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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be put off by someone being too 'nice'?

126 replies

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:16

Just slap me and tell me to stop worrying please

I met this lovely guy on an internet dating site, and he has treated me like I have never been treated before...

-He wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner... this is the first time this has EVER happened to me
-He bought DS a lovely wooden train set for christmas.... even though he had never met DS
-He cooked me a candlelit meal, including dessert
-He bought me chocolates for after the meal, the kind that you have to unwrap...
-He actually won't let me open a door myself or pour my own drink
-When I invited him to mine for dinner he turned up early and waited outside so he arrived just on time
-He didn't try to kiss me until the stroke of midnight on NYE, when we shared our first kiss.

I just keep thinking that he is too nice...

Somebody slap me

OP posts:

FanjoForTheMankySocks · 04/01/2010 16:17

enjoy him!

CybilsDrivel · 04/01/2010 16:17

No he sounds perfectly normal to me. You ahve obviously only dated shits before

eastendmummy · 04/01/2010 16:17

He sounds wonderful! Go for it you lucky thing!

fernie3 · 04/01/2010 16:18

he sounds lovely!

Bonsoir · 04/01/2010 16:19

He sounds lovely! Lucky you!

Remember to give as good as you get, though, or he might feel disappointed (I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but...)

CirrhosisByTheSea · 04/01/2010 16:19

here you go

pass me his number if you decide he's too nice, I am married but that could change

He sounds great. I must say I would expect the extreme politeness (like waiting outside) to wane a little bit as time went on. I think it would be a sign of someone being very anal if he was to do that all the time.

All the rest, great, and can he give a few tips to my DH

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:23

I do try to give as good as I get... like when he didn't have a christmas tree I went and got him a little one with tinsel/baubles/lights etc and took it around for him and his son to decorate

And Cybils... shits isn't the word for the XPs I have

Yes, I think I am going to try to enjoy this, I am sure I will come around

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 04/01/2010 16:27

well there are several possible answers,

He could just be nice and be treating you like a princess. There are some people like that and there are those who enjoy being treated like that.

He could be someone is trying to be nice but unaware of whether it makes someone uncomfortable or not. I.e. his behaviour is about putting someone on a pedestal and this can make some feel like he is reacting to an image of them and not treating them like a real, equal human being or that he is treating them like they are incapable (especially with the not letting you pour your own drink).

He could be nice but trying so hard it comes over as false. Most people are subject to the strains and stresses of ordinary life and not 100% nice all the time. He may not react well to stress and to deal with it ignores it and pretends it isn't happening. This isn't good in the long term.

He could be putting this all on as an act and actually trying to make you feel incapable of doing any of this yourself and eventually reliant on him.

What it comes down to is why you feel he's being too nice. Is he ignoring your feelings on the subject or does he come across as false or trying to hard? Or is it that it is behaviour that you are not at all used to and so find strange in that respect?

fillybuster · 04/01/2010 16:28

You mean you're going out with someone who actually behaves properly and treats you decently? And this qualifies as 'too nice'?

[Hmm] Sounds to me as though you've been a bit short-changed previously...

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:33

I think what it is, I have never been bought chocolates before except on birthdays and other occasions... when I asked him what made him get them he said because it's what you do. and when I told him that I hadn't had that happen before he said it's nice to do things like that.

He does tell me that it won't always happen because he can't always afford to do it.

He seems really quite shy too, so maybe he uses it to show his affections too (and from what I can work out his XW expected it)

OP posts:

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:34

See, I knew it was just me being silly.

I was thinking it was quite normal for people to feel this way... 'nice guys finish last' and all that...?

OP posts:

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 04/01/2010 16:43

Bloody hell if you don't want him pass him this way!

A member of my family, due to death and divorce, is on her third and last husband, he's always buying her fresh flowers and chocolates and even after 5 years he calls her every day usually more than once to tell her he loves her. I'm half sickened and half jealous but she more than deserves it.

Whatever you do don't make him feel like his behaviour is wrong or unnecessary for "little old you" - let yourself be spoilt for once!

Fibilou · 04/01/2010 16:47

What a bastard

bubblagirl · 04/01/2010 16:49

i think if you have met your fair share of toads mr nice is going to seem weird

i met lots of horrible people and when met my dp found his niceness slightly off putting no chase etc and then realised how id felt with the others who did make me chase was rubbish they never took the time to make me feel special and none of them relationships lasted

so mr nice is with me not so nice after 6 yrs lol but still nice and all is great glad i have him and glad to be made to feel special

he sounds like what you need go for it be treated how women should be treated

MamaLazarou · 04/01/2010 16:49

He sounds lovely. Lucky you. I hope it works out.

lisasimpson · 04/01/2010 16:52

I don't know...ultra nice and shy would set off the alarm bells for me too tbh. Do you know his history?

muggglewump · 04/01/2010 16:57

That would put me off much past the first couple of dates. It's not because I don't think I deserve to be treated well, but I'm just not that nice all the time, and niceness isn't something I like really.

Kind, caring, decent, honest, faithful, generous, yes, but nice?

I like a good argument and a bitch, I like filth and dirty jokes, I like rough sex, I like someone who will tell me straight I'm wrong, I like someone who will choose what to do and I never get the feeling that really nice guys will do any of that.

I just don't think a nice guy would suit me.

piscesmoon · 04/01/2010 17:02

'Nice' sounds lovely to me.

lisasimpson · 04/01/2010 17:03

pmsl at "niceness isn't something I like really" you've hit the nail on the head - it's ok on occasion but not all the time.

Morloth · 04/01/2010 17:08

He might settle down a little bit over time. But dear lord how sweet is it to wait outside? So cute.

DH still turns up sometimes with flowers/chocolates/trinkets "just because" we have been together 13 years and married for 11.

I remember when we were dating a mutual male friend telling him off, because he was setting the standard too high for everyone else.

DH isn't particularly nice to other people, he saves it all for me.

MamaLazarou · 04/01/2010 17:09

Nice guys and dirty sex are not mutually exclusive, you know.

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 04/01/2010 17:11

It depends on how it makes you feel - are you instinctively creeped out? has he overstepped the mark in any way? if not, give him the benefit of the doubt and enjoy being spoiled.

I'm married to a "nice" man - sure, the arguments are non-existant and that sometimes frustrates me. Then I mentally slap myself and tell him I love him. I am totally spoiled and indulged, and I love every minute of it. Dh is nice yet straightforward - he's secure enough to let me have my own way unless something really matters to him - then we talk about it properly because I know I have to take it seriously. Big Cheer for Nice Men, I say!

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 04/01/2010 17:13

Big slap

The man I arranged was very nice and attentive on our first meeting. I was used to bad boys. I married him .

behonest · 04/01/2010 17:13

Well if he's faking it it will be hard to keep it up if it's an act. If he's just trying to get into your pants it may be worth the effort. So maybe make him wait as long as possible and see if he hangs around. Get to know him and take your time doing it don't rush into it. If he's not being himself he will trip himself up if your paying attention. If not and he's a really nice Guy enjoy the experience. I've heard stories both ways: one who ended up getting Maried to her Soulmate. The other didn't hear from him again after they bedded. You have a Child involved so you have to be that extra cautious.

I hope it works out for you and he's a good one.

fillybuster · 04/01/2010 17:14

My DH falls firmly into the 'nice' category. And I had big doubts early on because I was concerned he was 'too nice'.

For the record, he's exactly the right amount of nice. I still get random flowers/chocs/jewellery ("just because I love you") but he can stand his ground in an argument, loves a good gossip/bitching session, can make decisions and stand his ground, boss me about when necessary etc. And nice does not equal boring sex

So be careful about telling mr too nice to stop being so nice (or discouraging it) until you figure out what you really want.

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