To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

[brook1]

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

If a 7yo genuinely has a problem being left, then fair enough for the mum to stay - on the strict understanding that she is to either help with the party or stay well out of the way. Not to be holding her dc's hand all the time.

But this sounds more like the mum using parties as playcentres. Siblings jealous that sister is going to a party, so mum engineers things so that they can come, too. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she brings her other two dc to the parties but doesn't bring two more presents.

YANBU. You set the conditions for your party. If the invitees don't like it then they don't need to come. It is a perfectly reasonable condition to set.

MsDoctor - what an unpleasant comment.

As long as they don't bring a Super Soaker it would probably be ok.

Is it only the one child? I think that if the mother really doesn't want to leave the child and it is only one mum who wants to stay then let her.

Some children do still feel nervous around 'strangers' at 7. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

The other mothers will probably understand and if this little girl has been invited to other parties she has probably said the same thing to other parents.

I really appreciate when other parents are frank (and kind). Maybe you could tell her that as its a number issue you will let her know nearer the time if the numbers work.

I think some of you are mentioning children with unusual circumstances eg SN or recent bereavements. These situations are different and not really relevant to the OP. Most 7 year olds would be perfectly happy to leave their parents for a couple of hours.
I would also disagree that at age 7 most parents don't know their children's friends (and their parents). This might be true when they are teenagers but not at primary school.

I don't know any parents at school and mine are at primary school.

unfitmother 2shoots if brook1 had a CRB certificate would you leave your dd then?

NOPE, not unless I was happy to.

By cory Tue 08-Dec-09 19:09:44
2Shoots Tue 08-Dec-09 18:35:14

"As for the school analagy that someone mentioned- slight difference between school and party- controlled environment where staff are trained and CRB checked and also proper ratios are adhered to."

Proper ratios for 7yos? In school that would be 1-2 adults for a group of 30 children: surely most hostesses could manage that?

I was just answering the school analoagy and saying that there is a difference between a party and school.

Anyway, you asked if you were being unreasonable and I thought you were. Whatever anyone else does, I don't leave my dd unless it's at a trusted friend's house, you really don't know who anyone is these days and it's up to the parents whether they trust other people to look after their kids or not- in the same way that it's up to you to tell them they can't stay and not to bring siblings

YANBU

Pah! At 7 my daughter gets thrown in the general direction of the party as I'm running in the other direction

So often, though, alot of parties at houses/gardens involve kids running round unattended. At a recent party I was about to leave my boys at, I noticed the mum and dad were busy doing food etc and some kids were in the house, some in garden unwatched, boys were just running about with sticks poking each other and jumping off high concrete steps and a shed roof. There was a gate leading to the main road which also was not being watched and was open. I felt I had to stay.

I felt fine to leave them at a 'pizza' party, though, where the mum was entertaining them and seemed to be more in control and not afraid to ensure they were behaving. Like I said earlier, my son was lucky to not have permanent damage after a head injury playing on stairs at a friends. Seeing him in resuss will never leave me. I can't risk that happening again. if I don't feel 100% I will stay with them even if others don't understand, they may be the same if they went through the same thing.

So the CRB check comment was totally spurious?

""As for the school analagy that someone mentioned- slight difference between school and party- controlled environment where staff are trained and CRB checked
and also proper ratios are adhered to." wtf? we're talking about a birthday party in someone's home.

And I don't get this obsession with strangers. These are the parents of your childrens' friends fgs not the local paedos off the street. I think it's actually bloody insulting to suggest that you can't leave a child with a friend because their parents are "strangers". As a society we really need to get past this notion that strangers somehow represent potential danger to our precious offspring and trust that people are who they say they are, because generally that's exactly the case.

When I was a child I was at boarding school, and I regularly went to friends' houses for the weekend, and my friends came to stay with me. We all lived far apart, and my parents didn't know any of the parents - well they may have seen some of them in passing at school functions but that was it.). But they would never have drempt of saying I couldn't go because the parents were strangers (and actually, until i went for the weekend I didn't know the parents either.

As for bringing along siblings that is just bloody rude. Imagine if you invite ten kids and they all have a sibling, or two, that's potentially another twenty uninvited children who, let's be honest, often are too young to grasp that they can't join in the games/have some of the food/get a party bag.

WannaBe - I think it's pretty much a given that if you are at boarding school your parents don't mind you being with strangers! Were you at a boarding primary?

I don't think every stranger is a paedo but I don't expect them to be trustworthy or to bring their children up the way I do either. I wouldn't want my children to be around people drinking alcohol or smoking weed for example. If you have never met someone you can't guarantee that they aren't going to let these things go on at a children's party.

Strangers don't represent danger but it is very irreponsible to leave your primary school age child alone at a party in the care of someone you have never met. I think anyway. You don't know them or whether they are responsible. It is like randomly pulling someone off the street - 9/10 times it'd be fine but you don't know.

I am the OP, and honestly, I am a little shocked at how nasty some of the replies are. Especially the one which indicates that the problem could be that the parents dont actually feel comfortable leaving their child with me personally.

FWIW, one of the little girls who is coming, her mum is a teacher at the school and she has no problem dropping her off & collecting her later.

And the fact that someone has or hasnt had a CRB check wouldnt influence me in any way at all. It counts for nothing, it just means they havent been caught doing anything wrong, not that they havent done anything wrong.

My home is safe, and my sister and mum are both coming to help out at the party so there will be sufficient help without other mums.

If the party was at a play centre or something then I think it is up to the mums whether or not they stay and it makes no odds really, but in your own home, surely its different. And if you know your child wont stay without you then personally, I think you should decline the invitation. What is wrong with politely explaining to your child that they have a party invitation which they can go to but as it is in a home they will have to be dropped off, and if they are not happy with that then that is fine but unfortunately, they cant go. Hey ho.

Some of these children are going to brownies, swimming lessons, dance lessons and are confident to go off on their own there.

Oh and to the poster that said that it was my fault for inviting too many children to the party. I havent invited too many children, I have invited the children my daugher wanted and I can accomodate them.

What I cant accomodate is the parents. Why should I tell my daughter x,y,z cant come because a,b,c's parents are coming instead. Am sure she would appreciate that!

My DS is 6 and I wouldn't let him go a house party alone if I did not know the parent and had been there before. I dont know the majority of other parents at the school so I'd ask if it was ok if I stayed.

Luckily, they have all been at soft play and the bulk of mums stay as its not worth the drive home and there is coffee and cake

Fab, I take my children to school & pick them up everyday, as do the parents of the children I have invited. Although I am not closed friends with them I know all their names and where they live. As they do with me.

brook1 - what is wrong with asking if it is OK to stay before you explain that to your child? It is not rude to ask. If you can't say no to the parents then you can't complain as you've told these parents it is OK to do it.

You don't have to have parents and siblings in your house but you do have to take responsibility for making the situation clear to them. If a child is young enough to need supervision you can expect that some parents, being control freaks, will want to personally supervise.

I doubt it is a judgement on you or your suitability as a parent. If some parents have never met you they may just want to satisfy themselves that you are trustworthy not that they have decided you aren't.

I think most people wouldn't want their children around people smoking weed but this is a children's party! I wouldn't leave my children with a 'stranger' either.
I am really surprised that some of you don't know your children's friends and their parents at all. I assume that you all work full time and don't get a chance to do school runs ever. Otherwise, I don't see how you can avoid meeting the children and their parents. Personally, I am v keen to know who the children are that my children are mixing with on a daily basis!

So what have you decided then brook1? Are you going to stand firm?

Curiosity, where did I say it was ok to stay? I dont recall saying this. I felt uncomfortable with one of the mums and just said to bring her and we will see what happens.

And I am hoping to sort it out by tomorrow to clarify this with everyone. All the parents have met me & I know them all by name and where they live.

I realise that not everyone is comfortable leaving their child at a party and have no problem with that. But, if it were me then I would decline the invite, not impose my self in someones house.

I don't work but other parents do and I know the grandparents/nanny/aunt e.t.c from the playground. I like to meet DS's friends too but it's not always possible not all of them want to talk to me.

Curious, I am going to do my best to convince the mums (without being pushy) that their children will be fine & I will take mobile numbers in case.

If any children are so upset that they wont let their mum leave then I would not make them go, but, I might suggest that they consider leaving (or sit in the car outside)for a couple of minutes and if their child still isnt ok then I will get them. Because I am convinced that they will all be ok after 5 minutes and will have a great time, I have lots of nice things planned.

Not sure how I'm going to handle the one who will no doubt turn up with the other children, I think its going to be rather difficult.

YANBU - Tell them that if they wont be left they will have to miss out - you can't accommodate everyone and it is up to them. Also no siblings - not fair on the party girl or the siblings of differing age.

7th birthday? i can understand finding it hard to settle a 3 or 4 year old - but 7 years olds is ridiculous. We always have parties at home and from the age of three i ask parents to just drop off because of space and I always have a couple of mums to stay to help and thats it. i've never had any mums ask to stay. a couple have stayed for five minutes or so but when they were older the kids just ran in at the front door.

your house - your rules!

mums with siblings who try to squeeze their other kids in are being selfish, every mum knows how hard it is organising a party and different aged kids can make it harder. plus you have all the correct amount of parties bags already done etc.