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Original poster

DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

388 replies

dmmum · 27/12/2009 16:09

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
moondog · 27/12/2009 18:40

Over, yes, good point.

skihorse · 27/12/2009 18:41

moondog Yes, I am an expert on diet, nutrition and exercise. I'd be delighted to refer you to a reading list but I fear comprehension is not your forte.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2009 18:42

dittany the fact that there are a lot worse things than being overweight is really besides the point isn't it?

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:43

I am embarrassed for you Ski, but continue making a tit of yourself.
You have the floor.

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 18:44

For sure, if the OPs 'D'H is genuinely concerned, he is not going about things the right way. As others have said, eating is a very emotional thing and if you already link food with being loved as many people do, behaviour like his is unkind and counter-productive. Much better to have a sensible conversation when she is not eating, if he is really worried.

ImSoNotTelling Re my DP I have said to that if he is really worried I don't mind him saying it, but going on about bigger boobs is not acceptable. He is generally alright, says I'm beautiful etc. the flatterer.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2009 18:45

bloody hell ski, no need to get so personal with the insults!

SolidGold that is some stereotyping you are issuing!! I am skinny and I assure you I do not exist on a diet food, fags and cocaine! I just eat less and move more.

skihorse · 27/12/2009 18:47

In "more advanced" European societies - it is recognised that there is a very strong link between obesity and emotional eating and obesity is treated at the source - i.e., through therapy rather than restricted dietary intake. I wish that were more recognised.

moondog You're an insensitive idiot and I really hope that OP is not further hurt by some random buffoon on the internet (i.e., you!) when her husband is already hurting her.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 18:47

Agree that losing/gaining weight is not rocket science in principle and that diet industry shit and responsible for loads of probs.

With DH I struggle as he has unhealthy relationship with food and comes from background of larger people. If I poked him in the tum, inhaled sharply and berated him when he went to eat, he would simply go and eat in secret. More so, as he would be upset at how I was treating him.

It is simple for someone with a healthy and sensible relationship with food/exercise to say "it's a piece of piss", but for someone who is not of that ilk it is different.

I try to make him go for walks with me I do my best.

skihorse · 27/12/2009 18:48

overmydeadbody um... that was hardly an insult, if you want insults you might like to read the entire thread!

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 18:50

IMLH I was trying to redress the balance. I can't believe you did a thread about it and everyone said it was fine and maybe he had a point. Freaky.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2009 18:51

ski I have read the entire thread, your posts are the only ones with personal insults directed towards one particular poster.

moondog · 27/12/2009 18:51

ki, re this

In "more advanced" European societies - it is recognised that there is a very strong link between obesity and emotional eating and obesity is treated at the source - i.e., through therapy rather than restricted dietary intake. I wish that were more recognised.

Gosh really? Ref. to peer reviewed journal please. Heaven knows, enough people read MN so your idiosyncratic brand of weight loss in which chatting magically discounts thousands of ingested calories might take off.

Stranger things have happened.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 18:56

I think ski has a point re the emotional thing.

I could make DH live on bread and water and run around the block 50 times a day and the weight would fall off. However as soon as he stopped he'd put it back on. And he'd be miserable doing it.

What you need to do is bring about a permanent lifestyle change, and to do that you need to change the way they relate to food.

moondog · 27/12/2009 19:01

Exactly I'm.
And all the chatting in the world can't replace this.
Interview yesterday in Telegraph with outgoing chief medical officer Liam Donaldson in which he cites obesity as hige worry.

Women who convince each other that being fat doesn't matter and that people who point out that you are fat are horrid old bullies are a dangerous factor in the present worrying state of affairs.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 27/12/2009 19:05

Moondog: Here's one to start with. OMDB: I was not saying that all skinny people are unhealty. Some skinny people are very unhealthy. Some are fine. Same as fat people. Wieght/size is not the most important factor in how healthy a person is.

Kaloki · 27/12/2009 19:06

Moondog there are ways of helping someone lose weight, the OP's DH is not using any of the ways that will help. Your suggestion of tutting is also not helpful.

Helping people be healthy is one thing, going on about how fat they are is a method which I don't think I've ever seen work. More often than not it backfires.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 19:09

I totally agree with you and totally disagree with you moondog

As a society we have all got fatter. Looking at photos from my schooldays and the children were all thin as rakes. The "fat girl" was still pretty small by todays standards. And we get used to it - everybody's idea of what is "normal" has shifted, so slowly that we haven't really noticed. Until you look at some old photos and realise how thin everyone used to be. This is obviously a disaster, as what is the norm shifts upwards and people don't evern relaise quite how unhealthily large they are really far gone. A lot of people say of DH he is a big lad, he carries it well etc. He is clinically obese.

However, I come from a family of thinnies. They are forever exercising, eating healthily and being terribly trim. They take an extremely dim view of overweightness, considering it to be lazy and unhealthy. They are always swift to direct a pointed look at the tum, raise an eyebrow at a large helping of pudding. My dad is always asking DH pointedly why he doesn't buy a bicycle . And this sort of thing simply leads to DH feeling fat and miserable and eating more as he is feeling fat and miserable.

So as a society I would agree that our distorted view of normality causes a big problem. But for individuals to take it upon themselves to "tell it like it is" will probably not help.

moondog · 27/12/2009 19:09

FGS, Solid, that's some random fool on the interent!
Hardly a peer reviewed piece of research.

You came out with some bizarre assertions about thin people.

It's not a case of being a happy size 18 versus a miserable size 6.There's a happy medium.I refuse to believe though that chunky people are happy. How could you be if running makes you puff nad pant, nice clothes are hard to buy and you think more abou disguising your lumps and bumps than disaplynig your body?

dittany · 27/12/2009 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 27/12/2009 19:11

Anyway, I'm on my third glass of wine and about to tuck into lamb shanks, trifle, cheese and biscuits and mince pie.
And magically, I'm not a size 18!

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 19:11

"Women who convince each other that being fat doesn't matter and that people who point out that you are fat are horrid old bullies are a dangerous factor in the present worrying state of affairs."

I do agree with you on that moondog. If a woman says she loves being a size 18, no one is allowed to say anything negative about it. But if a woman says she loves being a 6 or an 8, people will happily read all sorts of things into it and announce that it is because they are shallow, obsessed, boring, thick, etc. etc. and not be pulled up on it.

Yes, being very thin is dangerous. But I am marginally below the 'normal' BMI bracket but my GP is not worried for me physically. There are more people who are very fat (to the extent of having health problems from it)than very thin, and it puts enormous pressure on the NHS. DP is a rheumatologist, and frequently sees people whose weight is putting huge pressure on their joints and essentially causing their problem. But his suggestion that they lose weight is met with and 'how rude'.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 27/12/2009 19:13

Going back to the OP.....

OP are you over weight? Do you know yourself you are over weight?

If so, talk to your husband, aknowledge that you are overweight but remind him he must show his concern in a more pleasant way.

How long has this been going on? If he has a genuine concern about your weight how do you want him to help you?

I think he is going about it in the wrong way but.... well.... yeah.....

dittany · 27/12/2009 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

traceybath · 27/12/2009 19:19

Well it sounds as though your DH is being very insensitive and perhaps he is generally mean to you??

However I'm with moondog in that I prefer being slim and healthy and like my DH to be the same.

I know its a crime on MN to say this but I wouldn't find my DH attractive if he was very over weight. I prefer being slim as feel better both physically and mentally.

This does mean I watch what I eat but I don't starve myself by any stretch - well I can't as am bf.

But back to OP - is your DH generally nice and your weight is the only issue? Or is this just one example of him being nasty?

MeltedTreeChocolates · 27/12/2009 19:19

Also i dont buy this 'they make me sad so i eat more and get more fat' mlarky....

I mean at the end of the day you put the food to your lips, chew and swallow. You have the sole responibility to watch what you eat. I do not doubt that people saying hurtful things makes you want to eat more an all that but everyone has the choice whether to induldge that desire no?

(you = the general you)

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