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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be put off by someone being too 'nice'?

126 replies

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:16

Just slap me and tell me to stop worrying please

I met this lovely guy on an internet dating site, and he has treated me like I have never been treated before...

-He wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner... this is the first time this has EVER happened to me
-He bought DS a lovely wooden train set for christmas.... even though he had never met DS
-He cooked me a candlelit meal, including dessert
-He bought me chocolates for after the meal, the kind that you have to unwrap...
-He actually won't let me open a door myself or pour my own drink
-When I invited him to mine for dinner he turned up early and waited outside so he arrived just on time
-He didn't try to kiss me until the stroke of midnight on NYE, when we shared our first kiss.

I just keep thinking that he is too nice...

Somebody slap me

OP posts:

Thingiebob · 04/01/2010 20:23

I think you should enjoy it unless it starts to get sinister then stop it.

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 20:24

TBH he did say he had bought the gift because I had bought his the tree and decs, and I had got his DS a gift too, but not as expensive, but his profession is a well paying one...

I am going to be keeping my eyes well open because I have ended up in abusive relationships a lot of times, but am hoping that the counselling I have been having is helping me to be more aware of what is happening, and has made me strong enough to leave a relationship if I feel it is having a negative effect on me or my DS...

And karen he was in his car so he wasn't stood outside freezing

OP posts:

Shodan · 04/01/2010 20:42

The old fashioned word for this kind of behaviour is chivalry.

Long may it live, say I.

Of course it's nice behaviour. It may be unaccustomed, but it's nice. Gentlemanly.

I dated one chap who opened car doors for me as well. That was quite strange- even when I popped into a shop for something, he would leap out of the car, run round and open the door for me. When I asked him why he did it, he told me his sisters would've given him a clip round the ear if he didn't. He was South African though- more old-fashioned views there, perhaps.

(And he had a MAHOOSIVE willy!!!!! )

MonicaMoniker · 04/01/2010 20:48

It sounds a bit creepy to me and controlling - I'd be uncomfortable with this sort of behaviour - Please listen to our voices of experience and be careful. Don't rush into anything.

scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 21:05

yep hang aroumd long enough someone will rock up and say abuser and recount the details of their mr toogoodtobetrue

hell,maybe just maybe he is a nice man

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2010 21:29

'Nice' is being fun, and interesting to talk to, and genuinely being interested in you. And respecting boundaries and the fact that you don't know eachother that well yet.

'Nice' isn't behaving like it's the 1950's, and not letting you pour your own drinks

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2010 21:30

Bugger, that was meant to be in italics.

Lovecat · 04/01/2010 21:37

Funnily enough I read the OP and was about to ask 'is he South African?' - when my uncle and aunt come over for visits my uncle would nearly trip us up in his attempts to get to the door first to hold it open for we 'ladies', wouldn't let us pay for anything, did the car door thing too... it was sweet.

Have to admit I couldn't live with it, though, t'would drive me insane!

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 21:38

I am amazed and impressed that people are reading scary creepoid into this behaviour.

I guess interpretation of his behaviour depends on previous experiences with men who behaved like this.

I met one, and he was lovely, and I married him. Many others on the thread have similar experience.

If people have met men who behaved like this who have gone on to be abusive then obviously they will have different reading.

Obvious point I know but important one to make. There is no point arguing as we don't know this chap, we can all only speak from our own experience which of course isn't right or wrong, just what we have learnt. I am sorry that some women have met men who seemed lovely and turned out to be right nobbers. This is only 5 dates though, OP needs more time to work out whether this bloke is genuine or nobber. Extreme caution seems rather extreme based on him opneing a few doors though.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2010 21:39

Also MSY, you say you are having counselling as you have been in abusive relationships before.

I know that one of the main things women are taught on the Freedom Programme (which is a course for survivors of domestic abuse) is to really listen to their inner alarm bells.

The fact that you have posted on here, says to me that you are feeling uneasy. I would pay a lot of attention to that feeling.

I'm not saying drop him immediately. He may just be 'nice'. Misguided, old-fashioned, whatever.

But keep your wits about you. I think he sounds really sexist to be honest with you.

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 21:40

I don't know if it makes a difference to you guys but he is from a very religious family...

I always have my 'controldar' on, and have many dates that haven't gone anywhere because I find them potentially controlling.

I will be discussing it with my counsellor anyway, but I really think he was just being nice... he seems far too 'unpractised' to be too much of a threat

OP posts:

blueshoes · 04/01/2010 21:40

He sounds very sweet ... but time will tell.

Wait until at least the 3rd date before having sex.

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 21:41

Then come back and tell us all about it

scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 21:43

so,every woman posting on mn about her man does she too have cause for concern,or alarm bells?folk post on mn for a plethora of reasons and not all sinister.

some of you see sinister and misogynistic motives in practically every post about a man

blueshoes · 04/01/2010 21:47

MakeYerOwn, I think OP's uneasiness is natural, given her history. She also only has had one date with this man. I would be prudent in her shoes too.

Don't think her uneasiness translates into alarm bells at this point. My dh was nice too (not as nice as this bloke). Although I have never been in an abusive relationship, my parents had an unhappy marriage and so I am wary of making the wrong match.

I kept my equivalent of a 'controldar' (maybe lower setting of 'incompatibili-dar') on for the longest time, and dh did not give me cause for concern.

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 21:50

She has had 5 dates!

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 21:51

MYODD - I don't actually feel uneasy about him... I just find it hard to find myself physically attracted to 'nice' guys... me and my counsellor have discussed this and have decided that it was because I didn't feel I deserved a nice guy, I settled with the abusers I found myself with before because it was better than some of the abuse I had to deal with as a teenager.

I am also a very dependant person, so having an abuser to hook myself onto was much better than going it alone iyswim. But after my counselling (which is to come to an end at the end of the month because I don't feel as though I need it any more) I have realised that I don't need to find some guy to depend on, that my family are there for me, and that I can be independent, so that when I do come across 'Mr right' we will be co-dependant (working independently together) rather than me setting myself up to be walked all over.

I think he is just nice TBH, I honestly think he seems just shy and nice... I am only the second girl he has dated since splitting up with his XW and he was married to her for 10 years...

But don't worry, I am always very cautious and always check out anything I am unsure about with my parents, they always give me an honest POV

OP posts:

loubielou31 · 04/01/2010 21:52

Oh for goodness sake!!!!!! all those poster cautioning axe wielding murderer type please have a little more faith in people. This man is showing that he is thoughtful and has respect for the OP. Perhaps a little old fashioned for some of your tastes but he really is demonstrating good manners and behaving in a way that is still expected in many social circles. My husband still changes which hand of mine he is holding to ensure that he is walking nearest to the road, he has done that since our very first date.

scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 21:54

you need to learn to trust your own judgement and give self permission to be with a good man.breaking the cycle of previous learned and ingrained behaviours takes time,so be good toyourself

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 21:54

Well i think he sounds v nice and am for you. Stop worrying and enjoy!

(But keep the radar ticking away quietly in the background - it's early days after all)

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 04/01/2010 21:55

Maybe it's just the OPs choice of words that make the behaviour sound potentially creepy. Have to admit I heard alarm bells at "He actually won't let me open a door myself or pour my own drink" but if she'd said "he's a womderful host and kept my glass topped up and holds doors open for me" maybe it would just have sounded lovely.

So then I wonder why she chose those words and whether they reflect her sense that it was controlling?

I also think it odd that he told her that he arrived early and waited outside. Good manners is to arrive early, wait outside and not say you did. Saying he was loitering outside is a bit creepy.

But MSY you sound very grounded and down to earth so am sure you will watch him carefully, and for your sake I hope he's just pure lovely.

Oh, and has a big willy!

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 21:56

I don't think he is in it just for sex, even though he have spoken about sex I feel uncomfortable with loveless sex due to the abuse that happened in my teenage years... We haven't really spoken about that much yet though

It took me 2.5 months with my last boyfriend, and I felt that was rushing it... to find out he was cheating two weeks later... I am going to be much more careful this time.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/01/2010 21:57

and maybe some misguidedly see misogynist and sinister motives everywhere.seizing and elaborating upon every piece of syntax as if irrefutable proof

Morloth · 04/01/2010 21:58

They are not all controlling bastards with different methods (regardless of what you might read on MN). Some men a good and kind and gentle and at the same time strong and fun.

loubielou31 "My husband still changes which hand of mine he is holding to ensure that he is walking nearest to the road, he has done that since our very first date."

LOL DH does that! To the extent that DS needs to walk in the middle of us because neither of us want him near the road.

Goodluck MsSpentYouf, the games bit sounds good to, am grateful everyday that I managed to bag myself a nerd!

Original poster

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 22:01

LL31, that sounds really sweet

I actually thought the door holding and wine pouring was lovely, I have never had anything like that before (always me holding the door) but I do think that if he jumped to get every door for me that I would go batty

And you are right WIOAIG, my drink was filled up before it was even empty so didn't even get the chance... I did fill his up when I noticed it was getting low though, just to be fair

OP posts:

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