Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 18:58

Parties seem a mine field these days. It is very common, so they have to get used to it. If I was doing it with a sleepover, I would have a maximum of 2 guests and just go out somewhere and it would be instead of a party. However you have to allow for the fact that people will do it that way - and help your DC over the disappointment.

diddl · 19/12/2009 19:04

If you can´t let your child do what they want for their birthday, when can you?

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 19/12/2009 19:10

I agree with Fabio.

I think you are being a bit glass is half empty about it. He was invited to the party and presumably had a nice time. Its perfectly reasonable to not want 10, 7yo in the house all night as well as your other dcs.

I don't see it as teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt at all, in fact I think it is teaching them to be spoilt to allow them to have huge parties and huge sleepovers. We can't afford to have whole class parties so they only have their closest friends. Do you think my children should choose to never have a party in case the 70% of the class who aren't invited have their feelings hurt?

The children in the class will know who is having a party, who is having a playdate, who is having a sleepover etc. and will not expect to be invited to everything. If the child had a sleepover on a different day your ds, along with the rest of the class would have known about it and known he was not going.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:16

A couple of points, I am not starting a thread for my poor left out ds, he's fine thankfully. More a comment on attitudes such as diddl that your dcs birthday is a day to forget about being kind, considerate and thoughtful. I just had a conversation with ds and he (not knowing about the sleepover only thinks a few were going back) thought it was unfair that the whole class couldn't go...that's my boy. I talked about doing things on your birthday that may make it difficult to have everyone and he agreed, still saying he felt sorry for the children not invited.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 19/12/2009 19:17

I find that attitude to wedding invites quite odd. You can't possibly always invite everyone all day - the cost could be astronomical. So I would (and do) see an evening invite as "I'd love you to share and celebrate my wedding day, but financial/practical/family constraints mean I can only ask you come along for the evening".

The 'cheap buffet' comment is awful. It's not about what the person spends on 'your' portion of the day, it's that they think enough of you to invite you to their wedding. And I never expect 'all day' invites to the weddings of anyone but close family. Even good friends have family they wish, or need, to put first.

Perhaps you should worry more about your attitude to invitations than your son being offered only the 'low-grade' element of a party. So long as my DC wasn't the only one left out of a sleep-over after a party, I wouldn't be at all bothered.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:18

This is not about my son, it is about the principle of having a party and a selective sleep over.

OP posts:
FlamingoCrimbo · 19/12/2009 19:20

Why are we trying to protect our children from sad feelings so much? Seriously, if you had to invite all your acquaintances to every gathering you ever organised, you'd have to be extremely rich - hence you tend to ask the friends you are closest to.

I don't think a birthday is an excuse to forget about being considerate, but it's not inconsiderate to only invite a few very close friends to a party, it's realistic.

Yes, we should feel sorry for any children/adults/whatever who aren't invited and who might feel sad about it, but that is life.

wonderingwondering · 19/12/2009 19:21

I know, your DS is fine. But I don't agree with your attitude to it. If it is one child being left out after a day out, then that is pointed and unkind. Allowing your child to continue their birthday with a couple of friends is fine. You don't allow them to crow about it in front of others, along the lines of 'we're going to have DVDs and icecream later' but I don't think it is selfish to take two best friends home after a day out.

kslatts · 19/12/2009 19:24

YABU, for dd's birthday we had a party at a local restaurant and then a couple of her closest friends came back and stayed the night, I can't see anything wrong with it. The main party is the restaurant.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:25

So many of you would allow your child to do the same then? Have a party for ten and invite three/four over for a sleepover? I just think it's wrong and sends the message to that child that their feelings are more important than others.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:26

I wonder how the other friends felt kslatts or didn't you think about that? Perhaps it was a lesson that you were kindly teaching?

OP posts:
vjg13 · 19/12/2009 19:27

YANBU, I think they should have split up the two events. I would feel very uncomfortable about making some of the kids go home.

FlamingoCrimbo · 19/12/2009 19:28

OMG - no it doesn't send that message at all. It just sends a message that a parent only has limited resources and can only cope with a certain number for a sleepover!

Do you think there's a reason you can't cope with thinking that it's ok to not invite every single person you know to every single thing you organise?

Your DS (or whichever child is being left out) is learning about friendships and relationships and about dealing with sad feelings. All important lessons. Children are going to be mightily shocked when they grow up to find that actually they don't get invited to every single thing going and will continue being very upset. What they need to learn is that it is ok to have close friends, and not so close friends, and that these 'statuses' change as time goes on, and that that is ok.

wonderingwondering · 19/12/2009 19:29

You seem to have made up your mind over this: I think it is just a recognition that a child has one or two best friends.

I'm still astonished that you take such offence at an evening invite to a wedding. So I suppose the 'all or nothing' approach is one you subscribe to. But would you be happier if your DS hadn't been invited at all?

grgrgrenouille · 19/12/2009 19:30

A huge difference between this and a wedding is that with a wedding some people arrive late - they don't get sent home early while other people get to watch them leave while staying on to have fun. That would be a nightmare of embarrassment for adults.

I think it is good for kids to understand that not everyone is a best friend and that's OK. They won't be everyone's best friend and the people they know won't all be their best friends. But also they should understand that they have to be tactful and diplomatic and kind in situations where they have to publically classify their friends in that way and arranging things so that only a minority of guests get sent home early is not kind IMO. If it's a majority I think it's fine. Sending only one boy home if the boys generally play together is a bit borderline.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:32

I don't think that you have to invite everyone to everything as an adult, just that if I am part of a group say an antenatal group with six women I wouldn't have a dinner party for four or five of us, two/three maybe. I would organise events that everyone could attend.

If I was having a #Christmas gathering at my huge house (the 15/25 story) I wouldn't have a themed party for 15 when I could easily accommodate 25 people for drinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:34

grgrgrenouille

Said so much better than me.

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsake · 19/12/2009 19:37

I don't understand.

No-one is entitled to everything. Lucky for DS to be invited to the party. So he didn't get the sleep over, but he didn't have a problem with it.

I suppose it boils down to your own personal outlook. Either your cup is half-full or half-empty. You obviously feel hard-done to on his behalf. He's perfectly happy with his lot.

I just don't understand why it has to be all or nothing. Unless he was the only one who didn't get to stay.

I actively don't have a 'everyone must have the same' policy towards my children, because I know that over time it will all pan out. I want them to be happy with what they have and happy for each other when its their turn. Its got something to do with gratitude not greed.

Clary · 19/12/2009 19:44

Errrr no it's pretty usual among my DCs' pals to have a party for a dozen kids (or even fewer) and then have bessie mate or two staying over. Everyone's fine about it.

Why is it dreadful? Is it not OK to have several good friends and one or two best friends? That's certainly what my DD has.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:51

I will assert this once more, it is not about my ds who was oblivious, it is about children thinking they should have everything at the expense, sometimes, of others.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 19/12/2009 19:52

"I just had a conversation with ds and he (not knowing about the sleepover only thinks a few were going back)"

Eh? But there were only a few weren't there? Three children out of nine invited to the party in total. Seems okay to me. You can't have nine children at a sleepover - would be mayhem.

I don't think that's brideszilla at all.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/12/2009 19:52

I read the title and thought but actually YANBU in that children should be taught inclusivity and it IS a part of life now. Well it is becoming so through more and more legislation.

It's not a fair way to deal with children and I do think a lot of people disregard other people's children because they're 'just kids'. Yet they're quick to shout if it's theirs being left out.

However, there is a big difference between 10 children being invited and 8/9 staying over and 20 children being invited and 3/4 staying over. I'd say the latter is more reasonable.

yummyyummyyummy · 19/12/2009 19:52

In your DS's case it was maybe a bit off if 4 boys were invited and then 3 slept over , but if it had been 10 boys with 3 sleeping over then that would be fine.TBH you sound very churlish , your DS was to invited the party but you want more, more, more.YYou've already said that your DS couldn't care less.It sounds as if you can't bear for your DS to be everybody's bestest friend.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:53

PS I did talk to ds about how lucky he was to go to the party being relatively new and that they must really like him to invite him, his response was that he felt sorry for the children who didn't go and then we talked about what he may like to do and whether that would include everyone or have something that couldn't accommodate the whole class. I guess I have done quite a good job in helping my son think of other people and not just himself (on this one occasion).

OP posts:
Original poster
MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 19:57

'TBH you sound very churlish , your DS was to invited the party but you want more, more, more.YYou've already said that your DS couldn't care less.It sounds as if you can't bear for your DS to be everybody's bestest friend.'

Seriously?

This is not about ds, he's fine. As much as I adore him I understand he's not the top of anyone else's list and he doesn't go to every party. This really is about how other parents push little Johnny or Jemima into a bubble of being the most important things in the universe.

OP posts: