DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

[dmmum]

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

Sorry moondog, I think things have become a bit snarled up and confused: my comment was directed at, and was a response to, the OP - it wasn't aimed at you or any of the points you've been raising.

Dittany- how can a partner be expected to mind his/her own business when they see their partner eating/smoking/whatevering themselves into ill health?

This topic has moved far beyond the original post- can't we get back to it for the sake of the OP and leave personal experiences out of it?

The OP's DH is unhappy with their relationship, and food/lying in bed etc are his means of having a go at her. They need to address the root cause of his anger, not just the eating issue.

And while we are on it, having 2 kids is no excuse for weight gain. You only put on excessive weight during PG if you overeat- I put on just over a stone nad had 2 DCs around 7lbs each and was back to normal weight within days/weeks.

I'd say that this couple need counselling, and if he won't go, OP you need to ask if you really want to be married tohim at all.

No, sorry moondog, here it is - should have done it in the first place really!

But Moondog, micromanaging someone else's weight is not kind, and if nothing else, doesn't work. This isn't about weight though. It's about her DH's disapproval. She also mentioned that he pokes her in the back for not getting up early enough....

Moondog, do you think that people who gain weight due to needing steroids or other medications which cause weight gain should just 'eat less and move more'? There are a variety of medical conditions which cause weight gain (underactive thyroid, for instance)regardless of what is eaten or how much exercise is taken. How helpful do you think it is to bully people in those circumstances about how disgusting and greedy they are?

I think what is telling about the OP is that her DH makes nasty comments about her sleeping in, and that he pays her no attention, no affection etc, so I think the issue for her is about more than just concern for her weight - he really does sound controlling and emotionally abusive IMHO. Lol at bigger than a size 10 being moderately overweight, by the way!

"First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!
"

This is the OP - why are all the posts about her being obese? This is NOT what this is about! Grrrr

I'm off for seconds of trifle.
Oh, and more wine.

"op,you can't blame him for you being fat unless he forces it into you."

She can blame him however for making nasty comments about her weight.

As someone who has been extremely overweight (at one point I was 155kgs), there is an awful lot of head fuckery going on that needs to be dealt with in order to get it off (and keep it off).

Food becomes both a pleasure and a stick to beat yourself with.

Yeah dittany, two studies - big whoop.

So why does the entire bloody NHS and dept of health concentrate so hard on getting people to stay in the 'normal' BMI range. I'm pretty sure it's not about control of women's bodies and more about stopping people pointlessly using NHS resources for the simple reason that they are too fat. This would suggest that being overweight has health implications.

And moondog although I've agreed with you about the whole 'when people say you're fat, it's cos they're meanies' thing, I definitely think that food is an emotional/psychological crutch, and talking about it can help you understand why you use it like you do, and lead to healthier eating habits. Consciously overeating is a sign of self abuse.

The problem though is that the NHS employee telling you that you need to cut back is likely to be a woman weighing about 50 stone herself. There was a thing about it recently that I am not going to be able to reference.

Do as I say, not as I do, is not likely to work...

IMLH - "Consciously overeating is a sign of self abuse."

I agree with this. A very close friend of mine is a binge eater. I've only seen her do it once and it was very disturbing: she was clearly in physical pain and she still didn't/couldn't stop. She used to be a terrible self-harmer and I think she's just substituted eating for cutting.

Dittany says "The smug people coming on here talking about how thin they are will not be helping the OP, and that includes you PP unfortunately."

errr...where did I say I was thin? I mentioned my pre and post PG weight but as my DCs are now in their 20s that is a long time ago!
what I DID say was that PG is no excuse for weight gain. I have no friends or family for that matter who are fat as a result of childbirth.

This point was not aimed at the OP but at others here who blamed PG for their weight gain.

Lots of defensiveness etc here about weight- the OP problems are relationship issues of which her weight is a minor factor, I'd say.

Thing is in moondog world, she and mr moondog are I'm sure both similarly forthright with each other, have similar approaches to eating and exercise and would happily prod each other in the tum if they got rotund.

If moondog was married to someone like my DH, the result of the same behaviour would be misery, closet eating, depression and divorce.

Takes all sorts and all that.

I would never presume to tell a heroin addict how straightforward it is to come off it. Just stop sticking the needle in. Easy.

Agree that the OP's problem is that her partner is a bully and a knobber. And yes, actually, misogyny is relevant when discussing women's weight. Until very recently, for a woman to enjoy food and eat what she wanted was seen as a serious moral failing in a way that a man enjoying food was not. There have been thousands of years of a culture which reserves the majority of food and the best food for men and boys (as though the manufacture of semen somehow burns far more calories than, ooh, being pregnant or breastfeeding...).

"I would never presume to tell a heroin addict how straightforward it is to come off it. Just stop sticking the needle in. Easy."

It's the same with anything like this. It's always so so easy from the outside.

Fairycake > I have a friend like that, it breaks my heart.

IMLH there have been several studies which show that a little bit of fat- such as half a stone to a stone - can be protective in health terms in older , post-meno women for certain diseases. Offset this though against other studies that link obesity quite clearly to rises in breast cancer. The current epidemic of breast cancer is linked to fatness nad an affluent lifestyle.

In reality what this means is it probably okay to go up 1 dress size, as long as you are in the normal range of size 8-14 (ish) anyway- but if you are a size 20 then size 22 is still not okay!

There is also a lot of evidence that supports low food intake=longevity- as the more food your body has to cope with, the harder it has to work and the more chance there is off things going wrong at a DNA level- and cancer risk. However, other studies show that a low body weight puts you at risk from other diseases, especially osteoporosis.

Kaloki - "It's always so so easy from the outside."

Amen to that. I remember how hideous I was to my sister when she was depressed and I'd never experienced it. I got my comeuppance, savagely. It was awful, obviously, but at least I've learned now that I don't know everything about every human experience.