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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding/bridesmaid one!

140 replies

weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 17:55

Have namechanged for this. I am getting married in the summer and am having several grown up bridesmaids. They are all good friends of mine. Since asking them one has fallen pregnant with her first baby, I am absolutely thrilled for her but am a bit concerned about the wedding. She is due 3 weeks before the wedding and IMO will not really be available for bridesmaids duties (i.e helping organise people, getting ready with me for a few hours etc) as her priority will be quite rightly her new baby. She however doesn't see this and thinks there won't be a problem. I still want her to be involved but perhaps as a more honorary bridesmaid therefore leaving her free to come and go with the baby etc. I just think she is not being very realistic about how much attention a newborn will need over the course of the day, she is planning on breastfeeding.

OP posts:
cookielove · 08/01/2010 17:58

So what is the question?

MrsBadger · 08/01/2010 17:59

give her the choice
ie let her stay a bridesmaid if she wants but ffs don;t give her any 'duties' apart from following you into the church - the other two should be able to cover buttoning your dress and arranging your veil between them.

MamaG · 08/01/2010 17:59

bridesmaids are chosen because you love them and want them to share in your day

not so they can skivvy for you

stop being precious

WidowWadman · 08/01/2010 17:59

Er, what's the problem? Just let her be bridesmaid but don't overload her with duties. Breastfeeding won;t get in the way of lucking pretty on the photos.

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:01

hmm yes the question I suppose is AIBU for thinking it would be easier all round if she wasn't a bridesmaid.

mrsbadger - the wedding is quite homespun and we are actually relying on bmaids and ushers etc to help us do quite a few jobs on the day.

OP posts:
henryhuggins · 08/01/2010 18:01

duties for bridesmaids? This is 2010 not the Victorian period!

shootfromthehip · 08/01/2010 18:02

That is a tricky one... I think you should accept that you have asked her and she has accepted and still wants to do it. It will cause practical problems re the dress etc but honestly, unless you want to fall out with her big time, I don't see how you can ask her to 'resign'

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2010 18:04

I was a bridesmaid 5 weeks after DS was born. It was me and 2 friends as BMs, the 4 of us (including the bride) were uni friends, flatmates for 3 years and are still all close. Bride did suggest to me that it might be too much for me and I was really really really upset to think she might exclude me. Talked it over with other BMs and they said she was only thinking of me, as you are, but it felt very hurtful. In the end she reassured me she wanted me to be a BM as long as I wanted to do it, and was only thinking of me, but it made me wobble a bit, and feel like as I was the one having a baby I was being pushed out Unreasonable I know but I was pregnant after all.

I think bride was also stressing as I didn't know what size BM dress to buy.

In the end I ordered a very big dress and had it taken in, I did my own hair at home rather than go with the girls to the hairdresser, and DH was in charge of DS from when we arrived. He brought him up to me for a BF in the hotel room before the ceremony and it was fine. I'm not sure what BMs are really supposed to be 'on duty' for anyway, there isn't much actually involved.

So....don't ask her not to be your BM, if she's busy with the baby just deal with it, you have others.

MrsBadger · 08/01/2010 18:04

if you are worried that the two remaining bridesmaids won't be able to deal with the amount of work you are expecting them to do then I can only suggest that you draft in someone else - eitehr another bridesmaid, an usher, or a matron of honour

wonderingwondering · 08/01/2010 18:05

Umm, the baby cd be up to 2 weeks late... she may have just come out of hosp, still be bleeding, struggling with sleep-deprivation, feeding. Or she may be fine.

But with my second, I didn't go to a wedding, and nor did my DH, when the baby was three weeks old as I just didn't want the hassle and didn't feel up to it.

Why don't you ask your friend to do a reading, if she feels like it? It takes the pressure off about fitting into a pre-purchased dress, too, she can just wear what she feels comfortable in and if she's up to participating in the ceremony on the day, she can.

scrappydappydoo · 08/01/2010 18:07

Well I do think that there is more to being a bridesmaid than just all the jobs... but I realise that's not what you're saying/asking.
Are they any jobs you can allocate for her to do now - like researching bridesmaids dresses, shoes etc so that she can feel she's done her 'bit' and then free her up in the weeks before the wedding. Or are there some things that if she drops can be picked up easily by someone else?

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:07

That's all well and good Mrs Badger but buying outfits etc for the wedding party all adds up!

OP posts:
MrsBadger · 08/01/2010 18:10

so what exactly are you expecting them to do??

if the wedding is so 'homespun' that you need friends and family to work for it then dresses / suits / corsgaes are the price you pay

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2010 18:10

Whatever - if you ask her to step down you will probably really hurt her feelings. On your head be it

rubyslippers · 08/01/2010 18:11

do bridesmaids have duties? really ...

when i was a bridesmaid for my friend i held her skirt up when she went to the loo

if you are having several grown up bridesmaids and ushers then there is no issue surely as you aren't going to be short of help

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:11

kat - I see your point but I suppose all the getting ready together stuff is part and parcel of being a BM IMO otherwise it's just someone walking down the aisle behind you.

wondering - those are also concerns, especially with 1st babies often being late.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 08/01/2010 18:12

So what would be the difference between her being an 'honorary' bridesmaid and an actual one - apart from all the 'duties' that you would be asking her to do? Is it the dress?

rubyslippers · 08/01/2010 18:12

so what if she "only" walks down the aisle

she is your friend - i assume that is why you asked her to be your bridesmaid not so she could spend the day directing guests to their seats etc

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2010 18:12

Look at coast or monsoon online sales and buy your dresses that way so if necessary you can afford an extra dress if you know anyone else who can help. I was a matron of honour last year along with another friend and we wore our own dresses. But then the bridesmaids were children so it didn't look weird.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2010 18:16

FFS
whatever. You are being bridezilla and ridiculous. Either she's your friend or she isn't. If she is you will get over the fact that she can't get ready with you and just accept it. Or if not you can tell her to step down and hurt her feelings.

Whatever - seriously.

thesecondcoming · 08/01/2010 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TootaLaFruit · 08/01/2010 18:16

Agree that she won't be able to help out as much as she thinks she will, but I also agree that bridesmaids are not there to be ordered about and do things for the bride all day. A friend of mine recently made me maid of honour and then laid the whole 'no kids' thing on us, which was fine, but I soon realised that she expected me to basically hold her handbag all day, follow her around getting drinks, and be a sounding-board for when things weren't going well and when she was drunk.
I didn't make my bridesmaids do anything of the sort and, frankly, its not much of an honour to be asked if you then can't enjoy the day. Let your friend be a bridesmaid, and I'm sure her job will be keeping guests happy by showing off a lovely little baby. YABU.

nancydrewrocks · 08/01/2010 18:16

I was a bridesmaid when DC2 was 3 weeks old. I had a 15mth old and we flew to Italy (do I get a badge? )

There is more to being a bridesmaid than chores .Presumably you could allocate her jobs to a family member/other friend without making them a bridesmaid and your pregnant friend could still be part of the wedding party and help as much as she is able.

I would have been gutted if my friend had asked me to step down and I believe my friend was thrilled that I'd made such an effort whilst I was thrilled to have been a part of her special day.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2010 18:17

So - baby is late, and she ducks out. What's the problem?

yama · 08/01/2010 18:17

Put youself in her shoes - will she be hurt if you ask her not to be bm?

I was asked when I was pregnant and I will never forget how happy it made me just to be asked. I did feel a bit guilty that I couldn't help out as much as the other bm's but then my friend's mum sent me a special thank you card recognising all that I had done whilst looking after a small baby.