To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

I understand the OP states clearly that she didn't get with her DH until a couple of weeks after he split with his XP of 10 years, so is not the OW. However, it's hardly surprising that the XP and the DC may see her as such. I guess a lot depends on how the previous relationship ended and what reasons were given - I'm not justifying the XP's behaviour, simply trying to see things from her point of view, after all, breaks ups are usually complex and not always black and white.

As for the XP, she is being criticised for sponging from the DH and, when she tells him where to stick his cash, she's being accused of not putting her children first? It seems she can't win either way really.

I think it would be sad if she denied the DC an opportunity to see the DH, if that's what they want, but she's not neccesarily throwing her toys out of the pram. Maybe she just needs to get all this mess sorted out first so that she can move on, both physically and emotionally.

The OP talks a lot about money. If the XP was merely a gold digger, why didn't she have a baby with DH when they were together? I thought the OP said her DH was desperate for one of his own? Why didn't she marry her so that she had some legal protection?

I don't know the answer to all this, I'm simply saying that we're only seeing it from one point of view and perhaps the XP isn't the devil incarnate?

Perhaps she no long wants to feel financially beholden to a man who left her and the children after 10 years to set up home with another woman within a matter of months? Perhaps she feels that the privilege of a private education for her children doesn't balance against continued bitterness the status quo is obviously causing?

As I SAID read all the thread! as its neither here nor their, the mother HAS! stopped contact with the father, withdrawn them from the school and also refused any of the conditions that the OP's partner has made, simply because he is now refusing to give her any more money other then the home, allowance, child trust funds that he is already giving her/them! she wants more! and is doing nothing to help herself!

He cannot tell the children off, or set boundaries, as if he does and the mother stops contact or make it difficult! for him.

How on earth is this man spineless, he supports children and his ex, which he legally has nothing to do with, he fell out of love with her, nothing wrong with that, he did not just up and leave either, he has days where he has the children which he always sticks too, take the children on holidays, day trips, etc.... alot more which can be said for some fathers!

I really think people need to take the blinkers off!

Wubblybubbly, I can see your point, but you do not do it all in one go, especially where children are concerned, they now have to content with, not seeing their father, moving home and school, move to a new home and school, leaving all their friends all of what they are used too (dances classes etc)it one highly disturbed individual to do this intentionally, when this man is being reasonable.
I also think that the fact that she has done nothing to help her situation, also proves that she has took the humph!

She has in no way whatsoever fought of her children and their needs and wants.

"thought" of her children's needs and wants.

Either they're a nuisance or the contact has stopped?

In an ideal world, no you wouldn't do it all at the same time, but by the sounds of things the XP isn't the one who put them in this situation, she's merely having to deal with the aftermath.

She may well not have handled it well, I'm not sure I would be particularly gracious either in her circumstances.

It's easy to say after 2 years she should be over it, but we don't know how it ended for her. Did the DH drop this bombshell out of the blue? Did she think they were happy?

Also, what has been happening in the two years since that have allowed this situation to fester so badly? If the OP and her DH are in the law business, could this not all have been resolved before now?

From what I've read, the OP doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy for these children, frequently talking about the space and things they have in her house, suggesting that her DH cuts all contact and turns out onto the street children he's been a Daddy to for 12 years, despite that fact that they're both 'super high earners' FFS!

Okay, it's possibly understandable that the OP isn't happy with the spitting and stealing, but I wonder which occured first, the bad behaviour or the DC feeling a little unwelcome in their Daddy's new family?

As I said PP, read the thread, the mother is being a nuisance and has stopped contact with the father, also took the children out of the private education by contacting the head of the school and told him to refund the rest of the school term, she has stopped the children's going to their dance class.

the father has put 100k in a trust fund for the children, has told the ex she has to pay a nominal fee of £1 through the estate agent, as she keeps contacting him, and being abusive in the phone calls, he is also paying maintenance for the children through the trust funds and holidays through the school.
also taking the children in holidays, The only thing he is NOT doing is giving the EX money, but he is has more then enough providing for the children.

I agree the children need to take priority and I have stated repeatedly that I did not agree with the OP posts, but did see a desperate and frustrated woman from them.

Her and her DH have no legal rights or parental responsibility towards the children, so cannot do anything that can be submitted in court.

I think if your repeatedly being seen at the "OW" and also for the past 2 years been beating f=down relentless, we will then only see the negatives from the situation.
she also has her own children to think about, her child/ren need to be her priority and you me or any tom, dick or harry with withstand being spit at, called names, be stole from in front of their children.

Whether this woman is over her Ex or not is irrelevant tbh, she cannot live her life through this man, and needs to take provisions to support herself and her children herself, and not rely on her EX.

This man has made provision for his and her hildren, just not for her, and she has now took one major deplorable decision and this is what ultimately will affect their children no end, all by the looks of it through greed.

She may have feeling for the EX, but that cannot be blamed on the Ex for the rest of his life.

' Her dh cannot tell the children off and neither can she as she will only get abuse! The dh cannot as if he does the "mother" stops contact!

I have read the whole thread! The man is spineless. Of course he can tell them off. Nobody spits at me, in my own home or elsewhere! They need ground rules when they see the DCs.
DCs come first in my view-they are the ones that get mucked up by adults. You don't abandon DC that you have parented-the love should be unconditional. I don't love my DCs if they are 'nice.
The bottom line is that OP took on a man with DCs-they came together.It is a bit late to say now -I want him to be a father to my DCs and he can get rid of his because he isn't the biological father and it doesn't matter!

the OP posted "her" house , because its hers ,the ex is living in the DHS and he moved to a flat when they split, then in with the op. I think that the fact the exs children have bedrooms in the OPs house actually shows that she does infact care about these teenagers and has <span class="italic">tried</span> to welcome them into her family. The fact they are behaving like spoiled brats now, has made her sick to the back teeth with the hassle. Had the op not been pregnant and hormonal i doubt she would have worded her op as badly.( but then to concider something only means you would think about it ....it doesnt mean youd insist on it.)
i do not think that anyone in their right mind would verbaly abuse a eight- months pregnant woman never mind spit on them and be expect her to be "fine" with it. Its disgusting behaviour imo.
If someone (a stranger) had abused and spat on her in the street and called her a slapper then you would rightly think it terrible.
I dont think the morally right argument would apply under the circumstances , actually i think the DH should tell the teenagers that he is under no obligations to do anything for them or their mother, but does so because he cares about them, but if they continue to abuse his wife and her child (& baby )then he will stop. Its not little kids at 3&4 here.

bangs head against brick wall!

clearly you haven't or you would not be saying this drivel!

Banging my head against a brick wall!
There is one point only:

The man was a parent from babyhood to teenage and he can't suddenly stop when he meets someone new who knew from the outset that he came with baggage.

I agree that the situation is unbearable, but they need a joint front and they don't accept the bad behaviour. Spitting is unacceptable-end of story!

LMH I know that the OP said DH had been paying 'paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides' but I'm not quite sure what this means. Anything at all would be above CSA rates, as he's not legally bound to pay anything.

Whatever the deal in the last 2 years, it has obviously hasn't help avoid this conflict and disharmony

It's got nothing to do with the courts, they have no juristiction in this case.

The legal agreements I'm talking about are the the trust fund etc, which is only now being discussed and is not in place, why, has this taken 2 years, despite the fact that both the OP and her DH are 'in the Law business'?

I'm playing devils advocate here, but perhaps it has been difficult for the XP to maintain finacial commitments from before the split if she hasn't had any guarantee of income to meet those commitments, it would be enormously worrying.

Having said all of this, I find it odd that the XP is now telling the DH to stick his money at just the point when it's about to become legally binding. Why would she do that if she's a gold digger?

I think it's difficult to make any assumptions when we're only getting one side of the story.

at spelling and grammar in last post - being kicked off laptop now so my DS can play Cbeebies games

you do have a point wubbly - re the xp finding things more difficult financially ,of course she would, but why on earth has she not fould herself a job? surely that would help. that is the reason i called her a golddigger- she doesnt want to support herself and has expected to be looked after. Her kids are weapons to her imo. She told her ex to stick his money at the point its about to be legally binding because it has nothing for her , just the kids.if she signs it then she has agreed that he wont give her any more money.

fould ? "find"

It's very upsetting for children to "lose" their father to another family. Even two years on, and considering their ages, I don't find it surprising or particularly shocking that they would act angrily and even abusively toward their "stepmum."

Clearly their father (biological or no) must take them in hand and ensure that they control their behaviour. But it's very unreasonable to suggest these children should be cast adrift.

Perhaps the OP's super high earner should put some of his money to good use and get an agreement that means something in law.

pp , the dh tried to get rights to the children but was told no , because hes not the bio dad.He has also tried to get finacial agreement with the ex where he "provides for the teenagers" pays for school , ect but the ex has said no and has went mental and withdrew the kids from school ect.Because he wont provide (anymore)for her imo. i mean who runs up 7k of debt on credit cards after you split from a partner? you just dont do that , you try and be careful with money because your unsure of what going to happen.. the mand damed if he does and damed if he doesnt. i actually feel sorry for him

With regard to my DD - I completely support her. Ironcially enough, I'm also providing some funds for her bio dad to do a degree at the moment.. FGS - I couldn't make it up if I tried

I have done my best with DH's step kids - I am only human - let them decorate and funish their bedrooms in our house, involved them in where to go on family hols, hosted parties here for their mates...

And to be fair, DH does try and keep them under control and does tell them off - but it is hard, because (if you ask me) they are totally screwed up by their mum.

Anyway, Drlove8 is right - the reason she doesnt' like the proposed offer is that it is FAR FAR LESS cash than she has been getting for the last 2 years.

DH is opposed to signing over the house - I think I did suggest it at one point, but am surprised by how many posters have said, he is a high earner, he should give her the house...

The house is worth, even with falling prices, in excess of £3m. In 5 yrs time, the children will be adults, and his ex woudl be home alone in a free house, while we worked to pay off our mortgage - no she wouldn't be home alone - she'd sell it, I suspect, to fun another handbag spree...

Thanks for all the replies!

You all sound as though you have far too much money.
I'm on an above average income but don't know anyone whose house is worth a quarter of that.

"The" house is worth 3 million FFS! . YOU ARE JOKING ????? . sell the house and buy her a smaller more affordable house .- 3 bed semi would be a generous offer. then she'll be able to keep up with the running costs of the house.
How big is a gas bill for a 3 million house?
Is "THE HOUSE" bigger than your hows btw?

house not hows

shes making it up?