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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

211 replies

brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:01

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

OP posts:
devotion · 08/12/2009 21:50

cornishgal - i totally understand you wanting to stay. i think i would want to too.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2009 21:51

loobylu3 It seems to me that at my kids schools the working mothers are often the ones who make most efforts to turn up to events to ensure they meet other parents. My very first ever coffee morning with ds1, in a class of 17 kids, 12 mothers turned up - almost all of them working. The non-working mothers were almost all no shows. And it is often that way.

I was running a Christmas party for dd class this week in school and the 4 mothers running it were all working mothers. We'd taken an afternoon off to do it. Oh and a (working) dad dropped in to help too.

So please don't cast those generic aspersions....

wizbitwaffle · 08/12/2009 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2Shoots · 08/12/2009 21:53

'I am the OP, and honestly, I am a little shocked at how nasty some of the replies are. Especially the one which indicates that the problem could be that the parents dont actually feel comfortable leaving their child with me personally.'

I was not being nasty- merely expressing my own personal opinion.

You asked an AIBU- I think you are- you think I am- doesn't matter but I am not being nasty- merely stating my opinion. At my dd's small village school there are parents who I wouldn't trust with next doors dog and tbh- knowing where they live wouldn't make me leave my dd with them.

that is my personal choice. If a parent said I couldn't go then I wouldn't take my dd- that is my personal decision as a parent and also my right as a parent to make decisions on behalf of my child

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 21:53

brook1 - You haven't told them it is not OK though. Someone has asked and you said bring her and see - when they come are you going to send them away? That'd be much worse than just saying 'I'd rather you didn't if you don't mind? I haven't got much room at home and there are 15 children coming.'

If it is one parent then you could just let her come, surely you have got room for one mum? I'm not sure what the problem is. You haven't had the party yet and only one parent has asked to come - where do you get the idea that lots of parents and siblings are going to just turn up? If it is based on past experience why didn't you put on the invites that you only wanted the children. You can't expect people to know what you are thinking.

It is your party, you need to organise it.

Curiousmama · 08/12/2009 21:54

I got a bit confused there with curiousity

Think it's really not on for the mother and siblings to stay. In fact there'd have to be a very good reason for a parent to stay in my book.

Hope you get it sorted asap.

2Shoots · 08/12/2009 21:55

In my village it is sort of semi expected for a core of mothers to stay at parties to help out anyway so it has never occurred to me not to stay

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 21:56

Working, in my opinion, you are right, but i think alot of is down to the fact that working mums feel some guilt about not always being able to drop off/pick up and try to compensate by doing other things such as that.

Just because SAHMs dont always go to these things doesnt mean they arent bothered, they probably see the school/meet other parents a hell of a lot more because they are there every day.

It depends on what your reasons are really for doing it. If I was working then I would much rather take my precious half day holiday with my child privately rather than running a christmas party for the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:00

Curiosity - my original post does actually say it was about 6 parents that suggested staying. 1 suggested bringing siblings. If I agree for 1 then I think it makes it easy for the others to just take off their coats and sit down for a cuppa & a chat.

OP posts:
blackmonday · 08/12/2009 22:00

i'd happily leave my dd1 (6) at a house party but def not a playcentre one. I always stay at those. The party host can't possibly watch all the kids when they mingle with the public ones.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:01

what did you say to those six when they asked/suggested then?

wannaBe · 08/12/2009 22:02

so those of you who would never let your precious darlings out of your sight, how do you explain it to them? "mummy doesn't want you to go to x's house because their parents are strangers and well you just never know."?

Also, how are you going to cope when they are nine, ten, eleven and start going to the houses of people you don't know, on their own?

SE13Mummy · 08/12/2009 22:02

Brook1 - before my DD's 5th party I wrote a note to the couple of Mums who I'd not seen to speak to so they were clear that I expected their children to be dropped off. Perhaps you could do this with the mother who you fear will turn up with uninvited siblings? It need only say, "X is really looking forward to Y being at her birthday party on wheneverday, I've realised I forgot to include on the invitation that the invite is only for Y; I don't have room for parents and siblings to come along too. Sorry for any inconvenience, I hope Y will still be able to come". X' Mum tel: 07123 456 789

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2009 22:03

Brook - yes totally - I can't be there every day so I absolutely make sure I do whatever I can, to ensure I know the parents of my dcs friends and understand what their school lives are about and who their friends are. Which is why, as said earlier, I welcome parents - and extra sibs within reason - to my dcs parties but totally support you in your 'this is a drop-off party' stance.

wannaBe · 08/12/2009 22:04

public places are different, and besides given that they are public you can't specify whether parents can stay or not. You still shouldn't feel obliged to accommodate siblings though.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:05

I just asked if they thought their child would be ok being left because if I said yes to 1 parent then I would have to say yes to the others and I dont really have the room for everyone. 4 of them said they thought so but wasnt really certain until they tried. But 2 said its unlikely they would wanna stay without them.

Personally, I dont think its a case of the child not wanting to be left, I think its more a case of the mum not wanting to leave them. And I pretty certain they trust me, its just a case of them not wanting to leave their "babies".

OP posts:
RainRainGoAway · 08/12/2009 22:05

Brook1 - YANBU.

The other thing is, when the poor little nervous folk are separated from their parents, they often have a much better time joining in than if they are clinging on to the parent. I've seen that ALOT!

Having another 6+ people hanging around a party is ridiculous. One or two helpers fine. Tell the others you will try and invite them next year when they feel ready to attend and not as nervous. Or invite them around to tea separately.

I was incredibly shy and nervous as a child and didn't initially adore going to parties so I do sympthise. But once the cake and squash was flowing it all got better!

abra1d · 08/12/2009 22:07

Ask them if they've been CRB checked because you can't have 'strangers' in the house otherwise; too risky, innit?

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:09

LOL abra1d

OP posts:
loobylu3 · 08/12/2009 22:09

working- no one is casting generic aspersions. You are reading something into my post that isn't there.

I meant that I thought it was difficult not to meet other mums and their children if you had the opportunity to do the school run regularly. This was as a response to someone referring to other mums at the school as 'strangers'.
The main reason why parents wouldn't do the school run at all is because they were at work full time.
This has nothing to do with working mums or SAHMs.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:12

Rain, I know my Dc are much better when I am not there - they get involved and take part much more. If I am there they are constantly coming to me and sitting on my knee etc.

At first, my DC were not happy being left at parties. If it was in a public place I would stay, but if it was in a house then I just told them that sadly they couldnt go unless they would be happy being dropped off. They only ever missed 1 party, and they happily go skipping in now to every party.

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2009 22:14

Though actually Brook - I do have a very funny story about a mother who said her ds was too worried to come without her to a theme park to celebrate my ds birthday although the boys have been friends for years...in the end the whole family came. I think that tops your challenge. Wish I'd known about MN AIBU then....

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:15

You have told them in a nice way that you are expecting them to go. Just wait till the party and expect them to leave. The idea about waiting in the car in case they are upset is a good one. If the parents come they will know you expect them to leave. You are panicking unnecessarily.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 22:18

I still think it is rather mean and rude but you haven't done anything wrong and neither have any of the parents.

Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 22:22

Curiosity, I cant beleive that you think that I am mean & rude. Its my house, and my daughters party, and ultimately, if its not somewhere they want their child to be left then fine, dont leave them. But to expect to tag along in someone elses house, I find rather cheeky.

OP posts:
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