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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding/bridesmaid one!

140 replies

weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 17:55

Have namechanged for this. I am getting married in the summer and am having several grown up bridesmaids. They are all good friends of mine. Since asking them one has fallen pregnant with her first baby, I am absolutely thrilled for her but am a bit concerned about the wedding. She is due 3 weeks before the wedding and IMO will not really be available for bridesmaids duties (i.e helping organise people, getting ready with me for a few hours etc) as her priority will be quite rightly her new baby. She however doesn't see this and thinks there won't be a problem. I still want her to be involved but perhaps as a more honorary bridesmaid therefore leaving her free to come and go with the baby etc. I just think she is not being very realistic about how much attention a newborn will need over the course of the day, she is planning on breastfeeding.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 08/01/2010 18:17

As she gets closer to the due date, and a bit bigger, she might be more conscious of practical constraints - like the dress size - and the idea of having a baby becomes more real.

I found at first the idea of a baby is so remote you can't really think about the practicalities. So take her shopping for dresses, keep her involved, but make it clear it is her decision - if she prefers to do a reading, or spectate, that's fine, or if she wants to dress up and walk down the aisle, also fine. It has to be up to her, really, it is quite harsh to un-invite her!

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:18

fallenmadonna - the dress is an issue but not a big one, more of a concern that I won't know what size she will be.

rubyslippers - I just don't want it to get to the day and me be worried about her, worrying about her baby. That is I fully expect the baby to be her no 1 priority but she is saying that having a newborn won't impact on what she can/can't join in with i.e getting ready together etc.

If she just want to walk down the aisle that is fine but at the moment she doesn't acknowledge that the baby will impact at all on what she will be doing.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2010 18:21

Well you know it will - so be a bit flexible with her. Where are you getting ready? No reason why the baby can't be there too, IIRC they tend to sleep a fair bit at that age, and are pretty portable.

cat64 · 08/01/2010 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:27

It's more about being involved than having chores! I just don't want to get to the day and have the situation where she feels that she has to be around for photos or the meal or somethjing like that when in fact she wants to take the baby out etc.

My current plan is to not say anything and just try and arrange things as flexibly as possible for her so she can do as much or as little as she wants.

Any ideas what I should do about the dress though??

OP posts:
traceybath · 08/01/2010 18:28

A friend was a bridesmaid a few weeks after having her first dc.

The bride left it up to her to choose and buy a dress - she just specified a colour.

I'd personally keep her as a bm but wouldn't plan on her doing any of the 'duties' and totally understand if she bowed out at the last minute.

Really - its not a biggie is it?

wonderingwondering · 08/01/2010 18:28

I can see where the OP is coming from. Having a new baby is all-consuming, being a bridesmaid should mean you focus on the bride and make her day special, with her at the centre of the BM's attention. So the two are possibly incompatible.

If she's just going to put on a dress and sit in a corner with a baby, what's the point, other than the BM title? And as a grown woman, I wouldn't have thought that was particularly important to her!

But it is for the friend to decide she can't be BM, not for her to be sacked, I think.

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:29

kat2907 - I don't have kids so I am not that great on what newborns do, I was concerned that she would need to be feeding very frequently and for quite a while each time. I would have no probs having little one their whilst we got ready I just thought she might find it all a bit much!

OP posts:
traceybath · 08/01/2010 18:30

Leave the dress up to her - give her a budget (assuming you're paying) and a colour and then its her problem.

Good luck.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/01/2010 18:31

I agree that fitting a dress is going to be impossible. but it isn't compulsory for bridesmaids all to be dressed the same. Why don't you take a relaxed approach to it all (surely a big advantage of a homespun wedding?) and if she is able to be there for all the getting ready stuff then that will be great, and if she isn't then surely it isn't the end of the world and it will be her choice.

nancydrewrocks · 08/01/2010 18:31

Cat64 as I said in my PP I would have been gutted if I'd been asked to step down. It really has to be the friends choice, surely?

Ok so I didn't look as good as I might have if I hadn't just given birth but you should also consider that lots of woman have uncomplicated deliveries and whilst they don't spring back to their prepregnancy size overnight a few weeks after the birth they can look reasonable - and who cares if they don't?!

I have to say that actually being a bridesmaid was fab - I got a mani and pedi, had my hair and make up done, wore a fab dress, was generally fussed over as was my DC whilst DH shouldered the bulk of the childcare, bringing DC over as and when feeding was required. It was a bit of a treat really .

OP Does your friend have a DP? Presumably he will be at the wedding and more than capable of looking after the baby for most of the time?

wonderingwondering · 08/01/2010 18:32

I wouldn't have a newborn there while I was getting ready! Yes, s/he may sleep, OR s/he may need feeding, cry, not like hairdryers, do an explosive poo, all at the least opportune moment!

While we can all be generous friends and considerate of our friends who are new mums, getting ready for your wedding is special. And an unpredictable newborn, that isn't your own, is not really part of that, I don't think.

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:32

cat64 and wondering - that is exactly where I am coming from. What I don't want is to buy a BM dress etc and then she decides/realises it will all be too much but feels she has to carry on becaue it's too late to back out, dress is bought etc.

OP posts:
PhaseolusLunatus · 08/01/2010 18:34

Unless you're going to ask someone else instead (to share the 'workload',) then this all seems a bit illogical. She'll 'worry' about her baby, if she can make it, so you won't have to.

If she can't make it, or can't fit into a dress you choose now, so be it. Either buy something more suitable (I'm sure your friend will be mindful of any extra expense this may incur), or get her to do a reading. These things are not set in stone, and can be altered at the last minute.

I wonder if what you are really worried about is micromanaging how your bridesmaids will look in the photo-lineup. Did you want them all looking the same?

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:35

Unfortunately her DP is Best Man!

wondering - I hadn't thought of explosive poo!

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 08/01/2010 18:36

I understand. I don't think you are being selfish or bridezilla, you are trying to be practical and realistic and so remove a possible source of stress to both of you at what will be a sensitive time - you pre-wedding, her post-birth.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 08/01/2010 18:37

In the great scheme of things, in terms of your wedding budget, would you really begrudge one dress if in the end she can't be a bridesmaid?

Also I hate this thing of bridesmaid 'duties' it's a load of old bollocks, you don't have to buy into it. Either you wholeheartedly want her as one of your wedding party or you don't - she doesn't earn her place through 'working'. Just err on the side of generosity to her and you will not go wrong.

traceybath · 08/01/2010 18:37

Could you also invite her mother perhaps to help with the baby.

Really just leave it up to her but do put the dress choice in her hands and suggest she may want a wrap if bf.

Her DH being bestman does complicate things slightly though

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:38

phaseolus - No they will definitely not all look the same!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 08/01/2010 18:39

hee hee hee

PhaseolusLunatus · 08/01/2010 18:41

Oh good!

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:41

lol at asking her mother - that would def put everyone's stress levels through the roof! It's not what you would call an easy relationship!

Maybe it is bridezillaish but I am not a fan of BM just wearing "normal" dresses and for my wedding I do wan't proper BM dresses! I am thinking some sort of empire line might be a good idea! Or maybe same fabric different styles?

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:42

wan't??? WTF

WANT

OP posts:
compo · 08/01/2010 18:44

It's up to her
I would ask her how sge wants to go about getting a dress
if she minds footing the bill if it needs altering
don't worry about the baby, that's her look out
and be prepared for her to cancel at the last minute
that's all you can do I'm afriad
don't get how she can look after the baby and walk down the aisle with you though if her dp is also best man unless she's bringing her mum or mil with her?!?

Original poster
weddingdilemma · 08/01/2010 18:44

cirrhosis - certainly wouldn't begrudge buying the dress, it's more that I don't want it to get to 2 weeks before and her to feel she HAS to be a BM when actually she is not feeling up to it. I want to say to her that the choice is hers and I won;t be offended if it is too much.

OP posts: