Another wedding/bridesmaid one!

[weddingdilemma]

Have namechanged for this. I am getting married in the summer and am having several grown up bridesmaids. They are all good friends of mine. Since asking them one has fallen pregnant with her first baby, I am absolutely thrilled for her but am a bit concerned about the wedding. She is due 3 weeks before the wedding and IMO will not really be available for bridesmaids duties (i.e helping organise people, getting ready with me for a few hours etc) as her priority will be quite rightly her new baby. She however doesn't see this and thinks there won't be a problem. I still want her to be involved but perhaps as a more honorary bridesmaid therefore leaving her free to come and go with the baby etc. I just think she is not being very realistic about how much attention a newborn will need over the course of the day, she is planning on breastfeeding.

Hully

I value you input cirrhosis but as you say we clearly have different views on certain things!

I think this is a genuine problem and I really do want to know what sort of wedding you are having? (I have one of my own to think about!)

mrsbadger - you couldn't be more wrong.

What duties do you envisage your bridesmaids and BM having?

I didn't have any bridesmaids and yet managed to get married and have a one year old DS - what did I miss out on?

OP please don't be upset by the facetious remarks. I want to help you (I am suitably qualified) but i do need to know what sort of affair it is to be.

So you all really think she should fork out for a bridesmaid dress that might never get worn?

I and DP both have large families meaning a fairly large wedding and due to location there is quite a lot or organisation in terms of transport, making sure everyone gets to the right place etc, not exactly duties but just helping things tick along.

to be perfectly honest, yes I think she should either fork out or sack the friend and risk offending her.

up to her which she chooses

thesecondcoming - thankyou!

mrsbadger - the forking out is not the issue!

I think she should give bridesmaid carte blanche to choose her own dress be it of a certain colour and budget.

Weddingdilemma - are you worried that the bridesmaid with new baby are going to take attention away from you? And I don't mean that in a snide way - I do actually think that your wedding day is the one day when you deserve to be the centre of attention

traceybath - In terms of walking down the aisle yes you're probably right and if that makes me a bridezilla in some peoples eyes then so be it.

well in that case fork out for the dress and let her take as large or small a role as she feels able on the day. Simples!

mrsbadger - I think that is what I said I would do on page 2!

splendid!

[dusts hands, leaves thread]

She will only be about 12 weeks pregnant now. By the time you go dress shopping she'll have thought about it more.

You take more notice of people with babies when you are pg - before, you kind of miss the fact that one or other parent was always away from the table and that 'quiet' baby was actually outside or in the hotel room for 90% of the day out/wedding/whatever.

I think if it was one of my bridesmaids, i would say to her.
"I remember how hard it was in the first few weeks, i was stressed, and felt like a zombie. BUT i can't imagine my wedding without you being involved. If you don't feel up to being a bm, i will understand." Something along those lines anyway.
What duties does your bm have? Planning a hen and holding up your skirt to pee? I am sure your other ones will manage that. You could fit the new baby into the wedding. a little white shawl and you have a flower girl/mini bm/pageboy and your friend can walk lo up the aisle with her?

Chill out OP.

You have two choices.

1. You can either leave things as they are and just be flexible; or

1. you can tell your friend you no longer want her to be bridesmaid.

You have to weigh up the potential fallout from using number 2 against the possibility that your wedding will not be quite as picture perfect if you go with number 1.

Ok so money isn't an issue, phew

lets hope she realises the issues , maybe if shd bottlefeeds she can leave child with her mum

The dress had detachable straps and the bride left it up to us whether we wanted straps or not. I wore straps as I had to wear a bra, as did one of the other big busted BMs. One didn't. It looked fine. She also suggested we bought gold shrugs to wear for later and we bought our own gold shoes so we didn't exactly match anyway.

I really promise it wasn't hard. DH stood at the back with DS in case he cried (although he slept through it). I know this isn't so easy as her DP is best man but surely you have another mutual friend who wouldn't mind being on baby duty? Ceremonies rarely last more than 30 minutes anyway. If she feeds first the baby will probably be asleep or at the least quiet.

So much of the important stuff a bridesmaid does happens before the wedding day - if she's not due until 3 weeks before the wedding she'll be well able to be a great support to you even if she does decide to totally cry off on the day.

If there are 2 other bridesmaids and you, the 4 of you will hopefully be having a lovely girly time of it over the next few months. There's no reason at all she should miss out of any of that, or that you should miss out on having her be a part of it.

I think the more you can be flexible about how things are on the wedding day, and accommodating to the people that are taking part, the more you and they will enjoy it.

You don't have to have a bridesmaid walking down the aisle with a baby, but you might have to have one that walks down the aisle and then goes to sit in a different pew with her baby.

god some people are being mean to you wd

i see where you're coming from - just give your friend the option of taking a step back if she wants to, but make it clear that you still do very much want her to be involved.

asaik, bridesmaids do have 'duties' - when i was my bf's bm i did as much as i could helping her get organised, going to fittings, picking her dress up, organising the hen party, etc etc - nothing life-changing but just stuff that helped her a little bit and freed her up.

and the getting ready together on the big day is probably the best part! and she might not feel fully part of it if her brand new baby is there, who would totally understandably be her main focus.

it doesn't sound like you are being a bridezilla, or even precious to me, just like a bridw who wants to do the right thing by her friend.

as for the dress - if it wasn't altered could you keep the receipt and return it if it turned out she didn't wear it after all? Or ebay, at a push?

good luck with whatever you decide. It's your day and you're entitled to have it exactly as you like. within reason

If it was my good friend, I would have her there as a BM with no duties and if at the last minute she couldn't then I would make sure she knew I was okay about it so as not to put any pressure on her {and mine was a DIY wedding too - so I understand that bit}. Isn't that what good friends do?