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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be put off by someone being too 'nice'?

126 replies

MsSpentYoof · 04/01/2010 16:16

Just slap me and tell me to stop worrying please

I met this lovely guy on an internet dating site, and he has treated me like I have never been treated before...

-He wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner... this is the first time this has EVER happened to me
-He bought DS a lovely wooden train set for christmas.... even though he had never met DS
-He cooked me a candlelit meal, including dessert
-He bought me chocolates for after the meal, the kind that you have to unwrap...
-He actually won't let me open a door myself or pour my own drink
-When I invited him to mine for dinner he turned up early and waited outside so he arrived just on time
-He didn't try to kiss me until the stroke of midnight on NYE, when we shared our first kiss.

I just keep thinking that he is too nice...

Somebody slap me

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 04/01/2010 23:21

I know an older man who tries to get everything perfect for his dates with his ladyfriends - he will even go to cinema or theatre to see the play/film first on his own so that he won't end up bringing them to a crap one. He is the sort who will go to all sorts of trouble for others and he is a bit control freaky and neurotic but only in respect of himself and the things he can control - never in respect of another person. Maybe your chap is a bit like this - just wants everything to be perfect...

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 23:32

Many of the things you mention have to do with culture. Doesn't have to be different country maybe the way he was brought up.

My dh was offended when i offered to pay on first date. That's how it is in his country.

And because i've been out with 'bad boys' before i was a bit uneasy with him being nice and gentleman.

Enjoy it. You deserve it!

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 10:18

The pouring own drinks thing has been clarified by OP that he kept her wine topped up over dinner. And that to keep things square she topped his up once as well.

Oh my fucking god run for the hills he sounds like a total bastard

shockers · 05/01/2010 10:25

How lovely for your DS to see someone treating you with good manners!

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 10:27

Lovely point shockers

GetOrfMoiLand · 05/01/2010 10:31

DP was a nice man (not chivalrous nice, just very decent and straightforward). Like he always asked me how I was, complimented me on what I looked like, what I had done, listened to me, took me out for drinks on a whim, treated me (stupid little things, like books and a pair of jeans).

However XDP was such a controlling and nasty moron I thought that there was a catch at first. I thought there was genuinely something wrong with DP. I remember saying to my best friend 'either he is a really nice guy or he is a freak of nature'.

He is just a good bloke. Kind and loving, though emphatically not all hearts and flowers (bouight me one bunch in 5 years, like me thinks valentines day is crud) and has a healthy level of cynicism, however he is great, and really a change compared to my ex. But it took me a looong time to get used to being treated well (still quite surprised now even, say like when he makes me a cup of tea and runs me a bath). Twat blokes leave a long legacy so it is not surprising that the OP has doubts.

TBH though the not letting me pay for dinnner and pouring own drinks shtick would piss me off - I was very much up for going dutch in the first couple of months, I didn't want to feel beholden. But that may be just me.

OP - you are right to keep your radar on, but it could just be that he is a nice bloke!

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 05/01/2010 11:31

SM the tone of your posts is often quite aggressive. I've noticed that on other threads too. Didn't MN have to delete one of your comments yesterday?

I have no wish to hijack the op's thread so will bow out now.

Op I really hope things work out well for you.

MrsNarcissist · 05/01/2010 11:36

He sounds like he making a big effort to impress you/he may just be like this the whole time....either way sounds like you have hit the jackpot and found someone that in the short/long term will treat you like a princess!

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 11:37
Grin
Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 05/01/2010 11:43

He hasn't yet met my DS, shockers, due to the last guy I was seeing got on really well with DS (he had met DS before we even thought about dating so it seemed silly to stop him seeing him just because we started dating) and when we split up, DS was constantly asking after him even does still now... so I feel quite reluctant to let them meet atm. But he has a DS a similar age so he understands

MrsBoogie I think you might be right about him trying to get everything right... he bought three different types of wine so I would have the choice of wine, and several different types of other drink just in case I didn't like wine, lol. I thought that was quite sweet... especially as I'm not fussy at all and will stick anything down me cake hole

OP posts:
Kaloki · 05/01/2010 11:50

He sounds very gentlemanly Lucky you!

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 05/01/2010 12:45

Nice guy = small willy? What a really stupid thing to say.

My husband was and is a lovely guy and the only reason he didn't try and shag me within a very short time of us meeting was because he has standards and morals.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 05/01/2010 12:49

Is he physically stopping you from opening doors or pouring drinks or is he just being polite?

My hubby still walks on the road side, gets me drinks, etc etc. Doesn't make him anything other than a lovely husband.

tinierclanger · 05/01/2010 13:06

Am quite surprised by the people commenting that waiting outside to be on time for date is a step too far. Am I the only one who's ever turned up early for a date then walked round the block 5 times so as NOT to be early?

Obviously I wouldn't let on to it though.

scottishmummy · 05/01/2010 13:19

if he seems nice=hang about
seems bad=run like clappers

hope it works out msy.

agahast that because a man appears to have nice manners and be attentive that the inference is he is creepy/weird/sexist.just because he isnt a grunting neanderthal,treating her like phil mitchell doesn't make him captain .there are some geunuinely nice men who cant be typecast as villains by their behaviours

shockers · 05/01/2010 14:12

sorry, of course he hasn't... you've only just met him I kind of meant for the long term though.

Tryharder · 05/01/2010 14:52

As well as this, I've seen a few other threads on MN where apparently there is no expectation at all that a man pays for dinner on the first date. It's quite a sad sign of the times really that this is the first time a man has ever bought the OP dinner on a date.

It's been a while since i went on a first date but "back in the day", I would not expect anything else! If a man cannot be generous and well mannered on the first few dates, then when else can it be expected?

biggirlsdontcry · 05/01/2010 15:15

ahh just try relax & enjoy his company msspentyoof i remember when i met dh (18 years ago) he did all those sweet & romantic things , now he thinks its hilarious when he farts in bed & wafts the duvet , have fun

MitsubishiWarrioress · 05/01/2010 15:24

MSY, he sounds like my Grandad...

I would be with someone like him in a flash, we all have different definitions of 'nice', but feeling respected in whatever way matters to you is so important. My Gran did what she wanted with Grandad's full support, he would ferry her anywhere, but she didn't peel potatoes, put the rubbish out, rarely washed up and without diminishing her in anyway, she was his moon and his sun.

As an adult, he would hold my arm if we crossed the road, lovingly chide me if I whistled, and sang to me on my birthday right up until the year that he died.

I'll raise a glass to some good old fashioned relationship values and wish you all the very best...

scottishmummy · 05/01/2010 15:31

msy,read some of the nice guy replies on this thread from the ladies who hooked up with them. smile and enjoy yourself.there are some smashing men out there,maybe you just met one

MisSalToeKisses · 05/01/2010 15:54

Had to laugh at some of the earlier comments asking whether he was South African, as I read OP and thought "oh, what a lovely man". I am, however, South African.

Oh, and whilst I like being treated (door, drinks, chair etc), I am very independent and my dh would be very freaked out if I wasn't! I've always had my own bank accounts, cards etc, and until I stopped working a couple of months ago, earned my own money etc. Hell, I also waited until the birth of ds (4 years after getting married) to change my surname (my choice, no pressure), so not exactly control freaky / under the thumb relationship.

"Nice" men = unselfish men = good lovers IMO.

Enjoy!

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 06/01/2010 11:57

I know nice guy = small willy is a stupid thing to say

It's just been in my experience it has been that way, and I guess I figured guys with small willies had to try harder!!?

It's still stupid though.

He has booked tickets to take me to a comedy club can't wait

OP posts:
EdgarAleNPie · 07/01/2010 07:49

a misunderstandng in male psychology - men with small willies tend to be over-aggressive to compensate (like small men generally)

men with big willies are nice.

Oblomov · 07/01/2010 09:02

Shocked at replies.
This man is too nice ?
My dh is one of those 'nice' men. I knew it as soon as i met him. old fashioned values. reason i married him.

yes, sometimes, small willy does make try harder. better lover, sometimes.
big willy , can = conceited. i once had sex with a huge willy, and he went shove, shove, ahhhhhh , wasn't that great. and I said, "is that it? you've got to be joking"

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 07/01/2010 10:16

Funny you say that edgar, I was told that XP (who was physically and psychologically abusive) suffered from 'little man syndrome' because he was 5"6' and a size 30 waist

OP posts:
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