Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

388 replies

dmmum · 27/12/2009 16:09

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
dittany · 27/12/2009 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 27/12/2009 21:18

co morbidity and weight and
overweight increases cva risk
also
govt targets obesity and comorbidity

so enough willy waving and oh my links..only on mn would a link be demanded for the bleeding obvious.all that competition cant be good for one's stress or bp.now i cant be arsed trawling through cochrane to substantiate it so you may have to take my word for it

Pantofino · 27/12/2009 21:20

So is no-one going to give the poor Op any advise about her knobber DH? If I was her and and looked at "threads I'm on" I would be demolishing jaffa cakes and contemplating suicide right now - cos obviously it all HER fault for being a bit fat. How very dare she!

purplepeony · 27/12/2009 21:21

I think...

that if we want to discuss the merits of fatness versus thinness, someone should start another thread as these recent posts have very little to do with the OP's post.

Sorry, OP- I hope you find the answer- please try counselling, for yourself if your DH won't go- you will find it helps.

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 21:21

Dittany, here is the NHS page on the dangers of obesity. Since it is information that has been endorsed by the chief medical officer, and that they are providing to the entire bloody nation, I am sure it is based on many of these 'studies' you seem so obsessed with.

You didn't answer my question about what the weight of a size 18 woman would be. I am fairly confident that it would at least be in the overweight range, if not the obese one.

pp yes, I know, I agree with you.

midori1999 · 27/12/2009 21:21

I am quite gobsmacked by some of the attitudes on this thread... all women who are overweight stuff their faces with kebabs, burgers and pies and sit on their arses all day for one, all size 18 women are obese for another (I actually have a friend who is 5ft10 and a size 16 and you can see her hip and rib bones, there is not an ounce of fat on her! Yet she also is in the 'overweight' range on a BMI chart. She recently went down to a size 14 when her husband was away and looked extremely ill, her GP queried her on her weight loss when she went for an appointment) or that anything over a size ten is 'mildly' obese....

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 21:24

Oh yes, OP - he's being a knob as I said before. It is not helping you. Maybe try talking to someone? Lots of people have spoken on here about the psychological and emotional aspect to food, so hopefully that will be of some use to you.

If there were no other issues in the relationship, I doubt he would be behaving like that. Is it a mask for something, do you think?

purplepeony · 27/12/2009 21:24

Start another bloody thread if you want to discuss fatness, or talk to the OP about her relationship!

dittany · 27/12/2009 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 27/12/2009 21:27

well I am very overweight - and have recently discovered my cholesterol is too high and my bp is borderline high (well done to locum who ordered that blood test for the cholesterol). -some larger ladies are lucky, with no obvious short-term health implications, but not everyone is so lucky.

moving back to OP - agree with scottishmummy's first post back up the thread - is the issue really weight or a more general relationship one, sounds like you need to think things through for yourself (sneaking off to eat when he isnt around isn't a good sign...)

scottishmummy · 27/12/2009 21:27

pp,who made you editor in chief.we can discuss what we wish.perhaps if you no likey dont post

and op hasn't posted since 16:45.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 21:28

Dress size is definitely not something to even really think about in all of this.

First they have changed as the population has changed - a size 14 now is much bigger than it was a couple of decades ago.

Secondly they are not industry standard and change depending on the target audience. Designer and lines aimed at teens are smaller than lines aimed at older / larger women.

IMO it's a combination of things - BMI is a fairly crude way of looking at things as well. I would say simply look in the mirror - but that unfortuantely rarely works as our perceptions of ourselves are so distorted. Either we can't look in the mirror at all, as we are so disgusted, even if we are quite slim, or our perception has been altered by the growing girth of society as a whole so much that we think we are fine when really we're not...

Kaloki · 27/12/2009 21:28

"the dangers of obesity"

Except the OP is talking about being overweight, not obese. These are two different things.

Midori I think a lot of people see the word overweight but automatically see obese. When in reality the "overweight" BMI range is usually a smaller size than people expect. I know before when I was at my highest weight (1 BMI point away from obese) people assumed I was only just above the "normal" category.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2009 21:29

It's nothing to do with how fat or thin you are, really. The H who makes negative remarks about the body of someone he supposedly loves is not respecting the person who owns that body. A spouse is not a piece of putty that can be moulded to your wishes, bigger this, smaller that -- no matter what size you are, you have feelings, and hurtful remarks can do serious damage to a relationship.

The link between control and PND or garden variety depression and weight is the dynamic that seems to be operating here. The H is controlling, makes hurtful remarks, does nothing to make the OP feel special, wanted, loved (pays far more attention to their DS), and seems abgry with her for having PND and gaining weight (she presumably has small children, maybe even a baby). He won't go to counselling, scoffs at the notion of depression needing any more than willpower to 'shake off' and seems to not understand that there may be physical reasons for his partner being overweight -- metabolic changes of pregnancy, thyroid problems or hormonal changes can all affect weight when a woman has borne a child. His response is not to devote more attention to her or to express real care and concern for her by being more loving and attentive, but to nag, which is backfiring spectacularly.

He seems to be having some issues of his own regarding the OP perhaps after 20 years, most of them childless (?) he is having a difficult time understanding that she is not able to give him her undivided attention as partner, but is now occupied with the DSs to a much greater extent than with him. Jealousy of the children and difficulty coming to terms with new roles in a relationship or new family circumstances can be expressed in many ways. The OP's H seems very angry, very distant from her in an emotional and sexual sense really at sea in the relationship, consumed by his insecurities and responding by coldness and bullying.

He needs to be told straight up that the remarks about weight will have to stop. Stonewall him every time he starts up here, OP. He needs to understand that he will get nowhere fast with this approach. If he won't go to counselling, then you should go on your own. Plus, have your thyroid checked. Your weight will settle down (with a bit of effort) but nobody ever kept weight off for someone else, ever. It's something you have to do for yourself, because you think you're worth the effort. If you don't think your H is worth the effort, it won't happen.

purplepeony · 27/12/2009 21:30

LOL at scottish mummy.
No one did- but why can't I state the obvious?

If you can't see that I am trying to be helpful instead of making silly, snide comments, that's your problem.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 21:30

So in summary we're all doomed and none of us can possibly ever know whether we're too fat or too thin or anything

Pantofino · 27/12/2009 21:33

FFS the OP was NOT about weight! Leave it please!

Start another thread about fat people. I'll join in as I am fat.

OK the OP needs to lose a few pounds. And her DH seems to consider her lazy when SHE lays in bed. She would also like a bit more attention.

Helpful suggestions?

ImSoNotTelling · 27/12/2009 21:34

My "in summary" was supposed to come after my last rather rambling post.

Rather than a summary to the thread, which is moving too quickly for me...

Pantofino · 27/12/2009 21:35

math - the voice of reason! TG!

scottishmummy · 27/12/2009 21:36

dittany if you must be snippy get it right

1 link co-morbidities related to obesity and overweight
2Weight reduction for primary prevention of stroke in adults with overweight or obesity
both studies specifically for overweight and obese

now stop all the willy waving about who has the shiniest/biggest/bestest references.its daft and way too competitive.watch your bp hun

fairycake123 · 27/12/2009 21:38

ISNT - "I would say simply look in the mirror - but that unfortuantely rarely works as our perceptions of ourselves are so distorted."

Er, yes! A few years back, when I was emerging from a very serious depression, I went to the gym every day. The scale in the women's changing room was in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror, and I weighed myself on every visit. I weighed 7 stone. I'm 5'7". I genuinely thought I looked great. 'Distorted' is right.

fairycake123 · 27/12/2009 21:41

Mathanxiety nailed it.

tethersjinglebellend · 27/12/2009 21:43

moondog, I have seen your posts on a number of threads about food/weight issues. They worry me a little.

Can I ask if you find staying thin an easy task, or is it something you have to work at? If that's too personal a question, don't worry- I'm just curious.

dittany · 27/12/2009 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 27/12/2009 21:46

Yes, what mathanxiety said.

Not surprised OP han't been back to post on this thread.

However, I will say this.

When I was with my controlling, EA ex I was VERY overweight. Now I'm not. After splitting up with him, I quickly lost a lot of weight without making a conscious effort to do so.

Now, I'm not an expert on this at all but as they say in America, you do the math!