Another wedding/bridesmaid one!

[weddingdilemma]

Have namechanged for this. I am getting married in the summer and am having several grown up bridesmaids. They are all good friends of mine. Since asking them one has fallen pregnant with her first baby, I am absolutely thrilled for her but am a bit concerned about the wedding. She is due 3 weeks before the wedding and IMO will not really be available for bridesmaids duties (i.e helping organise people, getting ready with me for a few hours etc) as her priority will be quite rightly her new baby. She however doesn't see this and thinks there won't be a problem. I still want her to be involved but perhaps as a more honorary bridesmaid therefore leaving her free to come and go with the baby etc. I just think she is not being very realistic about how much attention a newborn will need over the course of the day, she is planning on breastfeeding.

Well I think YABU.........and a bitch..........and a bridezilla........and a bot precious!

Or you could ask her to be a witness. No pressure, just a really nice and significant thing to do.

I am genuinely staggered that a grown woman would not want a baby carried down the aisle because it might detract attention from her. That really is deeply, deeply silly. I'm embarrassed for anyone who would think that, truly I am.

"It's your day and you're entitled to have it exactly as you like"

Noooooooo. Nobody gets a day.

If you think you get a day all for yourself where you just please yourself and everyone else has to dance to your tune, then are a Bridezilla.

Not saying OP is like this.

Why should a bride have a baby carried down the aisle? If the baby is gurgling contentedly as the bride and BM/mother arrive, then why not. But to assume that will be OK and for to be the basis on which the friend will be BM is barmy.

The DP is best man, so unless someone else is willing to childmind for a significant part of the day (a big ask with a week or two old baby, esp if people are meant to be relaxing and enjoying themselves) the BM isn't going to be able to be a BM (as in walk down the aisle, make a fuss of the bride).

So you are left with a grown woman with little more than the title of BM. To what end? And possibly an ill-fitting dress that she's stressed over getting in to.

I'm surprised how many people think a mother of a week old baby with no support from parents or DP on the day, can be a BM!

OK, I kind of see where weddingdilemma is coming from here, but do agree this issue has to be handled sensitively.

This is the OP's wedding day and why shouldn't she want things a certain way? I don't think that's being brideszilla like (sp?) at all! She is trying to plan as much as she can to ensure her friend can still be a bm by trying to take into account what her friend's needs will be. I don't see why she's getting so many negative comments tbh.

OP- the only think you can really do is to chat with your friend about the details for how things will go on the day, should the baby have arrived. It's very likely that she hasn't thought about the practicalities so early on. If you were my friend, I would still want to be a part of the day, but would be keen to make plans to ensure things ran smoothly and as you wanted. I certainly wouldn't expect to carry the baby up the isle with me!

Afterall, it's your wedding day and yes, it's the 'duty' of all the bridesmaids to ensure it happens as you want it to.

why misquote me skidoodle? did you not notice the 'within reason'? and the wee yellow winking face?

surely a bride is allowed to feel that's it's her 'day'? why on earth not?

from what i can see the OP is trying to do the right thing, and i don't see anything bridezilla-ish about her! agree with what wondering said in her last post too

it's not a 'significant part of the day', it's half hour tops. Why shouldn't they ask someone else that the BM knows to be in charge of the baby for the service?

The BM has the title of BM (I really don't know what more there is to it, what are these 'duties'?) because she is close to the bride, and to ask her to step down might hurt her feelings.

Uuggh I deplore bridezillas. And bridezilla apologists.

You are over thinking it all and given that you haven't got kids yourself, you're not really qualified to tell someone else how they may or may not be feeling. You need to chill, order the dress and stop stressing. What is more important to you - being the centre of attention, having had a load of people follow your precise orders and instructions in order to fulfil their 'duties', or have a fab day surrounded by the friends who love you and are happy to cope with leaky nipples just to be by your side ?

It's a non stress - it really is.

There is no "within reason" attached to an idea as unreasonable as "it's my day"

Why should anyone ever feel that it's their day? Whatever for?

I was asked to be a bridesmaid and my baby was due two days after the wedding date. The bride was lovely in saying I should do what I wanted, the budget for the dress was x and I could wear what I wanted. I did buy a dress but in the end decided that I should pull out. Dress was returned for a full refund (it was off the peg).

BUT come the wedding we were seated in a back corner (she obviously thought we might not be there) and when the thank yous were done I was not acknowledged even though I had done the most running around/doing stuff of all the bridesmaids and that made me sad, and could have easily been avoided.

"She is due 3 weeks before the wedding and IMO will not really be available for bridesmaids duties (i.e helping organise people, getting ready with me for a few hours etc)"

from the OP. Sorry but yes, if this is still the reason you're asking if you're BU, then you are.

If the reason is what it's turned into over the course of the thread, that perhaps the new mum will be unable to fit into a dress, or feel pressured into being a BM when she won't feel like it anymore, then that's different. It's very possible she'll feel that way by that time. Unfortunately, she has no idea what it will be like (assuming she's a first time mum!) She could be ready to go straightaway, or she could not want to leave the house for a month.

As for the stuff about 'duties' as a BM, I'm with most other posters in that I just think this is unreasonable. Surely the other BMs can plan parties etc, if this is what you need from them. My husband and I each had one attendant on the day (in Germany, not really done to have more than one each) and any errands that needed doing on the morning were run by other close friends or family members. Does everyone need a title? It's your wedding day, but these people are still your friends. If they know you need some flowers picked up, or an aunt driven from point A to point B at some point, surely they will do it without saying "but, isn't this something that slacking new mum BM you've got should be doing??"

{{dons flame-retardant suit}}

What's so unreasonable about the bride not wanting a three-week-old baby in her wedding? Because that's what's gonna happen. There's NO WAY that new mama is going to leave her newborn with a sitter. Nor should she...she should just bow out of being a bridesmaid right now.

Would anyone here want a (possibly) screaming baby piercing the eardrums of everyone at the ceremony? This is a wedding, not a nursery school.

And, yes, it IS the bride's day. Her wedding, her rules. That's why I would NEVER EVER agree to be a bridesmaid.

So, to the OP....YANBU. Not by a long shot.

I find this whole "oh the new mum will be tired/emotional/bleading/leaking/fat/miserable tone incredibly patronising.

Yes some new mums will be some or maybe all of those things after their baby is born. Many will not. There is a fine line between being generous and dismissive. It is kind to consider that your friend may not be up to it, it is rude to assume that she will be incapable or that she'll have pushed out her brain with the baby and be incapable of thinking for herself in anyway what so ever.

It does alter the situation now you have disclosed that the DP is best man (interesting that there is no discussion of him standing down so he can deal with childcare whilst wife is BM!)

However I would be amazed if another friend wasn't prepared to look after the baby whilst the ceremony is taking place (we had a queue of men wanting to push DC round the plaza to avoid sitting through looooooong catholic ceremony!)

None of this stuff is a big deal so allow your friend to make some decisions and take some responsibility for her self - she is an adult. Unless of course this is catually about you not wanting a (no doubt very cute newborn) baby detracting from "your day" in which case prepare to find yourself BM-les, best man less and friendless!

FWIW for our dresses we had a v-neck with tie up halter neck which made BF easy and we bought the dress a size bigger than my pre-preg size.

weddingdilemma, I think people are being incredibly rude and unsupportive about this!

Your dilemma seems to be that you don't want your friend to feel railroaded into carrying out duties at your wedding just because she had agreed to do these in her naive pre-birth days.

I would carry on with your plans as normal, include her fully in these as with other bridesmaids, but have a contigency plan (or step in person) in your head.

Once she has had the baby, I would speak to her, lots of congratulations and let her know you would love to have her at your wedding if she still feels up to it, not to worry about the duties, as XX is fine with doing them if she feels it might be too much, and just emphasis that she should come along and just enjoy the day as an honorary BM.

I don't think she will realise how tricky this may be until she as actually had the baby.

weddingdilemma is there any way that you could just let her be a bridesmaid but not totally count on her for anything on the actual day? I mean that if she does have the baby or is in labour or is on bedrest or whatever could happen that there is no dilemma, just one less person walking down the aisle? you might have to make similar precautions for the best man (for example, if she goes into labour on that day, I presume she will want him there).
I just know that if it were me in this situation (as the bridesmaid) I would also have felt "how in the world is a baby going to impact my ability to be in a wedding?" i had no clue despite having experience as a nanny, being a teacher...etc. Just no clue. But I would have been so hurt if my friend just took me out of her wedding because of what might happen.

It might be fine. She might not even be clse to labouring at that point (3 weeks before) and she may be able to help out and be there for you just as she plans. If something does happen, it's probably best for you to be prepared so that you're not depending on her. is that possible?

Haven't read all the thread but this bridesmaid reminds me of the thread in classics about the daftest thing you said about life with a new baby - people were going to do degrees etc while on maternity leave because "all babies do is sleep."

I can imagine her posting on there in a few years time: "I can't believe I got in a real strop because my mate suggested I might not be up to being a bridesmaid three weeks after giving birth; that I might want to concentrate on my baby rather than her wedding. She even had the audacity to suggest I might not be back to a size eight by then! So my mate apologised profusely, bought me a £200 size 8 dress, and I didn't get out of my size 16 pyjamas for four months hahaha."

Not sure what you do about it though OP...

ohhhh sorry OP I read the op incorrectly
I thought she was due 3 weeks after your wedding.
Ok, so she'll definitely have the baby by then. So she could either have just given birth or she could have had the baby for between 3-5 weeks (if no other complications).

Well, I would have thought, while pg that I could just leave ds in the maxi cosi during the ceremony... but in reality, I couldn't even leave him in the bouncy chair or anywhere but in my arms for longer than a few minutes... she could have an easygoing baby, though... but at that age I guess anyone could hold the baby for a bit while she walks down the aisle. hmmm sorry. All I can say is that she won't now how the baby will impact her life and your day until s/he arrives. I certainly didn't. You are thoughtful to be considering her and not wanting to overwhelm her, but she doesn't and won't know how a baby will impact things until the baby's arrival. I stick with my other advice. Let her be involved but arrange it so that she is not responsible for anything and so that the wedding will be able to go on without her if necessary.

she won't know

I woulddo the following:

1. A straight up, honest but ever so tactful and reassuring conversation with your friend where you ask her to simply CONSIDER the situation for a couple of weeks.

1. If your friend still wishes to be a BM, you take her to be fitted but ask the fitters to consider BM's potential larger size (I was one of those lucky b*tches whose weight melted off straight after birth but by week three I was still a dress size bigger than normal).

1. You have the dress ordered in a bigger size and fitted at the v last minute (usually they are done about two weeks before the wedding but a good shop/boutique/whatever will try to make allowances for this and do your friend;sdress last).

1. Completely rule her out of any on-the-day chores but if you still want her involved ask her to help with any stuff in the longer run up to the wedding.

1. Ask a mutual friend to have the baby until after the walk up the aisle. She can still sit with the baby during the service, and I'm sure if it cries she will be fine to take it outside! Being in a BM dress will not stop her from looking after the baby for the majority of the day. And the Best Man can take turns too...

'She' in point five is your friend not the mutual baby-holding friend... that might be asking a little too much!

But she hasn't just said duties - also spending time getting ready.

I got married last year and loved the morning part, where we got ready slowly and at our leisure, having a laugh and excluding everyone else.

At the risk of sounding like Bridezilla (which I assure you I wasn't), this part was really important to me, esp as two of my bm's live abroad - even now that I have a dd I don't think I would necessarily have wanted one of my bm's to not be there/have a baby perhaps crying/her attention focused on something else - and obviously something more important.

I'm just not sure I would've wanted to feel that something was more important then me, in my house, with my friends on my wedding day. The only few hours of my life when I have EVER felt that way.

What's wrong with that? I think you have to be careful about not hurting her feelings though. A hard one imho

Thanks for all your responses. As for the person who asked why we were focussing on the BM rather tan the best man as having most responsibility ofr the baby, it's because she has said she's going to breastfeed.