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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 20/12/2009 13:45

But I don't think that having 3 children out of 9 to stay on after the party for a sleepover is inconsiderate.

I think it is absolutely fair enough. Not everyone can be best friends with everyone, there will always be limits and financial cnstraints etc.

By teaching your child that it is rude for everybody not to always invite everybody to everything you are setting him up for a lifetime of disappointment as your approach is not the norm.

Understanding that people have close friends, friends, casual acquaintances and people they don't like, and that they choose to do different things with different people, and that is no reflection on you as a person, it is just how things are, is a much more useful thing to know. And one that children instinctively understand. Like you said, your DS wasn't fussed. He understood that it wasn't a slight on him.

mrsruffallo · 20/12/2009 13:46

I think I'll stop humouring the OP now. She obviously wants a row as she is not taking into account anything any of the (myriad) posters that disagree with her have posted.

Unless her very best friends were being left out, I really cannot imagine any of the other children being upset about not coming for a sleepover.
OP's son is a good example. He is not at all bothered by the sleepover, yet when he relays this information to mum she starts wittering about hurt feelings etc.
My only conclusion is that mum was very unpopular at school and made to dress in old fashioned clothes

ImSoNotTelling · 20/12/2009 13:47

Concur with mrsr wholeheartedly.

Oblomov · 20/12/2009 13:50

i didn't think that teaching the children to be considerate was the issue here.
I agree..
We are getting nowhere with Op here. time to give up.
I believe Op does not have a ..... balanced view of this.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 13:51

Actually Mrs ruffallo, I was popular with both children and teachers, still never left children out....brought up rather better than that.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 20/12/2009 13:53

Yes, I'm off now, too. Is a completely unrealistic attitude.

And you don't show consideration by insulating children from life's realities, you show it by teaching them how to behave in the face of them, whether they're in the 'have' or 'have-not' group, on any given occasion.

Oblomov · 20/12/2009 14:01

Op is sanctimonious. oh I never left people out. no ? neither did I. and I am not advocating that. But Op can not see this.
inviting 19 out of a class of 20 children, is excluding. 3/4 is excluding. inviting 10 friends round and not your other 15 is not.
Know I know I am very very good at maths, but surely even you can grasp this ?

wonderingwondering · 20/12/2009 14:02

OP, but what a waste of that fine upbringing, as now, upon receiving an invite to the evening of, presumably, a dear friend's wedding, your reaction is 'oh, they're just offering me the cheap buffet, not the fancy all day-dinner.'

Think I'll stick with my current parenting approach!

sheepgomeep · 20/12/2009 14:04

This thread is why I don't do childrens birthday parties in any shape or form (apart from close family) Never have and I never will.

Not many in our school apart from the infants do birthday dos or sleepovers much anyway thank god.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 14:14

I think a dear friend would have me to the whole thing....anyway I didn't say I'd decline just think other cultures 'do' weddings a lot better than here, where there is a wedding, not a wedding breakfast/evening do/church/registry etc.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 14:36

'And you don't show consideration by insulating children from life's realities, you show it by teaching them how to behave in the face of them, whether they're in the 'have' or 'have-not' group, on any given occasion.'

Exactly. If this is the only problem that he comes across in life he will be very lucky!

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 14:44

It is hilarious the amount of posts that seem to have missed that this is not about my son, but about the willful encouragement of parents in their children's selfishness, inconsideration and thoughtlessness. More about the child having the two tier party and what it says about that child and what example the parents set.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 14:45

Any how off now to sort out my broken car and blood shot eye.....

OP posts:
Oblomov · 20/12/2009 15:06

No, I got that it was not specifically about your son. It is your general views that I find shocking.

Ohforfoxsake · 20/12/2009 15:34

I think your 'all or nothing' attitude is pretty crappy.

Appreciate the opportunities you are given with good grace and gratitude.

And encourage your children to do so.

This isn't teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt. Maybe the boy wanted 30 people to sleep over and they spent hours debating it, concluding this was the best and most inclusive way to give him his much wanted sleep-over on his birthday, whilst including as many of his friends as possible. Perhaps lying awake at night worring some loon might perceive them to be awful parents.

If any of my friends thought the way you did I would think they were mad, and not particularly nice if I'm honest.

Morloth · 20/12/2009 15:41

That is because most people don't think that the parents concerned are encouraging selfishness, inconsideration and thoughtlessness.

Most of the people on the thread seem to think you are being a bit weird about kid's parties, I am one of them.

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 16:28

'is not about my son, but about the willful encouragement of parents in their children's selfishness, inconsideration and thoughtlessness. More about the child having the two tier party and what it says about that child and what example the parents set.'

It is a child who very kindly invites quite a few friends to a birthday party and then has 2 of the special friends to stay the night. It isn't a 2 tier party!! It isn't selfish.
It would be inconsiderate, mean and selfish if most stayed and a couple had to go home but this wasn't the case.
People have best friends! They are not machines -programmed to be equally friendly to all. I have lots of very friendly aquaintances, but very few special friends. There are things that I might invite special friends to that I wouldn't invite the people that I am friendly with to. It isn't being mean or selfish and no one would take offence. Your DC can't be the best friend of everyone.
I wouldn't be upset if someone invited me to the evening party of their wedding and not the ceremony or reception-I would appreciate that they thought of me.

Fibilou · 20/12/2009 16:39

"The greater lesson here would be one of considering others and including everyone over a child learning about rejection."

Children HAVE to learn about rejection. They will get rejected when the are older - for jobs, by the opposite se, by colleagues, by universities. Adulthood is all about learning to deal with rejection and I think you are simply setting up your child to fail to deal with it healthily if you don't teach them to deal with it

Fibilou · 20/12/2009 16:52

having read the whole thread now I seriously do think some of you are nutjobs, getting so ariated about a child's birthday party.

God knows how you'll cope when something more serious than not being invited to the sleepover part of a party where 2/3s of the guests weren't invited either happens to your precious little Johnny/Jemima

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 16:54

Obviously I have different values.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 20/12/2009 17:06

Ok I haven't read the thread but from the last few posts clearly it's been a humdinger

Initial reaction for me - it would be extremely rude to invite say, 10 children to your house and send them off knowing that they were not one of the few 'chosen' to sleep over. Height of rudeness really. Strikes me as 'have it all' for the party child with no consideration for the invitees. Either have a sleepover, and invite less kids, or have a party.

shootRudolphinthehip · 20/12/2009 17:22

Whilst I too think that their are some 'nutjobs' on this thread, I do think that it can be very sore for a child to be excluded in these circumstances. However we do very small birthday parties (6 kids including DD at the last one).

My reasons for that are many and varied but fundamentally I don't want to do the all or nothing thing. Because it's not practical or sustainable, emotionally or financially. Life is not fair. What I think is important is that my DC know that they have to be aware of, and sensitive to, the feelings of others. If there are kids that can't be invited to things then my DC have to be careful of their responces to them. That seems a better lesson to share with them than making everything fair all the time.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/12/2009 17:37

I am loving this idea that people on restricted budgets, or who live in small homes, (adults as well as children), basically mustn't have parties as they cannot invite everyone. It is bonkers.

The wedding thing is shock as well. People are upset to get a wedding invitation? If they are not invited to the whole day? Why? it seems very selfish to me. The hosts of all these events either have to shell out a fortune, or not have it at all. Better no invitation than an evening invitation? What a sad state of affairs.

Most people, children included, understand that people have friends who are closer than others. To ignore this normal human fact is bizarre to me.

Fibilou · 20/12/2009 17:47

Well, ISNT, I'm disgusted at myself really. Not only did I have an evening reception at my wedding to which "second class" guests were invited . I'm beginning to think maybe it would be better not to have had a wedding at all, in case some of those evening-only work colleagues might have been offended. And heaven knows what the people who weren't invited thought, no wonder I'm not on their Christmas card list.

I also have a very small house to which my DD will not be able to have 15 people for a sleepover birthday party when the time comes, although we can easily afford birthday parties - do you think I should get her adopted by someone with a vast house that can fit endless sleeping-over children in ? And of course all the requisite beds, as they obviously won't be able to sleep on the floor

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 17:49

ISNT....yes, that is what I said people in small houses shouldn't have parties......

A small gathering is fine, a massive party is fine, a party for some with a sleepover for few is not okay.

[shakes head emoticon].

OP posts:
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