DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

[dmmum]

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

I think you should think about how you feel about your weight issues and how it affects your self esteem. If its your weight thats causing your low mood, ditch the weight. If its your not so dp, then ditch him. Better still ditch the weight, look gorgeous and then ditch the dp for someone who will appreciate you

"Personally I think that the reason people are so spiteful about fat women, is that it is a stereotype of a lazy person, with no self control, who sits around munching chips, has no drive or interest in themselves, and is possibly a but thick and a chav. That is the stereotype and it is quite strongly ingrained I think. Rich/posh/successful people are rarely portrayed as fat. (Except maybe for the fat cat banker which is supposed to disgust as well)." Very true.

My exH, whom I strongly suspect was and is anorexic (exercises beyond the bounds of reason and never eats breakfast or lunch) was (and is) very nasty and judgemental on the subject of other peoples' alleged laziness, and made a lot of critical and hurtful comments to me about my weight, especially post partum . We had two bathrooms, and the family scales was always kept in the one he used -- he weighed himself daily. He was a control freak, and projected a lot, hence the critical remarks.
He also saw himself as a driven go-getter, so maybe someone who couldn't accept himself as anything other than slim and trim, and wouldn't accept that anyone else near him could be carrying around a few extra pounds either.

"My DH read Paul McKenna's book, and it was interesting as it seemed to be addressing the psychological side and encouraging awarenness of fullness, eating consciously etc. The stuff I suspect that most naturally slim people do."

I haven't read the whole thread but AvrilH's post struck a cord. I am about to read this book too. I don't want to diet as diets are pants, but I do want to change the way I view food, and I think that is key.

I know many people that eat whatever they want and remain slim, but they normally eat small portions and stop when full. Some are lucky and can eat loads and stay slim but I think they are in the minority. I, however, have never been able to just eat without feeling guilty, or worse - putting food into categories of good or bad.

I'm not hugely overweight (size 16 post baby who is almost a year), but I am 2 dress sizes more. I want to change my attitude once and for all as I don't want to pass it to my DCs as my mum did to us. She was ALWAYS on a diet. She had her own compartment in the fridge for her diet food.. She took me to slimming clubs with her. I watched her get injections of (now banned) slimming drugs. Dieting has been around me my whole life and I hate it. My brother had bulimia, I have issues as explained above. My other brother is slim but exercises loads as he is so frightened of putting on weight.

I want to be this way: if, for example I am eating a salad and someone says "that salad looks nice". I want to say "yes, it's lovely", not "yeah, I'm being good today". All about attitudes which are instilled from a very young age IMO. I hope the OP's DCs aren't hearing their Dad be such an arse towards their mum.

Bambino I saw his show, and he does talk sense, I've heard criticism saying that he's just stating the obvious. But then, it's aimed at people who need to be able to step back and be more aware of what they are doing. I'm working on taking that on board myself as I swing between two very bad extremes, though I desperately need to do more exercise.

Bambino, you should read 'French Women Don't Get Fat'. The tone is a bit annoying (and the title isn't true), but it is about not dieting and eating food for enjoyment and with awareness without any 'judgements' on it, and with no banned foods. It's all about balance.

InMyLittleHead I will check out that book. You're right about the title - when I first went to Paris, I was mildly surprised to find that it wasn't like a catwalk.

Kaloki Same here. I just can't see food for what it is: fuel. Having said that, my days of Atkins, South Beach et al are over. My friend has just lost 2 stone on the lipotrim diet and she looks fab, but when she tells me that she had milkshake for lunch and a solitary salad for dinner, I know that keeping the weight off will be a huge struggle for her. Who wants to live like that.

As I said above you can change your brain chemistry by eating well. That's more important than the weight you are but if you do eat a normal healthy balanced diet most people probably would lose weight too. The aim is not to feel hungry. As I said above when I started eating regular 3 healthy meals a day I stopped thinking about food. That was as good as losig a bit of weight. Amazingly and perhaps entirely unrelated I've stopped getting ill. Not had even a cold for 12 months. I find that incredible considering how I used to be. Of course I suppose it makes sense - junk in, junk feelings, fat body and catch germs; good food in, feel good, body slim, feel fit.

On jobs etc of course... and it's not against the law to discriminate on grounds of size or even ugliness under English law by the way and plenty of employers want good looking staff. Also it's a class thing - the higher your class and income the more healthy and normal your weight in the UK. I am average UK height - 5 foot 5. I am probably average or normal weight for that height except that now 50% or more of women are fat I suppose normal has become huge.

where did the OP go ?

If you are still around, I think your DH finds your excess weight unattractive & he believes you are lazy, that you've let yourself go.

Your behaviour of eating more when he is out is passive agressive & pointless, you are acting like a child (& like my mother)

Are you happy with yourself ? if so, tell him to bugger off, if not, get off your arse & lose some weight, don't snack on junk & exercise.

Goodness.

You couldn't have missed the point more spectacularly if you sat blindfold at your keyboard and stabbed at random keys with a pencil, Feelingforty.

dittany, yes the leek soup fast thing is silly. How can you have enough energy to do things? But it is only supposed to be for 2 days. I do think a 'natural' portion (i.e. a portion the size of your stomach) is a lot less than people think it is. In restaurants and pubs these days you get absolutely massive portions. I used to feel bad that I didn't want to eat it all, but then I realised that they have to make the portions big enough to satisfy the biggest bloke's appetite. Learning to eat only what you want and not feel compelled to eat everything that's put in front of you is important, and also difficult (who was told they had to finish everything on their plate as a child?)

am 100% in agreement with dittany...!

Food needs respecting. One of our national 'chav' characteristics is the sloppy lazy attitude we have to it. Don't buy it, store it, prepare it properly at all, and it's what we often turn to in order to express our emotional deficits/pains we have from time to time, and end up excessing on stuff we get in foil or polystyrene tray. ( Anyone else revolt at the mention of a fast food "Bucket" - we are NOT farm animals ffs).
I am no uptight foodie, but anyone who spends time in France would know the marked difference there - yes they can get a bit precious about it all, but there is a massive amount to learn from them as well.

Maybe not directly relevant to the OPs circs but the thread has shifted on quite a lot, and I was moved to support dittany's point.

Your body needs enough calories to function, sure, but it doesn't need 4,000 a day. So if you're someone who could eat that much you do have to be aware of what is reasonable. But thinking purely in terms of calories isn't helpful, because you could eat 6 packets of crisps and nothing else and that would still be within 2,000 or whatever the recommended intake is.

Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.

Well, losing weight = eating less or exercising more (if you want to lose weight). I don't think it's that sinister tbh..

personally I think losing weight = eating right and moving more......I really feel (as a veteran struggler-with-weight) that the eating less and exercising mantra is actually off putting and feeds (ha ha) into the yo yo diet mentality with people feeling they have to be more extreme than they can sustain. It's a subtle difference but to me, SO important. Doesn't have to be a gym you can't afford etc it can be the little things, 5 minutes here and there in the day just moving yourself more and it can make a big difference - over time.

Only because Bambino was originally talking about Paul McKenna, which is about losing weight I think. She also seemed to connect her weight to her attitude to food, so I think it was a bit of both.

I am one of those people who just sees food as fuel. I only actively enjoy it about 10% of the time (probably because I am a crap cook, and the 10% counts for when I eat out or someone else cooks it).

Most sensible ways of eating are low GI/GL. My three regular meals a day with virtually no snacks are not diet meals but they are a way of eating which I am sure is now a habitfor life. I genuinely wouldn't now enjoy junk food. It' s question of changing your tastes gradually. The 3 meals a day is what you'd be told to eat if you had depression or bullimia too and if you were diabetic. It's who we ought to eat and makes you feel happy and thus less likely to binge which for me is more important than what weight I am.

See sites like www.promis.co.uk/addiction-info/addiction/eating-disorders/eating-guide.php and Kathleen des maisons work on the impact of sugar on the brain. For me it was not just about eating more meat and fish but also making sure I have enough "brown" carbs at meals too. I am missing my brown rice for example here on holiday.

What really surprised me was how I could cease to want to eat a whole box of chocolates if it's in the kitchen.

The interesting point is that what you eat affects how you feel and that by changing the food you eat you can alter your brain chemistry and the signals which are sent to that. My bacon and eggs (and brown carb) breakfast is incidentally pretty much what I ate as a child for breakfast and a lot bette for people than any cereal at all.

Do it gradually as radiantrecovery.com suggests starting with a good breakfast, not all at once and aim to change how you eat for life not a silly new year crash diet. 90% of people who lose weight on those kindas of diets put even more on than they started with. Avoid diet drinks too. I gave up aspartame which is in diet coke. Tose sugar substitutes continue to prime you to want sugar. I drink tap water now. Ask me 3 years ago if I would ever want to drink tap water and I'd have laughed. I think it is supposed to take 18 times to change a habit and this includes with small children too so you just work at it bit by bit.

Delia Smith by the way has the same views on the effect of junk food/sweets/sugar.

I like Paul McKennas views on food. as others have said it is common sense, not a diet. it addresses our emotional relationship with food.
saying that, I don't actaully follow it, bit I know it is good. ha ha. talking of which, I have never ever dieted. ever. but I need to lose a few pounds now, so am going to cut back on the crap a bit, post christmas.
I eat very very healthily. as diabetic for 35 years, I have always followed a high fibre low fat diet. but i also eat loads of shit, crisps and chocolate. I will cut back on the rubbish a bit.

Food is not just a fuel to me. It is a pleasure. I love cooking eating. I love food.
As with everything else in life, it is just a question of balance.