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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
yummyyummyyummy · 19/12/2009 18:20

I think it pretty common to have a bigger party and then just 3 or 4 of closest friends for a sleepover after/before .

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:22

Common but pretty dreadful.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 19/12/2009 18:22

I think YABU - the world isn't an inclusive place.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:22

But this is about teaching your dcs to think of others and not having it all surely.

OP posts:
bellavita · 19/12/2009 18:24

I'm with MsDoctor. All kids, or none at all.

There was a thread about this very same thing not so long ago. There was one child left out of the sleep over.

FlamingoCrimbo · 19/12/2009 18:24

I don't really understand the OP, I'm afraid! Do you mean it's not ok to have a party unless you invite every single friend you have in case some feel left out?

BaileysMeansChristmas · 19/12/2009 18:25

I agree, if a sleepover then invite a small amount of people that can stay over.

YANBU - Why cause hurt when there is no need, esp. in small children. I know your ds isn't hurt but some of the children there might have been.

No need IMHO

lovechoc · 19/12/2009 18:25

I can't see what's wrong with it tbh. You can't be close friends with everyone in life. You learn as you go along who your close circle of friends are, and you can't include everyone in that! Life isn't like that and IMHO it's better they find that out the earlier the better.

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 19/12/2009 18:26

Depends on the ratios. 10 at party and 3 sleepover is ok. 4 at party and 3 sleepover is not ok. Most children wouldn't be allowed to have loads of friends for a sleeepover for various good reasons. It seems a shame to miss out on the party because not everyone can be accomadated at the sleepover.

bellavita · 19/12/2009 18:27

Flamingo - there is a party where say 10 kids have been invited. Out of that 10, there are 5 that have been invited to sleep over afterwards, leaving the other 5 just to go home.

BaileysMeansChristmas · 19/12/2009 18:28

The sleepover should be on a different day to the party if thats the case.

And you are never too learn to learn to be considerate about other peoples feelings. Being taught that its ok to exclude people is not OK

BaileysMeansChristmas · 19/12/2009 18:29

--learn- young

pooka · 19/12/2009 18:29

No, she means that she doesn't agree with two tier parties i.e. 8 children invited for the day bit, 2 of whom are then collected and remaining 6 stay for sleepover. Cue the 2 being collected feeling left out.

Where I stand on it is that if dd wanted to do sleepover and day party, she'd either have v. small number for day thing and the same kids to stay. Or have day party and then a week or so later, a couple of friends for a sleepover.

I say this. However I am not looking forward to the possibility of a sleepover party in the slightest and secretly hope that it's never requested.

BaileysMeansChristmas · 19/12/2009 18:29

learn young

BaileysMeansChristmas · 19/12/2009 18:30

pooka said it a lot better than me

FlamingoCrimbo · 19/12/2009 18:30

Sorry, but I just think that's real life, and it's up to parents to explain to children who have been left out why that is the case and to help them learn how to deal with any feelings that arise because of it.

How many people have a wedding and invite extra people to the evening do?

It just is how life is - shit sometimes!

PixieOnaChristmasTree · 19/12/2009 18:32

I'm afraid that I actually don't agree with this one - does that mean that it's not OK to go to school during the day and play with lots of friends but then only invite one back for a playdate?

bellavita · 19/12/2009 18:33

Sorry Flamingo, but I don't think you can compare a wedding - day and evening do to a childs party. Although some adults are worse than children at feeling left out.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:38

I am trying to say, and others have said it better, that have a sleepover or a party with lots of guests. Have the sleepover on a different day.

As for weddings I actually hate the two tier 'we like you enough for everything but you only enough for the cheap evening buffet'.

The greater lesson here would be one of considering others and including everyone over a child learning about rejection.

OP posts:
nannynobnobs · 19/12/2009 18:42

I agree that it looks a bit mean. Having to explain to your child when you collect them that no, they can't stay for more fun even though some of the others are- it's a bit grinchy. I'd only invite the kids intended for the sleepover, or have them on separate days.

FabioTwitterCat · 19/12/2009 18:42

Were all members of the class invited to this party? or was no one from school invited?

dilemma456 · 19/12/2009 18:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:44

No, five girls and four boys....only three boys stayed for the sleepover. I admit you can't invite the whole class, ds is relatively new and so we have had many conversations about numbers and some people will always be left out....

OP posts:
dinoroar · 19/12/2009 18:49

YANBU. People need to teach their children to respect the feelings of others. Ranking the guests into those good enough to stay and those not is IMO not a good example to set to children.

Regarding wedding evening and day invites - in general, i don't like that sort of ranking either. It does have a place though, I think it's OK to invite a bunch of say 10 work colleagues to the evening do only. It's worse just to invite your fave work colleague to it all as they won't know anyone aside from their partner should they be allowed to bring one.

FabioTwitterCat · 19/12/2009 18:51

So he left out some members of the class (fair enough - presuming that 9 guests represented less than half the class - ie lots left out). And then his mum didn't want more than 3 kids sleeping over?

They weren't teaching him to be selfish and spoilt, they just didn't want 9 extra kids to sleepover. Who would.

Life isn't completely even handed - sometimes you just can't be. This other kid's parents have different ideas to you. You win some, you lose some. Your ds was invited to a party - how nice. tbh I think you're making too much of this.