Another wedding/bridesmaid one!

[weddingdilemma]

Have namechanged for this. I am getting married in the summer and am having several grown up bridesmaids. They are all good friends of mine. Since asking them one has fallen pregnant with her first baby, I am absolutely thrilled for her but am a bit concerned about the wedding. She is due 3 weeks before the wedding and IMO will not really be available for bridesmaids duties (i.e helping organise people, getting ready with me for a few hours etc) as her priority will be quite rightly her new baby. She however doesn't see this and thinks there won't be a problem. I still want her to be involved but perhaps as a more honorary bridesmaid therefore leaving her free to come and go with the baby etc. I just think she is not being very realistic about how much attention a newborn will need over the course of the day, she is planning on breastfeeding.

have you thought about other people chipping in with the childcare? it doesn;t have to be just your BM and her DP shouldering all the responsibility. i'm sure there will be willing hands for nappy changes/cuddling/general keeping an eye on at various stages of the wedding if they're experienced and well enough known to you or the BM and her DP. e.g if it had been me in your situation my mum and her female friends would've enjoyed cuddling a baby while baby's mum had a bit of a break and gets her hair done etc. Could the other BM's help?

Dress- get a big one and book in a fitting/altertion session a few days before the wedding.

choose style that's easy to zip down the top half for breastfeeding. can't imagine you could get BM dresses that have as easy access for breastfeeding as some normal dresses so your BM may have to slip away somewhere to BF otherwise she'll be half undressing in front of your guests.

i really don't see the problem. is she a generally capable kind of girl? if so, and as long as there's no problems with the birth or the baby she should be fine, although will probably take it easy on the champagne, frenetic dancing and leave early.

weddingdilemma I was amused (in a slightly tongue in cheek manner) that no one had questioned whether the Best Man might step down and shoulder the childcare duties - just seemed very typical example of how the responsibility is automatically considered to be that of the mother.

I appreciate that the baby is going to be BF but BF doesn't take all day - a feed before the service or a bottle of EBM are both ways of enabling your friend to be away from her baby for an hour if that is what she wants.

As I've said I speak from experience I was BF my 3 week old when I was BM at my best friends wedding. Deep down I expect my friend would have preferred if she hadn't had to accomodate a pram and a highchair for my 15mth old at the top table, HOWEVER that was how I come and I know she would have preferred me to be there as I was, than not be there at all.

Look I am going to be really blunt it sounds like you don't want her to be BM. You are continually making excuses as to why your friend is not going to be able to fulfil her role. If you would prefer her not to be then be honest. But if you both want it then there is no reason why it cannot happen. She is having a baby not life threatening brain surgery.

Lindy it is interesting that you say how important that the getting ready was for you and that it was important because your BM's live abroad.

It sounds like people are getting someONE and someTHING confused. If your bridesmaids are important to you as people then you have them there regardless of the inconvenience or the risk they may have to pull out.

If the IDEA of a girly make up session with a couple of friends making you feel special is important then sure get rid of the real friend and have some random girl who will behave in the prescribed manner. Hell why not just hire actresses - then they can do and say exactly as you please and no risk of you being anything other than the star player.

If it was me I would "step down"-and hope that 3wks after giving birth I was well/organised enough to go to the wedding!

I think yanbu OP but I also think your friend is NBU, too. I think she might just not realize what it's going to be like. Sorry if that sounds patronizing to whomever said that before. But that was me. I just had NO idea how tired, sore (especially from difficulties with bf and cut, chapped, bleeding nipples...)... I was still unable to sit down comfortably at 3 weeks post birth. But by that time I was back to my normal size. Anything could happen. Maybe she just doesn't realise that...?

But OP I can see you are just trying to do what's best for her as well and give her an out...etc. I don't see why people are labelling you bridezilla when you're actually trying to help your friend...

let her be bridesmaid. the dress may need adjustments but that's easy enough to fix a few days before the wedding day.

Definitely keep her as a bridesmaid - she would be gutted if you sacked her now - that's illegal in the workplace, isn't it? unfair dismissal for pregnancy, and let's be honest, smiling and being your chum and asking people to hush up for the speeches is much less demanding than a day at work. Let her be there in all the photos etc etc, but then she can slink off to feed whenever she needs to.
As a concession, can you ask her mum to come as a "guest" too - so can take the baby off her hands when she and you and all your DPs want to strut the funky goose-step on the dance-floor?
Have a lovely day and be careful not to turn into a Bridezilla - it happens to the best of us.

Lace up dresses are your friend (or hers).

As are clever spanx type knickers.

Hmm, maybe not lace up dresses for BFing.

Empire line it is then.

I got married on the 19th December and had one adult bridesmaid. My DS was 20 weeks and her DD2 was 12 weeks old. We are both fully breastfeeding. I needed my bridesmaid around from about 1030 when we went to the hairdresser because I didn't have a car, but then I didn't really need her again until 1400 when we were titivating our petticoats. Ceremony was 1600, dinner was 2000. Hen night was held mostly at her house having tea and cake and conversation in mid-Nov and our Hs took the babies away only for the later evening part.

At my wedding her DH had full responsibility of their older daughter (20 months) and mostly carried around DD2. They made sure he was sitting with someone without kids so that DD1 could be minded if he needed to step outside to soothe DD2. I think she breastfed once in the evening between ceremony and dinner. I certainly did before I started on the booze, and at about 2200 when I felt a bit engorged I disappeared for 20 mins to express off. I was wearing a bustier corset thing under a 50s-style frock - both had to come off in order to feed/pump, there was no 'lifting one's skirt to pee' about it! Her dress was a similar style but not exactly the same. See profile for pic.

Otherwise we had EBM carried around for our littlies and a full rota of friends and relatives ready to fully look after them for the 'on-show' period of the day. We had agency babysitters booked to look after them in our rooms in the hotel once we'd sat down for dinner. We'd prepared nappy-changing and EBM-feeding stuff in the bags (including an apron for the changer!) and we certainly didn't expect the babies to remain in a nice set of clothes all day (in fact my son did a spectacular crap early on, my MIL decided to do the change, didn't wear the apron and managed to get some poo on herself. She didn't have to change him though - there were others around who could have. Bad luck though. I think a wet wipe saved the day.)

All of the above should be suggested to your friend, OP. It's possible to participate in a wedding while breastfeeding but I acknowledge our two were older and more predictable than a 1-5wk old will be. If she doesn't appear to have understood how full-on it will be to look after her baby without much support on your wedding day, don't push it - but definitely don't expect anything important from her. As far as 'duties' go, in terms of the 'getting ready in the morning together' bit, I think it would be unreasonable to exclude her baby - that's assuming she does organise someone else to do the rocking / bottle feeding / etc during the ceremony.

Two other points -

1. Almost regardless of how challenging the late stages of her pregnancy and the birth will have been, it will be a huge confidence boost to her if she can put on a pretty dress and be in lots of pictures looking radiant and motherly supporting you on your wedding day. Sure, it's your special day, but you will feel like a good person if you can help her enjoy it too. It may be for her a milestone that she has fixed her mind on.
2. Photographers have a tendency to commandeer half of your reception with their pre-conceived list of standard wedding shots - even if you timetable nothing else with her in mind, get the official group shots out of the way quickly so she can go and breastfeed/change her supermaxitowel/freak out/reapply makeup/have a nap.

Have a lovely wedding, and sincerely I hope you enjoy yourself on the day. You are right to think through these things early on and try to plan for them to make the day go smoothly and stress-free stress-minimal for all.

I was in this situation, and was a bit relieved when my friend suggested I might not want to be bridesmaid any more. I have to say though, I was disappointed because I sort of suggested I could do a reading instead, and she never took me up on it. So I did feel a bit ditched.

OP is certainly not a bridezilla for being concerned about her friend and for wanting to have her wedding day go the way she'd like it to. Seriously, a newborn walking down the aisle? I've officially heard it all.

And I'm not sure what you all think bridesmaids should do exactly if not help the bride on the day - get drunk at the reception on the free booze and get off with the ushers? Not that I've ever done that.

Presumably, if this woman is a good friend, she will actually want to help OP on the day. It doesn't sound like OP is demanding she fulfil a list of duties, but rather (in the spirit of the role) help OP get ready, take care of a few unexpected hiccups, enjoy the day with her.

There are ways for the friend to participate without feeling the pressure of the day's events. Doing a reading is a good one, although could be scuppered by a screaming baby needing attention. But she could get stuck in with helping find the wedding dress, choosing theme/food, and all the other fun planning that goes before.

I'd certainly give her the option of bowing out, but be gracious if she says she wants to be BM. Tell her not to worry if she can't do more than sit in the vestry with the baby during the ceremony, and do as others suggest about BM dress and let her worry about it. Your plans don't have to work around her, let her make arrangements so that you aren't worrying about her or the baby.

All that said, I can't imagine having attended the opening of an envelope after my DS was born, as I spent the first 6 weeks feeding him on the sofa in my pyjamas. Your results may vary.

Op, YANBU, and I really think your bridesmaid should step down. If she goes 2 weeks overdue and ends up having emergency c-section she'll probably only just be out of hospital by the wedding day. She could be in that 3 day crying stage and to be honest it could be a total nightmare for her. You'll have to buy a massive dress in case she puts on loads of weight etc, and it could fit well post-birth, or it could be like a tent. If her DH is best-man then that is a more important job than bridesmaid (speaches etc) and whilst you're getting ready and absolutely bricking it, you really won't need a week old baby there screaming. I really think it would be too much. In all honesty, she may not be up to even attending the wedding, let alone being bridesmaid.

I did a reading three weeks after my baby was born. Sure, I was still bleeding, but no-one suggests you can't attend a wedding because you've got your period!

OP, how many other bridesmaids do you have? If you have "several", I don't see why you can't say to the others that your pg bridesmaid is excused from other duties, and will wear the frock and walk down the aisle etc without having to do much else? If you feel there's more work than the remaining bridesmaids can do (although mine just supplied champers and kept me company) then recruit another. If you've got a big do, we're only talking an extra £100 for the extra dress. If your others can do these "duties", let the pregnant friend have a free ride.

Dress wise, I suggest she orders it in the next size up. I was one of those irritating types who lost it all quickly but was still a size larger three weeks after. And get wraps - at least for her, if not for the others. If necessary, she can safety pin the back together and strategically position the wrap around her back

For the baby - s/he'll probably be in a car seat - is there really no-one who can sit with the baby, just in the ceremony, and be in charge of removing them if the baby kicks off? Three week old babies really don't care who they're with as long as they're nice to them. An aunt, a trusted friend?

And - don't suggest a reading as an alternative. You can, actually, do without one bridesmaid, but although it was an honour to do my lovely friend's reading, I was concerned that if I had a difficult birth and was unable to make it, that I'd ruin her day by having a stand-in (wrong name on order of service, no time to rehearse, etc)

Not read whole thread but have a dress solution (apologie if already been suggested or now irrelevant as thread has moved on)

When I got married i chose some fabric and then asked each of my bridesmaids to choose a pattern that they liked to have the dress made. So they all had the same material but each had a different dress design to suit them.

Why not do this - much much cheaper than most bridesmaids dresses too! As they all lived a long way from each other (including my sis in new zealand!) I got them each to get the dress made locally and I paid for the costs of this.

Your friends will all have dresses in a style they like and might actually wear again and your friend who will be immediately postnatal won't feel out of place in a different dress. She could have an empire line dress or something that is flattering over a blobby 'just pushed a baby out' tummy