this month.

I'm not sure if I am allowed to cut and paste from another thread but OP you have talked about post natal support on another thread...habe you got children from another relationship too?

2rebecca · 13/01/2010 10:53

I think the main problem here as with many MN threads is the header. The header talks about making her husband "choose" between the older kids who think of him as a father and his younger biological kids.
It's impossible not to view that as heartless.
Sometimes people post a header that makes them sound a controlling basket case and then put more reasonable stuff below it. The basketcase headline has already got people's hackles up by then though.

LittleMrsHappy · 13/01/2010 11:00

posieparker, her and her dh are expecting their first baby this month.

She has a child from a previous relationship.

so hence her first baby with her dh, not MY 1st baby.

Please read the post before commenting (not a dig) but alot of this is because people dont read the whole post.

I dont see it from that prospective also 2rebecca, I read the whole OP and Yes she was being unreasonable, but it clearly shows she is a woman beat down and also down physically and emotionally, and for the past 2 years has been fighting a losing battle.

We all have our limitations.

LittleMrsHappy · 13/01/2010 11:00

posieparker, her and her dh are expecting their first baby this month.

She has a child from a previous relationship.

so hence her first baby with her dh, not MY 1st baby.

Please read the post before commenting (not a dig) but alot of this is because people dont read the whole post.

I dont see it from that prospective also 2rebecca, I read the whole OP and Yes she was being unreasonable, but it clearly shows she is a woman beat down and also down physically and emotionally, and for the past 2 years has been fighting a losing battle.

We all have our limitations.

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 11:45

'I think the main problem here as with many MN threads is the header'

I would agree. I can appreciate all the difficulties but she can't make a man choose between families. They may not be his biological DCs but you can't just sever emotional bonds, without doing a lot of damage. OP knew that he didn't come alone-he came with DCs who can't just be abandoned when the going gets tough.

I would think that rather than making him choose she should force him to be much tougher all around. I may have the wrong thread but I have a feeling they were spitting at her! It is up to him to put a stop to it the very first time. He needs boundries and rules and a united front with OP.

I don't think he should choose but neither should OP have to put up with an unworkable situation. He needs to sit them down and very firmly tell them that in their house they stick to their rules.

posieparker · 13/01/2010 11:51

So the OP has a child from a previous marriage and she still wants him to get rid of those dcs?? ffs. I understand being completely pissed off with the ex but sheesh.

[shakes head emoticon]

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 11:57

I think there are a lot of people who don't really like DCs-they are thought not to be loveable unless they are biologically yours!

I don't see how anyone can bring up a baby and a 3 yr old for 10 yrs (the most formative yrs of their life)and then say 'Oh they are not really anything to do with me-I'm moving on to be another DCs daddy and have one of my own'!!!

LittleMrsHappy · 13/01/2010 12:07

As I said the OP is at the end of her tether, I would not stand a 13 and 15 year old continually being in MY house and spitting, throwing obscenities etc... the OP has been more then reasonable, and I dont agree with her initial reaction, but yet again I agree with her not putting up with it, in HER home!

If people read the OP correctly and the post, she has been with her dh for 2 years, her dh has no legal attachments to the children, as they are biologically not his, he does take responsibility for the children, over and beyond!

But neither this is here nor their now, as all the children's mother wanted was to take this man for a ride, and has not put her children's needs before her greed! This man has and the OP, was she supposed to just shut up and put up with another 5 year of abuse in her home! NO! no human being worth their salt would tolerate behaviour like this longterm.

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 12:19

I expect the step DCs are at the end of their tether too! They were not born badly behaved-the adults in their lives have let them become badly behaved. The DH needs to stop it and stop it now-not abandon them. What would she do if he said'it is your DC or me'. I really don't see why legal or biological attachments come into it. He has been their father all their lives and he now meets a new partner and is supposed to move on. She had better take care -if he can do that-in 10 yrs time he can do it again.

LittleMrsHappy · 13/01/2010 12:27

Have you ever read the thread! They have not in anyway shape or form been nothing but nice and extremely generous to the children, Her dh cannot tell the children off and neither can she as she will only get abuse! The dh cannot as if he does the "mother" stops contact!

I would not tolerate getting spit on in my own house my my own child, let alone 2 teenage children, whether they are family or not!

He cannot stop the behaviour as simply the mothers greed is now green and has been deplorable in her behaviour to uproot her children from everything they have known, simply because of money!

I suggest you read the WHOLE thread and then make a comment!

LittleMrsHappy · 13/01/2010 12:27

"even" read the thread

posieparker · 13/01/2010 12:39

The dcs are old enough to be taught some grounds rules, Op's dh should do it. Just so this is clear OP's dh got with dscs mother when they were 1 and 3? He lived with them for ten years and then OP came along and poof he left them? Making them 11 and 13, they are now 13 and fifteen. When the OP and her DH got together she had a baby around one year old, I assuming the baby's father pays for everything for that child?

Her DH sounds like a spineless wimp, if it's really so bad i think he should stop pocket money until he's shown respect... pleasure money not living money. Surely other trust money is tied up in specifics and so they can't access it?