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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

211 replies

brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:01

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

OP posts:
BackUpYourPhotosNow · 08/12/2009 23:27

Who are these parents????

I had the opposite problem at dds 4th birthday party at a play centre. I took my 4 children with me inc a 7 week old baby and 2 mothers brought their 3 yr olds along and legged it! One of them even left another one of her children behind too! I spent my dds birthday v stressedly trying to watch 7 children by myself....

CardyMow · 09/12/2009 02:10

Only read first page, just noticed the time (I have to be up at 7am!). YANBU, I have an SN 6yoDS who WONT stay at parties, hall parties he usually goes to, when I can stay as I always have to take my 11yo DD, and every other weekend my 7 YO DS, BUT I will always help the mother, and tell the older 2 DC's that DS2 is the one who was invited, not them, and they are to behave and not get in the way. At parties like OP's party, in a house on a number crunch, I accept a tentative invite, if DS2 wont stay alone (he hasn't yet) then DS2 GOES HOME WITH ME. It's not fair on party host, and I certainly wouldn't disrespect the hosts wishes. I have a very small house too, haven't done a party at home since DD's 2nd birthday...GOOD LUCK OP!!!!

sarah293 · 09/12/2009 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheFoosa · 09/12/2009 08:19

my dd has been having birthday parties since 3, i have never had a parent who wanted to stay

you can't see them for dust, me included

girlsyearapart · 09/12/2009 09:06

ooh how long is it until I can run away from children's parties?? My dds are 15mo and 2.3?? [hopeful emotcion]

Marking my place to see how many Mums Brook had to give in to host..

madamearcati · 09/12/2009 09:41

girlsyearapart - I think you really need to give it another 6m

girlsyearapart · 09/12/2009 09:44

drat..

2rebecca · 09/12/2009 10:18

I'd just tell the mums that won't leave their kids that if their child doesn't want to be left then it's best if they don't come as the house isn't big enough for extra adults and maybe next year she'll be old enough to go to parties unaccompanied.
I can understand this at 4 or 5, and then we had bouncy castle parties where parents could stay if they wished (none did, they're all very robust up here, no Southern softies). At 7 I would find this odd and would rather not have the hassle. You either accept an invitation or decline it, you don't start saying "my sprog will ateend if..." as though they're doing you a favour by bringing their princess to your house. Very arrogant.

2rebecca · 09/12/2009 10:21

I'd say no to extra kids, after all who would look after the kids if one wasn't at your party? A 7 years old isn't going to be babysitting. Mum can leave the 7 year old at your party and look after the younger ones herself. I'm obviously stroppier than some of you or parents in Scotland are more polite as have never had any uninvited guests at parties, child or adult.

titchy · 09/12/2009 10:55

Bah humbug - drop and run I say. If any insist on staying tell them they have to stay in the garden.

I know someone who doesn't let their child go to anyone else's house. Just in case. Only this year did she start to leave her child at parties, but she waits outside in the car. Just in case. Child is not allowed on school trips unless mum helps out. Just in case. When school says no we don't want you on this trip child suddenly develops coach sickness and mum has to drive her to wherever the trip is. Just in case.

Said child is year 6.

cory · 09/12/2009 11:17

I often wonder how mums who can't cope with playdates because of fears about the other parents are going to cope with the teenage years when the dangers are so much greater and the children themselves much less under your control. Will they insist on boyfriends being CBR checked? On coming clubbing with their teens?

Year 6, titchy, that is scary. We are talking about a child who may well (if female) have reached puberty, who will be going to secondary school in a year's time, whose mates will all start going out on their own within the next few years, whose school will probably be organising residential trips or day trips abroad.

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/12/2009 11:23

Obviously, op, You're darn right you're nbu!

Shame on the posters making you you feel mean and unwelcoming because you do not want a whole crowd of parents and siblings staying at your dd's birthday party.

Honestly, some of you who cheerfully turn up and stay with a sibling in tow (because no one else can look after them, or because its a long way to go and come back again): you should just decline the invite. That is the convention in society. You should say to your child "Little girl's party is at her house. I am going to drop you off and collect you but I won't be able to stay. Do you want to go or not?" and if your child does not want to stay without you then you just say sorry, but no, to the party invite. And you give the party girl a card at the very least, if not a small present as well.

Am astonished by some of the things I have read on this thread. Hope it all works out ok for you OP.

ShinyAndNew · 09/12/2009 11:33

My house is impossibly small. Tiny two bed terraced house.

We are having a party here. Parents are welcome to stay (providing they are not claustrophobic lol). Parents can stay in the living room and children's party will be held in the dining room. No one is allowed in my kitchen other than me and the dog, unless it is to get to the toilet, there is literally only enough space for one person and the dog.

Siblings are welcome and I will making up extra party bags just incase.

I have to take dd2 to parties, or dd1 wouldn't be able to go to any, as I have no childcare for her. It's not fair to expect dd1 not to go to any parties. No one has ever told me that they are unhappy with dd2 being there and I don't expect her to be fed/given party bags etc. I am only making up extra, because I am lovely person . I wouldn't expect any one else to do that.

I think parties etc are a good chance to get to know the other parents. Plus I do know many children don't like being left alone at parties and I'd rather them enjoy themselves and feel secure. Equally I don't mind parents not tsyaing if the child is happy with that, although this doesn't seem to be the done thing around here.

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/12/2009 11:35

Shiny - how old are your children?

cory · 09/12/2009 11:38

I agree with the getting to know other parents when the kids are tiny. But once they get to junior school- do they really need this kind of close inter-parental thing? And how long are you going to keep it up? Should I be coming on my 13yos sleepovers? What about the 9yo? Is there anything wrong with the time honoured system of children popping over to each other's houses to play: my 9yo does that all the time and has been for several years.

To me, there is a mahoosive difference between a 4yo and a 7yo in terms of independence. Partly to do with development, partly to do with the fact that they are expected to be a good deal more independent in junior school than in infants.

thirdname · 09/12/2009 11:40

I would be too busy entertaing the children to be able to have a chat with adults, and would also feel a bit embarrased with adults. Different obviously for small children but 6 YEARS olds.

Also not quite fair to either expect extra party bags for extra children or to have a sibling not get a part). And yes, on occasions I havee given extra partybags/food/chocolate to siblings but I can imagine if you are on a tight budget.

ShinyAndNew · 09/12/2009 11:43

It's her 6th birthady party. The only children I expect will be left is 7yo niece, as her mum is going away and leaving her with mil, who cannot cope with my slovenly house or large numbers of children and my friends child, who virtually lives here most weekends anyway.

So I'd imagine that there will be myself, DH, my sister and three other adults. plus two siblings there along with the invited guests.

Luckily for me after the party DH is taking dd1 and niece back to mils for the night and I am taking my friends child and dd2 back to her house for the night. So I have time to drink copious amounts of wine to help me get over the trauma that is childrens parties

ShinyAndNew · 09/12/2009 11:46

oh dd2 is 2.6. She is 'too difficult' for anyone other than my mum who works 40+ hours a week and my friend to look after apparently. So I don't usually have sitters for parties.

Portofino · 09/12/2009 11:49

My dd is 5.9 and has been going to parties regularly for the last 2 years. I have NEVER stayed with her. There was one occasion in the summer where the party was in the garden, and the parents offered us a beer, so we had a beer and chatted for a bit whilst all the dcs ran round like mad things, then we cleared off and left them to it.

I'm shocked that a 7 yo cannot be left with a friend unaccompanied by a parent.

bellissima · 09/12/2009 11:49

Yanbu. It's one thing when they do a drop and run and leave a crying toddler with you, who clings to your leg and weeps whilst you try and do pass the parcel etc (bitter memories - moi ???). It's another thing altogether at 7 but I know that some mums just won't let go. DD2 (nearly 7) invited to a party recently where they politely announced that, owing to space constraints, no room for anyone other than the invited guest - this, ahem, because there is one very anxious class mum (of an only child) who won't go away and another who does the 'can I bring the younger sister' (who then runs wild whilst she chats with harrassed hostmother). So - yep - a common problem. I'm going to make the same note on the invite when its DD's birthday.

daytoday · 09/12/2009 13:04

Isn't this a case of one size doesn't fit all.

And also, it does depend on the child?

My kids would think I was being really mean not letting a child come to his/her party because the mum wants to stay - even if that mum is just staying because she is a controlling nutcase. It's their party after all. How important is this kid to your child?

There could be a multitude of reasons why children don't want to be left or a parent wants to stay. Children go through all sorts of stops and starts in friendships/schooling. On the whole - we've only ever had one or two parents staying. And they have been a godsend helping clear up at the end.

I am fine with letting my children stay alone, if they are ok with it, from 5 years old onwards. If they are not OK with it, then I would stay for a bit, and try and go - so they learn that they will be fine without me.

daytoday · 09/12/2009 13:12

God, I've just re read your post. 6 mums want to stay? That is a lot. Gosh - why do you think they all want to stay?

Original poster
brook1 · 09/12/2009 13:22

Day, its pretty much the done thing in their class. all the parties I have been to (with the exception of a small tea party for 3 classmates, and the parents have all stayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
brook1 · 09/12/2009 13:25

Also Day, it would be mean of me to exclude a child because they couldnt bring their mum in, I agree. Which is surely why the mum should be explaining to the child that as the party is in the childs home it is not possible to stay with her and then give her the choice as to whether or not to accept the invite.

Ultimately, you have to remember that my daughter has invited the max possible that I thought I could accomodate. She would have invited more but I had to keep under a certain number. Its hardly fair to cut back on the number of friends in order to accomodate mums is is?

OP posts:
Original poster
brook1 · 09/12/2009 13:29

As I said before, if your 6/7yr old wanted to join brownies they would have to be left alone. You couldnt just tell "brown owl" that you prefered to stay because she doesnt like being left. Its just tough. A child of this age is old enough to understand that they have a choice - go alone or not at all.

Its also up to the mum to encourage the child as much as they can to go alone rather than pandering and just assuming. Some of these mums hit me with it before they had even told their child they were invited. They had just assumed their child would not be left. Its no wonder.

OP posts: