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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

388 replies

dmmum · 27/12/2009 16:09

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
skihorse · 27/12/2009 16:34

YANBU - I can only assume though that he is as handsome and toned as he was 20 years ago? That his hair is still thick and lustrous... but more importantly that his fucking ball-sack hasn't dropped 3"?

Divatheshopaholic · 27/12/2009 16:37

Hmm, i would really talk to him if i was you. Im also not size 10/12 i used to be since having two kids. I will be upset if my husband watches and comments every piece that i consume
Sounds like you have relationship problem, i would try to talk or get counsellng.

Original poster
dmmum · 27/12/2009 16:45

He is not the same as 20 years ago - he always says my weight is not about how I look but more to do with health!

Just am fed up - he would never go to counselling as thinks any form of depression is a fault on person who should just pull themselves together!

Just want a snog! Am going on a date with him in a bit let you know how it goes in morning - just feel more like want to be in pajamas and eat choc!

OP posts:
dittany · 27/12/2009 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedalifelaundry · 27/12/2009 16:52

This sounds like an awful situation. It's absolutely no business of his what you eat, unless there is a health issue (which I'm sure there isn't). I bet you're not even particularly overweight, not that it should make any difference whether you're a size 8, 18, or 28. He has committed to you and the dc you have together. He has no right to make you feel anything less than loved, cherished and adored.

Do you show him love and affection or does the lack of affection work both ways? Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Is he like this all the time or is it just tetchyness over the Christmas period?

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 16:52

What he's totally doing is totally counterproductive, as well as mean. If someone tells you not to do something, you want to do it more, especially when they are passive aggressive about it. I kind of have this in opposite to you - when people try to get me to eat things it makes me not want to (not in an anorexicy way, btw!) It becomes about control, and you want to 'win'.

How big are you? Because if you are big in an unhealthy way, it's not wrong of him to be concerned although he is going about it the wrong way. Have you checked your BMI? They are not always spot on but a good indicator

ineedalifelaundry · 27/12/2009 16:55

"he would never go to counselling as thinks any form of depression is a fault on person who should just pull themselves together!"

Sounds like a charmer. Been supportive over your PND has he?

dittany · 27/12/2009 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skihorse · 27/12/2009 16:58

"I worry about your weight for health reasons" is a stereotypical manipulative way of saying "you're too fat for me"!

If he cared about your health then he'd be interested and exited about nutrition (for the entire family), he'd buy bicycles for the whole family and take you mountain walking in Austria in the summer. Not call you a fat ass! That's just plain abuse.

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 18:18

This is interesting - I started a thread a while back which was basically about the fact that DP thought I was too thin. I was happy with my size, and he had not said that he was 'worried' but that he preferred me with a bigger bum and boobs. Loads of people responded saying 'Well maybe you should listen to him, he is probably worried, don't you want him to find you attractive?' etc.

But as soon as someone comes on saying, my DP thinks I'm too fat, everyone says 'How dare he, is he perfect?' etc. makes me a bit

Not saying that he is right by any stretch, but the double standard annoys me.

dittany · 27/12/2009 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:26

If you ARE FAT AND EAT TOO MUCH THEN HEY, HE MAY JUST HAVE A POINT.
I wouldn't be happy if my dh was fat and the same would be true of me.It's about basic self respect and SELF control aND being as presentable as you can be.

If my dh was 19 stone,I'd go right off him.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:27

And as for this ski

If he cared about your health then he'd be interested and exited about nutrition (for the entire family), he'd buy bicycles for the whole family and take you mountain walking in Austria in the summer

What aBSOLUTE TWADDLE.

I find this assumption that losing wight should involve expense utterly bemusing.

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 18:28

Well everyone was automatically saying to me 'He is worried about you because your weight is not healthy'. If that was true then his comments would have been justified. However if he had been saying it just because he wanted me to have bigger boobs, then it wouldn't have been. But no one else here is even voicing the possibility that she may be an unhealthy size (sorry, OP, no idea of the reality you may not be!) when they said it straight away with the possible 'too thin' scenario.

Basically, when it is a 'DP thinks I'm too fat' scenario everyone says 'he's wrong/a twat' but when it's 'DP thinks I'm too thin' it's all 'well maybe he has a point, etc'

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2009 18:32

moondog I think the OP's husband is just going about it in thw wrong way, even if he has a point. My dad does this with my mum, and yes she is fat and does eat too much, but if he changed his tactics she might actually do something to change instead of getting upset and turning to emotional eating.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 27/12/2009 18:33

Moondog: Bullshit. Being fat is not a crime, nor is it necessarily unhealthy. Moderately fat (ie bigger than size 10) women who are active and eat a varied diet are much healthier than women so frightened of gaining weight that they exist on diet food, fags and cocaine. Moderately fact active people are a lot healthier than people who are skinny, don't eat much but sit about all day doing nothing.
And most people who are unhealthily fat got that way through listening to the lying bullshit of the slimming industry and trying to lose wieght from previously reasonable-sized healthy bodies on faddy diets, stopping the diets, regaining the weight, dieting more, etc.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:35

I'm with you IMLH.

Hey, call me old fashioned but if i have a problem, I'd prefer those nearest to me to be honest about it.

What do you suggest Over, what would have made a difference to your mother?

If my dh has put on a few pounds, I tell him straight and tut if he over indulges.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2009 18:36

and I agree with you InMyLittleHead. I hate the double standard. I hate the fact that people think it's ok to say "you're looking a bit thin" but not ok to say "you're looking a bit fat".

skihorse · 27/12/2009 18:36

moondog You seem to be a little confused between weight and health. Perhaps you ought to pop down to your library in the New Year and educate yourself.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:37

I'll have a medical reference from a peer reviewed journal for that assertion Solid Gold and then I might consider it.

I have no truck with the diet industry though, I'll agree with you there.Never been on a diet in my life.

As I said,I'm old fahioned.
Eat less
Move more.
Does it for me and always has.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:37

Ah, Skji, you're an expert in this filed are you?
Can you provide me with a reading list?

dittany · 27/12/2009 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 18:38

IMLH I was going to post on here but changed my mind as I realised I was talking rubbish my what I was going to say has to do with your point I think.

What I was going to say was that my DH is too fat and I worry about his health. His father has weight related medical problems and obviously I worry about DH.

HOWEVER I try and talk to him about it sometimes when we are not eating. I would never monitor what he is eating, inhale sharply when he reached for the chocs etc. That would be a really shitty thing to do.

And so I came round to what the others were saying - it's not so much about the OPs weight but how nasty her DH is being about it.

FWIW if your DH wants you to put on weight so you get a larger bust then I for one think that he is being a dick.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2009 18:40

Personally, for my mother, my dad could have just spent a bit more time with her doing things as a couple and making her feel worthy and beautiful and valued for who she was, so that she didn't have loads of lonely time on her own to comfort herself with food, but I also know that my mum could do more for herself to keep busy and find fulfilment in other ways and at the end of the day it is her responsibilty to control what she eats and stay healthy, not my dad's.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:40

And this myth, peddled by porkers that Britain full of miserabnle skinnies cowed by magazines and the diet industry has me hooting.

Where are they?
I don't see them.

You can eat and drink well and maintain some self control and an attractive body.