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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be put off by someone being too 'nice'?

126 replies

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:16

Just slap me and tell me to stop worrying please

I met this lovely guy on an internet dating site, and he has treated me like I have never been treated before...

-He wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner... this is the first time this has EVER happened to me
-He bought DS a lovely wooden train set for christmas.... even though he had never met DS
-He cooked me a candlelit meal, including dessert
-He bought me chocolates for after the meal, the kind that you have to unwrap...
-He actually won't let me open a door myself or pour my own drink
-When I invited him to mine for dinner he turned up early and waited outside so he arrived just on time
-He didn't try to kiss me until the stroke of midnight on NYE, when we shared our first kiss.

I just keep thinking that he is too nice...

Somebody slap me

OP posts:
HallelujahHeisBorntoMary · 04/01/2010 17:16

I was concerned my fiance was too nice. 12 years of marriage later, and with the past 2 years being especially difficult, I know the true meaning of "for worse" in the marriage vows, and I thank God I picked a nice one!

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 04/01/2010 17:16

He also used to bring little gifts when we met on a Saturday, boxes of choc, little gift sets from the body shop, flowers. Even now 9 days short of 14 years later he still will bring me flowers for no reason other than he loves me.

Just enjoy the dates. You don't have to sign your life to his.

Heqet · 04/01/2010 17:17

How can someone be too nice? [boggle]

You daft thing! Nice should be what we all insist on! Then the shits of this world would be forced to change or die without a shag!

I think it's really sad that we don't all want/insist on nice. And that we even have to think twice about whether it's a good thing or not.

muggglewump · 04/01/2010 17:17

I think it's just that all the nice guys I've known have been a bit, well, wet, and that's not for me at all.

I got over the dating bad boys nonsense a long time ago, and of course would want a decent guy if I were looking, just not a really nice, sappy type, which is what I immediately thought when I read the OP.

He may not be like that at all, and even if he is, that maybe what the OP wants. I'd certainly go out with him again to get to know him better though. One date is too soon to tell.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 04/01/2010 17:19

Ugh, I should stop reading this thread, I've never so much as met any of these nice men of which you speak! (apart from the one married to my dsis) I've certainly never been bought anything "just because"

mrsasp · 04/01/2010 17:25

Message withdrawn

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 17:28

Mine is exactly like yours, voilaanothergimlet

I consider myself to be very lucky - another hurrah for nice men!

forehead · 04/01/2010 17:28

Muggglewump, don't you know that the nice, shy guys are usually the best in bed, My dh is testament to this.

mellifluouscauliflower · 04/01/2010 17:31

I met a man like this 15 years ago. My only complaint is that it did take him 9 years to propose.

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 18:12

Sackwise the nice ones are always very, erm, giving if you get my drift

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2010 18:18

The opening the door for you and pooring your drink would annoy the hell out of me.

But then I'm a stroppy old married cow, so ignore me!

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 18:21

Thing is if he is nice, as opposed to weird and controlling, when OP gets to know him better she can simply say "actually I'd like to pour my own drink" and he will say "OK fine".

No problem

BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 18:30

Have you only been out with wankers in times past? He sounds really sweet! I know what you mean when guys are sort of 'creepy too nice' but this doesn't sound like it.

emsyj · 04/01/2010 19:05

It is normal for a man to take you out and buy you dinner, you know... I didn't ever pay for dinner when I was dating DH. He has plenty of annoying habits, but all the things you list in your OP are quite normal things for a man to do in my experience. If he's creepy, then he's creepy - but if not, maybe you need to expect better and feel that you deserve to be treated well? And I don't agree that you need to reciprocate - he is ENJOYING taking you out and being nice to you! He LIKES you! He won't get fed up if you don't buy him random gifts etc. The being nice is, for men, its own reward. The best thing you can do is show that you are pleased when he does something lovely for you - that's what men really want I think. DH just beams when he does something that pleases me and I tell him how happy I am and how much I appreciate it. I'm sure this is the theory behind Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, but I haven't read it so not 100% sure... It seems to ring true in my experience anyway.

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 19:05

He doesn't seem to have many friends, just a few close ones he does games nights with.

He has only ever been with one woman and she is now with the guy she cheated on him with, that's why they split up.

I will meet his friends eventually, we have only been on 5 dates so it's still really early days.

The last guy I was seeing was really 'nice' and ended up cheating on me, but when I look back there were bit fat warning signs, I can't believe I didn't see it! It was all an act to get me into bed, unfortunately one that worked, I thought 2.5 months in I knew he was a good 'un only to find out 2 weeks later he was cheating

I am pretty sure this guy is completely different to the other guy, he is nice in a really innocent way... iyswim? Where as the other guy seemed really 'practiced' when I look back...

I am the first girl this guy has kissed in over a year

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 04/01/2010 19:23

He sounds very similar to my DP, who is lovely, but not sappy or wet. I had similar misgivings but he turned out to be a just a genuinely decent guy, who still has a nice cynical sense of humour.

Trust your instincts, but give him a bit of time if you're just not used to it. I was the same as all my previous boyfriends had not been like that at all.

Good luck!

EdgarAleNPie · 04/01/2010 19:31

nice on the doorstep doesn't mean nicey-nice in the sack.

caution is always wise though.

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 19:56

I think what (the very shallow) part of me thinks, is nice men = small willies...

I don't even know why I think this?

I guess because they would have to try harder...?

But I definitely don't want my X-arsehole's back that had big willies... I would rather have no sex at all.... lol

OP posts:
BooHooo · 04/01/2010 20:01

This sounds like perfectly normal treatment for a guy to me.

Give it time though - early days and all that....

Harriedandflustered · 04/01/2010 20:04

Alarm bells are ringing

How about when:

He won't let you have your own bank account

He won't let you own property

He won't let you go out

.....

emsyj · 04/01/2010 20:05

My DH is nice and he has a MASSIVE willy!

BooHooo · 04/01/2010 20:08

H&F how on earth can you deduce that?

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 20:10

Well he stills owns property with his DS's mum because they are going through a divorce atm, so I can't see why he wouldn't let me if things were to go that far.

And he never shared a bank account with her, although would have liked to, but with seperate accounts too (so he could still surprise her and vice versa)

And after XP I wouldn't let anyone tell me were I can and can't go and who I can and can't see... It would be a deal breaker for me.

emsyj

OP posts:
MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2010 20:14

Oh god MSY, I'm really sorry, but I'd be wary.

Not letting you pour your own drink? Or open doors for yourself? Buying a child he hasn't even met an expensive present?

Please be careful. I think the present was inapropriate, especially as you've only had five dates.

And I think the other things could possibly point to a man who is quite controlling.

Really hope I'm wrong.

karen2205 · 04/01/2010 20:16

Because not 'letting' you pay for dinner isn't actually nice; something was forced on you, rather than being discussed between you as grown ups. The same goes for the opening doors/pouring drinks thing. You don't seem to know one another well enough for those things to be nice things you do for each other; he's forcing attention on you without discussing whether it's something you want.

Standing outside to arrive exactly on time is mind boggling to me! I'd think someone who did that to me was being ridiculous (particularly in this weather!) rather than nice in anyway.