Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

211 replies

brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:01

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

OP posts:

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 19:02

I don't think people always want to stay because they are nervous about their PFBs being terribly upset to be deserted either. Some people just like being with their children or feel their child needs to be surpervised so they are not naughty/don't get hurt or because they have never met the parent holding the party.

Some just want to stay because it is a hassle going home in between, especially if they don't drive. I think until a child is old enough to take care of themselves and get themselves to and from the party, which is different for each child but generally around 10, 11 or 12 then a parent and/or siblings depending on circumstances are not 'uninvited guests'.

If a child came unsupervised by a parent and destroyed your house or hurt your children or someone else's child that you were in charge of then it'd be your problem as you would be the supervising adult. I'm not sure I'd trust someone I didn't know really well to be able to manage 15-30 excited children at a party well enough on their own.

I would also worry about supervising other people's children on my own if I didn't know them really well and know that I could manage/control them.

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 19:06

Confidence and separation issues, at seven? It's just plain anti social and parent pandering, these children go to school don't they?

SN aside.

wearthefoxhat · 08/12/2009 19:08

Jeez, What is it about parents these days? If your child is too frightened/nervous to stay at a party at seven years old then you really have done a very poor job as a parent.

Um, thanks a lot!
My dd aged 7 is going through a phase since her Nana died a few weeks ago - apart from school, she won't go anywhere without me or her father - what crap parents we are, obviously!
In that time, there have been party invites, and the only ones she'll go to are the ones where I can stay with her.

MsDoctor, I have a feeling you'd get on very well with my sister. (and sorry, that's not a compliment )

ThumbleBells · 08/12/2009 19:09

If they're not on the invitation, then they're not invited. That's pretty simple, I would say. Your ASSUMPTION that you can stay because it's easier for you or whatever other reason does not make you an automatic invitee.

cory · 08/12/2009 19:09

2Shoots Tue 08-Dec-09 18:35:14

"As for the school analagy that someone mentioned- slight difference between school and party- controlled environment where staff are trained and CRB checked and also proper ratios are adhered to."

Proper ratios for 7yos? In school that would be 1-2 adults for a group of 30 children: surely most hostesses could manage that?

madamearcati · 08/12/2009 19:10

I think they just want to price upsee your house

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 19:11

msdoctor - school is an environment they are more than comfortable with at 7, they may never have been to the child's house before or met their parents. Normal shyness or unconfidence aside, a child who has just had one parent walk out on them or a grandparent die, for example, may very well worry at being left at a party at 7.

My friend's little boy can't be left at a party without his mum because he is terrified of balloons. People might think this is funny or stupid but it is because he has a heart problem and had open heart surgery and is worried that if a balloon pops it will make him die.

greensleeves is right... again...

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 19:11

wearthefoxhat.... I think there are mitigating circumstances, don't you? But the OP is talking about people who habitually stay with their dcs at parties.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 19:12

sorry wearthefoxhat x post!

Greensleeves · 08/12/2009 19:12

MsDoctor, your posturing is neither big nor clever.

You don't know what goes on in the lives of others. I'm glad I haven't come across any adults in my children's social circles whose attitudes are as self-righteous and unempathic as yours.

Is it really so unbelievable that a 7yo might display needs/behaviours befitting a much younger child, for a whole plethora of reasons? When a child has a need, that need has to be met by the parent, not gaily trampled all over because YOU think it's unnecessary. Bad parenting? It's in the eye of the beholder.

purpleturtle · 08/12/2009 19:13

Wearthefoxhat - no one is saying that you're a bad parent. Those are obviously extenuating circumstances.

However, the OP says about 6 out of 15 have asked to stay, which seems to me a very high level of anxiety - either among the children or the adults.

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 19:14

Honestly ladies, I do think that MNers love to search out individual cases when people are painting with a broad brush. Obviously little Johnny who is allergic to balloons, nuts and soya an have his parent because he could have a reaction and Jo who's Dad has just left etc etc, but in the main children should be able to be left at a party with their friends.

Hulababy · 08/12/2009 19:15

I can assure you I would always have better adult child ratios at DD's parties than at school. In most classes it is at best 2 adults to 30 children. I have plenty more at DD's parties - family and friends wh are there to help out.

Also I am CRB checked - infact I have 3 different ones currently "in date", two of which are for working wih children. Several of my friends also have current CRBs in place.

TBH this is one of the reasons I wouldn't have a party at home. Too many people if parents stayed. And sorry - I can't accomodate siblings generally. Please don't just show up with them, at least ask first. It is my DD's party - for her friends, not a party for other children she may not even know.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 19:17

thumblebells - normally people will ask if they can come too when they RSVP. If you can't say no then you can't complain. BTW I don't generally stay with my 4 year old as he is confident but I would if he was not up to going on his own at any age and for any reason. I would likely ask the parent if that was OK first though. This is not really what I mean. If you have a party for children that need supervision you can reasonably expect that some parents will want to stay and therefore need to pre-empt this on the invites if you can't accommodate it.

msdoctor - why should someone have to explain their private life to a stranger for their child to be able to come to a party?

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 19:17

Greensleeves, the ONLY child that couldn't be left was my cousin... she is 35, never had a bf and still lives at home.

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 19:19

A stranger? It's a parent of one of your dc's friends and yes if you want to invite yourself to a child's party then you should explain yourself.

wearthefoxhat · 08/12/2009 19:19

I don't bring up my children in the "I am the parent, therefore you will do as I say" way, much to the disgust of my sister, but I don't see the point in creating a mahoosive problem with my dd so that after it all I can say that she did as she was told.

At my dc's school, there are children with circumstances such as family accidents, being recently adopted, being smacked by another childs mother, which mean that they won't be left. In most of these, the parent wouldn't necessarily want to divulge the reason to another mother that she barely knows.

MsDoctor · 08/12/2009 19:22

'I don't bring up my children in the "I am the parent, therefore you will do as I say" way, much to the disgust of my sister, but I don't see the point in creating a mahoosive problem with my dd so that after it all I can say that she did as she was told.' What are you talking about?

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 19:23

msdoctor - I have not met the parents of all my DS' friends (who is the only one at school). Not all of them pick up or drop off their childran at school because of their working hours. Lots of the parents are strangers yes. It is not normal to know well or even have met all of your children's friends never mind their parents.

nickytwotimes · 08/12/2009 19:25

Yanbu.

Talk about molly-coddled.

deaddei · 08/12/2009 19:25

This is why I would only invite the half a dozen friends my dcs wanted- and I knew their parents. I would hate a house full of women I didn't know while I was doing a party.
Big parties- horrible.
OP is getting so stressed- and it should be fun. You have to tell these mothers and be firm If they don't turn up- no problem.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 19:25

Lets not forget the OP has not had the party yet, the parents have called to RSVP and ask. The OP has presumably said it is fine. I can't see the issue. If she has said it is not fine then they won't come, if she has said it is fine then she has no right to moan about it. It is not at all rude to ask. You can't expect all 7 year olds to be able to come on their own.

wearthefoxhat · 08/12/2009 19:31

Meaning that a lot of parents I know will force their child to do something (including go to a party on their own) despite the child being very unhappy about it, and then acting smug that their child has done as they were told.

Going back to the OP, it wouldn't be unreasonable of you just to say that you don't want parents or siblings at the party - you're hosting it after all.

MmeLindt · 08/12/2009 19:32

I have never had parents stay, and have done parties on my own since the DC were 3yo.

3yo are most often less bother than 6yos, in my experience.

YANBU
parents staying is bad enough but being so rude as to stay with a sibling or two is just rude and inconsiderate.

cornishgal · 08/12/2009 19:32

I try to stay with my son at parties because he has Asperger's syndrome and I can never be entirely sure what he'll do under party conditions (ie hyped up and full of sugar)- he might fight, cry, freak out. It's to protect the party-thrower's house, honestly. I don't like to discuss the real reasons for it, though, because he's quite mildly affected and not all the mums/friends know about his condition. The last party I went to, I noticed it was just me and the dyspraxia kid's dad who stayed. We were very helpful - I even danced the conga with the kids when the DJ forced me to. And helped hand out the hot dogs.
Perhaps you could be a little bit kind to this poor mum who might have all sorts of problems with this child that you don't know about. Seven is still quite little, you know. Imagine the hell the little girl will get at school if she didn't go to the party "because she was too scared". Also my boy hardly ever gets invited to anything because he's a bit different, so it means so much when he does get a chance to go, it's a really big deal for him (and me!)
Say you'll be a bit nicer about it - please! You'll feel so much better if you're generous, flexible and kind, I promise you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread