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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

211 replies

brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:01

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

OP posts:

muggglewump · 08/12/2009 18:08

And this is where I'm thinking your party is a cheap day out!

Oooh, Tarky has been invited to a party, how about we all go along and that can be something to do?

It saves on the price of a Farm Park right?

Tell them no.

Mincepiedermama · 08/12/2009 18:16

You could ever so kindly show your concern for this woman's child by suggesting a book called Alfie Gives a Hand which is all about a boy who's initially scared to be left at his friend's 5th birthday party but overcomes his fears and has a great time.

oldraver · 08/12/2009 18:23

If the parent comes to the door and is still pushy, telling you she will stay (bloomin' cheeky in my book) can you use Purples, "its just like being left for school" line ? Have a sheet of paper with all party attendee's on and invite the mother to leave her number and of course at any sign on being unsettled you will phone straightaway

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 18:26

Gosh I think YABU and a bit mean. If you didn't want parents or siblings you should really have stated that on the invite and if you have invited too many children that is really your look out. I think it is rather inconsiderate to say to people it is OK when they call and ask and then moan about it on MN. I totally agree with Greensleeves, it is rude and unwelcoming.

loobylu3 · 08/12/2009 18:29

Fab- perhaps your situation is unusual. My DD is 7 also and most of the girls in her class have been to my house on previous occasions and she to theirs (although it is a smaller than average class). I could understand if the children were in yr R but by yr2 most are v confident and prefer to be with their friends in my experience!

piprabbit · 08/12/2009 18:30

Curiosity - when I send out my 40th birthday invites, I will not be putting a line in telling people not to bring their parents.
At what age do you stop having to specifically tell parents that they cannot stay? I had assumed 5 or 6 (the age they start school and spend all day without parents) but if 7 is still too young, I'm not sure when the cut-off should be.

2Shoots · 08/12/2009 18:35

I also think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't trust some parents with my dd so would always stay at the party. I also take my younger dd with me but I keep her with me and take food along for her if around food time. I stay at all parties- my dd will be 6 next.

As for the school analagy that someone mentioned- slight difference between school and party- controlled environment where staff are trained and CRB checked and also proper ratios are adhered to.

TBH I'd decline the invite if I wasn't welcome but tbh there are a few of us who do stay at my dd's school and we always help out rather than just sit and chat allowing the mother to do the party games and be with her birthday child. At the last party we set the food up and cleared it out afterwards. party before I did the setting up on my own and we all mucked in with clearing

HohohoBumperlicious · 08/12/2009 18:35

Wow I'm impressed piprabbit! Solo with 3 year olds!

Brook if you really can't say no make sure you get them doing something as punishment for pressuring you, being a donkey for pin the tail on the donkey or something

Do you get the feeling that some of these children would be more inclined to be left if they didn't have parent who made it seem like such a big deal to be left?

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 18:36

piprabbit - when the children get themselves to and from the party!!!!

Merle · 08/12/2009 18:38

Maybe all these children are nervous about being left at your house because they sense that you are uptight and unwelcoming! That's why they want their parents to stay with them.

Would never occur to me to refuse/debate a parent who asked to stay. I'd welcome the company and see it as a chance to get to know them better.

IdrisTheDragon · 08/12/2009 18:40

Yanbu - it would surprise me if any parents wanted to stay at 7th birthday parties here. DS is 6 and at his party no parents stayed. DD is 4 and a couple of mums stayed; although I was anticipating more would (had got some adult food as well ).

I agree there could well be reasons why this is happening, but I would not like having other parents and siblings there - it would put me on edge and feel that I needed to put on more of a show IYKWIM.

piprabbit · 08/12/2009 18:41

Curiosity - but that could be 10, 11, 12 or even older depending on the venue. If I arranged a cinema party for some 12yo girls and asked their parents to drop and pick up, should I expect the parents to buy their own cinema tickets - or should I offer to pay? I had assumed they might like to go and shop/have coffee/catch up on chores etc. instead of coming to my childs party...

jellybeans · 08/12/2009 18:45

YABU I left my girls at that age (felt they were ready) but stay with my boys at nearly all parties and will do until they are OK to be left. Kids are all different. There have been too many accidents etc (son was knocked unconscious at one friends playing on stairs) and at too many parties no-one watches them properly or boys are running riot hence I have been forced to stay when I had intended to leave. On occasion I have had to take my baby and older kids as had no-one to watch the others. I am OK with some mums who I know will keep them busy and entertained and safe. Sorry it may seem overprotective but after loosing 2 DDs at birth and almost loosing my son several times i won't take any risks.

I feel it is abit rude to insist parents do not stay. I have my kids parties in play centres and don't mind if parents stay, prefer it in some ways as have had kids say they have forgotton inhalers and havee asthma etc etc and their parents are not contactable. I wouldn't really want them (a load of parents) in my house and wouldn't tell them they HAD to leave their kid either so that's why I have it where there is room for parents to make their OWN choice about whether to leave their kids or not.

fernie3 · 08/12/2009 18:47

I would allow a seven year old to stay it would be different if they were 4 and in reception but at seven they are a bit more independant and should be able to be stay at someones house.

ThumbleBells · 08/12/2009 18:50

I think YANBU - and you have actually said all you need to until the day. When the child gets to the party and you still say "I'm sorry, I can't let you stay" - is the mother really going to take her daughter away again? Obviously if the child goes into hysterical meltdown that might be a good thing - but she might also realise that she could miss out, and decide that Mummy can just go off and do her own thing with the other 2.

It is not unwelcoming to not want uninvited guests at a party, btw. It is more rude to turn up as/with uninvited guests and EXPECT them to be accommodated (desperate circs are different).

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 18:51

Jeez, What is it about parents these days? If your child is too frightened/nervous to stay at a party at seven years old then you really have done a very poor job as a parent.

I would say to Mrs/Mr Overly anxious, that a few parents have asked if they can stay but there really is no room for all so you have to say no to everyone. Likewise with siblings, just say you can't have everyone and so you can't have anyone.

When I was little, and had the whole class to my party, apart from Kevin because he kicked my Dad one year!, no parents ever stayed from five years onward....

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 18:52

pip - Yes, 10,11 or 12... Maybe 17 if the kid is my brother! If you have parties at your house and parents are dropping off and picking up then you could expect some to stay.

unfitmother · 08/12/2009 18:52

2shoots if brook1 had a CRB certificate would you leave your dd then?

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 18:54

TBH I would send a reminder of when and where to everyone with an added...

Sorry but we cannot accommodate parents and siblings but we promise we will look after your child!!

loobylu3 · 08/12/2009 18:55

If you don't know the parent at all or don't trust/ like them then you should just decline the invite. I think it is a bit cheeky to invite yourself along (possibly with other sibs too) when the child is 7 and the party is at someone's house (rather than public venue).

piprabbit · 08/12/2009 18:55

Solo with 3 year olds was easy, and lots of fun. We invited 5 friends, all girls and all of whom knew me and had been to the house before. Party only lasted 1.5 hours.

Colouring and sticking sitting at the table to start with. Then musical statues and musical bumps and some dancing. Then tea, sitting at the table. Then Pass the Parcel, and musical flowers (made big paper flowers to go on the floor instead of using chairs - so nothing to fall off or crash into). Finally party bags and goodbyes. No one was allowed upstairs or in the kitchen and I did have DH and grandparents on hand to help as well.

The children behaved impeccably and were an absolute joy to entertain. There were no tears. The trick seems to be not to give them time to think of what mischief they can get up to. I've since done 5th and 6th birthday parties for small groups at home (without parents) and all have been great fun.

zanz1bar · 08/12/2009 18:57

YABU and weird, standoffish and rude.

At my DD 6th, I was so grateful that some parents did stay and help. The idea of 5-7 six year olds for 2 hours on my own filled me with dread.

And what on earth is your daughter going to think of you sending away her friends at the door!
Anti social, cut your nose of to make a point.

Greensleeves · 08/12/2009 19:00

"If your child is too frightened/nervous to stay at a party at seven years old then you really have done a very poor job as a parent."

That's an ignorant and unpleasant remark.

Children differ - just as adults do. Some are shy. Some are insecure about being left. Some are going through personal difficulties and need a bit 'extra' from their parents sometimes. Some are incredibly outgoing and independent and could happily be left at 4.

You have no idea what is going on in the lives of other families, why their children are more or less needy at particular ages and stages. To suggest that anyone who has a child with difficulties of this kind is astoundingly arrogant, and hurtful to any poster who may have a child with confidence or separation issues.

Greensleeves · 08/12/2009 19:01

gah, to suggest that anyone who has a child with these difficulties is a bad parent is astoundingly arrogant

sarah293 · 08/12/2009 19:02

This reply has been deleted

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