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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
QOD · 20/12/2009 09:35

You come across as very smug & perfect to be honest, life ain't fair and children have to learn.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/12/2009 09:39

Not read all the posts...

The thing that occurs though is that if it's only children who can sleep over can come to party, which necessarily means smaller numbers, then others won't just be excluded from the sleepover, they will be excluded from the party too. Which is surely worse.

I vaugely remember this happening at school and can't remember being fussed. You knew there wasn't enough space for everyone and the birthday girl chose her best friends.

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 09:48

'birthday girl chose her best friends'

This is the crux of it and I am sure that all the DCs are fine with the best friends bit-it is the parent who can't cope that their DC isn't the best friend. My DSs went to lots of parties where they weren't the best friend and the lack of sleepover wouldn't have bothered them. In fact DS2 hated sleepovers so he would have been very relieved to go home!

spicemonster · 20/12/2009 09:57

I also think it's a really sad state of affairs if you feel that if you can't invite everyone from a group of friends, you should invite no one. I live in a smallish flat and there is no way I can have all my friends over at once - I simply don't have the room. So I do them in groups. And some of them get invited more than others because (shock) I actually like some of them more. How is that wrong?

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 20/12/2009 10:01

I don't know any brats personally but stereotypically I think it is brattier behaviour to

a) Have a party costing £1000s and invite every person you can claim an acquaintance with a la Beckhams rather than limit yourself to your actual friends

b) Expect to be invited to every event that every acquaintance hosts

c) Have a birthday party and a birthday sleepover on separate days thus dragging your birthday out as if it is a week long feast

d) Expect an acquaintance to not have his best friends for a sleepover in case your feelings are hurt

e) Expect other people to generally fall in with your ideas and bow to your superior wisdom over something as run of the mill as a 7 yo party.

The non sleepover children are not being 'sent away from the fun'. They are being picked up at the end of the party along with the majority of other guests.

Why shouldn't people think about the practicalities of space? If the people who allegedly had their feelings hurt thought about the practicalities of space a bit more and thought about their egos a bit less then they might realise that the actions of other people are not a personal slight against them.

mrsruffallo · 20/12/2009 10:05

well put, parachute

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 10:08

I think that sums it up beautifully parachute-there is no more to be said!!

ChippingIn · 20/12/2009 10:30

Well, if you are happy to upset some of the children so that your child can do as they please then that's up to you - as it's up to me if I prefer to think of the feelings of all the children involved and I think sending some home when they are all having fun is not nice.

spicemonster - it's not about how many you invite (space wise) it's about getting halfway through the event & sending half of them home - it's really not the same thing.

parachute you are really missing the point -
a) It is not about spending £1000's -
b) It is not about expecting to be invited to every event.
c) Choosing to allow a sleep over on another night does not turn it into a 'week long feast'.
d) It is not about inviting best mates to a sleep over.

& it certainly isn't about expecting everyone to bow to my superior wisdom...

It is about having a sleep over follow on from a party where children are sent home part way through the fun (and yes they are, slightly less so if the party isn't at home, but none the less the kids know that the others are continuting the party without them) and my opinion that this is not a nice thing to do. In my opinion it is nicer to do them as separate things and thus not have any children feeling left out.

... and you know what, I am entitled to my opinion here and in RL just as you and others are.

Divatheshopaholic · 20/12/2009 10:38

i think its wrong to have party and say good bye to half of them to lket it go.
i would choose to have sleepover on different day.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 10:39

ChippingIn...perfect. I am assuming your dcs have lovely manners and are taught to think of others, rare but lovely!!!!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 10:40

The problem comes from people having ridiculous large parties when the DC is under 6yrs old-DCs get the idea that any party must include them! Parties then get smaller and by the time the DC actually minds whether they get an invitation or not people have stopped having them!! One DC per yr would seem sensible to me and then a 5 yr old would have 5 friends.
I thought parachute summed it all up beautifully. I can see that you have an entirely different view ChippingIn, but you need to prepare your DC for the fact that life isn't fair - people have always held 'unfair' parties and people will always hold 'unfair' parties-mainly because they aren't 'unfair' to the person holding them. Life will never ever be fair-help your DC accept it. It is only a party.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 10:43

Preparing your child for the unfairness of life and assisting your child in being unfair and inconsiderate are quite different.

OP posts:
PetrusPoo · 20/12/2009 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deaddei · 20/12/2009 10:47

How many 7 year olds actually choose their own party anyway- surely the parents decide as they're in charge!!!
Ms doctor- just off to read my ORT books to assist my reading [hmmm] despite my 1st class honours English degree.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 10:48

I have a first class honours degree in theology and yet I still have no faith....sometimes degrees don't mean that much do they?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 20/12/2009 10:52

piscesmoon - did I say that my children had been upset by this or did I say I would not hurt other childrens feelings by sending them home halfway through my childs party? Try actually reading what has been written instead of making assumptions.

Trust me - children learn that life isn't bloody fair and some of them do it in a much harder way than not going to a party - so please don't presume to know anything about my childrens lives.

Also, as MrsDoctor has pointed out, learning life is unfair and being unfair are not the same thing!

PetrusPoo - LOL someone who has an entire separate wing and 'help' I would assume

diddl · 20/12/2009 10:54

I knew I´d get picked on for my previous comment!

But I stand by it-why can´t I spoil my children on their birthday?

And if there´s no room for all friends to stay over, why should that mean that none can?

ChippingIn · 20/12/2009 10:55

& sorry MsDoctor

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 11:07

I am a Mrs..but it doesn't sound as sexy!!

OP posts:
lilackaty · 20/12/2009 11:27

I may have read it wrong but did all the children get collected at the same time and some were going back later or was it only those who were not sleeping over?
And I agree with diddl - it's their birthday; their choice, within reason.

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 11:27

I am afraid my DCs are very rude then! I refuse to be blackmailed into having a ridiculously large party just so that we can return invitations!! If there is a class of 30 and 15 of them invite the whole class then at least 10 of them are going to consider us rude or unfair when we hold a party and invite 5 DCs. If they want large parties that is up to them but I'm not going to do it!
I did read your post ChippingIn

'Well, if you are happy to upset some of the children so that your child can do as they please then that's up to you - as it's up to me if I prefer to think of the feelings of all the children involved and I think sending some home when they are all having fun is not nice.'

I wouldn't do it myself, mainly because I avoid 'wakeovers', but I don't think it is a major upset if someone does it. As a DC I wasn't keen on parties anyway and having to do a sleepover would have been an added torment-so probably I don't understand it in the first place!! I really wonder how many DCs are as upset as the parents seem to be?

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 20/12/2009 11:34

Its near to impossible to make any choice that is absolutley 'fair' for everyone.

Having a whole class birthday might be fair on the whole class but unfair on the child who wants to only have his friends and unfair on the parents who are paying for it, unfair on the parents of 2 or 3 or 4 dcs who have to buy 60,90 or 120 birthday presents and take their children to 60, 90 or 120 parties every year and arrange childcare for their non invited children. Having 2 or 3 friends out of 10 come back for a sleepover after a party might be unfair to the 7 or 8 who don't (although they don't seem to think so) but it would be unfair to the birthday child to not be able to spend more time with his special friends if he couldn't have anyone and unfair to his parents to have to look after everybody overnight.

I could see the point a bit better if it was the majority staying and only 1-2 going home or if the children were rubbing their noses in it or if they said something like 'we will have the cake and icecream later when the real party starts or if the actual party was in the house (which, imo, would be like sending them away half way through). No one has posted to say that their child has been upset by this happening. It was common practice when I was a child and it was never an issue. You knew who your closest friends were and understood you wouldn't be invited to everything. I'm all for being kind and considerate to people generally but as the children think its reasonable then I don't understand the problem. The trade off for them is they get to be invited to lots of parties and a few sleepovers and get to have a sleepover themselves on their own birthday rather than just get invited to parties.

Children understand that parties are bigger than sleepovers and playdates. We need to give them credit for that.

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 11:42

I was under the impression that a party was a fun way of celebrating a DCs birthday!
I found it very simple. Decided with DC what they wanted to do-told them how many friends they could invite-sent out invitations and held the party.
Perhaps parties should be banned -or every parent of potential guests should be canvassed for opinion first!
I will leave you to it- but there won't be agreement -parties will always be seen as unfair by some people, therefore the best thing is to help you DC over things that are 'unfair' or 'unkind'.

Morloth · 20/12/2009 11:53

I had no idea children's parties were such a fraught event.

Thank the lord, everyone I know seems to be on the same page, i.e. we don't give a fuck.

Swings and roundabouts really - it all works out in the end.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/12/2009 12:22

I think I just don't understand this position at all. OP said that on her ante-natal group of however many it was (8?) she would always invite all of them when doing anything.

Throughout my life I have invited just one or
two, depending on who I got on with. At university when I was going for a drink I would go with a couple of friends rather than ask everyone on my course, my postnatal group met in smaller groups it was rarely everyone all at the same time. Ditto work I would go for lunch with the people i got on with rather than invite the whole team/office/whatever.

I honestly haven't come across this "all or nothing" approach before.

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