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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be put off by someone being too 'nice'?

126 replies

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:16

Just slap me and tell me to stop worrying please

I met this lovely guy on an internet dating site, and he has treated me like I have never been treated before...

-He wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner... this is the first time this has EVER happened to me
-He bought DS a lovely wooden train set for christmas.... even though he had never met DS
-He cooked me a candlelit meal, including dessert
-He bought me chocolates for after the meal, the kind that you have to unwrap...
-He actually won't let me open a door myself or pour my own drink
-When I invited him to mine for dinner he turned up early and waited outside so he arrived just on time
-He didn't try to kiss me until the stroke of midnight on NYE, when we shared our first kiss.

I just keep thinking that he is too nice...

Somebody slap me

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 04/01/2010 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cheapskatemum · 04/01/2010 22:03

If he is from a religious family, he might not believe in sex before marriage.

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:05

Oh and another thing.. I think he let me win at poker, I would have beaten him anyway, but I thought it was sweet

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 22:07

hold onto yer boots someone will see that as controlling

seriously,let it develop if it feels good- proceed. if it feels bad run lie the clappers

Morloth · 04/01/2010 22:10

hurrumph DH never lets me win at anything. He is better at everything (though I suspect this has more to do with my short attention span and tendency to wander off mid-game than any controlling needs on his part).

wollysocks · 04/01/2010 22:11

after reading the posts and yours i would add watch out, your first post said he was this and that and later it read you had a bit more of his history i.e. ex wife, why and who left who and she expected it, does he not have his own mind?

i agree with behonest, hold out with the sex but if you can't see if he stays. Or like the song, if you want it, put a ring on it! i am sure he will either run at the suggestion or will stay.

i would play the game for as long as you wanted but you must get his history and if he is cagey then that answers that. good luck.

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:11

That's the thing... the last one, he seemed nice, but i always had a bad gut feeling about him and just couldn't shake off the feeling something wasn't right, then lost trust in him for no apparent reason. To then find our he was cheating, even though there was no obvious clues...

But I think reality is right... it's like I am waiting to see what the catch will be (probably a small willy )

We will see.. am seeing him again tomorrow

OP posts:
loubielou31 · 04/01/2010 22:11

Quite right scottishmummy. Just enjoy each others company and see what happens. Good luck.

mrsboogie · 04/01/2010 22:14

he might not be a controlling monster waiting to be revealed in all his full horror but the waiting outside until exactly the right time is a bit too keen and would put me off...

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 04/01/2010 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:17

Wollysocks, he didn't actually say she expected it, he was just surprised when I was appreciative and nicely surprised when he had done these things for me... I just got the jist that she expected those things

And it was him that asked her to leave, because of her seeing this guy

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:19

Mrs boogie... it would have been the right time but I was quickly trying to dry my hair before he got here so ended up being late because I didn't hear him knocking as the hair drier drowned it out... but he did try to be exactly on time

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 22:24

MSY,you need to trust your judgement.relationship threads always polarise opinion.some doom mongers will see sinister,calculating in every man and others will just encourage realistic sensible cautions.same cautions you'd exercise meeting man or woman anew

Harriedandflustered · 04/01/2010 22:25

No, I'm sorry. I disagree with SM.

He really is a vampire

All the signs are there ...

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:27

Thanks SM... am going to just enjoy it for a bit I think and see what comes out of it

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:29

He doesn't have pale skin,

but I have just rememebered, he does have a viscous, blood sucking, creature torturing...... dimple... it's so cute

OP posts:
edam · 04/01/2010 22:30

sounds entirely possible he is just a lovely chap to me. Yes, yes, keep radar on etc. etc. etc. with any new man, especially when you have a child, but him being keen to open doors and pour drinks and generally just looking after you is just old-fashioned good manners. (Although sadly there are a few people who use those good manners to cover up a rather less palatable interior.)

One thing that distinguishes nice guys from creeps is how they treat other people - not just you, friends and family but what was he like with the waiter? With passers-by and shop assistants? If you've driven with him, did he get angry with other drivers? Does he get bitter about his ex, or admit that they had good times and sadly things went wrong, IYKWIM?

Dh was rather like your description of this guy when I met him, which freaked me out a bit as I hadn't been out with any, um, gentlemen before. Turned out he really was a nice guy who was extremely courteous and treated me as someone very special - while being completely up for independence and equality and respect for our mutual intellects and all that. He would have been horrified if anyone thought him opening a door suggested he was either sexist or creepy. And his mother would have been really upset had anyone thought the good manners she spent 20 years drumming into him meant he was an axe-murderer!

But he is also a nice guy with other people, too, and that was clear to me from very early on. It wasn't an act put on for my benefit.

In fact one of the things that signalled dh's descent into depression was that he stopped doing all that sort of stuff. (It's started coming back now though...)

Mind you, I also had a few dates with An Older Man who freaked me out by insisting on being between me and the road - given we were in central London this involved a LOT of running around me to stay on the 'correct' side, was very silly indeed.

edam · 04/01/2010 22:32

Mind you, I hadn't thought of the vampire angle, I'm sure they are charming and have very good manners... eek!

JeremyVile · 04/01/2010 22:33

Bejeeezus - some of the replies on this thread! Over-thinking much??

JeremyVile · 04/01/2010 22:35

Think he sounds lovely OP. And the second he seems not quite so lovely I'm sure you can think again.
Good luck.

piscesmoon · 04/01/2010 22:41

I agree with JeremyVile-I can't believe some of the replies!
There are lots of 'nice' men around-it doesn't have to be a front for controllling behaviour etc.
Just enjoy it and take it as it comes-you are only going on dates-enjoy his company and if you stop enjoying his company stop seeing him- the simple solution!

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2010 22:48

MSY. Am glad to hear that you're not feeling uneasy, and would agree that you're the one who is the expert in your own life - I too am simply advising caution. Don't lose touch with your inner voice.

SM. Just because I think some of this mans behaviour seems controlling, and I find so called 'chivalrous' behaviour sexist and patronising, doesn't mean I think all men are abusers.

I too have had lovely relationships with intelligent sexy good men, who respected me and treated me as their equals.

Which meant they 'let' me pour my own drinks.

scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 22:59

are you basing caution on one word let in MSY post.that is one hell of a leap.but yep if you search and scrabble around bet you can misconstrue every word and demonise what may be a perfectly ok man

i say let msy be the judge.she can read a nuance.we can only read words on a screen

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2010 23:09

No I'm not basing my responses on the one word 'let', but on quite a lot of different things MSY said, which taken as a whole, I felt pointed in a certain direction.

Of course she is the best judge - I wouldn't dream of implying anything different.

But if you post on mumsnet, especially AIBU, you are expressly asking for peoples opinions.

I am simply giving mine. This man sounds sexist at best in my opinion. Potentially controlling aswell I think.

I'm sorry you have such a problem with that SM. I think that says more about you than it does about me.

scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 23:14

i happen to disagree with your inferences.i however have nothing to say about you.as i cant draw such spurious inferences from your posts.odd that you can claim to know about me in basis of this post.how pompus

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