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Original poster

DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

388 replies

dmmum · 27/12/2009 16:09

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Pantofino · 27/12/2009 20:26

And IMLH, as your mother is obviously obese and putting her health at risk, do you tell her what she should/shouldn't be eating....?

Morloth · 27/12/2009 20:30

Sorry dittany thought it was you, might not even have been on this board.

It is a good point though, you see it happening even with little kids, even with loving parents who adore their daughters. I have one good friend from a very patriarchal culture who will simultaneously try to stuff more food down my DS's throat and limit her DD's intake because he needs it.

Just another way for women to be controlled IMO. I eat heaps, heaps and heaps (stacks more than I did when I was fat) because I am always working out and even though I am plainly not overweight I have had girlfriends act surprised by my enjoying food.

DH wouldn't dare.

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 20:34

OK if you put, say 6ft (which I guess is the general maximum height for a woman) into the NHS BMI calculator along with 13st 7, that comes out as just on the overweight line. 16st and 6ft puts you on the obese borderline.

But most women are not 6ft, I think the average height is 5 ft 4. So let's try that.

  • being 10 st 7 puts you on the overweight borderline
  • being 13st puts you quite far into the obese category.

Can anyone tell me what weight a size 18 lady would be approximately?

Also, yes she does have joint problems, not serious but she is only 50.

poshsinglemum · 27/12/2009 20:34

My abusive ex used to control what I ate ''for health reasons'' of course.

Run like the wind. I wound up with an eating disorder. Men like this are really creepy.

scottishmummy · 27/12/2009 20:36

cochrane library world?s best medical research studies, and is recognised as the gold standard in evidence-based health care.

but this isnt wholly about op wt.is about her dh and how he chooses to berate her and and only she knows why he does so

fairycake123 · 27/12/2009 20:36

Seriously OP, it does sound like his approach is extremely unhelpful, and probably totally counterproductive.
Nobody likes being sneered at or judged, and it sounds like you're getting that a lot. It must be very upsetting.

I'm not at all surprised that you overeat when he's not there to witness it, because most people do have a somewhat complicated relationship with food, and if there's no other readily available source of comfort then food is an excellent fallback. I typically opt for booze, which is much worse

But I also think it sounds like your weight isn't the primary issue here. It just sounds to me like your battles are being fought through the issue of your weight, if that makes sense. He clearly has a pig-ignorant view of depression, which makes me fucking furious - sorry, but it really is a hot-button issue for me. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he genuinely think he knows better than the bloody Royal College of Psychiatrists? Maybe, in his ignorance, he has developed the (erroneous) view that you are "weak-willed" and need to be sniped at to get you back on track.

Do you think there's any hope for the future? Is there any way at all you could get him to engage in some kind of counselling? Or maybe this is just a phase and it'll blow over? I don't know. I do think he's being a wanker though, and I think there are far, far worse things to be than overweight.

Morloth · 27/12/2009 20:37

BMI is bullshit if you do any sort of weight bearing exercise. I weigh almost 80kgs usually and wear a 10-12 (am 5'7"ish). I actually weigh less now than I do when I am lifting (weight lifting not compatible with late pregnancy) and am wearing larger sizes all over (not just on the bump).

moondog · 27/12/2009 20:37

Women.
Always their own worst enemies.

'You go girlfriend! Eat your bodyweight in kebabs/cheap chocolate/chips! Fat? Fuck, no! Curvy! Happy! Brimming with self esteem!'

What a sinister message.
Meanwhile, the purveyors of cheap food rub their hands in glee and wait for you to refill your trolleys as you puff and wheeze through the aisles.

Wake up!

dittany · 27/12/2009 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 27/12/2009 20:38

I remember the thread you were on IMLH and yes, the advice was along the lines of listen to your DH, but it was more than that wasn't it? People were acccusing you of having issues with food and how food had become an element of control in your relationship.

OP- Your DH sounds angry with you. Is he ? Are you very overweight? I am afraid I don't go along with this idea of "love me, love my fat, roly-poly unhealthy body for the next 30 year attitude."

I know that love is not about beauty or body shape, but if anyone ( not you) does not resemble the person their partner married, it is bound to cause friction. That's so whether they are male or female.

His behaviour just doesn't sound loving. What's getting to him?

moondog · 27/12/2009 20:38

'Does he genuinely think he knows better than the bloody Royal College of Psychiatrists?'

Do you then Fairy know what they know?
Please then do fill us in on the latest.

scottishmummy · 27/12/2009 20:41

dittany,i am off work now.so no wont be links for the bleeding obvious that high bmi is bad for you and has increased co-morbidity for cva,chd etc

I personally dont need to search links as the studies are there and plentiful.do try cochrane

dittany · 27/12/2009 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairycake123 · 27/12/2009 20:43

Morloth - "even though I am plainly not overweight I have had girlfriends act surprised by my enjoying food"

Isn't it depressing? I hate it when my friends refer to "being naughty" or "treating themselves" if they eat a fucking biscuit. Gah.

InMyLittleHead · 27/12/2009 20:43

Yes, but pp everyone was determined that the 'control issue' was mine rather than his. From the information I gave, one could have as easily drawn the conclusion that he was trying to make me eat more to turn me into his 'ideal'. Of course, that is far more sinister than the reality. But because I was thin rather than fat, it was immediately my issue rather than his.

Yes Morloth muscle definitely makes a difference, but as the OP's husband was having a crack (unfairly) about her not doing enough exercise I reckon it's safe enough to rule high muscle mass out.

dittany · 27/12/2009 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 27/12/2009 20:44

Ah so Dittany what is your solution?
Discuss 'self esteem' and 'emotional issues'?

It doesn't work.Only thing that does is simple equation of less in,more out.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is a charlatan.
Remember, an entire industry worth £££ is built on 'self esteem' myth.

fairycake123 · 27/12/2009 20:44

moondog - "Do you then Fairy know what they know?
Please then do fill us in on the latest."

Um , yes - they know that depression exists. The OP has previously made reference to her husband thinking depressed people should pull themselves together.

What is your problem here, exactly?

Morloth · 27/12/2009 20:45

IMLH I was commenting more on the BMI being used as the be all and end all of health indicators.

moondog · 27/12/2009 20:46

Reference please then Fairy as opposed to your vapid comments.
Although, having said that, how did we move on from being fat and it not being good for you to denying depression exists?

dittany · 27/12/2009 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pantofino · 27/12/2009 20:49

But moondog, no-one has mentioned junk food. Did the OP say she was necking kebabs the moment his back was turned...?

Maybe she had a biscuit. Or a quality street. It IS xmas after all. This ISN'T really about food. More about her DH and their relationship.

I have a friend who is married to a strict vegetarian. She has bought a kebab and sat in the garage to eat it. She CRAVED it yet had to eat it in secret because it would not be approved of. She is dead skinny too.

But I worry more that she feels that she can't eat what she likes in a house that she pays for, rather than her BMI.

fairycake123 · 27/12/2009 20:49

You want a reference to back up my claim that the RCP believes that PND exists?

moondog · 27/12/2009 20:51

If the OP is fat she is obviously eating too much.#Simple as that.

Fairy, don't fret your little head.
Really.

Kaloki · 27/12/2009 20:51

"Discuss 'self esteem' and 'emotional issues'?
It doesn't work."

Actually it can, if someone is comfort eating due to depression, then removing the depression will remove the need to comfort eat. Also depression causes lethargy. So helping decrease the depression will improve diet and increase exercise. Which will in turn help decrease depression. And so on.