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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any parents staying with their children at my daughters party in my house

211 replies

brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:01

My daughter is having her 7th birthday party this weekend and all together I will have around 15 children in the house.

So far, about 6 of the mums from school have asked me if they will be able to stay with their daughter because she doesnt really like being left anywhere. I have politely said that its a bit difficult really because my home is not particularly large and if I say yes to one of the mums then I would have to say yes to all of them. Her reply was that she will try to leave her but if she gets upset then she will have to stay with her.

Also, one of the mums is notorious for bringing her 2 year old and elder child along to all parties. She has asked if she can bring them because her DH is working. I just think its really cheeky. The thing is, many of the mums have other children and I appreciate that they cannot all get someone to look after the other children. However, this is my home, not a play centre.

AIBU to think that if their child is not willing to be left then sadly they dont go to the party. FWIW, I speak to these mums in the playground but am not particularly close friends with them. And I dont really fancy them all sitting around watching me do party games and things with the children in my home.

In the past I have hired a hall or something but, this was just meant to be a small tea-party for around 5-7 that has escalated so now I'm making it into a disco. And I am unable to hire anywhere now at such short notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
brook1 · 08/12/2009 17:23

lol getorfmoiland - that will be me, I just know it.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 08/12/2009 17:25

I think though 7 year olds are very happy at being left usually. You seem to have rawn the short straw and got a load of very precious mummies!

Greensleeves · 08/12/2009 17:25

sorry GetOrf

"how ridiculous is it that her daughter doesnt like being left" - that is just MEAN though! 7 isn't that bloody old. They are still young children, and some will be shy or lack confidence or have been through a bad time - you just don't know. And it's not THAT much of an imposition to have a few spare adults.

OrmIrian · 08/12/2009 17:26

YANBU. At 7!

We also have a family that turn up mob-handed, mum, dad and sister. The 6yr old 'won't be left' apparently, although she always seem happy, so the older sister gets to join in too. Which might be fine if it's a house party or in a hall but not if it's a pay-per-head thing.

brimfull · 08/12/2009 17:26

If a parent wants to stay they must agreee to help out with games , food etc not sit and watch you entertain.
Makes your life easier not harder.

Just say , oh fine as long as you help me entertain then

Tidey · 08/12/2009 17:26

You need to be very polite but very firm. Tell them that this close to Christmas you can't afford to cater for extra siblings and parents, and your house is only big enough to cope with the invited guests. And if that causes any problems then you are very sorry and hope their child will be able to come next time.

purpleturtle · 08/12/2009 17:31

I know for a fact that my dd is clingy and tearful only up to the point that I leave (and she's 8). Then she gets on with it.

And the clingy, tearful bit is rarer now than it was when she was 5 or 6.

Can you offer to ask someone else to give a lift to the child who is particularly likely to turn up with the rest of her family? "To save her mum the trouble of turning out with all of them".

FabIsVeryHappy · 08/12/2009 17:31

Mine are 8, 6 and 4 and the 8 year old stayed alone at a party for the first time this year. His choice. My 6 year old wanted me to stay with her so I did. I will be staying with our 4 year old. I think the mum has enough to do without giving mine 100% attention and tbh I am not good at leaving my kids with strangers.

loobylu3 · 08/12/2009 17:32

YANBU at all! They are talking nonsense or they have v fragile children. All the children I know of this age are absolutely fine leaving their parents.
Presumably, the mums leave them at school for the day rather than staying?!
Why can't the mums with other sibs just drop their 7 year old and go home? I don't think this is difficult at all!
I would be v firm and say no to the mums and siblings. Good luck

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2009 17:35

I actually always welcome other parents but I know what you mean about those siblings who turn up ininvited every year.

But YANBU - at 7 it's totally normal to be told 'this is a drop-off party' and that's it. Just don't open the door wider than will let a child in and say firmly I will see you at X o'clock.

Don't let these rude mothers make you feel defensive or awkward. Just repeat 'it's a drop-off party'. No more explanations required.

Mincepiedermama · 08/12/2009 17:35

YANBU. Stick to your guns. I get irritated with mums hanging around nattering demanding my attention when I am trying to focus on the party.

It's ridiculous if a 7 year old can't be left FGS. A 3 year old maybe but a 7 year old! Definitely not to be indulged.

purpleturtle · 08/12/2009 17:40

Never mind the space/cost issue. Having parents there makes a huge difference to the way children behave, IME.

loobylu3 · 08/12/2009 17:40

Fab- brooke is v unlikely to be a stranger to these children. Most, if not all have attended school together for the past 2 plus years and possibly pre school before that. A mum from the same class is someone they see regularly, not a stranger!

SE13Mummy · 08/12/2009 17:41

I include an 'invited child only please - we do not have room for parents or siblings. Sorry!' clause on the invitations. I've also asked for the contact number of any parents I don't already have 'phone numbers for 'just in case.

So far the children/their parents have been happy with that (which was for 4th & 5th birhday parties). If a parent told me that their child wouldn't cope without parental supervision then I'd offer to have that child (and accompanying parent) round to tea one day after school instead of coming to the party.

We live in a perfectly ordinary-sized flat with only one reception room and a small kitchen at the opposite end of the flat. If parents were going to come too then my DD could only have a couple of her friends as the parents would take up all the space. Were they to bring younger siblings in pushchairs then no-one would be able to get into the flat at all as it is not possible to park more than one pushchair in the communal hallway and open the door!

I hold birthday parties for my child's enjoyment, not as an opportunity for parents to have a chin-wag. Maybe when I have a mansion (or even a bit more space) I'll feel differently.... maybe not.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 08/12/2009 17:41

I don't get this at all. When I was little (about 20 years ago) you were invited to a party. You bought a present and a card. You put your best frock on and you went to that party and your mum said good-bye at the front door.

You were then collected at the appointed time and handed a party-bag with some cheap tat and a piece of cake in it and you said "thank you for having me".

Am I terribly out of date?

wannaBe · 08/12/2009 17:42

tbh I think that at seven some parents just like to believe that their child cannot possibly be left without them, when in actual fact the child will sometimes put on a show for the parent by crying and be totally fine the instant they walk out the door.

I would say "no sorry, I can't accommodate parents and siblings as well as invited guests as there just isn't space. Oh that's a shame if she won't stay without you, well you can always bring her and if she really won't stay then you can take her home." .

purpleturtle · 08/12/2009 17:46

oooo wannabe, that's gooood. "If she won't stay, you can take her home". I like it.

FabIsVeryHappy · 08/12/2009 17:54

Well, in our case all the school mums except one or two are strangers to my children as they don't know them or spend any time with them.

caramelwaffle · 08/12/2009 17:59

You are not being unreasonable, at all!

I am as perplexed as JustAnotherMM.

Hulababy · 08/12/2009 18:02

YANBU. (obv is SN, etc. a bit different)

Next time make it clear on the invite that there will be no room for accompanying adults and siblings.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2009 18:04

DD recently had her 5th birthday party with about 20 children. About 12 parents stayed - but I had planned on that, and allowed for it (even though I had not made it explicit on the invitation).

However, I doubt that many children will have parents around in 2010 for their sixth birthdays.

muggglewump · 08/12/2009 18:05

YANBU.
If a 7yr old doesn't want to be left, then I'd not want to invite them.

DD is 8, but she was happily left at 3, as were her friends.

Why are kids so wussy, or is it just the Mums being over protective and/or using you for something to do?

mistletoekisses · 08/12/2009 18:05

Do what decorhate has said.

At 7, I didnt want my mum around babysitting me!

sarah293 · 08/12/2009 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piprabbit · 08/12/2009 18:07

My DD had a 'proper' tea party for her third birthday party - we put a note on the invites saying that Mums were not expected to stay. We had a nice gentle craft activity (Charlie and Lola colouring and stickers) to settle everyone in and they had a lovely time without Mums.

So - YADNBU.

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