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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

211 replies

brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:01

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 08/12/2009 22:22

Haven't read the whole thread
I can totally see my dd1 not being happy to stay on her own at 7. Although I hope she will be more confident by then.

I would never dream of bringing along dd2, but if she wants me to stay, I will ask [politely] if that is ok. If it isn't, then I guess dd will have to choose what she wants more

OP - I'd worry about the fall out if one of the guests gets an injury or screams and has to be taken home. Might be a bit uncomfortable for you?

Perhaps the 'she doesn't like to be left' are actually saying 'I don't trust you or anybody with my dd, she is never out of my sight except for school' Right or wrong it is a feature of todays parenting.

dmmum · 08/12/2009 22:23

Hi why don't you say to this mum then. Well if your child really needs you to stay, that would be fine if you could be on drinks/clearing up duty so it looks to the other children as though only reason your there is to help to avoid embarrassment.

If siblings need to come say up front, could you explain that there will only be enough food/bags etc so if they would love to bring a contribution that would be great!

Try to embarrass them out of staying!

I really wanted to say this but ended up just letting them all stay. It was madness and luckily the next birthday no one stayed!

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:23

At age 7 your child can go to brownies. If they didnt want to be left then sadly, they wont be able to go. Simple as. At some point, these children either need to miss out, or be dropped off. They cant have their mum with them all the time and I dont think it is necessarily a good thing to pander to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:28

My last post sounded a bit harsh, sorry. But what I meant to say was that there will be lots of activities and parties coming up whereby at this age, they will be invited to and stand to miss out on.

OP posts:
Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:32

Treedelivery - I think your response is fair. You would ask, and then if the reply was no, you would leave it up to your daughter. You've then given your child the choice of going or not. That is exactly what I would do and I would not think badly or expect the other mum to invite me into her home.

OP posts:
curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:36

brook - I think mean to state from the outset that you won't have parents of a child that needs to be supervised, yes, because not all parents will think it is OK to leave the child to be supervised by someone else. I think you could expect some parents to want to stay quite reasonably. I am not one of those parents. I never mind if whole families come to parties though and expect that some will ask. I only want people to RSVP with numbers so I say that on the invite.

grenadine · 08/12/2009 22:38

YANBU - I would feel the same as OP!

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:38

Tis just what I think though and you did post in AIBU.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:41

brook - I would not expect to come if I asked and was told no or if it had been explained on the invite. I would not tell you I thought it was mean and rude either because you are entitled to your choice... I would also bring the DC to the party anyway unless they didn't want to go without me for a genuine reason, not just clinginess.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:44

Curiosity, I dont think we'll agree on this one lol. I honestly dont have a problem with mums wanting to stay with their dc at parties but I just think that when its a house party, if their child isnt willing to stay alone then it should be a case of they miss it.

I really do understand that some children dont want to be left and some mums dont like leaving them. If this was me then I would decline the invite on the basis that it wasnt suitable for my child.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 08/12/2009 22:45

I have no problems with leaving mine where it feels safe, school trips and brownies are fine as i know they will be supervised. At a friends party recently it was not so I stayed, there was just too much unsupervised play. The friends mum is usually really good at watching them (they have been for tea on their own) but this time was busy with food etc and not really organising anything, that seems to be when accidents happen.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:50

brook - yes, tis true we won't. Some people will think like me, some like you, some completely differently Parties are stressful, aren't they? I'm sure yours will be fine just cross the parents bridge when you come to it. I think you've already had some ideas on how to deal with it.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/12/2009 22:52

"too much unsupervised play" Bloody hell. Are we talking children?

Quite a few of you are totally barmy and paranoid.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:52

Jellybeans, yes accidents do happen, but they happen all the time at school. You only find out about some of them. You cant wrap your children in cotton wool. I have 3 DC and consider my home safe. However, with 15 over-excited children at a party, the likelyhood of a small accident is high.

My daughter was at a party last week and ended up with a thick lip. Its just an accident and can just as easily happen in the garden/on the trampoline/riding a bike. I didnt think any less of the mum who hosted the party, I just accept that with that amount of children accidents will happen. Its nothing serious, no harm done.

OP posts:
mumof2222222222222222boys · 08/12/2009 22:52

This has been an interesting read. DS1 is 5 and has just been invited to a 5th party at McDonalds. I don't know the parents or the birthday girl, but I don't have any problem with leaving him.

But I know that he wants me to stay...bit of a dilemma as I will have DS2 with me, and clearly it would be inappropriate of us to gatecrash.

I am going to try and leave him...and hide round the corner to see how it goes.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:57

Curiosity, yes parties turn out to be stressfull dont they. I will probably be hitting the vino once the last one has left.

Perfect excuse for vegging infront of the tv whilst dh on his xmas doo. I'll chill out and watch x-factor final with the dc.

OP posts:
cory · 08/12/2009 22:57

jellybean I too have seen my dd unconscious in resus- and the consultant shaking his head over her and muttering 'I don't like it when they do this' about the way her mouth was working. But the accident happened right in front of my eyes, at a party where I had stayed (having been invited to do so). You cannot rule out accidents just because you are present, unless you intend to sit there holding them on your lap the whole time.

Both dcs have a condition which means they are at greater risk of falls than other children. I have taken this as a reason not to protect them more, but to encourage them to become more independent- because they have to learn to live with their condition and will need to develop more independence and more common sense than most people if they are to stand a chance. I wouldn't have been doing them any favours if I had stood in their way because of my feelings.

And imho any 7yo who jumps off a concrete roof only has himself to blame.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/12/2009 23:00

Mumof22222222 - I've done that before in the past, stayed alongside DS in Burger King, with my DD, a few tables away. It still felt a bit like gatecrashing but you don't expect to be looked after, fed etc. Ds had no problems being left alone but it was too out of the way for me to do anything meanwhile (wasn't driving).

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 23:00

brook - Just as long as you don't do it while the kids are there or I'll have to come over all mr judgey pants again! ROFL

Yes, whatever way you do it a party is stressful. I reckon it should be on the list of most stressful events.

The party bags always unstick me, picking appropriate things for them, knowing how many to do and worrying about being judged by the standard of them.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 23:02

LOL jellybean - I too have a DC with a serious condition, requiring a transplant in the future some time.

My attitude is that if you wrap them up too much in cotton wool then you are restricting them soooo much in what they could be doing. Yes, you need to protect them, but its a fine line between protecting them and restricting them.

OP posts:
reservejudgement · 08/12/2009 23:03

Ds3 just had his 5th birthday party and the only Mum there was SIL who had to drive miles to see us. All the other parents ran for the hills Which is as it should be IMO. People differ about siblings though.

Dh got very confused when ds1 and ds2 were little. He brought ds2 to a party and the Mum was surprised and a little upset that he hadn't brought ds1 too even though his name wasn't on the invite. So the next party he dropped them to, he left both ds1 and ds2 there. To hear on his return, the Mum bitching to her friend "And he had the cheek to dump the other kid on me!" You can't win!

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 23:07

Curiosity - I'm not doing party bags. Ive bought some little childrens notepads & fancy pens and I'm giving each child one of those & a piece of cake.

I absolutely hate the tat that goes into party bags & gets thrown away. My DC love doodling (so obviously everyone elses dc must be the same

OP posts:
jellybeans · 08/12/2009 23:10

I do let them stay where I feel safe. Small accidents yes they happen all the time. My DS has visual impairment so is more clumsy anyway so i am used to A&E trips. When I say unsupervised play I don't mean playing in bedrooms etc I mean such as large groups jumping down concrete steps and playing in places with balconies, thats why I felt nervous. I am fine with my DDs though and was at the DSs age but have since lost 2 DDs at birth so maybe that has an impact. I know what you mean about wrapping in cotton wool and there are mums alot more overprotective than me in DSs class. Like I said i do leave them sometimes!!

MollieO · 08/12/2009 23:15

To OP - Unless all the children you are inviting are 7 I think YABU. What about those who only turned 6 in August? Do you expect them to be left unattended with someone they don't know (you say you don't really know the parents of the children you've invited).

I assume ds would be happy to be left at a party when he is 6 (one of the youngest in his year) but if he wasn't then I would stay. If you made it clear that that wasn't an option then your dd's is a party my ds would miss.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 23:15

mum of 222222boys - If the party was in a public place then personally I always stay. But, my dc are getting older now so the time will come when I cant. The reason being, the toilet situation always bothers me in public places, I would never let my DC go to a public toilet alone. Such as pizza place, cinema etc. And I have to be confident that an adult would accompany them.

Its always a bit awkward asking, because most parents would never let a child go to a public toilet alone, but you never know. And I would never be annoyed at someone checking with me.

Also, the only time I have left my DC at a party in a public place has been with someone I know well.

OP posts:
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