DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

[dmmum]

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

kaloki, I agree.

I also agree with this "It is simple for someone with a healthy and sensible relationship with food/exercise to say "it's a piece of piss", but for someone who is not of that ilk it is different"

I agree with both of the above statements. I spent most of my life eating what I wanted, taking moderate exercise and being so thin people who didn't kno wme, and so only hadmy looks to go by, thought I was anorexic. I am 5ft 7 and weighed 7st for most of my life. At the time, it was oh so simple to me that people could easily lose weight if they ate less and exercised more. Well, yes, of course, but it isn't that simple...

Now, I am around 13st, so overweight, although I am only a size 12-14, so not fat fat, but overweight, none the less. I still eat the same, quite a bit, but mostly healthy, homecooked food and not a lot of junk, I still do the same sort of exercise, and it is not that easy to change a lifetime of habits, but clearly I am aware that if I eat fewer calories and less fat, an dtake more exercise, I would lose weight.

My husband used to comment on my weight/food intake, and when I spent time with is parents, I realised why, they commented on everything I ate. Husban deventually realised, not only did it royally piss me off, but it was counter-productive and certainly didn't help. After yo-yo dieting for some years, I have now decided to chill out about it. At some point I want to lose weight, but that isn't now (I am pregnant anyway). For now, I will settle for eating as sensibly as I can manage, taking my reasonable amount of exercise (usually 2-4 hours a day of vrisk walks with my dogs) an dbe happy with that.

Actually though thinking back to my 20's - the one time I really struggled with my weight was when I had a boyfriend who was obsessed with my weight.

I think I over-ate to annoy him to be honest. So your DH's comments are unlikely to help you lose weight in my experience.

I had a boyfriend like this 20 years ago - I was a size 10 and 5ft 9. Luckily for me I dumped him. He was (and probably still is) a cock.

dittany - it is not the same thing at all. The OP is clearly not already very slim, as she said herself. Not all men are out to 'control' their DPs. Yes, he is being a twat but it is not as sinister as that.

What's wrong with being a size 18?
It counts as clinically obese, unless you are 8ft tall. It's not good for you.

The OP's husband doesn't sound 'concerned', he sounds like a twit.

is weight the real issue or is weight the symptom?Is there a deep rooted issue between you both and he latches onto your weight or is he genuinely controlling about weight?
What is he like otherwise?Is he attentive etc?

With your PND did he help you,listen or did he block it out?20 years is a long time eto feel unhappy,were there problems pre-dc or did having children and pnd create problems?You say he is unlikely to attend relationship counselling - what will he do?

more to the point what do you want to do.you cannot rely upon a kind word or smile from him (or anyone else) to make you happy.happiness is state of mind and behaviours.So instead of trying to please him,focus and think what do you want and need.Time to stop prioritising his needs and have a long think about your own.Food and mood are inextricably linked if you feel bad and low affect using food as a comforter is a short term gratification.But ultimately as you know it is short lived and adds to another deeper rooted issue.

consider individual self counselling.no one can make another individual commit. some self reflection and realistic goal setting for yourself, not him

There is another aspect though.

I used to be thin girl, then grew gradually through 20s til a size 12 (which i thought was huge) then split up with boyfriend who I used to eat a lot of roasts with etc and lost weight down to an 8 again. Through all of those years I was never concerned about my weight. I have still never been on a diet. My weight just fluctuated as my lifestyle changed.

When I met DH I put on quite a lot of weight - we both like to eat and like to cook. And we liked to drink. These days we are both too fat.

He has unhealthy relationship with food, emotional thing, food for reward treat etc etc.

I, however, am just a greedy bastard.

It's not always down to psychological reasons.

Having a controlling partner is linked to persistent PND. There are plenty of peer reviewed journal papers saying so. I think is is a serious issue that your partner thinks depression is a personal failing and that a depressed person can just 'pull themselves together.'

There is an awful lot of judging going on about the OP's weight when we don't even know what the OP's weight is and people with depression often have a much more negative view of themselves than the reality of the situation.

OP, I weigh 3 stone more than when I met DP. I have never been over or underweight because the range of what is a healthy BMI is very wide. I may look somewhat more lardy than I would like, but I am not, in a medical sense, overweight. Are you sure that you are overweight? What makes you think that you are?

"Also i dont buy this 'they make me sad so i eat more and get more fat' mlarky....

I mean at the end of the day you put the food to your lips, chew and swallow. You have the sole responibility to watch what you eat. I do not doubt that people saying hurtful things makes you want to eat more an all that but everyone has the choice whether to induldge that desire no?"

This is true, but people do comfort eat, and usually it's fairly unconscious. I know it sounds strange, and like a blatant excuse. All I know is that, when my depression is bad I can shovel down a hell of a lot of food before realising how much I've eaten. Moderation with comfort eating is easier said than done. Especially because you are eating to fill a hole that food can't fill, and the more you do it, the less your body knows when to stop you. Pre-depression I never overate.

Are you getting help with PND OP?

overweight has increased co-morbidity for other diseases eg chd,cva and is backed up by robust science eg Cochrane library

If my husband thought he had any sort of right to comment on what I was eating, he would be looking for his fucking teeth.

Don't let it slide, everytime he says something raise it right then and there in front of everyone then watch him squirm.

I would rather be fat than a smug, ignorant, bass-ackwards judgmental fuck.

By which I mean, OP, that even if your husband is motivated by concern for your health, he is going about expressing it in entirely the wrong way.

I'm with fairycake on this one!

Well, dittany my mother is a size 14 and 5 ft 2 and her BMI puts her in the obese category as does the fat measurement scan thingy. And, as a rheumatologist will tell you, human joints aren't designed to carry that amount of weight which is why overweight people often suffer from joint problems.

All of the talk about obesity etc is fine. But the OP is presumably a fully functioning adult and is capable of making her own choices about what goes into her mouth.

I didn't read the second page, has someone bought up how it women have historically been pressured to eat less so that there is more food around for males? dittany I think it was you on another thread who talked about this?

dittany, I was just going to ask that question!